tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-45667852791487810672024-03-06T11:04:54.021-08:00Getting Therenhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08579146100268312887noreply@blogger.comBlogger168125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4566785279148781067.post-30227284585675403302014-03-30T14:56:00.001-07:002014-03-30T14:56:21.127-07:00A quiet ending...<br />
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I have decided for the moment to leave this space, my reasons are real and varied and I am not about to justify them.<br />
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I started this blog 6 years ago, when I was in a dark and sad place. This place still exists but is far smaller than it was. But it was where I was, and where I lived. This blog chronicles a journey from there, to here. But it isn't a place where I can empty my head like I once was able to.<br />
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Last year, I went back and removed some posts. They sit in draft form, where I can see them, but no-one else can. The reasons I did this are now multiplied, I interact with people on twitter that I know in real life and that number is growing. This space to empty my head, has many real thoughts, but some of them might hurt others. That was not the purpose of writing them, the purpose was to heal, and recover.<br />
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I have a new blog, not a space to empty my head, but a space to write about adoption, both positive and negative. I have a private space to empty my head, to continue in my journey of healing.<br />
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I never imagined walking away from this place, but it isn't what it was. My life has changed, but so have my aims in blogging. I need to leave this blog as a place of what was...and I may visit sometimes, but if it can't be what I need it to be, and it can't, I need to leave and start afresh.<br />
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And so a quiet ending, no big bangs and flashes. Life continues, in the darkest moments there is always hope, and hope continues.<br />
<br />nhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08579146100268312887noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4566785279148781067.post-40463034009689996402014-02-07T04:37:00.000-08:002014-02-07T04:37:08.257-08:00A year on...This week the theme for the <a href="http://theadoptionsocial.com/category/weekly-adoption-shout-out/">Weekly Adoption Shout Out</a> #WASO is A Year On...so I thought I'd run with that...<br />
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A year ago, we were anxiously waiting for paperwork to start adoption number two, (I've checked back). I was busy at work, doing all sorts of things that I always do (I haven't checked, I've assumed). We were a family of 3 doing okay (mostly) with boyo coping with most of what was coming his way. Apparently a year ago, he had a crying fit at school 'because he didn't want the baby to stay'... or in fact he had watched one of his friends get to go home after crying...about his baby brother. I was also celebrating our adoption support networks, filled with amazing friends.<br />
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A year ago, I could not have imagined what this year would bring... a new child, an upcoming house move, looking towards a statement for boyo at school, more doctor, post adoption support, new friends,<br />
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We have had a good year - with some incredibly difficult patches. Things once more have changed beyond recognition... and we are slowly finding a way to a new normal. Some weeks are good - last week was good, some weeks are more tricky... I find it hard to be calm and sympathetic on 3 hours sleep. We have amazing moments of pure joy... and we have moments that I could sit and cry.<br />
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A year ago, I thought my heart and life were full. I had no idea that there was room for more. A year ago I was confident that we were through the worst with boyo and things were getting better... I had no idea of the effect of full time school. A year ago, I was still asking questions of experienced adopters... now I am asked the questions...although I still ask them of others.<br />
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Time doesn't stand still, and neither do our lives. A year is a long time, but at the same time, just a blink of an eye.<br />
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Well done <a href="http://theadoptionsocial.com/">The Adoption Social</a> - a year ago, you started something... which has grown and grown, along with a community of supportive people. I hope you continue for many a year to come, as we all walk aside each other, learning from each other and sharing joy and tears.nhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08579146100268312887noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4566785279148781067.post-54837263589334559452014-02-02T13:27:00.001-08:002014-02-02T13:27:24.145-08:00A calmer timeThe end of another week, the passing of another weekend...but this one has been more peaceful than recent ones, not perfect, why would I want that but more peaceful. <div><br></div><div>We had a reflective time this past week, lots of night time awake, and chatting. We know what to do, but putting it into practice is hard. Last weekend by Sunday evening, moods were bad, there had been shouting and screaming and kicking...we all did some of one of them. The week started in the same way, except for one difference....</div><div><br></div><div>It didn't matter what boyo did, I did not shout at him. I got quiet, I got patient (very patient), I acknowledged his feelings, I did what needed doing without saying 'you can do that if you try'. When he let go of the pushchair, I stopped and waited. When he chewed toys, I removed them and gave him a chew, when he kicked I just cuddled and said 'I'm sorry you feel so cross'. </div><div><br></div><div>And for this week it worked, the week ended calmer, the weekend started calmer. Who cares that we know he can put his shoes on, right at the moment he can't. Who cares if he can put his trousers on if he thinks about it, right now he can't.</div><div><br></div><div>Okay, I lie, we weren't perfect and calm at all times. I don't function on 4 hours sleep...this was more because Jelly was ill than anything else. But, and this is important, each day was a fresh start, and I made sure it was.</div><div><br></div><div>It resulted in a lovely weekend, with no lingering resentment (apart from about the lack of sleep).</div><div><br></div><div>Now just to do it all again! </div><div><br></div><div><br></div>nhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08579146100268312887noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4566785279148781067.post-73028813912270895132014-01-22T13:43:00.001-08:002014-01-22T13:43:21.790-08:005 months...Poor Jelly doesn't often get a look in on the blog...boyo dominates. I promise it isn't that way in real life! But today 5 months since he moved in is a good time to reflect on the littlest member of our family. <div><br></div><div>Back in Aug he was still learning to walk, today he was running around the house chasing boyo, the dog or me. </div><div><br></div><div>In Aug he was relatively quiet...he's been here for 5 months, if I can't hear him, I wonder what h's doing. He has started talking, his first recognisable word was his big brothers name.</div><div><br></div><div>5 months ago, we didn't know how two boys who were used to living as single children would cope...ummm, they run circles round us, continuously. Jelly hates taking boyo to school, he loses his playmate/tormentor/victim.</div><div><br></div><div>He came to us as a baby, and is now a toddler. He has his likes and dislikes, and is not afraid of letting us know. He knows his mind.</div><div><br></div><div>He adores going out for walks and been carried either in the back lack or the sling, but he now wants to walk as well as be carried.</div><div><br></div><div>He is a complete monkey, and will wind us all up...he adores buttons, and presses any he can get to...thank goodness my washing machine is behind a closed door! </div><div><br></div><div>We can vaguely remember life before Jelly, mostly that it contained more sleep...but none of us would be without him, apart from the dog...they are not friends!</div>nhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08579146100268312887noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4566785279148781067.post-14486056554441567112014-01-16T14:30:00.001-08:002014-01-16T14:30:18.256-08:00Limbo...At the moment we are waiting...<div><br><div>Waiting for the community paedriciation appointment, as the acute paedriciation feels it would be better for boyo to be seen at a different place - I don't disagree! But know we are starting from point 1 again with someone who doesn't know him</div><div><br></div><div>Waiting for occupational health and physiotherapy appointments..they are supposed to be assessing his motor skills possibly looking towards a diagnosis of dyspraxia.</div></div><div><br></div><div>Waiting for CAHMS to decide whether to assess him or whether he is too young.</div><div><br></div><div>Waiting for a decision on DLA, so we can work out what I need to work next academic year, before seeing the head! </div><div><br></div><div>Waiting for the Ed pysch to see him at school, and look at starting the statementing process...or it's replacement, no-one seems sure yet. </div><div><br></div><div>And...finally...we are waiting for a moving date, because we didn't think we had enough going on so decided to move as well...Okay the house has been on the market for a while, and we have found a house with bigger rooms, and most importantly a bigger back garden...which was why I wanted to move! </div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div>So life at the moment is a waiting game...at some point before my adoption leave runs out hopefully things will resolve themselves and we will have answers! </div><div><br></div><div><br></div>nhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08579146100268312887noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4566785279148781067.post-69272227018482246932014-01-06T13:19:00.000-08:002014-01-06T13:22:41.297-08:00A space to run....<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: 'Yanone Kaffeesatz'; font-size: 17px; line-height: 23px;">So there is a new linky at <a href="http://theadoptionsocial.com/">The Adoption Social </a>called <a href="http://theadoptionsocial.com/the-things-we-do-2/new-linky-the-things-we-do-5114/">The Things We Do</a>. Somewhere to link up and share ideas that make a difference in their lives. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: 'Yanone Kaffeesatz'; font-size: 17px; line-height: 23px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: 'Yanone Kaffeesatz'; font-size: 17px; line-height: 23px;">So I was thinking of the things we do to make life easier for us and for the boys... </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: 'Yanone Kaffeesatz'; font-size: 17px; line-height: 23px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: 'Yanone Kaffeesatz'; font-size: 17px; line-height: 23px;">Boyo is calmest when he has space to run. Around us we have lots of open space, where we can go to walk the dog, and he can run. He knows the rules... if I shout 'stop' he must stop, if there is any kicking of leaves near dogs or other children, we will leave, if he has a tantrum and lies down on the floor, I will stop for a minute and offer words of comfort, but I will then continue, he will need to catch up and finally, stay away from streams, rivers, becks, ponds, lakes or any other body of water larger than a puddle. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Yanone Kaffeesatz;"><span style="font-size: 17px; line-height: 23px;">His favourite place is near a road, and we only go there when I can absolutely trust that he will hear me and react when I need him to. His second favourite is nearby woods - with a short walk from a car park to the woods and no roads nearby. Space to run and hide and to just exist. It helps us through our days! </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Yanone Kaffeesatz;"><span style="font-size: 17px; line-height: 23px;"><br /></span></span>
nhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08579146100268312887noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4566785279148781067.post-58729757353022714922013-12-31T14:20:00.000-08:002013-12-31T14:20:43.892-08:002013 in review...January - started with conversations with boyo about having a sibling, and a meeting with a social worker about adoption number 2. Boyo also started to show more understanding about adoption and the idea that he had a Mummy before me.<br />
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February - contained the down days that it does, as I remembered my worst miscarriage, contained a week off work, a birthday. a celebration of meeting boyo and a waiting for paperwork.<br />
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March - a month of momentous and less momentous occasions. We went to the LA adoption celebration, I had an OFSTED inspection at work, boyo had a birthday and a party, and we had a parent's evening - including the start of transferring from nursery to reception.<br />
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April - thoughts about life story work, and a life story book dominated my mind, along with the progress of a second adoption and meeting friends in the park.<br />
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May - contained a holiday - and many thoughts that have now gone from the blog as a couple of people in real life found my blog and caused me to go through and delete things from the past! We also found out about Jelly - and had to take an unbelievably difficult decision.<br />
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June - started with thoughts of giving up blogging, an accidental meeting of Jelly (by M), a definate link, a death and a funeral.<br />
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July - meant approval panel, school holidays, seeing boyo's birth brothers, the start of the worry about reception year for boyo, and a choking incident at school nursery.<br />
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Aug - school holidays and all that means, were pleasantly interrupted by introductions, and some difficult behaviour from boyo<br />
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Sept - reception year started with little success, and we had a visit from after adoption to talk about life story work.<br />
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Oct - was about survival, and the realisation that things were more than a little difficult and we needed help.<br />
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Nov - started with national adoption week, a post I shared on facebook, that made it's way back to boyo's school (must remember 1 of my fb friends works in the other reception class), boyo having a really bad day at school, and a conversation about a 'statement'. There was a week of meetings; from a LAC review for Jelly, to Post Adoption Support for boyo, GP's, health visitor, friends with DLA conversations, and a meeting with the SENCO...oh and complaints about my stance on photos at school!<br />
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Dec - was busy - hence the two posts - one Secret Santa post and one review of Christmas - without the hard stuff.<br />
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So 2013 has passed, the last few months in a blur. I hope 2014 gives us time to relax more. I have less expectations - can things not get worse please, and can we get boyo attending full time school sometime this academic year - preferably before I go back to work. However, we hope we have one big change coming - a house move is very much on the cards, to a bigger house with a much bigger garden.<br />
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Wishing you all a Happy New Year - and for those expecting great things - I hope you have a wonderful 2014.nhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08579146100268312887noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4566785279148781067.post-28353696762937966622013-12-30T00:04:00.001-08:002013-12-30T00:04:39.608-08:00Christmas in short...I started writing a different post about Christmas but realised that I didn't want to commit this year in total to memory...so a few highlights...<div><br></div><div>1...seeing boyo interact with the older girls who do playground buddy duty at school...we went to a Christmas Eve party at friends house (the mum of one of the girls) and boyi was so excited because of the girls who would be there</div><div><br></div><div>2...baking....we made biscuits, sweets, chocolate, gingerbread reindeer and cakes....I am especially proud of my Christmas tree cake.</div><div><br></div><div>3...jelly has got to meet more of our families, in gentle batches but has met more of them, and charmed them</div><div><br></div><div>4...boyo recovering some of his joy in life...his best two presents, his marble run and a 2 foot inflatable remote control car...he has actually played properly with both of them.</div><div><br></div><div>5.... Jelly right now exploring his cousins playroom... As cousins and boyo are all fast asleep upstairs still! He is having a lovely time thanks</div><div><br></div><div>6....spending time with family and the family that we choose (our friends) </div><div><br></div><div>We will not talk about the sleepless nights, tantrums, screaming and black is white syndrome because I will it agree with my Mummy! This too will pass....I hope. </div>nhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08579146100268312887noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4566785279148781067.post-65830054920332222302013-12-16T12:25:00.001-08:002013-12-16T12:27:08.910-08:00Secret Santa <span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So T<a href="http://theadoptionsocial.com/">he Adoption Social</a> decided to allow us to give another adoption blogger a present, and receive one in return. The post below is a guest post written by <a href="http://thepuffindiaries.com/">Puffin Diaries</a>, I think it's amazing and hope that you do to. I feel honoured to have the chance to share this post with you, as Sarah at Puffin Diaries is one of the people who started The Adoption Social, which has brought together an amazing community of bloggers and twitterati. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
<b>The Boy by the Tree</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
I take a wooden reindeer and place it on the tree,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“This one is for my Nana and all she did for me”</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The boy has chosen his first and reaches on up high,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“This one for my mum, I hope she is alright”.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The boys face reflected in the bauble,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">All shiny round and gold,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He holds my heart in that tiny moment,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And for him I’d give the world.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He’s thinking of his lost mum and wonders does she care?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Will I see her one day, this world is so unfair.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A Gentle rub of back, to ensure he is okay, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And offer of a chocolate, sweetness to allay, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">All the fear and sadness that sometimes can all only be,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Inside the head of the boy standing by the tree.</span>nhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08579146100268312887noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4566785279148781067.post-5198863123104364262013-11-28T14:03:00.001-08:002013-11-28T14:03:34.656-08:00The annual debate...-The annual debate started today outside of school... following an email from school, parents are not allowed to take photos of their child during the Christmas show or allowed to video it. They will be able to take photographs after the show, once those children who school doesn't have photo permission for have left the stage. I missed the conversation, as boy-o is still finishing school early, but I heard it all last year, and I know it's happened as a friend who doesn't want photos of her child online is a little (!) upset/fuming<br />
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Parents don't like been told that they can't record their child's show. Apparently it isn't fair that a parent who doesn't want a child to have a photo should stop anyone else recording theirs. How can some parents be so selfish as to stop school (and parents) photos of their children. Moan, moan, groan.<br />
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Now, I know that about 50% of boy-o's class mates parents know he is adopted, and appreciate my stance on photos. But there are the other 50% and the whole other class...minus my friend. I will tell anyone who mentions it to me, exactly why I don't want photos of my child... and it isn't just because they are adopted!<br />
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When I am at work, I spend a lot of time talking to teenagers about the fact that any photos, any facts, anything that they put on the internet, is there forever. That they can post something, later regret it, delete it, and it will still be on the internet. An image can be copied and stored. Information is stored. It is there FOREVER. And you can't do a thing about it. And that is a pretty good reason, not to record every moment on their life online.<br />
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My boys have a right to privacy... like we had. My friends know what I want them to know. They don't know what my parents want them to know... (mostly, MIL is a different story). My childhood is recorded in photos and oral stories, I have a shared history with my parents, siblings, cousins and forever friends. No-one that I meet on the street, in a group, wherever, is going to log into a website and see photos of my childhood... because they are mostly at my parents house (and will remain so). That's not to say that there aren't random photos on fb from my childhood... that I've put up, or one of my friends has. But there is nothing more embarrassing than dodge 90's glasses to worry about.<br />
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My boys are adopted within our area (from the local agency). I know where their birth parents live. There are places I don't take them to. I have friends who live near friends, who live in these areas. Someone I know could comment on a photo of boy-o that I am tagged on, someone else could see it and put two and two together. Suddenly birth parents know where we live... and where he goes to school.<br />
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If you want to think more about this have a look at these links<br />
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<a href="http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2013/06/dont-post-pictures-of-my-kids-on-facebook/">http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2013/06/dont-post-pictures-of-my-kids-on-facebook/</a><br />
<a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/technology/data_mine_1/2013/09/facebook_privacy_and_kids_don_t_post_photos_of_your_kids_online.html">http://www.slate.com/articles/technology/data_mine_1/2013/09/facebook_privacy_and_kids_don_t_post_photos_of_your_kids_online.html</a><br />
<a href="http://healthland.time.com/2013/09/06/should-parents-post-pictures-of-their-kids-on-facebook/">http://healthland.time.com/2013/09/06/should-parents-post-pictures-of-their-kids-on-facebook/</a><br />
<br />nhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08579146100268312887noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4566785279148781067.post-56475521358562499992013-11-22T14:18:00.001-08:002013-11-22T14:18:28.498-08:00The highs and lows of a week...So after last week which was pretty dire... I was hoping for better things this week... and in some respects I got them, and in others...nope just continuation of the same old, same old.<br />
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We got very worried on Sunday, as we went to the children's activity church service (if that makes sense) and saw a family friend... who apparently had seen boyo at school on Tues before all this kicked off... he had no recollection of seeing her at all... he has also forgotten bits about swimming (after), going the the park (after) and various other bits. This worried us immensely.<br />
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Thankfully in a week of appointments, the first appointment - LAC review for Jelly - brought the health visitor to our house... and say what you like, she has gone away previous meetings and found out about attachment and trauma. And when she walked in the door... I asked for advice - about what to do, did I need to see school nurse etc.... she said GP, paediatrician appointment and CAHMS. We had our LAC review, and at the end, we were asked whether we were ready to adopt Jelly... to which we replied, 'no, not yet' which stunned the independent reviewing officer (our social already knew, and had told Jelly's social worker too). We explained that things were too up in the air, that there were things we wanted sorting out prior to adopting Jelly, including issues with Boy-o, and explained, with our SW input why we are struggling and the lack of input from PAS. He went off to email manager of PAS...<br />
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Second appointment was with GP (as HV recommended). He decided it was something and nothing, and would refer us the paediatrician, but didn't see the need for CAHMS. He was more bothered about boy-o's lack of school attendance than anything else. So I left downhearted, but not beaten!<br />
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Thursday brought forward Post adoption support...who had clearly been challenged to help us. We had a long chat with the social worker, who had many understanding things to say, and some useful ways forward. Until the issues that make boy-o struggle at school are addressed, he isn't going to do well at school! She will refer us to CAHMS (ha ha ha) and thinks we should be looking for a statement based on emotional and attachment issues (although she didn't know statements are going!). We wait, because if she comes through with CAHMS and Social, Emotional and Behavioural Team into school... I will be happier.<br />
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And then today... we went to speak to the SENCO (technically I think she is now the Inclusion Manager) at school. And she listened, and proposed ways forward with increasing attendance... like increasing support (presently at 15hours a week), and not expecting boy-o to do what others are doing, it will be enough that he is at school... he can be playing outside, he can be working with 1 to 1 support, he can playing with playdough, but if he is at school full time by May she will be happy! And she will do what she can to make this happen.<br />
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She also listened to us about the attachment difficulties and asked for advice! She has been on a course recently and started to think about behaviour in terms of what that is telling her about the child! I lent her Inside I'm Hurting, and gave her several bits of paper to keep (thank you adoption social and inspired foundations!)<br />
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We talked statements and education health care plans. We talked educational psychologists. We talked SEB Team. We talked about things to help him. We talked visual timetable, with a photo of me at the end, so he can see how much more he has to get through. We talked about DLA and her filling in the bit of the form, with help from me.<br />
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We left feeling that things might be improving for our boy. That things might actually be put in place to help him. From feeling lots of gloom and despair for his future, suddenly I can see that there may be a glimmer of hope. We wait to see what actually happens from these promises, but I can see a glimmer...nhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08579146100268312887noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4566785279148781067.post-5094858936402146622013-11-16T13:41:00.000-08:002013-11-16T14:36:20.654-08:00My plea to school...Talk about behaviour not the childThis week has been harder than it should have been, not by anyone's design, but just one of those things. One of the big discussions we had at school, was about how ineffective their behaviour policy is for our boy (in fact probably most children).<br>
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If a child misbehaves he is moved down the ladder (onto yellow?), if they are moved onto yellow too many times in a week, or onto red at all, they lose golden time on Friday.<br>
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In our house we are always careful to talk about the behaviour, not the child. We talk about how it was good that you did x, or how we are sad that you did y, or how doing z is silly (or giddy). We do not say things like you are naughty, or you are silly, or you are good because... we talk purely about behaviour. Because every 4 year old will do good and silly things, it does not mean that they are good or silly.<br>
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We strongly believe that we don't want to shame our children, it doesn't help them, it is only a release for us. Boy-o has enough to cope with, that to add to his self belief that he is 'bad' would be crippling long term. Just because it is how we were parented, does not make it right or helpful for any child. There is generally a reason for behaviour, and it is worth our time trying to work out why he has done something, so we can talk about understanding. This is still true when he is raging, it tells us is that he can't cope with the emotions that he is feeling and needs to get them out somehow, he needs calm and empathy. Sometimes I move him to a place he cannot hurt anyone, but I stay within sight and sound.<br>
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We tried to get this across to his teacher. Besides anything else, what is the point of telling him he will lose golden time, when he isn't at school on a friday afternoon, to lose this time anyway. We like the fact that we are told when he is on the Superstar board, but I dislike the fact that another child finds it ok to tell boyo, that he has to try not to go onto yellow that day. <div><br></div><div>I find it hard to believe that any 4 year old can choose to conform or not to conform. They can either conform and do what school think is necessary (sit quietly for registration) or they can't. And if they can't do what is necessary, is it necessary to shame the child and move him down and tell him he's naughty for not doing x, y or z... My boy doesn't choose to fidget, that is who he is, and I, his nursery teacher, the woman from pre 5 team all have suggested he needs something in his hands to occupy them. </div><div><br></div><div>I'm hoping that some good has come out of this week, it has been very draining for all of us, apart from perhaps Jelly...and even he notices when boyo is not himself. The fact that he reacted in a way to a sound, in a way that shocked school may have helped us...in the long term. I'm hoping that his teacher starts to listen to us! </div><div><br></div><div>And in the meanwhile...if you are a parent, educate yourself about shame based parenting and punishments, blame the behaviour, not the child. </div>nhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08579146100268312887noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4566785279148781067.post-36875393549230422832013-11-16T13:23:00.003-08:002013-11-16T13:23:51.108-08:00FridayFriday was always going to be difficult before the week got interesting! It was children in need - so Boy-o didn't have his uniform for school, and he had a hospital appointment and we had no-one who we could leave Jelly with!<br />
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Boy-o went to school, got himself wound up and worried, then we had to pick him up early and take him to the hospital. This made him worry and panic and stress... because he has been wobbly all week. The good news is, he did really well, and his right eye is now nearly working at normal level (through his glasses) and his left eye is improving.<br />
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After this, because although it had been a difficult week, we had all coped okay, we decided to go for our lunch. This was obviously one thing too much for the boy. We went somewhere we have been before, which was quiet - it's a child friendly place, and it was a cold Nov Friday. He really struggled with eating, as it is a diner style place, and the seat backs are high. He struggled with playing outside, on the lovely equipment they have. He just struggled.<br />
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We came home and had some playing time... not that boy-o can play anywhere near jelly this week. And the boys were in their pyjama's at 5.00 and in bed by 5.30. If only they slept through!nhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08579146100268312887noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4566785279148781067.post-73151693632392814662013-11-16T13:15:00.002-08:002013-11-16T13:15:59.586-08:00ThursdayOn Thursday, we had another bad start to the day. Boy-o plainly didn't want to go to school, and was creating difficulties to make sure we didn't get there on time... little does he know, that I allow for this in my planning of the mornings.<br />
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Thursday morning for me, was all about friends and conversations about living with a child who is different. It started in the playground, as one of my friends boys is having a tough time, and I left boy-o wobbly and not wanting to be there, and she left her boy in tears. We walked out together, knowing that we are both living through tough times, offering the other one help, but knowing that there is a limit to what we can do. She has however, applied for disability living allowance (DLA) for her younger son, and gave me some tips.<br />
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I had arranged for another friend to come and talk to me about DLA and whatever other advice she had to give. And there was plenty of useful information, but very hard to talk about our damaged children, who have other difficulties as well. She has been battling things for the past few years so had lots of tips to pass onto me.<br />
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When I picked boy-o up from school, the Senco caught me, and we had a brief chat. As I'd had my brain melted in the morning, I probably didn't make much sense, but she did say that boy-o's teacher had been to see her for some advice... finally! I do need to arrange a meeting with the Senco and chat more to her, the problems that we are having are not all adoption related.<br />
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I also squeezed in a phonecall to post adoption support - who are coming to see me next week!<br />
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It was another difficult afternoon, but we lived through it, and once the boys were asleep, M and I hatched a plan... and it feels better to have plan. But it does leave us with some decisions to make...about the house, about work, about schools, lots of thinking to do.nhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08579146100268312887noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4566785279148781067.post-39575492167856755972013-11-15T15:19:00.001-08:002013-11-15T15:19:17.478-08:00Wednesday...We all got up on Wednesday morning, feeling a little under the weather. I made the decision that it would be better for boy-o to go to school, rather than not, but agreed to talk when I got there, as he told me he was not leaving the classroom and his friends at all.<br />
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I warned the staff when we got to school, that he was 'not good' and not to push going to the room, and to try to think of alternatives to give him a break from the classroom. And it was taken seriously.<br />
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When I picked him up I was told he had been very jittery, and not his normal self. He virtually refused to go to singing in the hall. He did go with his 1 to 1 to the library and choose a book, and have some calmer time. But it obviously wasn't great.<br />
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I'd arranged the afternoon round him in some respects. Jelly went to bed when we got back from school (I'd love to say he'd had a long nap, but that would be a lie). Boy-o and I did some theraplay activities and played some silly games and got out his play dough. He had his dummy out for the entire afternoon. But even with my sister coming round with her son to play, we had a relatively calm afternoon. He only lost at right before tea time... always the danger time in our house. But knowing that he'd coped at school and for most of the afternoon, meant that I was able to be calm, and hug him close.<br />
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It was another difficult night. But he went to sleep with a smile on his face... which M and I regarded as a positive thing.nhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08579146100268312887noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4566785279148781067.post-70267812734970658812013-11-15T15:10:00.000-08:002013-11-15T15:10:09.034-08:00Tuesday...On Tuesday things felt okay... but my poor boy-o had a terrible morning, which has effected the rest of our week. The type of morning that I wish he didn't have, but usefully it happened at school...so following our meeting on Monday, he showed them on Tuesday that he doesn't react the same way that other children do.<br />
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But I'm getting ahead of myself... Tuesday morning, Jelly and I went to a toddler group, and had a lovely time. We also had a wasted trip to the doctors - again, 30mins of my life I will not get back, which wasn't what I needed after Monday morning. But Jelly had a lovely time at toddler group.<br />
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I had a phone call from our social worker to say she'd had a look at Jelly's life story book, and she completely saw where I was coming from. She spoke to Jelly's social worker and expressed her concerns... who still didn't get it, however she has agreed (with some pressure) to redo the life story book in a more appropriate manner.<br />
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However, I when I went to pick boy-o up from school, everything went downhill. I could tell it wasn't great when his 1 to 1 assistant snuck out of the dinner hall to speak to me, she normally waves and gives me thumbs up or thumbs down. One of our suggestions on Monday had been that he needed some time out of the busy classroom (60 children, 7 adults = too much), to give him chance to calm. This was implemented on Tues - but the room he went to is on the corridor that links reception to KS1. One of the school's autistic children was having a really bad day, and went onto this corridor and screamed and wailed. And boy-o could hear this noise, but not see what made it.<br />
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He froze... as in fight/flight/freeze. He went drip white and started shaking. And he's not done that at school before. It was all the teaching assistant could do, to get him out of the room and back into the classroom. I found out afterwards he was so bad, that his teacher picked him up and sat him on her knee (she is not a cuddly woman)!<br />
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But then at lunchtime, the autistic child did it again, and boy-o did it again. And even my friend who keeps her eye on him at lunchtime (as in it's her job) couldn't get him to come round. Eventually the class teaching assistant took him out of the dinning hall and sat with him, cuddling him.<br />
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I was told this when I picked him up, and I was happy with how it was dealt with. I am happy they tried to implement something that I felt was important. I am sad that the consequence was so awful for him. But been me, I wrote a lot in his home/school diary about adrenaline and cortisol and did some education about brain's.<br />
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But he couldn't stay still for the rest of the day... we went to his swimming lesson, because his teacher there gets him. Sadly there was a new child in the lesson, who didn't get to see him at his best, but he swam. We went to the park. We had an easy tea. We had a bath. He went to bed... and he didn't have night terrors (whoop, whoop, whoop) but he slept very lightly and very badly.nhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08579146100268312887noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4566785279148781067.post-77479325200920830842013-11-15T14:49:00.000-08:002013-11-15T14:49:08.220-08:00Monday... I'm tired this week. It's been difficult, hard, exhausting and emotional this week.<br />
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It started with Jelly's social worker came for a visit... this wasn't the one we'd meet previously, this was an earlier one who had returned from long time sick leave. She came very excited because she had brought us a life story book... and as is so often the case (around here anyhow) it was poor. It had a selection of photo's labelled helpful things like 'Your Mummy'... and not of me! It contained information, all gathered together, not written as a story, but a collection of facts. I showed her the one we have prepared for boy-o, she told me that she had done Jelly's and it was adequate and what was I complaining about. She refused to talk to me about it anymore... and would only talk to our social worker about it.<br />
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She also told me that she doesn't think that birth family will want to meet us, or do letterbox. She argued that there was no benefit for her or Jelly, just for M and I. I looked aghast and unbelieving that a child's social worker cannot see the benefit for the child in letterbox contact. I argued, and brought up all sorts of arguments about why it is in Jelly's benefit, but she wasn't having it.<br />
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Immediately this meeting finished, I got to go to a meeting at Boy-o's school, and have a hour with his teacher, discussing progress and where things are, and how we can make it better. I took M with me this time, and I think (ok I now know) we started to get somewhere. I took a huge long list of things to talk about, including ideas from primary school teacher friend and boy-o's paediatrician (can I say she is an amazing women). We talked about some ideas to make his time at school easier...some of which has been implemented. I feel confident that progress is been made, but we will see... I have the ear of the SENCo now as well.<br />
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I came home from this meeting to phone our social worker, and fill her in on my morning's meetings. This resulted in me having to take Jelly's life story book, Boy-o's life story book and Jelly's later life letter (don't ask) to her offices for her to have a look at. I then had to go to the local stationary shop to buy a pencil that I know boy-o can use, to take to school to say 'this is what you need to have', because I'd given the one we'd borrowed back to it's owner.<br />
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<br />nhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08579146100268312887noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4566785279148781067.post-43643215637807415152013-11-05T12:37:00.001-08:002013-11-05T13:16:01.932-08:00What adoption means to us...<div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;">
Adoption has impacted this family dramatically. Without adoption we would be a family of two...living a very different life. It's National Adoption Week 2013...the time of year when adoption is in the public eye with the hope of encouraging more people to adopt.</div>
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So what would I say to someone who was thinking of adoption?</div>
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Firstly, it is the best thing we have ever done, and no matter what complications it brings, it will always be the best thing we have done. Our boys bring meaning to our lives, they have an amazing zest for life, and such joy for the simplest of things.</div>
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But if you are considering adoption, you should research carefully exactly what it means. My boys are my boys, I am the woman that they call Mummy, but they each have another mother, who has had and will continue to have an impact on their lives. They each have siblings that they don't live with, some of whom they see, and some of whom they don't. They each have another father, alongside M who they call Daddy. They have another family...and we have to work on their understanding of them.</div>
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Our boys have a background that we are not party too. No matter how much information that you are given, there is some things you will never know... In Sept this year I was given a form from biggy's school, with questions on including...were there any difficulties during labour? Is there a family history of...? Along with several other questions which were unanswerable. Because I am stroppy, I gave a lot of 'I don't know, he is adopted' answers. There was also the time I was virtually accused of drinking whilst pregnant by a nurse at hospital (and no he hasn't got FAS)...and I had to explain again. As an adoptive parent I have to fight for my boys and develop a thick skin.</div>
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My big boy moved to us at 2 years old. He has clear memories of living at his foster carers. He was not too young to remember, as so many people told us at the time (we never believed this). This separation caused him trauma, and he struggles with separation from us. This has lead to him attending school part time with no sign of him been ready for more. The trauma has given him other issues...he needs to know where people are, and what that different sound is...we can tell when he is really unsettled because even normal everyday sounds become 'what's that?' noises. He comes home from school exhausted because he has been on alert and well behaved for the time he is there. He comes home exhausted and we often have rages because he has stored up all the anxiety whilst he was at school. As adoptive parents we have to understand where the big feelings come from and help him deal with them.</div>
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Developmentally my big boy is behind his peers. He needs considerable more help with things than his peers. Some of this is because he is physically unable to complete some tasks, getting dressed involved more manual dexterity than he has got. Some things are emotional needs...he sees me feeding his little brother, and needs to be feed himself. He cannot go to sleep my himself, someone needs to be in his room. He cannot walk alongside you, he needs to have a hand or a pushchair to hold onto...he is impulsive and has been known to run into the road. As an adoptive parent, I need to have time to work on skills, and give him the time he needs.</div>
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It's not an easy path, but if at the end of the day, our boys are happy and reach their potential, whatever that potential is, we will be happy. If you are considering adoption, think carefully, and if you think you can offer a child a home, do it....there really is nothing more rewarding. </div>
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nhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08579146100268312887noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4566785279148781067.post-60678984378707250032013-11-03T12:09:00.000-08:002013-11-03T12:11:15.092-08:00My boys...I did start writing a post last weekend for the #WASO theme of the future, however I got so despondent and upset that I gave up writing it. To be fair - it was following the week where I ended up in tears at boy-o's school at an evening event, partly because I as so fed up with his teacher, and partly because he isn't at the same level as his peers. Thankfully the teaching assistant is fantastic, and didn't laugh at me, but instead listened to my concerns.<br />
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However, this week feels in some respects better... a week of no school has improved many things...not least boy-o's sleep. We've only had a couple of nights with wake ups - and one of those was because he was struggling with his cold. It's not to say everything has been perfect and I am more than ready for him to go to school tomorrow... but generally a better than expected week.<br />
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So 10 and a bit weeks in, how are things with two boys....<br />
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Jelly is a delight mostly - we have had a few concerns and a paediatrician appointment, but generally things are going well. He looks to us for comfort.... when I left him at my mum's for an hour, he burst into tears when he realised I was going, and came and gave me a massive cuddle when I arrived back. He crawled into my lap when M's mum said 'no' to him. He is doing well - and as an aside, he adores his big brother - and boy-o will make him giggle by doing the most stupid of things.<br />
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Boy-o is also a delight and joy and we adore him. However, he is still really struggling...with his new normal - both full time school (ha) and a new brother.<br />
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He is still only doing half time school - and at the moment no-one appears to have a plan to change this (problem number 1). I have asked for a meeting with his teacher in the next couple of weeks to discuss how things are going... and what they are doing to help him. He has an IEP - which we haven't seen and signed. His teacher keeps telling me - 'others do this, and others do that' without offering any solutions to help him. Over the past couple of weeks I have had some serious conversations with my reception teacher friend and been given some guidance.. which needs to be a whole other post.<br />
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Boy-o loves Jelly. Jelly loves Boy-o and they are delight - but I can't leave them together because boy-o gets silly - so when I'm cooking tea I have one of them with me. Boy-o cannot play by himself.. he cannot choose something to play with and do so. He has to interfere with whatever anyone else is playing with. He needs more attention and more reassurance than ever before. He is argumentative for the sake of being argumentative...<br />
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IT IS HARD... I feel the need to shout that, because I can't get people to understand... and I'm not sure that I will get them to understand... thankfully our social worker does understand and is an amazing support. Thankfully I have some amazing friends who do understand. Thankfully the twitter community is alive and well and keeping me sane.<br />
<br />nhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08579146100268312887noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4566785279148781067.post-43752484626291620332013-10-21T04:40:00.001-07:002013-10-21T04:40:47.438-07:00Sorting things...So, on Friday, I had a conversation with a fellow adopter who said 'you need help' and I couldn't disagree...it's all a little hard at the minute. She also suggested that we look into disability living allowance for boyo, as he needs more support than others of his age...and this might enable me to work less hours next year, or simply as M put it, have a take away once a week, so it's less stress for us. After this weekend, something has to give, as we cannot carry on like this, so I have asked for help...<div><br></div><div>I spoke at length last night to my friend who is an experienced reception teacher. She said that if she had boyo in her class at school, she would be asking for help and guidance, because there is clearly something wrong. And she admitted that actually, it's lots of little things wrong, which makes it more complex. She has given me a list of things to raise with his teacher...and yes I am a qualified teacher, but I needed external input to help me feel confident that I was right in this on, not just seeing things that aren't there.</div><div><br></div><div>I spoke briefly this morning to a mate who is a paedriciation, whilst she doesn't know boyo as well as teacher friend, she has seen him around. She has suggested that we might need to get a psychologist to look at him. She also advised that DLA is getting harder to get, but she thinks we stand a chance.</div><div><br></div><div>I've spoken to post adoption support...who will send me an appointment for about 6 to 8 weeks time. She didn't think I sounded desperate enough for the duty SW, which is fine, because I then emailed our SW to let her know that I've started things moving and why...she is brilliant by the way, but I need a needs assessment for boyo and that's not her roll.</div><div><br></div><div>I've spoken to secretary of our present paedriciation, who is retiring (grrrrrr), who listened to me, and said the paedriciation will phone me back, so she can add extra info to covering letter for new paedriciation. </div><div><br></div><div>I've also asked the mums of several 4 year olds we know to have a look at a list, and tell me what things their child can do, so I can compare him for DLA form! </div><div><br></div><div>And overshadowing all this, we have an appointment for Jelly later in the week...to start ball rolling to see if he has the same genetic illness as one of his siblings!</div><div><br></div><div>Things aren't great at the moment, and I'm not looking for sympathy. These are my boys, and thus is what we have chosen...but I want someone with a magic wand to come along, wave it, and solve all our problems! </div><div><br></div>nhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08579146100268312887noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4566785279148781067.post-52813771425316704132013-10-19T14:36:00.001-07:002013-10-19T14:37:06.479-07:00A week survivedSo much to say...so little sleep...makes a very bad blogger! <div><br></div><div>This week has been a funny one, in many respects. It has included differing levels of emotions, as so many weeks do. Safe to say, I am now so tired, that managing the demands of the two boys is becoming very difficult.</div><div><br></div><div>I took boyo to Church with me last Sunday (as often happens) and we sat next to some friends of ours, who were at church because of church parade...the little girl sat and whispered to me, 'boyo got an achievement certificate in Friday, but in wasn't in assembly' which was lovely news, and something boyo got to tell M when we got home. On Mon we found out, it was because he did some good number work! </div><div><br></div><div>Earlier this week it was the wave of light in remembrance of all those babies that didn't make it. I sat and had a quiet reflection on all those children of ours, who aren't. And yet, if we had any of those children, I wouldn't have the amazing two boys that we do have, who are so meant to be with us. Life doesn't throw at us more than we can't deal with, although in the dark it's hard to remember, </div><div><br></div><div>I was also contacted this week by our agency, wanting me/us to be an adoption champion. I agreed that I would share our story, our hopes, dreams and aspirations. I also agreed that I would think about appearing on the radio during national adoption week! I might regret that, but we'll see what happens.</div><div><br></div><div>I also went to the adoption toddler group this week...and sat listening to all these wonderful things that a selection of first time adopters were saying, and how marvellous they are finding everything! And then I spoke to someone who has adopted a second time, and she asked me how things are...I nearly ended up in tears, because it is so hard, and right now, it's not particularly getting easier, just that I am getting more used to it. We had an interesting conversation, that I will return to in due course. </div><div><br></div><div>So there we are, highlights and lowlights of another week...</div>nhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08579146100268312887noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4566785279148781067.post-42868402805735822472013-10-11T13:33:00.000-07:002013-10-11T13:33:10.589-07:00Life and LossOnce again I've written a lot of posts in my head in the past month... but somehow they have not made it here. But I am determined to start writing again... partly to clear my head, and partly to record what is happening, so that I can look back and say things have improved.<br />
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And I think that's where I should start...things have improved. In the day to day living it's still hard, but it is improving. It's not easy, but no-one said it would be... but it's getting more normal.<br />
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This weeks #WASO optional theme is LOSS, which seems to be a good place to start... at the moment we are all in this house suffering with loss.<br />
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M & I are suffering with the loss of sleep... which is pretty insignificant compared to my boys. It's also the time of year, when my head turns to all the loss that we lived through and grieved in our journey to this point. The pregnancy that I got furtherest through, would have been due round about now... we could have a 6 year old or two running around. I don't mourn that alternative life, because without that, we couldn't be here, but I do have to reflect on the fact that we started this journey of adoption from a place of loss.<br />
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My boys have both suffered loss.. huge overwhelming loss... from the time that a judge decided that their birth families couldn't parent them, their lives have been about loss and we are presently living with the effects of that loss.<br />
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Adoption is surrounded by loss.... our loss of dreams, my boys loss of birth family and their history, birth family loss. And this isn't a quick healed loss... I never, ever, ever adovate that old saying 'time heals everything' because it doesn't... time gives us the tools to cope with whatever life brings, but it doesn't heal, the wounds are there, and be can opened at any moment.<br />
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In the immediacy my Jelly is grieving the loss of his foster family, even though he is tiny and seems to be doing okay. He is very independent and doesn't NEED us, which is something that we are doing a lot of work on. To be fair to him, he does now seek me out when he wants something, so he is starting to need us. He has lost the contact with his foster family and his birth family... and it all happened close together. He's too little to know what those loses will cause, and we hope for the best, and prepare for the hard work!<br />
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Boyo is also grieving at the minute, which is making his life very hard. Going through the intros for Jelly stirred up a whole pile of emotions for him, which he has struggled to verbalise, but has shown us through his behaviour. He repeatedly tells me when I collect him from school (at dinnertime still) that he has missed me and not seen me for ages, which is as close as I am going to get to an admission that he is worried I won't collect him.<br />
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Boyo is insecure and suffers with separation anxiety. Not been with us is incredibly hard for him, and when he isn't with us, he is always more aware... this is why school is such a challenge for him... it's very hard to know where 59 other children and 7 or 8 adults are at all times. As much as we have been able to piece together with him, for him, he is convinced he will loose us too, and therefore wants to be with us... and needs us to feel safe. We spend a lot of time talking about who is safe and can be trusted... childminder, teacher, his support assistant... in the hopes that the repeating the message will ease some of the anxiety and help him relax more.<br />
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The effects of loss on adoption children is not well understood. As adoptive parents through, we live with those effects. Each day an adventure, and a puzzle to solve.<br />
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<br />nhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08579146100268312887noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4566785279148781067.post-87106339859863713672013-09-20T13:44:00.001-07:002013-09-20T13:44:51.890-07:00Life Stories...Today we had a visit from a representative of After Adoption Yorkshire...it was something our social worker had set up for us, and we thought would be worthwhile to take the opportunity. The boys are cousins but it is more complex than that, and at some point in the future we will may well need additional help to help them understand their stories. There is money put aside for this in future.<br />
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She came and she was lovely. And we talked for 2 hours. About all sorts of things. She collected information for later sessions... what siblings there are, and where they presently are. This may not be the case in future.<br />
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We talked about the complexities of the boys relationship, and we explained how we thought we were going to deal with it. She agreed that we seemed to have understood it well, and our plan seemed very reasonable. She also agreed that it might be a long time before the boys actually need to hear the whole story.<br />
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One of our concerns is that boy-o may need to hear it before jelly is ready. But she did say, not to worry about that, that the time will come when it's nature to tell them. We have a story to tell them which will need expanding upon as they get older, and can understand more.<br />
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We did talk about how we are coping, how the boys are coping and various other things. She said we seemed to have a good understanding of the boy's needs.<br />
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We agreed that things are okay at the moment, she will email me a reading list, with some useful books on. And we can ask for more sessions whenever we feel the need for them. We don't have to wait until we want input for the boys. If we have questions, or need advice we can ask at any point.<br />
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So we were reassured, and confident that when we need the help, it will be there.nhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08579146100268312887noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4566785279148781067.post-8724699071425677782013-09-13T06:11:00.000-07:002013-09-13T06:11:39.793-07:00So where were we...It's two weeks since I last posted, which is nothing when things are going well, but I usually post a lot more frequently when things are going pear shaped. And they have been very pear shaped! But right now, Boy-o is sitting on the sofa next to me, relaxing and having some calm time, whilst watching CBeebies, and Jelly is upstairs in his cot, having a nap. It's taken this long for me to be able to sit and type... and even now, I'm getting, what are you doing, why, just noise been generated.<div>
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Jelly has a cold, and is miserable with it. We are on the death throes of it hopefully, he seems brighter today. We have been bonding and attaching, he's been in his sling and carried lots. He is a happy thing, who plays well, and is just busy. The cold has caused some problems as he hasn't been sleeping. But the benefit of sitting up all hours giving him cuddles in terms of attachment are amazing. </div>
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He and I went to the adoption playgroup this morning, and one of the social workers who did our prep course first time round was there. She knew we'd adopted again, but was really pleased to see him. I had him in the sling, and she commented on it - I pointed out it's easier than getting the pushchair our of my chair, and it's good for him to be carried. </div>
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Boy-o is feeling more secure and settled... but isn't right yet. We can see from his behaviour that he is still struggling. He was very happy on his half days at school, so I spoke to his teacher about him doing full days this week, like everyone else. He managed Monday really well, but didn't sleep well Monday night (he's not the only one in his class that didn't), but come Tuesday lunch time, I had a telephone call to say, 'you need to come and get him, he's distraught and just wants you', so I went to pick him up and we spent the afternoon doing calming activities. </div>
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(He's just decided to see how close he can sit to me! Typing with one hand now)</div>
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In collaboration with his teacher and TA, we've decided to keep him part time for the moment. We have a meeting next week with his teacher, and will discuss how to proceed from from here. I can quite see we won't be full time until Christmas, which is fine, as I am not at work, and he needs the security of been with me, at the moment. However, I am now having to balance, I can't do what I planned as I have boy-o in the afternoon... and it's difficult to find things that both boys are happy to do, without me having to help them both. </div>
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Successes have been a walk in the woods, as I carried Jelly, whilst Boy-o ran and threw sticks and added to dens that have been made. It is a lovely place to go. Going to a park is also good for Boy-o but not as good for Jelly, as he does want to get out of his pushchair and play... and I can't look after him and help Boy-o at the same time. Less successful was yesterday's suggestion by me, that we needed to go and get Boy-o some new trainers. This resulted in a huge strop including a massive nosebleed. </div>
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We are still trying to do theraplay activities with boy-o most days. Some days it works better than others. But M and I can both see the benefit of it for boy-o. I have started some life story work, but that is a blog post all of it's own.</div>
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M & I are doing okay, and everyday it gets easier, so we will continue to be okay. </div>
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nhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08579146100268312887noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4566785279148781067.post-49288611942746995272013-08-30T13:45:00.000-07:002013-08-30T13:45:31.146-07:00Ooops... it's all a little difficult here... We knew it would be difficult. We knew we would have problems. And yet...when our social worker forgot about us on Wed (she is on annual leave this week) I had a crisis feeling. Had text conversation with her, and said we were okay - not easy but okay, and then on Thurs things imploded and I sent a text just after lunch to say 'please come this evening' which she said she could do.<br />
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It was the adults who were struggling with how to deal with behaviour. Boyo is very caring and always has been, and as such he is in Jelly's face a lot. He wants to help, but isn't showing it in the best way. He is constantly doing things that we are asking him not to, such as holding onto Jelly, and taking his cuddly off him and countless other things. He wants to show how much he cares.<br />
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But he is also very excited and is spending his whole time showing off. And because he's the way he is, he is also been very vigilant - because his world has changed, and he needs to find his new place in this new order.<br />
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We have been reassuring him, we have let him regress as he wants, he is been fed, he is having a bottle of milk at bedtime, we have tried all our usual tricks, ignoring the bad and praising the good, rewards, bribery and threats of early nights. Nothing was having any effect, as soon as you praised him, he stopped doing what he was been praised for. Ignoring the behaviour just escalated it. Sitting him with us on the sofa has given us both bruises. I think my low point was when I carried him upstairs, put him on his bed, and sat in his chair, refusing to engage until he calmed down... I had teddies thrown at me for that one, and there are a lot of teddies on his bed.<br />
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So we reached out... and asked for help, because we could not calm him. There was nothing that we could do, that would help him, and we wanted to help him, no needed to help him.<br />
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We talked things through. We explained that we felt WE were getting into a negative cycle. And that, is what was bothering us most, we are usually good at stopping that negative cycle, but we couldn't find a way forward.<br />
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It felt better to hear that it was normal. That virtually every older child struggles when a new child arrives, no matter how they arrive. That we were doing okay, it's not a disaster.<br />
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She agreed that we were doing the right thing going out for part of each day. That we were right about gradually starting to introduce people to Jelly, because Boy-o needs normality. That we could separate them if it was easier... it was okay that they didn't spend every minute together. I'd been resisting separating them, on the grounds they need to get used to each other, but she pointed out that they are spending time together, and that they don't have to spend every waking minute together.<br />
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And she gave us some ideas. Initially to start theraplay activities again - and if we were struggling with it, she's happy to give up some time to come and help us with it. And then some ideas to work on both his life story and Jelly's... to help him understand better his story and his place in the world. She has given us some super ideas, which I will probably blog about, once we've had a chance to do some of them. I've also ordered some more books...<br />
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So I went to bed last night calmer, and woke up feeling more refreshed. And today has been a better day - and when Jelly had his nap, I got out my mysterious box that Boy-o noticed first thing this morning, which I'd loaded with some things for theraplay activities last night. And we managed a 20 minute session with theraplay activities, and followed it up with some general silly playing. I gave him the total time that we had available, and when M came home from work before Jelly had finished his nap (M is working part time for at least another week yet), we planned our afternoon... divide and conquer.<br />
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And it worked, the boys went to bed much calmer, because things had been calmer. They both went early, as neither is sleeping especially well, but they have slept so far tonight.<br />
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So I'm hoping that we can continue to be calm, and do theraplay work. I'll start the life story work soon, when I've had time to get my head round it a bit!nhhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08579146100268312887noreply@blogger.com4