Tired Mummy....

I don't think I've ever felt this tired after a holiday before. I've lots to blog about, but very little enthusiasm... which is a little like what I said about exercise earlier on today!

Holiday was great and horrific. Not even in equal measure. To the people at work who've asked and said 'you'll have had a lovely time' I've just nodded and said yes. It was lovely. It was. But I was so relieved when I was talking to an adoptive mum last night and I said we'd gone away and she says 'how are you, how bad was it?' I'm so blessed to have people who get it in my life.

We had a wonderful time, we went to the beach and built sandcastles, and went in the sea. We went to an amazing adventure playground, which boy-o loved. We saw my Great Aunt and Uncle - boy-o even managed to get to sit on their tractor. I was still in shock that 5+ years after last visiting them we managed to find their somewhat obscure street (in the middle of no-where 5 miles to here, 4 miles to there). We did walks, we did playing, and we did no sleeping, regression in behaviour and high levels of stress and anxiety!

We know he would find it hard - why wouldn't he, somewhere strange? What sort of questions does it rise in his head?

And to back it worse, we came home on Saturday and spent all day Sunday either at Church or at friend's house as her youngest was baptised. And no pre-school this week. No return to routine. Can you guess how this week is going. We went to same friend's for eat up lunch on Monday, and she commented, he's not settled at the minute - and I just laughed. Luckily she is a friend that gets it - and works with small children.

M and I are trying some new ideas. Some things that seem to be working. Some that don't. Tonight's tantrum was superb.... I needed to leave at 6.15 to get were I was going on time.... we started to get him ready for bed about 5.50, so all M had to do was give him some milk and supper. I left at 6.40... after 30 mins of listening to boy-o scream. We did get him to calm down before I left... I was late. Who cares?

We will get there, or not and we will readjust our expectations.

Excited and nervous...

I'm heading into the next week with some worries...

We are taking boy-o away, last year we went to stay with my parents, but we are going to stay in a chalet this year. It'll be interesting to see how he takes it. I keep selling the idea of the seaside, and the beach, and sand... the boy loves sand.

I'm not taking my computer! I am taking my phone, but no Internet access means no point taking my computer. I may use mobile Internet on occasion to check email etc, but no real Internet for a week... disconnected or what!

See you on the other side of our holiday!

Family Fun

A bad, bad morning, because M needed some new t-shirts so we had to go shopping, the boy-o was not happy. We had a lot of 'no want to' and 'no shopping, play'; and when I offered that he could go to bed instead, he said 'go to bed' (bother) I started to walk him upstairs, at which point he said...'no, go shopping'. However, it was the quickest trip we could make.

I'd intended to give him a small nap (which he has mostly grown out of) but we were up late this morning, we didn't actually have time before the park. We had lunch, then set off to the park early; mostly because I wanted to find the ducks to feed; with the going out of date bread (wouldn't normally bother me, but it was going mouldy).

We wandered around the park, and eventually went to the play area where we had arranged to meet. And other people came - mostly people that we know from the play-and-stay but other people came. We had a lovely couple of hours playing... the big kids and some dads went to play cricket; the littlies played in the sand, on the slide, and on the swings. We had ice-creams. We played with footballs and tennis balls. And we talked; and shared our subtly different parenting issues.

I can't tell you other people's stories, but there were some told. One couple who came are in the middle of their second introductions. Others have issues with schools - terrifyingly horrid issues, others have family issues. It was good to share. I was able to admit to my concerns about boy-o going to nursery school in Sept and whether he will be ready. I also mentioned that I spoke to my boy's brother's mother earlier in the week - that's not something you can readily do with other mummy friends!

We enjoyed ourselves, we talked about future plans - because parks are fine for summer, but not so good in winter. We talked about what people wanted. We gathered as parents of 'different' children and talked about where we are; and listened. It is something that is needed, both for us as parents and for the older children who don't meet other adopted children very often.

We had issues because boy-o was tired and hot. But others understood; because they get that emotionally he's not the same age as he appears. Issues as in, I will tantrum and roar and lay on the floor and cry unless you change your mind and let me do what I want! He's 3, acts as a 2 year old and looks like a 4 year old - I'm getting used to funny looks, however today there were no funny looks, just a bit of sympathy.

Other people enjoyed it and have said they will come next time - and hopefully this is the start of something that we need and will continue.

Old problem revisited.

So after an ill week last week, with boy-o been with either myself or M all week; today he went back to the childminders.

There were tears this morning before he was dropped off. There were tears when he was picked up - and 2 1/2 hours into tonights sleep, there has been shaking and screaming already. Ever think I shouldn't have gone back to work.

I can explain it, I can understand it, but I can't help him. I wish I could. I'm thinking of ordering a photo-pillow case, so that he has our image with him at all night.

I wish that I could reassure him, that although we have to leave him, we will always come back. He is with us for good... Last night I read our 'Owl Babies' book - with the key message, Mummys always come back. Tonight we had 'We belong together'. And he knows - but I come back again to the 'does he understand what it means?'

Nothing more we can do for the moment, except give him what he needs, reassurance!

Ill boy...

What a week...
Boy-o has been ill and properly so since last Sunday! It's taken until today for him to be able to stay awake for more than an hour at a time. This is the first time he's been properly ill since he came to us 14 months ago - so it had to happen sometime.

Last Sunday we went for a walk with our friends, 4 adults, 2 children, 2 dogs... it's the right ratio trust me. Boy-o had been a bit off in the morning, but we thought he'd be okay - and actually he was for most of the walk, then suddenly he went flat - M carried him for the last bit. We went to friends house for cake - which initially boy-o didn't want - should have been a clue. He did have some of my cake in the end.

We left them, and came home. Got in, sat on sofa at which he was promptly sick all over me. I love vomit... it makes me gag. We cleaned him up - gave him toast for tea, and put him to bed and thought nothing of it, as we thought tiredness and our old friend car sickness had come to visit.

When he woke up on Monday, he had a raging temperature which I struggled to get down for any length of time, all day Monday. He was less active than normal, but did start off trying to play as normal. However it was clear as the day went on that he wasn't well. Tuesday, he went to the Dr, who said he has a virus (we'd figured that out) but nothing serious. He spent Tues, Wed and Thurs sitting on our laps, cuddling and sleeping. He'd wake up for about 30mins, then drift off back to sleep. I spent most of Tues afternoon catching vomit on my hands - lovely not. On Thurs we managed an hour awake, and finally starting to eat again. Today - Friday - he managed a more normal day - although we spent some time cuddling and sitting, he did manage to walk for about 20mins on the moor.

I am glad he is getting better - this week he has worried us. But it has been wonderful to sit and cuddle and be able to look after him - building stronger attachments is good, but I wouldn't want him ill for anything. My poor, poor boy. I'm hoping tomorrow that he'll be back to 90%, and that come Monday we'll be back fitting fit.

in the planning...

This week looks like it could be a little busy; today has been! Not that I mind - it's all good stuff or work!

I'm very excited about two things... one is a little project that I am in the process of setting up - sorting out the finer details. The other thing, my parents are moving from where they presently live 7 hours away to somewhere that I can walk to in about 30mins! I'm very excited and happy about both these things....

My little project - except it's not mine, it's a joint venture, is the setting up of a weekend group for adoptive children and their parents. I had a meeting today with another adoptive mum (who I admire no end) and we talked possibilities; and by the end of the hour we realised that we were both very passionate about similar things. We'd also planned the first 3 meet ups! It's a trial, it needs more work, but for the moment we have somewhere to start!

We both have jobs to do to organise it; we both have roles to play in this happening. But it is something that I need and my boy needs so much, that I am convinced that I will find time to squeeze it in. After all - I'm not getting much sleep at the minute anyway!

That's it for now - I still have lessons to plan for this week. I still have a million things on my to-do like; I may have added more today; but it feels good to have a plan!

adoption support thoughts....

There are so many partially written blog posts - so much that I planned on sharing; parties, night terrors, Easter, hope, days out, potty training - but they haven't been finished and they may never be. I need to get back to this properly as the outlet for my head - this thought occurred to me at 3 o'clock this morning when I was awake again as I have been more often than not this week, not because boy-o is waking but because my head is whirring.

I am incredibly grateful that the LA that we adopted through recognises the support that adopters need and provides an outlet for it. Before I went back to work boy-o and I regularly went to the adoption playgroup; sadly it's on a day that I work, but they do hold them through school holidays, so this past week we went. And there are many things that I love about that group of parents.

Today that support continued because we went to the birthday party of a little boy that we know - who belongs to that group and I spent a long time talking to another adoptive mother who was there. Who understood why I blanched when someone said 'boy-o is really good, he doesn't cry when he falls over' - no because he spends his life falling over - which isn't normal, however to be fair is probably to do with his size than he is adopted. We talked about the night terrors and the fact it means that there is something deep sited in his head that we need to get to grips with; it's not one of those things. We commiserated about the people who say 'he'll be okay' because it's possible - that they won't.

I can't explain how much I value the support those adoptive parents give me, and how much I feel I am able to give them. It is a sharing experience - and as I commented to M on the way home - at the moment we haven't got much experience yet but it will come. And before any tells me off for borrowing trouble I shall repeat an important adoption related fact often quoted in UK adoption circles 1/3 of adoptive placements will have some problems, 1/3 will have significant problems, 1/3 will have severe problems. There must be some adoptive families who sail through will no problems, but they are so small in number that they aren't included in the figures. I hope and pray we land in the 1/3 with some problems.

Why am I turning this over in my mind... because it was suggested at the adoption playgroup on Fri that perhaps we should have a regular weekend meeting where we can get together and share and families can get to know each other even after the children are at school. I feel called to do something about this; it feels massively important to me - and so I shall continue to dwell.