Life is...

Such fine plans... as usual interrupted by life. I am just about keeping up with commenting for ICLW - just need to do an extra days worth today! I have however got 292 posts in my reader to read... sorry if some of those are yours!

Life is trundling on. We've had a visit from the health visitor this week. She has obviously gone away and done some research about adopted children and attachment issues. When she came for boy-o's review meeting she was very keen that we should do this or that. She backed off totally this time, the most controversial thing that she suggested was getting rid of his nap time dummy in a couple of months - to which I responded, 'yes if he's ready'. No comments about time out, the fact he's still in a cot, about potty training! It was a good meeting.

Our social worker came yesterday. She is really pleased and very happy. We didn't have much to talk about, for me it's just knowing that someone will appear and check up on us every couple of weeks. We can now get the paperwork sorted and apply to court to adopt - he's been here 10weeks which is the minimum time. She said that social services would like us to wait until after the next review meeting - which I have no problem with. I said we were going to wait until we got all the paperwork we should have from boy-o's social worker - she thought that was really sensible.

This morning we have been to a parent and toddler group for the second time. It was good that I recognised some faces from when we went before (a fortnight ago). And some of the mums actually spoke to me. One grandmother was there and was very interested in the fact that we are adopting boy-o. I spent quite a bit of time talking to her, and as she goes regularly - it's someone that I will be able to talk to ago!

That's what I am finding hard - going to toddler groups and seeing all these mums in their little groups - obviously knowing each other. So that really should be my next challenge - to have a proper conversation with someone that I don't already know at a group! The groups that we go to on Fridays are different - the one at Church is run by my mates and I know a couple of other people there. The alternative one that we go to is one put on by the adoption agency - and all the children are adopted - so the conservations start easier and flow more as you have less to explain!

I'm starting to find a new routine, patterns to life and what we do! It's all starting to feel more normal!

Lucky? Saved?

Myth: People adopt to “save a child.”
I have a personal hate in all this adoption malarkey. The amounts of time we have been told 'what a lucky boy boy-o is'. He isn't lucky, and we haven't saved him!

He isn't lucky, if he was lucky he would have been born to a birth mother who was able to care and love him. If he was lucky, he would be with his birth family, getting to know them, getting to understand their ways. If he was lucky he wouldn't have been removed at birth.

We are not saving him, we haven't rescued him. He was happy in his life in foster care; and I know enough about his foster carers that they would have altered the type of fostering they were doing and would have kept him as a long term foster child if adoptive parents hadn't been found for him. He would have been loved and looked after, even if we hadn't adopted him.

We did not rescue him, decisions were taken about him before he was ever born by a large number of people, not including us. And those decisions were not taken lightly. No-one thinks that removing children from their birth families is actually the best thing. Adoption is never plan A for a looked after child - that's why there are so many damaged children in the care system.

We came to adoption after much heart ache and sorry and grieving. It is (as I've said before) the right thing for us. We didn't do it to save a child, we did it to complete our family. We did do it to have a child - we haven't saved him, he has saved us. He is not lucky, we are, to have such an amazing person enter our lives.

It's National Infertility Awareness Week (in the USA). Resolve have challenged bloggers to bust myths about infertility. There were many I could have chosen about infertility - but I wanted to talk about adoption - and my little pet peeve.

I possibly need to restate what I've said before - adoption is different in the UK. He wasn't given up as a baby, he was removed by social workers, and that decision was made by a whole team of people, who looked at his birth mother, her circumstances and how she had managed previously with her other children. The closest thing to compare with is foster to adopt, however, we although he is technically a looked after child still, we are not fostering him, there is no chance that he will return to his birth family. In about 4/5 months time we will go to court and have it officially confirmed, that he is our child.

For more information about infertility and it's effects - click here
For more information about National Infertility Awareness Week - click here

I'm sitting here reflecting on the last six weeks, in actual fact the last eight weeks. I'm writing this as boy-o is sitting eating his lunch. I've given him lots of finger food today - cucumber and carrot sticks, chicken bits, bread sticks, grapes and apple. He seems to be eating most of it, although the carrot isn't going down very well - that's because he's lazy!

I started a post two weeks ago, when he turned two and 1 month... just to list his amazing accomplishments - sadly I didn't manage to finish it. He has developed lots since we have known him. He's gone from having about 20 words to having nearer 50. Yesterday he told the dog to 'sit' - or near enough that we knew what he meant. He also has developed some two word sentences - we quite often get told to 'sit ere' with appropriate pointing. Some of his pronunciation needs to catch up with what he thinks he can do, but he knows how to communicate what he wants clearly enough.

His walking has come on dramatically. When he first came home he was unsteady; but because we like to walk, and we've only got him (not plus another toddler and a baby), he has been walking with us. We take Pepper dog for a walk most days, and although he can't manage the whole walk, and rides on his Daddy's shoulders for some of it, he is walking more and more.

The night terrors are no longer a nightly occurrence. We've had some nights where he has slept all the way through without a wake up, and some nights when he's just been a little disturbed. He does still wake up screaming and shaking some nights, but usually when we have done something different. M and I discuss who is going to go to him when he wakes about 10ish, because we both love sitting and holding him, and comforting him. We never dreamt that the chair that we put in his room would get the use that it is.

He knows that we are Mummy and Daddy. He looks to us for comfort and security. He is happy to be with people that he is starting to get to know, but will still look back and check where we are. When entering a room with people that he doesn't know - he likes to be held by one of us, or alternatively will hide behind our legs.

He has had some proper two year old tantrums. 'I want to do this, but you won't let me'. Unfortunately for us, his cry is no different to any other time. We stick to our guns, no you can't have that, but generally I will sit and cuddle him, and comfort him. 'I know you are cross because we won't let you do... but we can't because...' or 'I'm sorry that you feel so cross and sad about...'. Empathy, empathy, empathy - for everything in this house.

We continue to make mistakes, back up, have a think and re-evaluate. M and I were saying only yesterday that we still have time to sort these problems out. The last eight weeks has been unbelievable hard on all of us, but M and I expected that. It's also brought us more joy and delight than we can possibly explain.

Does it take the pain of IF away? How can it, those lessons are deeply ingrained on my heart. But my heart is big and growing each day - I can be happy and sad. I can still feel the pain and regret that there are things I will never experience, see and have. But the process of getting to know boy-o isn't second best, it isn't a replacement, it's just a joy and a delight of it's very own. I know that we made the right decision for us - stopping treatments, before we were permanently broken and pursuing adoption. I know that boy-o is the child that was destined for us; we are so incredibly lucky and blessed - and I shall forever have that blessing.

Thank you for all your comments on my last post, I feel like things have improved over this week. Although we had an hour awake last night, it was mostly between 10 & 11 o'clock, so although I went to sleep late, at least my night wasn't very disturbed. We keep on hugging the boy, and telling him that it's okay. And we'll continue like this.

I am feeling better than I was earlier in the week as well.... although I fully expect it to unravel again. I was helped by having my Social worker validate how I was feeling, trapped and isolated. How when she had her first child she spent 6 months working towards getting her life back. And whilst I don't feel that I am missing my previous life too much at the moment; it was good to hear. She also asked how I felt about boy-o's social worker and could I talk to her, when I pulled a face, she arranged another visit next week. She spent about 45mins talking to me and playing with boy-o.

I got a text from a follow adoptive mum, someone that we met on our preparation course. She'd told me that the second day that her DH went back to work she was in tears. That made me feel better, because although I hadn't cried, I was wondering whether I could actually cope.

I had a visit from a friend on Thursday morning. We were out when she came, so she walked to meet us. We then took boy-o to the park and played on the swings and the slide. We then finally came home, and played outside in the back garden. All this meant that boy-o was relaxed by the time she left. She also has lots of experience of young boys, and therefore was able to say - 'it's okay, don't you remember when...'

I've felt like I've coped better these past couple of days.... I really do. It might have helped M had done a couple of late nights so that I could get more sleep. It's the weekend now, we are both here for the next two days. We'll see how we do next week.

So much for updating daily... totally failed! However I endured the wait for the first visit, and boy-o, M and his foster parents arrived. We spent an hour playing and looking over the house, and then back to the fosterers for lunch and a nap. Boy-o was a little unsure about our dog, infact on first meeting he screamed!

The following day we went and picked up boy-o and his foster mum mid morning, and brought them back to our house. We played a bit, fed him lunch, put him to bed for a nap (and held our breaths). He went down with only one re-visit, but there really was a lot of breath holding and sitting on the edge of seats. When we were all convinced he'd gone, M took foster mum home! When boy-o woke up we walked the dog, played, had tea and gave him a bath, all before taking him back to foster carers.

The next day the foster carers had a party for him, so that their family and friends could say goodbye to him. We have photos - they had a good time. And as it's his birthday this coming week - he got presents.

Yesterday we went to pick him up in the morning, and spent the day at our house. Again we got him ready for bed before taking him back to his foster carers... then today we picked him up for the last time, he's asleep upstairs in his cot right now (it's 7.45pm)!

His foster carers gave us a pile of things yesterday, we have his memory box with all sorts of firsts in it; both from them, his previous foster carers and his birth family. There are all his first birthday cards in there... we will have to get another box to put his adoption cards and his second birthday cards in. I spent time yesterday evening, labelling who gave him what in the box, and who different people are (because I will forget). We got a USB stick full of photos, we've got his first shoes, we got the last of his belongings.

We decided we needed to do more than the nice photo frame that we'd brought. So we hunted down a Will.owtree Figure called 'heart of gold' which is a little boy holding a golden heart! We gave them that yesterday evening as well. It meant this morning, we could get in and out fast; we were all nearly in tears, but couldn't let boy-o see that!

I can't begin at the moment to explain how I feel about finally reaching this point that our boy is upstairs asleep... I will pause and reflect in a day or two. But for the minute - he's home, he's home, and we are all happy.

waiting...

M's gone to pick up boy-o and his foster parents, I've been left here so the house isn't empty when they arrive. But I hate sitting and doing nothing, but I can't start anything. I'm slowly going mad....

intros....

Sat - we took boy-o out with his foster mum and other foslings to the soft play centre in the morning... he had loads of fun sliding, and climbing and chasing. Lunch there then walk back with all children in pushchairs for a nap.... After the nap, we stayed, we played we did tea, and put him to bed with foster mum.

Sun - we took boy-o out for our first solo visit. Ended up at local countryside estate, fed ducks, did some walking, played on swings and slides. We had a picnic; then took him back to his foster carers for lunch.

Mon - was supposed to be a day out.... morning was fine, but after lunch we decided to go for ride in car, as we couldn't go for walk in the area that we were in. Boy-o slept for about 45 mins, before waking up and throwing up all over the carseat and his clothes. We headed straight back to foster carers - once we'd cleaned him up. He threw up twice more on the way back. We took him in, got him cleaned up. Then he sat quietly for a hour or so, before perking up a little. We don't know if it was car sickness or a virus. He didn't sleep well last night, but was okay today.

Today was busy - we got him up this morning, gave him breakfast, had first social worker visit of the day. Followed this with walk into town for speech therapy (which he is now signed off from). Home, for lunch and nap - during which we had second social worker visit of the day (to arrange rest of intros). Following that we went to a park and played on swings for a little while - but had to get back for nurse to visit to get update on him. Following that, tea, play and bed.

Safe to say - we are knackered and now need to sleep! But we are falling in love with the boy!