Empathy skills for cabbages...

It's been a long week - filled with high and low moments... I've been thinking over this post since Monday. Today I'm making time to post it!


It's okay not to know what to say. 'Sorry to hear that' might not feel like a good thing to say, but at least you are acknowledging that there is an issue.

Sometimes it really is better to say nothing - words however well meant, can cause offence when someone isn't ready to hear them. A smile or a touch (or a hug virtual or otherwise) can say 'I'm thinking about you'.

Acknowledge that you can't possibly understand how the other person is feeling, because we can't live in someone else's head. Do, however, make sure that you try to understand that the person you are dealing with may be hurting, angry or upset, and therefore may not be entirely rational.

Realise that grief isn't something that is short term, and even when someone has a good day it doesn't mean that they are 'over it'. It will probably come back at some inappropriate moment.

If the person you are talking to wants to talk, listen to them. They want to talk, they probably don't need to hear your opinion, or what you would do in that situation.

Equally, if that person, that yesterday wanted to talk, doesn't today, accept that as their decision. Sometimes it is too hard to talk, sometimes it's better to not think about the things that cause the pain.

Let them know that you think they are doing okay. When you are living in pain (for whatever reason) it can be lonely. It's difficult to think straight, and sometimes self-belief and self-confidence go AWOL. Let them know that they are doing okay, because they might not know that.

Understand that you might not be the person they need to talk to at that time. Don't take it personally, just let them know that you are there, ready and waiting if they do need to talk to you at some other time.

Let them know that you care, in small ways or in big ways - it doesn't matter. But letting someone know that you care, that they matter is important for the other person.



I'm sure that there is more that I ought to add... in fact... if you have an empathy skill that you'd like to share, why don't you add it in the comments, for no other reason, but that you can.

Remember, remember the fifth of November

For gunpowder, treason and plot...

It's bonfire night tonight, and all over the UK people are having bonfire's and letting off fireworks in remembrance of the discovery of the Gunpowder Plot. In 1605, a group of Roman Catholics tried to displace Protestant rule by blowing up the Houses of Parliament. Guy Fawkes was arrested a few hours before the planned explosion during a search of the cellars underneath the Houses of Parliament in the early hours of 5th November.

On Tuesday night, the church youth group got together for a bonfire and sparklers; but we also set off some Chinese Lanterns.




I love bonfire night - and this year I decided to celebrate the fact, that although I don't have my own family to share it with, there are children that I can enjoy the activities with. And I love the imagery (although the photo's aren't great) of the lit Chinese lantern floating off into the air, free to roam and go where it likes.

Go across to Mel's to see what else people are showing this week!

Relief

Thanks to the commenter's on my last couple of posts... it helped!

I had my meeting at the end of work today and after panicking about it yesterday, it actually went okay. My boss was more receptive than she usually is, I don't know whether that's because the deputy was there as well. I didn't cry, I explained my viewpoint and made her realise that she'd said some stupid things - I actually saw the look on her face as she realised how she has sounded - she was shocked.

She listened, she responded - I was able to explain again how I felt. It was a good meeting. Not a pleasant one, not one that I wanted, but at least it cleared the air, and we are talking again. Will she change long term? probably not, but if she thinks before she opens her mouth, even once, it'll be an improvement.

I explained the feelings of failure, of lack of self worth, of how a mis-placed comment can be mis-understood by someone who is depressed and/or grieving. That when you feel 'a failure' at one thing it is hard to accept that you are any good at anything. I explained that I am doing better now than I have for a while, but that some days are just too hard. That I still need to protect myself, that if I seem off - the best thing she can do is give me space.

The deputy said some lovely things, about how much she values both my boss and myself as teachers. How she and my boss could emphasise with me (funny that a cabbage entered my thoughts at that moment!) but they couldn't walk in my shoes. That she acknowledges that I am still healing and still dealing with things.

There was lots more said, most of it doesn't need repeating. But as she commented whilst we were there, having someone there was forcing her to think before she spoke and she needs to practise that skill. We won't ever be friends, but if we can get back to being colleagues that communicate, I will live with that.

What I'm thinking of saying..

I'm hesitating at posting this; because either you know the full story and will shout at me because I'm not going after my boss with full force, or you don't know the full story so it might seem a little abstract.

Following on from yesterday's post about meeting with my boss; and Mel's comment about writing something down before the meeting... I give you my points that I'd like to get across.... bare in mind, this is me thinking about talking to my boss (trying to build bridges) and written as such;

I want to explain what I feel and why sometimes I have difficultly talking to you. But I appreciate that this is my viewpoint, and that you might have an entirely different take on it and it might be something that you need to think about and come back to at a later date.

At some point in the past 7 years it has become necessary to wrap my heart and head up to protect myself. At times I know that can make me seem irrational or selfish and unwilling to try to look for a another point of view.

I know that most of what you have said between us has been said with the right intentions. I know that you cannot understand why some of the things that you have said have hurt me so badly. And I know that you don't understand that by avoiding you even now, I am protecting myself.

I am glad that you don't understand the pain that I am still dealing with. It's not nice and no-one more than me wishes that I wasn't dealing with it. Not just that I would have liked a successful pregnancy, but that at a year on from my last cycle I would like to be a little more rational, and accepting of what obviously isn't meant to be.

BUT

However unintentionally there have been times when you have hurt me massively. And whilst I don't hold a grudge, it does make me protect myself at times when I feel fragile.

Being told that, however well meaning it is meant, that I should forget about it and concentrate on being a career teacher hurts, because when you've had your hopes dashed that sounds like 'forget it, it won't happen for you.'

You might not have realised how difficult it has been sometimes to get the courage together to say 'we're having another go' because it is hard to judge how that conversation is going to go. To the point of being physically sick about it.

I've been at school times when I shouldn't have been, because there are times when it is easier. When I've been grieving, whilst trying to carry on normally, and it's not a loss that is just there and then goes. It comes back to haunt you at the most inappropriate times. I've completely lost it at hospital appointments, then come into work and taught as if nothing else mattered. I've received phone calls that you wouldn't believe at break time, and then gone into a class of 11 year olds and taught them about reproduction.

I don't want to go back over every incidence, every wound, mostly because I don't (won't) cling onto the words. And I am not saying that this is your fault - this is because we are two different people with two different experiences.


So - what do you think? Be honest, because I've only one got chance at this, and if I blow it, it will make things worse not better. Am I doing myself a disservice by not spelling out, 'you've done this, you've done that' or am I better off not giving specifics?

work issues

I returned to work on Monday after 4 weeks off, following the removal of my gall bladder. Although my Dr said that he would give me another sick note, I really wanted to get back to school before the half term holiday this week, which I suppose meant I wasn't at full fitness, which might well explain why I didn't manage my dealings with my boss very well.

I was accused on Monday of not liking my boss because she has children. That's it, in her mind the reason that I don't like her is because she has children and I don't. This is so far removed from the reality, that I just stood there, gormless like and burst into tears. I couldn't talk at that point, but later in the day I discovered that she wanted to stop me receiving my pay rise because I'd had so much time off in the past two years. I wanted to point out that she'd had maternity leave which counts as continuous service, because I can't get pregnant, I get penalised again.

I had various discussions, with various different people, who all offered different advice, and I had some good outcomes over some of the rubbish. But I was offered some advice that really stuck me, that perhaps it's time to try to explain how I feel to my boss. And because I respect the person who told me this a lot, I didn't just dismiss it, but thought about it, and decided for my well being that perhaps he had a point. I requested a private meeting, and was told 'no way, you have to consider my feelings in this' (that is just a summery), which did leave me open mouthed.

I went back to the person who suggested that I needed to speak to her, and told him, he suggested telling the head. I spoke to someone else, who said, just ignore her (my boss). I thought and wondered and went to speak to one of our deputies for advice. She has said that i I want she will organise a meeting between my boss and myself with her present as a mediator. I agreed this was probably a good idea. So the meeting has been arranged for the first day back after our week's holiday, but I do have the right to say on the day that I don't want it!

So I now have a week to think about how I can explain, without personal insults (sorry, Caroline) just why I avoid her and how much she has hurt me in the past few years.

ICLW and oops!

I'm seriously behind in my ICLW commenting!

If you are here for the first time, welcome.

I'm nh, I married to M (10 years now!), and we have a little dog called Pepper. I teach Science at a secondary school (11-18 year olds). We live on the outskirts of a Yorkshire city, with easy access to the Dales and open countryside. After dealing with infertility for 7 years, with treatment including Clomid, Metformin, and IVF/ICSI we've finally decided to persue adoption.

There is a real reason that I have missed the first 3 days of ICLW , and I thank everyone who has visited so far. I now need to go and make some comments!

How to make other people understand?

And I really mean that. How do I make people out there in my world understand that my grief hasn't just upped and left because we've made a decision to move on?

Yesterday was the 2nd anniversary of my EDD from the one time that ICSI worked for us (not that I got anywhere near it). Today it is a year since I had my last transfer. There are people who don't understand that actually I need to reflect at this time; that I need to remember these dates. That there are things I've lost that they haven't; that there are experiences that they've had that I will never had.

People will tell you that they've had a miscarriage. Scratch that - lots of people have told me that they've had a miscarriage. They tell you it's for the best, that there was something wrong with the baby, that it was God's will, that you'll feel better when you are pregnant again. They will tell you it's something that has happened and you need to move forward and that time heals. They will tell you this whilst holding their child, the one that they've managed to concieve within a couple of months of their miscarriage.

Two years on; the pain is still there, although it's not my constant companion. I've found ways for me to deal with that pain, but it doesn't change the facts. I was pregnant. I miscarried. It's not happened again. I will never be pregnant. Can you imagine how hard it is to type that - let alone say it. I will never be pregnant. I will never know what that feels like. And therefore my miscarriages are important to me, as they are the closest I've got.

This time last year, I was focused on my hope for the FET. And there wasn't a lot of hope in the first place. I didn't know at the time that it was our last go, although I was pretty certain we wouldn't be doing a cycle again at that clinic.

So how do I explain to other people why I'm grieving those babies, those that I miscarried and those that never made it to test date. How do I explain that even though I am looking forward to the future, I have to grieve what might have been. Our children will come to us through adoption - there is no chance that I will be looking at a new born baby amazed at how it looks like this person or that. In fact there is no chance that I will be parenting a new born baby.

I walked with M on Sunday, we were talking about the adoption, and the treatment cycles. I was saying to him, that whilst I can be positive about adoption, I will always have that sad spot in my heart for our babies, for the things that we have missed out on. I can say that to him, and he knows what I mean. But how do I explain that to other people, that just because there is a way forward, I can't just stop looking backwards?