Thursday, 21 February 2013

primal responses

I love my boy dearly, he is amazing and it still gives me a thrill every time I remember I am his mother. His thrill with the world and wonder in what he sees is contagious.

And yet...

If you look under all that amazement and joy and caring; there is a terrified little boy who doesn't let himself fully believe in the good. We try hard to remember, but others don't see it, they are of the 'now he's adopted, it's all okay' opinion - along with 'he was so young, he won't remember'.

Except what they don't see, is that response which is primal... something is different, something is changing, what is going to happen....flight, fight or freeze.

On Monday, we went to my in-laws for a while... and boy-o was playing with his granddad  And his granddad started to tease him, that Father Christmas lives in their box room.

And boy-o burst into tears, came storming into the lounge and wouldn't leave mine or his dad's side for the rest of the time we were there.

'but it was only a joke' 'come on boy-o, I was only teasing'

We calmed him down, he stopped crying. 'You are safe, mummy and daddy are here, our job is to keep you safe, nothing bad will happen, we are here'

'it'll be okay, no harm done'

To which I have to admit I snapped 'except the screaming that will occur tonight, the terrors that will come'

'no, no, that won't happen'

Even M said at that point 'it will'

'no, you're over reacting' 'you make too much out of the fact he's adopted' 'he's okay now'

I did feel like phoning them up every time he woke up screaming that night, to say
'yes, he's ok, this is normal isn't it?'

I didn't. But I wish I could have done.

I wish I could get them to see that little boy that is terrified of 'different', because if I can't get them to see - what chance to I have of getting others to see.


Vicki Theboysbehaviour said...

It's so bloody hard getting them to understand isn't it!
We battle with this regularly. My in-laws read my blog, friends and family too, yet not all of them understand or even attempt to, and label me paranoid.

No words of wisdom, but know you're not alone xx

Vicki Theboysbehaviour said...

Thanks too for linking up to the Weekly Adoption Shout Out x

Mumdrah x said...

This leaves me in tears. People around us can listen, can read our logs and even witness glimpses of it, but they don't really get the depths to which it goes, the impact and ramifications, nor how exhausting it is ni constantly have to mop up the pain.

Thank you for writing this so beautifully. Thank you. Mx

Nic said...

I've never pretended to understand what is normal for you, M & Boy-o, after all what is normal?!?
However, since my mum died there have been moments when all I want is that first comfort I knew as a child. The security, safety, complete faith & trust that for me came from my parents.
My foundations have been rocked, I've begun to doubt my judgement, who I am & what is right/wrong and importantly who to trust.
This is me as a thirty five year old struggling to deal with a sudden change in environment, one I can understand, evaluate & rationalise. What I'm trying to say in my usual 'far too many words that probably come out wrong' way, is that for the first time I think I have the teeniest, tiniest glimmer of the fear that Boy-o may feel & it makes me what to hug him & you ten times harder than normal. I think you are an amazing mum & part of an amazing family

Sarah Hill said...

Again I have similar problems with one set of grandparents and it has been frustrating at times. I know I constantly seem to some an over anxious mum far too absorbed in the needs of her children. But I don't care because I know I'm not. Keep strong and thanks for joining in the Weekly Adoption Shout Out.