A year on...

This week the theme for the Weekly Adoption Shout Out #WASO is A Year On...so I thought I'd run with that...

A year ago, we were anxiously waiting for paperwork to start adoption number two, (I've checked back). I was busy at work, doing all sorts of things that I always do (I haven't checked, I've assumed). We were a family of 3 doing okay (mostly) with boyo coping with most of what was coming his way. Apparently a year ago, he had a crying fit at school 'because he didn't want the baby to stay'... or in fact he had watched one of his friends get to go home after crying...about his baby brother. I was also celebrating our adoption support networks, filled with amazing friends.

A year ago, I could not have imagined what this year would bring... a new child, an upcoming house move, looking towards a statement for boyo at school, more doctor, post adoption support, new friends,

We have had a good year - with some incredibly difficult patches. Things once more have changed beyond recognition... and we are slowly finding a way to a new normal. Some weeks are good - last week was good, some weeks are more tricky... I find it hard to be calm and sympathetic on 3 hours sleep. We have amazing moments of pure joy... and we have moments that I could sit and cry.

A year ago, I thought my heart and life were full. I had no idea that there was room for more. A year ago I was confident that we were through the worst with boyo and things were getting better... I had no idea of the effect of full time school. A year ago, I was still asking questions of experienced adopters... now I am asked the questions...although I still ask them of others.

Time doesn't stand still, and neither do our lives. A year is a long time, but at the same time, just a blink of an eye.

Well done The Adoption Social - a year ago, you started something... which has grown and grown, along with a community of supportive people. I hope you continue  for many a year to come, as we all walk aside each other, learning from each other and sharing joy and tears.

A space to run....

So there is a new linky at The Adoption Social called The Things We Do. Somewhere to link up and share ideas that make a difference in their lives. 

So I was thinking of the things we do to make life easier for us and for the boys... 

Boyo is calmest when he has space to run. Around us we have lots of open space, where we can go to walk the dog, and he can run. He knows the rules... if I shout 'stop' he must stop, if there is any kicking of leaves near dogs or other children, we will leave, if he has a tantrum and lies down on the floor, I will stop for a minute and offer words of comfort, but I will then continue, he will need to catch up and finally, stay away from streams, rivers, becks, ponds, lakes or any other body of water larger than a puddle. 

His favourite place is near a road, and we only go there when I can absolutely trust that he will hear me and react when I need him to. His second favourite is nearby woods - with a short walk from a car park to the woods and no roads nearby. Space to run and hide and to just exist. It helps us through our days! 

Friday

Friday was always going to be difficult before the week got interesting! It was children in need - so Boy-o didn't have his uniform for school, and he had a hospital appointment and we had no-one who we could leave Jelly with!

Boy-o went to school, got himself wound up and worried, then we had to pick him up early and take him to the hospital. This made him worry and panic and stress... because he has been wobbly all week. The good news is, he did really well, and his right eye is now nearly working at normal level (through his glasses) and his left eye is improving.

After this, because although it had been a difficult week, we had all coped okay, we decided to go for our lunch. This was obviously one thing too much for the boy. We went somewhere we have been before, which was quiet - it's a child friendly place, and it was a cold Nov Friday. He really struggled with eating, as it is a diner style place, and the seat backs are high. He struggled with playing outside, on the lovely equipment they have. He just struggled.

We came home and had some playing time... not that boy-o can play anywhere near jelly this week. And the boys were in their pyjama's at 5.00 and in bed by 5.30. If only they slept through!

Thursday

On Thursday, we had another bad start to the day. Boy-o plainly didn't want to go to school, and was creating difficulties to make sure we didn't get there on time... little does he know, that I allow for this in my planning of the mornings.

Thursday morning for me, was all about friends and conversations about living with a child who is different. It started in the playground, as one of my friends boys is having a tough time, and I left boy-o wobbly and not wanting to be there, and she left her boy in tears. We walked out together, knowing that we are both living through tough times, offering the other one help, but knowing that there is a limit to what we can do. She has however, applied for disability living allowance (DLA) for her younger son, and gave me some tips.

I had arranged for another friend to come and talk to me about DLA and whatever other advice she had to give. And there was plenty of useful information, but very hard to talk about our damaged children, who have other difficulties as well. She has been battling things for the past few years so had lots of tips to pass onto me.

When I picked boy-o up from school, the Senco caught me, and we had a brief chat. As I'd had my brain melted in the morning, I probably didn't make much sense, but she did say that boy-o's teacher had been to see her for some advice... finally! I do need to arrange a meeting with the Senco and chat more to her, the problems that we are having are not all adoption related.

I also squeezed in a phonecall to post adoption support - who are coming to see me next week!

It was another difficult afternoon, but we lived through it, and once the boys were asleep, M and I hatched a plan... and it feels better to have plan. But it does leave us with some decisions to make...about the house, about work, about schools, lots of thinking to do.

Tuesday...

On Tuesday things felt okay... but my poor boy-o had a terrible morning, which has effected the rest of our week. The type of morning that I wish he didn't have, but usefully it happened at school...so following our meeting on Monday, he showed them on Tuesday that he doesn't react the same way that other children do.

But I'm getting ahead of myself... Tuesday morning, Jelly and I went to a toddler group, and had a lovely time. We also had a wasted trip to the doctors - again, 30mins of my life I will not get back, which wasn't what I needed after Monday morning. But Jelly had a lovely time at toddler group.

I had a phone call from our social worker to say she'd had a look at Jelly's life story book, and she completely saw where I was coming from. She spoke to Jelly's social worker and expressed her concerns... who still didn't get it, however she has agreed (with some pressure) to redo the life story book in a more appropriate manner.

However, I when I went to pick boy-o up from school, everything went downhill. I could tell it wasn't great when his 1 to 1 assistant snuck out of the dinner hall to speak to me, she normally waves and gives me thumbs up or thumbs down. One of our suggestions on Monday had been that he needed some time out of the busy classroom (60 children, 7 adults = too much), to give him chance to calm. This was implemented on Tues - but the room he went to is on the corridor that links reception to KS1. One of the school's autistic children was having a really bad day, and went onto this corridor and screamed and wailed. And boy-o could hear this noise, but not see what made it.

He froze... as in fight/flight/freeze. He went drip white and started shaking. And he's not done that at school before. It was all the teaching assistant could do, to get him out of the room and back into the classroom. I found out afterwards he was so bad, that his teacher picked him up and sat him on her knee (she is not a cuddly woman)!

But then at lunchtime, the autistic child did it again, and boy-o did it again. And even my friend who keeps her eye on him at lunchtime (as in it's her job) couldn't get him to come round. Eventually the class teaching assistant took him out of the dinning hall and sat with him, cuddling him.

I was told this when I picked him up, and I was happy with how it was dealt with. I am happy they tried to implement something that I felt was important. I am sad that the consequence was so awful for him. But been me, I wrote a lot in his home/school diary about adrenaline and cortisol and did some education about brain's.

But he couldn't stay still for the rest of the day... we went to his swimming lesson, because his teacher there gets him. Sadly there was a new child in the lesson, who didn't get to see him at his best, but he swam. We went to the park. We had an easy tea. We had a bath. He went to bed... and he didn't have night terrors (whoop, whoop, whoop) but he slept very lightly and very badly.

Life and Loss

Once again I've written a lot of posts in my head in the past month... but somehow they have not made it here. But I am determined to start writing again... partly to clear my head, and partly to record what is happening, so that I can look back and say things have improved.

And I think that's where I should start...things have improved. In the day to day living it's still hard, but it is improving. It's not easy, but no-one said it would be... but it's getting more normal.

This weeks #WASO optional theme is LOSS, which seems to be a good place to start... at the moment we are all in this house suffering with loss.

M & I are suffering with the loss of sleep... which is pretty insignificant compared to my boys. It's also the time of year, when my head turns to all the loss that we lived through and grieved in our journey to this point. The pregnancy that I got furtherest through, would have been due round about now... we could have a 6 year old or two running around. I don't mourn that alternative life, because without that, we couldn't be here, but I do have to reflect on the fact that we started this journey of adoption from a place of loss.

My boys have both suffered loss.. huge overwhelming loss... from the time that a judge decided that their birth families couldn't parent them, their lives have been about loss and we are presently living with the effects of that loss.

Adoption is surrounded by loss.... our loss of dreams, my boys loss of birth family and their history, birth family loss. And this isn't a quick healed loss... I never, ever, ever adovate that old saying 'time heals everything' because it doesn't... time gives us the tools to cope with whatever life brings, but it doesn't heal, the wounds are there, and be can opened at any moment.

In the immediacy my Jelly is grieving the loss of his foster family, even though he is tiny and seems to be doing okay. He is very independent and doesn't NEED us, which is something that we are doing a lot of work on. To be fair to him, he does now seek me out when he wants something, so he is starting to need us. He has lost the contact with his foster family and his birth family... and it all happened close together. He's too little to know what those loses will cause, and we hope for the best, and prepare for the hard work!

Boyo is also grieving at the minute, which is making his life very hard. Going through the intros for Jelly stirred up a whole pile of emotions for him, which he has struggled to verbalise, but has shown us through his behaviour. He repeatedly tells me when I collect him from school (at dinnertime still) that he has missed me and not seen me for ages, which is as close as I am going to get to an admission that he is worried I won't collect him.

Boyo is insecure and suffers with separation anxiety. Not been with us is incredibly hard for him, and when he isn't with us, he is always more aware... this is why school is such a challenge for him... it's very hard to know where 59 other children and 7 or 8 adults are at all times. As much as we have been able to piece together with him, for him, he is convinced he will loose us too, and therefore wants to be with us... and needs us to feel safe. We spend a lot of time talking about who is safe and can be trusted... childminder, teacher, his support assistant... in the hopes that the repeating the message will ease some of the anxiety and help him relax more.

The effects of loss on adoption children is not well understood. As adoptive parents through, we live with those effects. Each day an adventure, and a puzzle to solve.

Life Stories...

Today we had a visit from a representative of After Adoption Yorkshire...it was something our social worker had set up for us, and we thought would be worthwhile to take the opportunity. The boys are cousins but it is more complex than that, and at some point in the future we will may well need additional help to help them understand their stories. There is money put aside for this in future.

She came and she was lovely. And we talked for 2 hours. About all sorts of things. She collected information for later sessions... what siblings there are, and where they presently are. This may not be the case in future.

We talked about the complexities of the boys relationship, and we explained how we thought we were going to deal with it. She agreed that we seemed to have understood it well, and our plan seemed very reasonable. She also agreed that it might be a long time before the boys actually need to hear the whole story.

One of our concerns is that boy-o may need to hear it before jelly is ready. But she did say, not to worry about that, that the time will come when it's nature to tell them. We have a story to tell them which will need expanding upon as they get older, and can understand more.

We did talk about how we are coping, how the boys are coping and various other things. She said we seemed to have a good understanding of the boy's needs.

We agreed that things are okay at the moment, she will email me a reading list, with some useful books on. And we can ask for more sessions whenever we feel the need for them. We don't have to wait until we want input for the boys. If we have questions, or need advice we can ask at any point.

So we were reassured, and confident that when we need the help, it will be there.

So where were we...

It's two weeks since I last posted, which is nothing when things are going well, but I usually post a lot more frequently when things are going pear shaped. And they have been very pear shaped! But right now, Boy-o is sitting on the sofa next to me, relaxing and having some calm time, whilst watching CBeebies, and Jelly is upstairs in his cot, having a nap. It's taken this long for me to be able to sit and type... and even now, I'm getting, what are you doing, why, just noise been generated.

Jelly has a cold, and is miserable with it. We are on the death throes of it hopefully, he seems brighter today. We have been bonding and attaching, he's been in his sling and carried lots. He is a happy thing, who plays well, and is just busy. The cold has caused some problems as he hasn't been sleeping. But the benefit of sitting up all hours giving him cuddles in terms of attachment are amazing. 

He and I went to the adoption playgroup this morning, and one of the social workers who did our prep course first time round was there. She knew we'd adopted again, but was really pleased to see him. I had him in the sling, and she commented on it - I pointed out it's easier than getting the pushchair our of my chair, and it's good for him to be carried. 

Boy-o is feeling more secure and settled... but isn't right yet. We can see from his behaviour that he is still struggling. He was very happy on his half days at school, so I spoke to his teacher about him doing full days this week, like everyone else. He managed Monday really well, but didn't sleep well Monday night (he's not the only one in his class that didn't), but come Tuesday lunch time, I had a telephone call to say, 'you need to come and get him, he's distraught and just wants you', so I went to pick him up and we spent the afternoon doing calming activities. 

(He's just decided to see how close he can sit to me! Typing with one hand now)

In collaboration with his teacher and TA, we've decided to keep him part time for the moment. We have a meeting next week with his teacher, and will discuss how to proceed from from here. I can quite see we won't be full time until Christmas, which is fine, as I am not at work, and he needs the security of been with me, at the moment. However, I am now having to balance, I can't do what I planned as I have boy-o in the afternoon... and it's difficult to find things that both boys are happy to do, without me having to help them both. 

Successes have been a walk in the woods, as I carried Jelly, whilst Boy-o ran and threw sticks and added to dens that have been made. It is a lovely place to go. Going to a park is also good for Boy-o but not as good for Jelly, as he does want to get out of his pushchair and play... and I can't look after him and help Boy-o at the same time. Less successful was yesterday's suggestion by me, that we needed to go and get Boy-o some new trainers. This resulted in a huge strop including a massive nosebleed. 

We are still trying to do theraplay activities with boy-o most days. Some days it works better than others. But M and I can both see the benefit of it for boy-o. I have started some life story work, but that is a blog post all of it's own.

M & I are doing okay, and everyday it gets easier, so we will continue to be okay. 

Ooops... it's all a little difficult here...

We knew it would be difficult. We knew we would have problems. And yet...when our social worker forgot about us on Wed (she is on annual leave this week) I had a crisis feeling. Had text conversation with her, and said we were okay - not easy but okay, and then on Thurs things imploded and I sent a text just after lunch to say 'please come this evening' which she said she could do.

It was the adults who were struggling with how to deal with behaviour. Boyo is very caring and always has been, and as such he is in Jelly's face a lot. He wants to help, but isn't showing it in the best way. He is constantly doing things that we are asking him not to, such as holding onto Jelly, and taking his cuddly off him and countless other things. He wants to show how much he cares.

But he is also very excited and is spending his whole time showing off. And because he's the way he is, he is also been very vigilant - because his world has changed, and he needs to find his new place in this new order.

We have been reassuring him, we have let him regress as he wants, he is been fed, he is having a bottle of milk at bedtime, we have tried all our usual tricks, ignoring the bad and praising the good, rewards, bribery and threats of early nights. Nothing was having any effect, as soon as you praised him, he stopped doing what he was been praised for. Ignoring the behaviour just escalated it. Sitting him with us on the sofa has given us both bruises. I think my low point was when I carried him upstairs, put him on his bed, and sat in his chair, refusing to engage until he calmed down... I had teddies thrown at me for that one, and there are a lot of teddies on his bed.

So we reached out... and asked for help, because we could not calm him. There was nothing that we could do, that would help him, and we wanted to help him, no needed to help him.

We talked things through. We explained that we felt WE were getting into a negative cycle. And that, is what was bothering us most, we are usually good at stopping that negative cycle, but we couldn't find a way forward.

It felt better to hear that it was normal. That virtually every older child struggles when a new child arrives, no matter how they arrive. That we were doing okay, it's not a disaster.

She agreed that we were doing the right thing going out for part of each day. That we were right about gradually starting to introduce people to Jelly, because Boy-o needs normality. That we could separate them if it was easier... it was okay that they didn't spend every minute together. I'd been resisting separating them, on the grounds they need to get used to each other, but she pointed out that they are spending time together, and that they don't have to spend every waking minute together.

And she gave us some ideas. Initially to start theraplay activities again - and if we were struggling with it, she's happy to give up some time to come and help us with it. And then some ideas to work on both his life story and Jelly's... to help him understand better his story and his place in the world. She has given us some super ideas, which I will probably blog about, once we've had a chance to do some of them. I've also ordered some more books...

So I went to bed last night calmer, and woke up feeling more refreshed. And today has been a better day - and when Jelly had his nap, I got out my mysterious box that Boy-o noticed first thing this morning, which I'd loaded with some things for theraplay activities last night. And we managed a 20 minute session with theraplay activities, and followed it up with some general silly playing. I gave him the total time that we had available, and when M came home from work before Jelly had finished his nap (M is working part time for at least another week yet), we planned our afternoon... divide and conquer.

And it worked, the boys went to bed much calmer, because things had been calmer. They both went early, as neither is sleeping especially well, but they have slept so far tonight.

So I'm hoping that we can continue to be calm, and do theraplay work. I'll start the life story work soon, when I've had time to get my head round it a bit!

Siblings

It's ironic isn't it - the week that we go to matching panel and start introductions for Jelly - is the week that the theme for WASO is siblings.

I wrote a post a couple of weeks ago about some of boy-o's siblings. We meet up with two of his birth brothers regularly. They have an 'odd' relationship - odd as in I don't understand it! They don't have the concept of being brothers, and yet there is an intrinsic bond between them. They have never lived together, but somehow they know that they are linked.

Boy-o and Jelly are related. They share a grandmother. I wonder if they will have a similar sort of link. There are lots of similarities in their stories. The reasons that they are in care are similar. It's not because they aren't loved, and whenever we talk to boy-o about his birth family, we give him that message, she loves you but... and I am sure we will give Jelly the same message.

So we are in the middle of introductions. The boys have met as brothers. And have interacted as brothers. And Jelly, will produce a smile for Boy-o, and Boy-o loves this. Boy-o is enjoying being the big brother and able to do things that Jelly can't.

This isn't to say that introductions are amazing and going smoothly. That would be a lie. There are issues and  we are finding our way. It's going to be tough and difficult. Not that we expected otherwise. I hate the feeling that I am upsetting the pair of them, and I know that it will be okay in the end, but I'm not sure how long it will be until the end.

In the meanwhile, I am watching cousins who don't know each other, start to learn to live together, as brothers.

Summer holidays are passing...

It's not that I've nothing to post, it's just I'm so busy and so tired that I don't seem to have found the time.

When we set off for this school holiday, I knew I needed a plan.... so we have, and I'm sticking to it. There is something free on around here most days, so that was the first thing to go on. We also arranged to meet our fellow adoptive families on one day a week. I've tried to fit a treat most weeks... this week it was to go on one of the local steam railways, last week we went to big city and went to the Lego shop! We've also had friends to see - which has helped fill time. We've visited parks, walked in different places and generally had lots of out time. We've done craft and painting, and I have some more planned.

So far it seems to be going okay. We've had some meltdowns, and some tantrums, but not as much I was expecting!

Except of course, next week it will all go wrong. We are starting introductions for Jelly (assuming we get through matching panel), which will have a lot of impact on what we can do with Boy-o. At the moment we don't know exactly what we will be doing when, but it's going to have to involve Boy-o a lot, as I am short of people to leave him with - I might be calling in all sorts of favours and travelling to random other places to drop him off, to come back again to see Jelly, but until the plan is put forwards, I can do nothing to prepare.

It's worrying me, but there is nothing I can do, until we have that planning meeting! Which is why it's frustrating, I like to plan.... so if I appear irritated, that's way.

Two days, Three brothers...

We met up with 2 of boy-o's brothers last week. The twin brothers who are 14 months older than he is, and adopted on the other side of the city we call home - nearly in a different area of the county. I love meeting up with them and their mum, and we had a lot to discuss!

Straight away we were stuck with the similarity in their looks, boy-o looks more like one of the twins than the other twin. They sound alike, they look alike, they act alike. Twin S is also loud, disruptive, stubborn and struggles to settle to anything... except winding up his twin brother. Twin J has many, many more problems than either of the other two and will when there is space transfer to a special school. 

Their mum and I had a long chat. We talked about progress that has been made by all 3 boys since last time we met. We talked over issues with birth family - she never got to meet birthmum. We talked about our next adoption and how he fits into their story. We passed 2 hours chatting in a soft play place with occasional interruptions - 'look at me, Mum', and 'he threw that ball at me' and 'I want to go on that now'...just typical boy stuff. 

She has warned me that her boys have been harder this year (their first at full time school) than ever before. We talked about loudness, inability to settle at tasks, stubbornness (oh my goodness they are stubborn or at least boy-o and twin S are). It is funny to see the three of them together, because they are clearly related and their Mum and I are clearly not. 

And then, yesterday we treated ourselves to a visit that we shouldn't have made... but my boy is going to struggle unless we do and our social worker knows. We called round to see M's family friend, and just happened to sit in her back garden, and be invited through into next doors garden. Which probably means nothing... but I'll refer you back to the title of this post! We spent some time with boy-o's brother (to be) getting the boys used to each other. And listening to more from the foster carers!

And I know we shouldn't and many would frown on it. But he will be our child - even if I have to wait... I am having to wait, he should be with us now, if only his social worker had managed to do her job. And an occasional visit will help jelly get used to boy-o and boy-o to get used to jelly...  Foster mum is very much in agreement with us, and we all think that boy-o is the most important person in this. 

Oh... and jelly probably won't be his name for ever, but he shares a name with a friend's child, who has a lovely little nickname, which lead me to jelly - I'm not explaining more than that though. 

Feelings of doom...

My feelings about boy-o's school are swinging widely at the moment, to how good they are, to how could they let that happen, to yes - thank you for that, to doom...

I'm worried now that next year might be our first year with a teacher for boy-o who doesn't get him. Which as it's his first year in full time education may be a disaster. It was when the words 'well all children do that', left her mouth that I realised she really didn't get it!

Her biggest concern... is health and safety. He chews things and puts them in his mouth, and oh my goodness he might choke! To which I explained about his chewy and how to recognise the signs, and all she said was 'well he's choked in nursery'. And whilst I recognise she has a valued reason for concern, this is easy to sort... watch him first, find out if he is putting things in his mouth, and then work out a plan of action. I know you want them to have freedom to choose things, but surely it's not that hard! If I tell you he's had a bad night, make sure he has something he can chew. If I tell you he's feeling unsettled today, make sure he has something to chew.

She calmly told me that one of their first topics that they study is the family, I commented that boy-o might find this difficult...to which I was told 'well you're his family'... umm yes, but not his only family. If you are talking about people that are important and have looked after him, you are just as likely to hear about his foster parents, as us. If you talk about been a baby, he will talk about his birth mother... and call her such - which might confuse some others in the class.

We talked about his need to be able to know everything... she didn't get it.... well if we put him round this corner, it's quieter and he'll be able to focus more.....no, he will worry about what everyone else is doing, because he will hear the noise but not know what is causing it. We talked about the fact he has a mild avoidant style attachment, and he will keep it together all day at school, but rage when we get to the car/home.... 'that's really common in children of his age' Yes, you often see 4 year olds, hitting, kicking, biting, laying on the floor screaming for 20 to 30 mins.

We talked about his ability to choose dinner, 'it'll be fine' apparently, all he has to do is choose in the morning, whether he wants the meat option, the veggie option or jacket potato, stick his name on the right colour and then he'll be given a band as they walk down to dinner, so the dinner ladies will know what he's chosen! So he has to choose as we arrive at school, when there are lots of other people around, and he'll want to play, and then he has to find his name (and recognise it) and stick it on the correct coloured board (he doesn't do colours). Then 3 hours later when they go down for lunch, he'll be given a band to wear, and given his main meal, and vegetables, then asked to choose his pudding. Not going to be a success I fear - never-the-less we will play it their way for a while.

We talked about transitions; and how difficult he finds it - which of course lead to another of the 'all children struggle' comments. To which I felt like saying, yes, but he finds it harder than most, and will take longer to trust you as a reliable adult.

I asked about photos of the classroom and the adults he will be dealing with. It should have been in our welcome pack, and I don't think she believed me when I said it wasn't. I have a horrid, horrid feeling that she listened to what she wanted to hear, and put her spin on it, rather than actually listening. She gave me a talk about over anxious parents, and how half the things we worry about don't come to anything.

I wonder if half the problem is, that she knows it all about adoption. After all her niece and nephews were adopted.... but on the recommendation of their social worker they weren't told that they were adopted until they were teenagers...I suspect from her age (she's been teaching at the school for 30 years) that we are talking about adoption in the 80's. She cannot get her head around the fact that we openly talk about adoption in our house.

I was very glad that the inclusion manager (SEN Co-ordinator) was in the room, and able to take some of what I said, and comment on it, and add to what I was saying. I'm glad that I feel that I have a ally who is trying to understand this. She was trying to find ways to help, and offer support - and I am glad about that. Sadly though, she's not the one who will be in the classroom, day in day out. And I have a horrid feeling, that having gone through nursery without much of a blimp, next year we are going to be talking to school, an awful lot more! And hearing a lot more of 'he did...', 'he wouldn't do...' and 'he didn't...'

I got the feeling in the end, that she was quite glad that I've said he will stay part time for longer than the others. Something less to think about in the afternoon. I hope I'm wrong, but we have always maintained in this house... if you prepare for the worst, usually you will be amazed at how it turns out. I'm also prepared for all the comments of how good he is, until something goes badly wrong.

I left her with a copy of 'education now' and 'let's learn together' which the inclusion manager rushed off to copy. So hopefully one of them will read it.

A boy and his dog...

Boy-o was in foster care in a busy household with no pets. There were chickens on the allotment, but no pets as such. 

The first time he came to visit, he saw Pepper and jumped into his foster mum's arms and bawled. She calmed him down, and we avoided her for the rest of the visit. When we came to live with us, which was only 4 or so days later, we had done as we had planned and got her training crate/cage out, so she had somewhere to retreat to and we could shut her in the kitchen and know that she was happy. 

Somewhere in the next few months, the boy and the dog learnt to get along, a couple of months later and you would have thought they always belonged together. His day is not complete if he hasn't played with her, she is never happy if we are in, and he's not. 

If boy-o is outside, that is where the dog is. If boy-o is playing in our conservatory, that's where the dog is. If boy-o is playing upstairs... she is lying on the top step, ready for when he will come down again. She wags for him, like no-one else. He can take toys out of her mouth, without complaint. And when we mess around and tickle him, and play rough and tumble with him, she cannot bare it...she barks and whines until we stop. 

The boy and his dog... they love each other. And when he's having a bad day, she will curl up and allow him to comfort him... they adore each other. 

Adoption Number 2...

We are waiting. Which is a major part of adoption...

We know what we are waiting for, we know when we are waiting until. But even so, we are waiting. We do now have a definite date; which is something!

He's had his adoption medical this week, and we have some useful information. We are seeing the consultant tomorrow.

His social worker is doing my head in, and my mate who works in social care, but is leaving soon, has promised to hunt the women down and kick her for me.

We are looking at introductions in Aug; and moving in later the same month - a week or two before boyo starts full time school.... no problems with that then, none at all!

We are meeting foster carer on Monday - hopefully we can have some questions answered.

He still doesn't have a blog name, because I'm not convinced about the one I choose. I might have to leave it until we meet him!

Brief rant...

So I have a lot to update...but tonight I need a little rant...

I've been having warm cuddly feelings about boy-o's school for the last week since I had a meeting with his present teacher and someone from pre5 assessment team, they blew it today, and it's a really good thing, that it was a childminder day, and it is tomorrow so I have another 24hours to rationise!

Boyo did not sleep well last night, none of us did. We had to wake home this morning, warned the childminder, all the usual. The childminder noticed he was really tired by lunchtime, so when she took him to school, told the teachers, in fact did more, told them that if there were any problems, to let her know and she'd be straight back to pick him up.

They know he chews when he's stressed or tired...we all know he chews when he's stressed or tired. That's why he has a chewy I his bag, and they have a spare!

So what I can't get my head round, is having been told he was tired...

He got hold of some Sellotape, put it in his mouth, chewed it...and then started choking. To the point he had a big slap on his back to release it! He immediately ran to the other side of the room, and refused to be comforted.

Later he had a pebble in his mouth, at that point they decided to find his chew. But they didn't phone childminder or even me to get one of us to pick him up. They know my teaching load is ridiculously light at the minute...so they know they can phone me.

So far tonight, he has woken 5 times... He's been in bed 4 hours. Crying, screaming, shaking.

If only... They had put his chewy on earlier
If only.... They had let me or childminder know immediately, we could have calmed him this afternoon
If only...

I am sure I will go back to warm cuddly feelings soon, but right now, I wish they had handled it differently, or I had gone with my middle of the night thought, about not working today and kept him with me!

Adoption is all about waiting....

We visited M's parents last weekend, having not seen them for a few weeks as we've been ill and they've been ill. M's mum was asking how things were progressing with our second adoption - our reply, it's progressing! Her comment was about the waiting that we have to do - whereas I can't help but feel that we are rushing through it.

This week has actually been about highs and flat spots....
My work is interesting at the moment, but hopefully one of the big stresses will be sorted out and over with next week. Then a couple of weeks afterwards the GCSE classes leave; so more non-contact time for doing work at school.

Boy-o got our first choice school....which is good because it means the system works. Sadly not all of his friends got in.

We saw our social worker this week. She may have talked about actual children. She may have gone away and sent our old report away to two social workers - and I did say to her that she knows us so well and what we'd like that she can send it to whatever social worker she likes - i.e. children she thinks we may be interested in.

We have a panel date - and the plan is that we will go for approval and matching on the same day.

Argh - it's all happening!

Changes....

The theme this week at WASO (see the button on the left) is all about transitions;

I'm boy-o. I'm four. Everyone thinks I am a happy boy. My Auntie R keeps telling Mummy that I will be okay, because I am happy and friendly she says that I draw other children to me.

But I don't like it when things change... and when I don't like it, I worry and get very cross. I don't like it, because although I love Mummy and Daddy lots, before I lived with them I lived with some other people who I loved too, they were called J & G. And suddenly, Daddy and Mummy started coming to see me, and all the things that I used to do stopped, then I left J&G's house and moved in with Mummy and Daddy.

Mummy says she likes I like routine because it's predictable and safe.

When I know what is going to happen, I am happy. But it's no good telling me that something good is going to happen, when things change I get scared, because it might mean that I have to move again. I don't like it when things change or stop. I get scared.

When I'm scared, I have to know where Mummy and Daddy are. I have to be near them, sometimes this makes Mummy cross as she trips over me a lot, but mostly she remembers that I am scared.

When I'm scared, I like to chew. Mummy and Daddy don't like me chewing my clothes, so they have given me a special chew to use. I use this a lot especially when I'm at school nursery, because strange people come into the classroom, or sometimes we have to do different things, like go to the music room. It's scary if you don't know what is going to happen.

When I'm scared I sometimes have bad dreams. I can't tell Mummy and Daddy what the dreams are about, but I do calm down if Mummy or Daddy come and give me a cuddle. I hate it when I wake up and they aren't here, because that is really scary. I know that they only leave me with Granny and Grandad, or Granny and GD, but if Mummy and Daddy aren't here when I wake up, I don't know where they are, and that is even scarier.

Sometimes when I'm really scared I hit or kick Mummy and Daddy. Mummy really doesn't like this, and she is trying to get me to shout and scream and jump when I am cross. She thinks this might stop me hitting and kicking them. I get really upset when I hit or kick Mummy or Daddy, because I love them and I don't want to hurt them, but sometimes I do.



....okay - so boy-o clearly hasn't written this - but this is what change does for us, in this house. And whilst we try to stay calm and help him, it's not always easy! It helps to remember, that when he is scared, he has these behaviors so we can start to help him unpick why he is scared!

History is written by the winners....

The following isn't meant to promote a debate that my family has had many times over the years - it's just a point I am trying to make.

I always remember my education when I am confronted with the title of this post... I was brought up in England, and went to English schools, the IRA was presented as a terrorist organisation which did terrible things for no real reasons. My cousin was brought up and educated in Eire, and her Southern Irish school presented the IRA as freedom fighters. Neither viewpoint was entirely correct or incorrect, but two sides of a very passionate debate.

So we've written boy-o's life story book. We've had to - for all the reasons that I gave on my last past - right or wrong doesn't matter it's just the fact. But it does mean that we've edited the information that we wanted boy-o to have at the moment. There are facts in his past that matter a lot, but that he will not understand at the moment; so we've brushed them under the carpet.... 'there will be time for that' was the point we made.

But in the middle of the night, in one of my insomniac moments - it struck me... 'history is written by the winners' and my boy's story has been written by us. We have presented the information in the way that we want him to have it. We have glossed over some incredibly difficult information.... there are things that I don't want to explain to him until he is a great deal older. We have left out some information that is impossible to comprehend for a 4 year old, actually it's still a little incomprehensible for us to understand.

We've tried to write it with sympathy towards his birth mum, because that is our/my over-riding feeling towards her. I always look at her life story, and think, 'there but for the grace of God', and I know some of my friends have struggled with that fact. I have no bitterness towards her, just great pity. I've met her, she is ruled by a life of hardship and has lived through things that I can't imagine - not just having children removed by social services.

But I still get stuck at the point that we've written it. It is a book for now, and as M has just reminded me, the plan is to go back and add to it at a later stage. We have a roll of lining paper in the loft where we transcribed his report into some sort of date order. We have his report. We have numerous other reports. It's not that we are keeping secrets - but trying to give him a basic story, that we can all build on in future.

But I hope we have put the right information in and left the right information out.

Life Story Book

We've done it.... the book is complete. I was determined that it would happen this week, and we've done it a day early.

Boy-o now has a life story book, which starts where we are, and ends where we are. In the middle there is a lot of information and pictures about all sorts of things. His birth parents, his birth siblings, those he does see and those he doesn't. His foster carers - both sets. Contact. Meeting us. Our court date, his Baptism and adoption celebration. It's all there... in a form that my boy can understand.


We first had sight of a life story book for him, shortly before we went to court. Our social worker had asked his, not to glue anything into it in case it needed changing. His social worker turned up with a complete book and obviously expected to be congratulated....

Our names we were wrong in it.

Across a picture of his birth mum, the word 'Mummy' was written. Same for birth dad.

There was incorrect information in there about his birth family.

It included a genogram (family tree) taken straight from his report - which is also wrong.

And that was just the start of it....

Our social worker, offered help, she offered training. It was all refused. His social worker took the book away, to redo...

She changed our names!

The facts were still wrong. The pictures would have confused him. The information would have worried him - even the stuff that was correct would have left him confused and worried.

In the end his social worker came back with the book, and we accepted it, knowing we weren't happy. We showed it to our social worker who was appalled and offered to redo it, but knowing how pushed for time she is, we said we'd do it. And we have... finally.


It's important for adopted children to have accurate and useful life story books. It tells them about where they have come from, and helps them start to understand what has led to adoption. Our boy's book glosses over the deeper darker stuff, and there is deeper darker stuff, but that's because he is 4. When he's 10, or 14 or 16 he will be better able to cope with some deeper explanation...

We talk about his birth mum - well now he has a photo. We have spoken briefly about his birth dad - now he has a photo and an explanation. We've talked about his birth brothers and sisters, we've looked at photos, now he can see how they fit in age. It's got reminders all the way through, that we love him, that his foster carers love him, that his birth mum loves him. He is lovable.

We have the information that is suitable now in a book, we have more to add as he gets older.