A year on...

This week the theme for the Weekly Adoption Shout Out #WASO is A Year On...so I thought I'd run with that...

A year ago, we were anxiously waiting for paperwork to start adoption number two, (I've checked back). I was busy at work, doing all sorts of things that I always do (I haven't checked, I've assumed). We were a family of 3 doing okay (mostly) with boyo coping with most of what was coming his way. Apparently a year ago, he had a crying fit at school 'because he didn't want the baby to stay'... or in fact he had watched one of his friends get to go home after crying...about his baby brother. I was also celebrating our adoption support networks, filled with amazing friends.

A year ago, I could not have imagined what this year would bring... a new child, an upcoming house move, looking towards a statement for boyo at school, more doctor, post adoption support, new friends,

We have had a good year - with some incredibly difficult patches. Things once more have changed beyond recognition... and we are slowly finding a way to a new normal. Some weeks are good - last week was good, some weeks are more tricky... I find it hard to be calm and sympathetic on 3 hours sleep. We have amazing moments of pure joy... and we have moments that I could sit and cry.

A year ago, I thought my heart and life were full. I had no idea that there was room for more. A year ago I was confident that we were through the worst with boyo and things were getting better... I had no idea of the effect of full time school. A year ago, I was still asking questions of experienced adopters... now I am asked the questions...although I still ask them of others.

Time doesn't stand still, and neither do our lives. A year is a long time, but at the same time, just a blink of an eye.

Well done The Adoption Social - a year ago, you started something... which has grown and grown, along with a community of supportive people. I hope you continue  for many a year to come, as we all walk aside each other, learning from each other and sharing joy and tears.

A calmer time

The end of another week, the passing of another weekend...but this one has been more peaceful than recent ones, not perfect, why would I want that but more peaceful. 

We had a reflective time this past week, lots of night time awake, and chatting. We know what to do, but putting it into practice is hard. Last weekend by Sunday evening, moods were bad, there had been shouting and screaming and kicking...we all did some of one of them. The week started in the same way, except for one difference....

It didn't matter what boyo did, I did not shout at him. I got quiet, I got patient (very patient), I acknowledged his feelings, I did what needed doing without saying 'you can do that if you try'. When he let go of the pushchair, I stopped and waited. When he chewed toys, I removed them and gave him a chew, when he kicked I just cuddled and said 'I'm sorry you feel so cross'. 

And for this week it worked, the week ended calmer, the weekend started calmer. Who cares that we know he can put his shoes on, right at the moment he can't. Who cares if he can put his trousers on if he thinks about it, right now he can't.

Okay, I lie, we weren't perfect and calm at all times. I don't function on 4 hours sleep...this was more because Jelly was ill than anything else. But, and this is important, each day was a fresh start, and I made sure it was.

It resulted in a lovely weekend, with no lingering resentment (apart from about the lack of sleep).

Now just to do it all again! 

5 months...

Poor Jelly doesn't often get a look in on the blog...boyo dominates. I promise it isn't that way in real life! But today 5 months since he moved in is a good time to reflect on the littlest member of our family. 

Back in Aug he was still learning to walk, today he was running around the house chasing boyo, the dog or me. 

In Aug he was relatively quiet...he's been here for 5 months, if I can't hear him, I wonder what h's doing. He has started talking, his first recognisable word was his big brothers name.

5 months ago, we didn't know how two boys who were used to living as single children would cope...ummm, they run circles round us, continuously. Jelly hates taking boyo to school, he loses his playmate/tormentor/victim.

He came to us as a baby, and is now a toddler. He has his likes and dislikes, and is not afraid of letting us know. He knows his mind.

He adores going out for walks and been carried either in the back lack or the sling, but he now wants to walk as well as be carried.

He is a complete monkey, and will wind us all up...he adores buttons, and presses any he can get to...thank goodness my washing machine is behind a closed door! 

We can vaguely remember life before Jelly, mostly that it contained more sleep...but none of us would be without him, apart from the dog...they are not friends!

My boys...

I did start writing a post last weekend for the #WASO theme of the future, however I got so despondent and upset that I gave up writing it. To be fair - it was following the week where I ended up in tears at boy-o's school at an evening event, partly because I as so fed up with his teacher, and partly because he isn't at the same level as his peers. Thankfully the teaching assistant is fantastic, and didn't laugh at me, but instead listened to my concerns.

However, this week feels in some respects better... a week of no school has improved many things...not least boy-o's sleep. We've only had a couple of nights with wake ups - and one of those was because he was struggling with his cold. It's not to say everything has been perfect and I am more than ready for him to go to school tomorrow... but generally a better than expected week.

So 10 and a bit weeks in, how are things with two boys....

Jelly is a delight mostly - we have had a few concerns and a paediatrician appointment, but generally things are going well. He looks to us for comfort.... when I left him at my mum's for an hour, he burst into tears when he realised I was going, and came and gave me a massive cuddle when I arrived back. He crawled into my lap when M's mum said 'no' to him. He is doing well - and as an aside, he adores his big brother - and boy-o will make him giggle by doing the most stupid of things.

Boy-o is also a delight and joy and we adore him. However, he is still really struggling...with his new normal - both full time school (ha) and a new brother.

He is still only doing half time school - and at the moment no-one appears to have a plan to change this (problem number 1). I have asked for a meeting with his teacher in the next couple of weeks to discuss how things are going... and what they are doing to help him. He has an IEP - which we haven't seen and signed. His teacher keeps telling me - 'others do this, and others do that' without offering any solutions to help him. Over the past couple of weeks I have had some serious conversations with my reception teacher friend and been given some guidance.. which needs to be a whole other post.

Boy-o loves Jelly. Jelly loves Boy-o and they are delight - but I can't leave them together because boy-o gets silly - so when I'm cooking tea I have one of them with me. Boy-o cannot play by himself.. he cannot choose something to play with and do so. He has to interfere with whatever anyone else is playing with. He needs more attention and more reassurance than ever before. He is argumentative for the sake of being argumentative...

IT IS HARD... I feel the need to shout that, because I can't get people to understand... and I'm not sure that I will get them to understand... thankfully our social worker does understand and is an amazing support. Thankfully I have some amazing friends who do understand. Thankfully the twitter community is alive and well and keeping me sane.

A week survived

So much to say...so little sleep...makes a very bad blogger! 

This week has been a funny one, in many respects. It has included differing levels of emotions, as so many weeks do. Safe to say, I am now so tired, that managing the demands of the two boys is becoming very difficult.

I took boyo to Church with me last Sunday (as often happens) and we sat next to some friends of ours, who were at church because of church parade...the little girl sat and whispered to me, 'boyo got an achievement certificate in Friday, but in wasn't in assembly' which was lovely news, and something boyo got to tell M when we got home. On Mon we found out, it was because he did some good number work! 

Earlier this week it was the wave of light in remembrance of all those babies that didn't make it. I sat and had a quiet reflection on all those children of ours, who aren't. And yet, if we had any of those children, I wouldn't have the amazing two boys that we do have, who are so meant to be with us. Life doesn't throw at us more than we can't deal with, although in the dark it's hard to remember, 

I was also contacted this week by our agency, wanting me/us to be an adoption champion. I agreed that I would share our story, our hopes, dreams and aspirations. I also agreed that I would think about appearing on the radio during national adoption week! I might regret that, but we'll see what happens.

I also went to the adoption toddler group this week...and sat listening to all these wonderful things that a selection of first time adopters were saying, and how marvellous they are finding everything! And then I spoke to someone who has adopted a second time, and she asked me how things are...I nearly ended up in tears, because it is so hard, and right now, it's not particularly getting easier, just that I am getting more used to it. We had an interesting conversation, that I will return to in due course. 

So there we are, highlights and lowlights of another week...

Siblings

It's ironic isn't it - the week that we go to matching panel and start introductions for Jelly - is the week that the theme for WASO is siblings.

I wrote a post a couple of weeks ago about some of boy-o's siblings. We meet up with two of his birth brothers regularly. They have an 'odd' relationship - odd as in I don't understand it! They don't have the concept of being brothers, and yet there is an intrinsic bond between them. They have never lived together, but somehow they know that they are linked.

Boy-o and Jelly are related. They share a grandmother. I wonder if they will have a similar sort of link. There are lots of similarities in their stories. The reasons that they are in care are similar. It's not because they aren't loved, and whenever we talk to boy-o about his birth family, we give him that message, she loves you but... and I am sure we will give Jelly the same message.

So we are in the middle of introductions. The boys have met as brothers. And have interacted as brothers. And Jelly, will produce a smile for Boy-o, and Boy-o loves this. Boy-o is enjoying being the big brother and able to do things that Jelly can't.

This isn't to say that introductions are amazing and going smoothly. That would be a lie. There are issues and  we are finding our way. It's going to be tough and difficult. Not that we expected otherwise. I hate the feeling that I am upsetting the pair of them, and I know that it will be okay in the end, but I'm not sure how long it will be until the end.

In the meanwhile, I am watching cousins who don't know each other, start to learn to live together, as brothers.

Weekend thoughts

My mind in snippets....

I spoke to my boy's teacher at the end of yesterday and said what I thought had happened... she said 'that makes sense'. I do like her, and one of the assistants; just the one that sends me around the bend. I might accidentally have let his teacher know though, although I hope not. I work with his teacher's sister in law, and she takes keen interest in my boy; as I do her daughter - who is now at Uni. She asked how he was doing on Fri morning, and I told her I wasn't happy and why! She won't go out of her way to say anything, but you know how these things end up happening.

I need to refer you to a fantastic post I've read this week; one of those I shall print out and have pinned up in our house. Quick go read An Adopters Manifesto across at The boy's behaviour if you haven't read it yet, and whilst you are there; have a good look at the Weekly Adoption Shout out.

Still waiting for paperwork from LA for second adopter; it's possible that our social worker's plan won't pan out. Not surprised. Not worried. When it happens, it will happen, the timing will be right for us.

My sister is just starting her homestudy. That's all I'm saying on that at the moment.

Half term is here.... I love it as a teacher, but boy-o craves and needs routine. It could end up being a long week. We only have two real fixed plans at the moment... need to come up with something for the other three days.

I'm 36 very soon. Very, very soon. I didn't give up celebrating my birthday when I turned 30, in fact I very determinedly celebrated it the following year. But it's all still wrapped up in emotion, and I'd sooner it was past.

Life is full of interesting happenings... Church, school, pre-school, Brownies, family. Too much going on, not enough time to devote to any of them really. Each day comes, stuff happens, and it passes.

snow

This week, is one to remember... it's been interesting. Snow and small boys mix really well. Tiredness and small boys not so much!

Monday everywhere was shut due to the snow, so we went to the community centre at Church, met up with friends and their children. We did some preparation work for Brownies, we had lunch, the children played. The children played some more; actually it was lovely, we had 12 children aged from 9months to 9years playing nicely with each other.

The snow did make things more interesting; we are reduced to one car on the road - the other has spent most of the week at the bottom of our sloping drive with 6 inches of snow on it! The car that is running has winter tyres on it. It has meant getting boy-o to the childminder before going to work has been more difficult than normal... I've been dropping M and him off in the village at 7.10 in the morning, to walk the rest of the way.

Today we met up with our favourite adoptive family... we went to a local play place and the boys had an amazing time. I spent a couple of hours talking to my friend, and we both allowed ourselves to get excited about the possiblility of number 2 - she has the same doubts and concerns as me. But we both know if it's meant to be, it will be.

Tomorrow is boy-o's eye test at the hospital. He hates it, and I hate it. He hates it because it hurts, I hate it because it hurts him. I'm hoping we'll get some answers though, why hasn't his eyesight improved?

Family Fun

A bad, bad morning, because M needed some new t-shirts so we had to go shopping, the boy-o was not happy. We had a lot of 'no want to' and 'no shopping, play'; and when I offered that he could go to bed instead, he said 'go to bed' (bother) I started to walk him upstairs, at which point he said...'no, go shopping'. However, it was the quickest trip we could make.

I'd intended to give him a small nap (which he has mostly grown out of) but we were up late this morning, we didn't actually have time before the park. We had lunch, then set off to the park early; mostly because I wanted to find the ducks to feed; with the going out of date bread (wouldn't normally bother me, but it was going mouldy).

We wandered around the park, and eventually went to the play area where we had arranged to meet. And other people came - mostly people that we know from the play-and-stay but other people came. We had a lovely couple of hours playing... the big kids and some dads went to play cricket; the littlies played in the sand, on the slide, and on the swings. We had ice-creams. We played with footballs and tennis balls. And we talked; and shared our subtly different parenting issues.

I can't tell you other people's stories, but there were some told. One couple who came are in the middle of their second introductions. Others have issues with schools - terrifyingly horrid issues, others have family issues. It was good to share. I was able to admit to my concerns about boy-o going to nursery school in Sept and whether he will be ready. I also mentioned that I spoke to my boy's brother's mother earlier in the week - that's not something you can readily do with other mummy friends!

We enjoyed ourselves, we talked about future plans - because parks are fine for summer, but not so good in winter. We talked about what people wanted. We gathered as parents of 'different' children and talked about where we are; and listened. It is something that is needed, both for us as parents and for the older children who don't meet other adopted children very often.

We had issues because boy-o was tired and hot. But others understood; because they get that emotionally he's not the same age as he appears. Issues as in, I will tantrum and roar and lay on the floor and cry unless you change your mind and let me do what I want! He's 3, acts as a 2 year old and looks like a 4 year old - I'm getting used to funny looks, however today there were no funny looks, just a bit of sympathy.

Other people enjoyed it and have said they will come next time - and hopefully this is the start of something that we need and will continue.

February

February has been a funny month for the last few years - and as I prepare to face this week, knowing that it's the anniversary of my worst miscarriage; but equally knowing that the end of the month will bring about the anniversary of meeting our boy...I feel strange. I want to cry about what might have been, but that takes away from the joy of my boy.

Nothing takes away from what might have been, and time doesn't heal, it just helps you find ways to deal with it. Those babies were precious, as were all the others, but it is this miscarriage that I remember more than any other. Knowing that 5 years ago, I had hope of an entirely different ending to our story.

And yet... I can't imagine any other outcome. I love my boy, I can't think of how I could have loved a birth child more. He is our child, and whilst I wish for him that he had been able to have been brought up by his birth family; I'm glad he's ours.

And yet...I wonder what might have been, who those children would have grown to be. Whether they'd be tall and skinny like M, or shorter and chubbier like me. Would they have liked what we like, would we have cherished their joy of the world, of being outside. Would we have a girl who liked doing craft like me. Would we have a boy who wants to explore how the world works like M. Who would those children have been.

And yet... we are blessed beyond measure. Our boy, is such a boy. He loves being outside and will just run around with the joy of it. He is not afraid of anything (except us leaving him). He finds joy in each new day and each new experience. Everywhere he goes people smile, because he smiles. He is making me grow, because with him I have to be a better person.

And yet... sometimes when I am with my friends with the children born in the month before ours would have been, I wonder. Would their children be good friends with ours. Would they be experiencing everything new with them.

And yet... boy-o loves those children. If you ask him who his friends are... two out of the three (the ones he sees most often) are mentioned...always. Other friends vary, but he loves spending time with those children. He plays so well with them. Perhaps if they had been closer in age it would have been different.

And time passes. The pain becomes easier to absorb. The knowledge of our boy is great, and the shadows are fading. As those potential children become older... I lose sight of them more often. They become more ghost like... a presence rather than actual beings. But I can't forget them totally, they will always be there, waiting in the shadows.

Life is...

Such fine plans... as usual interrupted by life. I am just about keeping up with commenting for ICLW - just need to do an extra days worth today! I have however got 292 posts in my reader to read... sorry if some of those are yours!

Life is trundling on. We've had a visit from the health visitor this week. She has obviously gone away and done some research about adopted children and attachment issues. When she came for boy-o's review meeting she was very keen that we should do this or that. She backed off totally this time, the most controversial thing that she suggested was getting rid of his nap time dummy in a couple of months - to which I responded, 'yes if he's ready'. No comments about time out, the fact he's still in a cot, about potty training! It was a good meeting.

Our social worker came yesterday. She is really pleased and very happy. We didn't have much to talk about, for me it's just knowing that someone will appear and check up on us every couple of weeks. We can now get the paperwork sorted and apply to court to adopt - he's been here 10weeks which is the minimum time. She said that social services would like us to wait until after the next review meeting - which I have no problem with. I said we were going to wait until we got all the paperwork we should have from boy-o's social worker - she thought that was really sensible.

This morning we have been to a parent and toddler group for the second time. It was good that I recognised some faces from when we went before (a fortnight ago). And some of the mums actually spoke to me. One grandmother was there and was very interested in the fact that we are adopting boy-o. I spent quite a bit of time talking to her, and as she goes regularly - it's someone that I will be able to talk to ago!

That's what I am finding hard - going to toddler groups and seeing all these mums in their little groups - obviously knowing each other. So that really should be my next challenge - to have a proper conversation with someone that I don't already know at a group! The groups that we go to on Fridays are different - the one at Church is run by my mates and I know a couple of other people there. The alternative one that we go to is one put on by the adoption agency - and all the children are adopted - so the conservations start easier and flow more as you have less to explain!

I'm starting to find a new routine, patterns to life and what we do! It's all starting to feel more normal!

Empathy skills for cabbages...

It's been a long week - filled with high and low moments... I've been thinking over this post since Monday. Today I'm making time to post it!


It's okay not to know what to say. 'Sorry to hear that' might not feel like a good thing to say, but at least you are acknowledging that there is an issue.

Sometimes it really is better to say nothing - words however well meant, can cause offence when someone isn't ready to hear them. A smile or a touch (or a hug virtual or otherwise) can say 'I'm thinking about you'.

Acknowledge that you can't possibly understand how the other person is feeling, because we can't live in someone else's head. Do, however, make sure that you try to understand that the person you are dealing with may be hurting, angry or upset, and therefore may not be entirely rational.

Realise that grief isn't something that is short term, and even when someone has a good day it doesn't mean that they are 'over it'. It will probably come back at some inappropriate moment.

If the person you are talking to wants to talk, listen to them. They want to talk, they probably don't need to hear your opinion, or what you would do in that situation.

Equally, if that person, that yesterday wanted to talk, doesn't today, accept that as their decision. Sometimes it is too hard to talk, sometimes it's better to not think about the things that cause the pain.

Let them know that you think they are doing okay. When you are living in pain (for whatever reason) it can be lonely. It's difficult to think straight, and sometimes self-belief and self-confidence go AWOL. Let them know that they are doing okay, because they might not know that.

Understand that you might not be the person they need to talk to at that time. Don't take it personally, just let them know that you are there, ready and waiting if they do need to talk to you at some other time.

Let them know that you care, in small ways or in big ways - it doesn't matter. But letting someone know that you care, that they matter is important for the other person.



I'm sure that there is more that I ought to add... in fact... if you have an empathy skill that you'd like to share, why don't you add it in the comments, for no other reason, but that you can.