primal responses

I love my boy dearly, he is amazing and it still gives me a thrill every time I remember I am his mother. His thrill with the world and wonder in what he sees is contagious.

And yet...

If you look under all that amazement and joy and caring; there is a terrified little boy who doesn't let himself fully believe in the good. We try hard to remember, but others don't see it, they are of the 'now he's adopted, it's all okay' opinion - along with 'he was so young, he won't remember'.

Except what they don't see, is that response which is primal... something is different, something is changing, what is going to happen....flight, fight or freeze.

On Monday, we went to my in-laws for a while... and boy-o was playing with his granddad  And his granddad started to tease him, that Father Christmas lives in their box room.

And boy-o burst into tears, came storming into the lounge and wouldn't leave mine or his dad's side for the rest of the time we were there.

'but it was only a joke' 'come on boy-o, I was only teasing'

We calmed him down, he stopped crying. 'You are safe, mummy and daddy are here, our job is to keep you safe, nothing bad will happen, we are here'

'it'll be okay, no harm done'

To which I have to admit I snapped 'except the screaming that will occur tonight, the terrors that will come'

'no, no, that won't happen'

Even M said at that point 'it will'

'no, you're over reacting' 'you make too much out of the fact he's adopted' 'he's okay now'

I did feel like phoning them up every time he woke up screaming that night, to say
'yes, he's ok, this is normal isn't it?'

I didn't. But I wish I could have done.

I wish I could get them to see that little boy that is terrified of 'different', because if I can't get them to see - what chance to I have of getting others to see.