Limbo...

At the moment we are waiting...

Waiting for the community paedriciation appointment, as the acute paedriciation feels it would be better for boyo to be seen at a different place - I don't disagree! But know we are starting from point 1 again with someone who doesn't know him

Waiting for occupational health and physiotherapy appointments..they are supposed to be assessing his motor skills possibly looking towards a diagnosis of dyspraxia.

Waiting for CAHMS to decide whether to assess him or whether he is too young.

Waiting for a decision on DLA, so we can work out what I need to work next academic year, before seeing the head! 

Waiting for the Ed pysch to see him at school, and look at starting the statementing process...or it's replacement, no-one seems sure yet. 

And...finally...we are waiting for a moving date, because we didn't think we had enough going on so decided to move as well...Okay the house has been on the market for a while, and we have found a house with bigger rooms, and most importantly a bigger back garden...which was why I wanted to move! 

So life at the moment is a waiting game...at some point before my adoption leave runs out hopefully things will resolve themselves and we will have answers! 

2013 in review...

January - started with conversations with boyo about having a sibling, and a meeting with a social worker about adoption number 2.  Boyo also started to show more understanding about adoption and the idea that he had a Mummy before me.

February - contained the down days that it does, as I remembered my worst miscarriage, contained a week off work, a birthday. a celebration of meeting boyo and a waiting for paperwork.

March - a month of momentous and less momentous occasions. We went to the LA adoption celebration, I had an OFSTED inspection at work, boyo had a birthday and a party, and we had a parent's evening - including the start of transferring from nursery to reception.

April - thoughts about life story work, and a life story book dominated my mind, along with the progress of a second adoption and meeting friends in the park.

May - contained a holiday - and many thoughts that have now gone from the blog as a couple of people in real life found my blog and caused me to go through and delete things from the past! We also found out about Jelly - and had to take an unbelievably difficult decision.

June - started with thoughts of giving up blogging, an accidental meeting of Jelly (by M), a definate link, a death and a funeral.

July - meant approval panel, school holidays, seeing boyo's birth brothers, the start of the worry about reception year for boyo, and a choking incident at school nursery.

Aug - school holidays and all that means, were pleasantly interrupted by introductions, and some difficult behaviour from boyo

Sept - reception year started with little success, and we had a visit from after adoption to talk about life story work.

Oct - was about survival, and the realisation that things were more than a little difficult and we needed help.

Nov - started with national adoption week, a post I shared on facebook, that made it's way back to boyo's school (must remember 1 of my fb friends works in the other reception class), boyo having a really bad day at school, and a conversation about a 'statement'. There was a week of meetings; from a LAC review for Jelly, to Post Adoption Support for boyo, GP's, health visitor, friends with DLA conversations, and a meeting with the SENCO...oh and complaints about my stance on photos at school!

Dec - was busy - hence the two posts - one Secret Santa post and one review of Christmas - without the hard stuff.

So 2013 has passed, the last few months in a blur. I hope 2014 gives us time to relax more. I have less expectations - can things not get worse please, and can we get boyo attending full time school sometime this academic year - preferably before I go back to work. However, we hope we have one big change coming - a house move is very much on the cards, to a bigger house with a much bigger garden.

Wishing you all a Happy New Year - and for those expecting great things - I hope you have a wonderful 2014.

The highs and lows of a week...

So after last week which was pretty dire... I was hoping for better things this week... and in some respects I got them, and in others...nope just continuation of the same old, same old.


We got very worried on Sunday, as we went to the children's activity church service (if that makes sense) and saw a family friend... who apparently had seen boyo at school on Tues before all this kicked off... he had no recollection of seeing her at all... he has also forgotten bits about swimming (after), going the the park (after) and various other bits. This worried us immensely.

Thankfully in a week of appointments, the first appointment - LAC review for Jelly - brought the health visitor to our house... and say what you like, she has gone away previous meetings and found out about attachment and trauma. And when she walked in the door... I asked for advice - about what to do, did I need to see school nurse etc.... she said GP, paediatrician appointment and CAHMS. We had our LAC review, and at the end, we were asked whether we were ready to adopt Jelly... to which we replied, 'no, not yet' which stunned the independent reviewing officer (our social already knew, and had told Jelly's social worker too). We explained that things were too up in the air, that there were things we wanted sorting out prior to adopting Jelly, including issues with Boy-o, and explained, with our SW input why we are struggling and the lack of input from PAS. He went off to email manager of PAS...

Second appointment was with GP (as HV recommended). He decided it was something and nothing, and would refer us the paediatrician, but didn't see the need for CAHMS. He was more bothered about boy-o's lack of school attendance than anything else. So I left downhearted, but not beaten!

Thursday brought forward Post adoption support...who had clearly been challenged to help us. We had a long chat with the social worker, who had many understanding things to say, and some useful ways forward. Until the issues that make boy-o struggle at school are addressed, he isn't going to do well at school! She will refer us to CAHMS (ha ha ha) and thinks we should be looking for a statement based on emotional and attachment issues (although she didn't know statements are going!). We wait, because if she comes through with CAHMS and Social, Emotional and Behavioural Team into school... I will be happier.

And then today... we went to speak to the SENCO (technically I think she is now the Inclusion Manager) at school. And she listened, and proposed ways forward with increasing attendance... like increasing support (presently at 15hours a week), and not expecting boy-o to do what others are doing, it will be enough that he is at school... he can be playing outside, he can be working with 1 to 1 support, he can playing with playdough, but if he is at school full time by May she will be happy! And she will do what she can to make this happen.

She also listened to us about the attachment difficulties and asked for advice! She has been on a course recently and started to think about behaviour in terms of what that is telling her about the child! I lent her Inside I'm Hurting, and gave her several bits of paper to keep (thank you adoption social and inspired foundations!)

We talked statements and education health care plans. We talked educational psychologists. We talked SEB Team. We talked about things to help him. We talked visual timetable, with a photo of me at the end, so he can see how much more he has to get through. We talked about DLA and her filling in the bit of the form, with help from me.

We left feeling that things might be improving for our boy. That things might actually be put in place to help him. From feeling lots of gloom and despair for his future, suddenly I can see that there may be a glimmer of hope. We wait to see what actually happens from these promises, but I can see a glimmer...

Friday

Friday was always going to be difficult before the week got interesting! It was children in need - so Boy-o didn't have his uniform for school, and he had a hospital appointment and we had no-one who we could leave Jelly with!

Boy-o went to school, got himself wound up and worried, then we had to pick him up early and take him to the hospital. This made him worry and panic and stress... because he has been wobbly all week. The good news is, he did really well, and his right eye is now nearly working at normal level (through his glasses) and his left eye is improving.

After this, because although it had been a difficult week, we had all coped okay, we decided to go for our lunch. This was obviously one thing too much for the boy. We went somewhere we have been before, which was quiet - it's a child friendly place, and it was a cold Nov Friday. He really struggled with eating, as it is a diner style place, and the seat backs are high. He struggled with playing outside, on the lovely equipment they have. He just struggled.

We came home and had some playing time... not that boy-o can play anywhere near jelly this week. And the boys were in their pyjama's at 5.00 and in bed by 5.30. If only they slept through!

Wednesday...

We all got up on Wednesday morning, feeling a little under the weather. I made the decision that it would be better for boy-o to go to school, rather than not, but agreed to talk when I got there, as he told me he was not leaving the classroom and his friends at all.

I warned the staff when we got to school, that he was 'not good' and not to push going to the room, and to try to think of alternatives to give him a break from the classroom. And it was taken seriously.

When I picked him up I was told he had been very jittery, and not his normal self. He virtually refused to go to singing in the hall. He did go with his 1 to 1 to the library and choose a book, and have some calmer time. But it obviously wasn't great.

I'd arranged the afternoon round him in some respects. Jelly went to bed when we got back from school (I'd love to say he'd had a long nap, but that would be a lie). Boy-o and I did some theraplay activities and played some silly games and got out his play dough. He had his dummy out for the entire afternoon. But even with my sister coming round with her son to play, we had a relatively calm afternoon. He only lost at right before tea time... always the danger time in our house. But knowing that he'd coped at school and for most of the afternoon, meant that I was able to be calm, and hug him close.

It was another difficult night. But he went to sleep with a smile on his face... which M and I regarded as a positive thing.

Tuesday...

On Tuesday things felt okay... but my poor boy-o had a terrible morning, which has effected the rest of our week. The type of morning that I wish he didn't have, but usefully it happened at school...so following our meeting on Monday, he showed them on Tuesday that he doesn't react the same way that other children do.

But I'm getting ahead of myself... Tuesday morning, Jelly and I went to a toddler group, and had a lovely time. We also had a wasted trip to the doctors - again, 30mins of my life I will not get back, which wasn't what I needed after Monday morning. But Jelly had a lovely time at toddler group.

I had a phone call from our social worker to say she'd had a look at Jelly's life story book, and she completely saw where I was coming from. She spoke to Jelly's social worker and expressed her concerns... who still didn't get it, however she has agreed (with some pressure) to redo the life story book in a more appropriate manner.

However, I when I went to pick boy-o up from school, everything went downhill. I could tell it wasn't great when his 1 to 1 assistant snuck out of the dinner hall to speak to me, she normally waves and gives me thumbs up or thumbs down. One of our suggestions on Monday had been that he needed some time out of the busy classroom (60 children, 7 adults = too much), to give him chance to calm. This was implemented on Tues - but the room he went to is on the corridor that links reception to KS1. One of the school's autistic children was having a really bad day, and went onto this corridor and screamed and wailed. And boy-o could hear this noise, but not see what made it.

He froze... as in fight/flight/freeze. He went drip white and started shaking. And he's not done that at school before. It was all the teaching assistant could do, to get him out of the room and back into the classroom. I found out afterwards he was so bad, that his teacher picked him up and sat him on her knee (she is not a cuddly woman)!

But then at lunchtime, the autistic child did it again, and boy-o did it again. And even my friend who keeps her eye on him at lunchtime (as in it's her job) couldn't get him to come round. Eventually the class teaching assistant took him out of the dinning hall and sat with him, cuddling him.

I was told this when I picked him up, and I was happy with how it was dealt with. I am happy they tried to implement something that I felt was important. I am sad that the consequence was so awful for him. But been me, I wrote a lot in his home/school diary about adrenaline and cortisol and did some education about brain's.

But he couldn't stay still for the rest of the day... we went to his swimming lesson, because his teacher there gets him. Sadly there was a new child in the lesson, who didn't get to see him at his best, but he swam. We went to the park. We had an easy tea. We had a bath. He went to bed... and he didn't have night terrors (whoop, whoop, whoop) but he slept very lightly and very badly.

Monday...

I'm tired this week. It's been difficult, hard, exhausting and emotional this week.

It started with Jelly's social worker came for a visit... this wasn't the one we'd meet previously, this was an earlier one who had returned from long time sick leave. She came very excited because she had brought us a life story book... and as is so often the case (around here anyhow) it was poor. It had a selection of photo's labelled helpful things like 'Your Mummy'... and not of me! It contained information, all gathered together, not written as a story, but a collection of facts. I showed her the one we have prepared for boy-o, she told me that she had done Jelly's and it was adequate and what was I complaining about.  She refused to talk to me about it anymore... and would only talk to our social worker about it.

She also told me that she doesn't think that birth family will want to meet us, or do letterbox. She argued that there was no benefit for her or Jelly, just for M and I. I looked aghast and unbelieving that a child's social worker cannot see the benefit for the child in letterbox contact. I argued, and brought up all sorts of arguments about why it is in Jelly's benefit, but she wasn't having it.

Immediately this meeting finished, I got to go to a meeting at Boy-o's school, and have a hour with his teacher, discussing progress and where things are, and how we can make it better. I took M with me this time, and I think (ok I now know) we started to get somewhere. I took a huge long list of things to talk about, including ideas from primary school teacher friend and boy-o's paediatrician (can I say she is an amazing women). We talked about some ideas to make his time at school easier...some of which has been implemented. I feel confident that progress is been made, but we will see... I have the ear of the SENCo now as well.

I came home from this meeting to phone our social worker, and fill her in on my morning's meetings. This resulted in me having to take Jelly's life story book, Boy-o's life story book and Jelly's later life letter (don't ask) to her offices for her to have a look at. I then had to go to the local stationary shop to buy a pencil that I know boy-o can use, to take to school to say 'this is what you need to have', because I'd given the one we'd borrowed back to it's owner.

Life and Loss

Once again I've written a lot of posts in my head in the past month... but somehow they have not made it here. But I am determined to start writing again... partly to clear my head, and partly to record what is happening, so that I can look back and say things have improved.

And I think that's where I should start...things have improved. In the day to day living it's still hard, but it is improving. It's not easy, but no-one said it would be... but it's getting more normal.

This weeks #WASO optional theme is LOSS, which seems to be a good place to start... at the moment we are all in this house suffering with loss.

M & I are suffering with the loss of sleep... which is pretty insignificant compared to my boys. It's also the time of year, when my head turns to all the loss that we lived through and grieved in our journey to this point. The pregnancy that I got furtherest through, would have been due round about now... we could have a 6 year old or two running around. I don't mourn that alternative life, because without that, we couldn't be here, but I do have to reflect on the fact that we started this journey of adoption from a place of loss.

My boys have both suffered loss.. huge overwhelming loss... from the time that a judge decided that their birth families couldn't parent them, their lives have been about loss and we are presently living with the effects of that loss.

Adoption is surrounded by loss.... our loss of dreams, my boys loss of birth family and their history, birth family loss. And this isn't a quick healed loss... I never, ever, ever adovate that old saying 'time heals everything' because it doesn't... time gives us the tools to cope with whatever life brings, but it doesn't heal, the wounds are there, and be can opened at any moment.

In the immediacy my Jelly is grieving the loss of his foster family, even though he is tiny and seems to be doing okay. He is very independent and doesn't NEED us, which is something that we are doing a lot of work on. To be fair to him, he does now seek me out when he wants something, so he is starting to need us. He has lost the contact with his foster family and his birth family... and it all happened close together. He's too little to know what those loses will cause, and we hope for the best, and prepare for the hard work!

Boyo is also grieving at the minute, which is making his life very hard. Going through the intros for Jelly stirred up a whole pile of emotions for him, which he has struggled to verbalise, but has shown us through his behaviour. He repeatedly tells me when I collect him from school (at dinnertime still) that he has missed me and not seen me for ages, which is as close as I am going to get to an admission that he is worried I won't collect him.

Boyo is insecure and suffers with separation anxiety. Not been with us is incredibly hard for him, and when he isn't with us, he is always more aware... this is why school is such a challenge for him... it's very hard to know where 59 other children and 7 or 8 adults are at all times. As much as we have been able to piece together with him, for him, he is convinced he will loose us too, and therefore wants to be with us... and needs us to feel safe. We spend a lot of time talking about who is safe and can be trusted... childminder, teacher, his support assistant... in the hopes that the repeating the message will ease some of the anxiety and help him relax more.

The effects of loss on adoption children is not well understood. As adoptive parents through, we live with those effects. Each day an adventure, and a puzzle to solve.

So where were we...

It's two weeks since I last posted, which is nothing when things are going well, but I usually post a lot more frequently when things are going pear shaped. And they have been very pear shaped! But right now, Boy-o is sitting on the sofa next to me, relaxing and having some calm time, whilst watching CBeebies, and Jelly is upstairs in his cot, having a nap. It's taken this long for me to be able to sit and type... and even now, I'm getting, what are you doing, why, just noise been generated.

Jelly has a cold, and is miserable with it. We are on the death throes of it hopefully, he seems brighter today. We have been bonding and attaching, he's been in his sling and carried lots. He is a happy thing, who plays well, and is just busy. The cold has caused some problems as he hasn't been sleeping. But the benefit of sitting up all hours giving him cuddles in terms of attachment are amazing. 

He and I went to the adoption playgroup this morning, and one of the social workers who did our prep course first time round was there. She knew we'd adopted again, but was really pleased to see him. I had him in the sling, and she commented on it - I pointed out it's easier than getting the pushchair our of my chair, and it's good for him to be carried. 

Boy-o is feeling more secure and settled... but isn't right yet. We can see from his behaviour that he is still struggling. He was very happy on his half days at school, so I spoke to his teacher about him doing full days this week, like everyone else. He managed Monday really well, but didn't sleep well Monday night (he's not the only one in his class that didn't), but come Tuesday lunch time, I had a telephone call to say, 'you need to come and get him, he's distraught and just wants you', so I went to pick him up and we spent the afternoon doing calming activities. 

(He's just decided to see how close he can sit to me! Typing with one hand now)

In collaboration with his teacher and TA, we've decided to keep him part time for the moment. We have a meeting next week with his teacher, and will discuss how to proceed from from here. I can quite see we won't be full time until Christmas, which is fine, as I am not at work, and he needs the security of been with me, at the moment. However, I am now having to balance, I can't do what I planned as I have boy-o in the afternoon... and it's difficult to find things that both boys are happy to do, without me having to help them both. 

Successes have been a walk in the woods, as I carried Jelly, whilst Boy-o ran and threw sticks and added to dens that have been made. It is a lovely place to go. Going to a park is also good for Boy-o but not as good for Jelly, as he does want to get out of his pushchair and play... and I can't look after him and help Boy-o at the same time. Less successful was yesterday's suggestion by me, that we needed to go and get Boy-o some new trainers. This resulted in a huge strop including a massive nosebleed. 

We are still trying to do theraplay activities with boy-o most days. Some days it works better than others. But M and I can both see the benefit of it for boy-o. I have started some life story work, but that is a blog post all of it's own.

M & I are doing okay, and everyday it gets easier, so we will continue to be okay. 

Brief rant...

So I have a lot to update...but tonight I need a little rant...

I've been having warm cuddly feelings about boy-o's school for the last week since I had a meeting with his present teacher and someone from pre5 assessment team, they blew it today, and it's a really good thing, that it was a childminder day, and it is tomorrow so I have another 24hours to rationise!

Boyo did not sleep well last night, none of us did. We had to wake home this morning, warned the childminder, all the usual. The childminder noticed he was really tired by lunchtime, so when she took him to school, told the teachers, in fact did more, told them that if there were any problems, to let her know and she'd be straight back to pick him up.

They know he chews when he's stressed or tired...we all know he chews when he's stressed or tired. That's why he has a chewy I his bag, and they have a spare!

So what I can't get my head round, is having been told he was tired...

He got hold of some Sellotape, put it in his mouth, chewed it...and then started choking. To the point he had a big slap on his back to release it! He immediately ran to the other side of the room, and refused to be comforted.

Later he had a pebble in his mouth, at that point they decided to find his chew. But they didn't phone childminder or even me to get one of us to pick him up. They know my teaching load is ridiculously light at the minute...so they know they can phone me.

So far tonight, he has woken 5 times... He's been in bed 4 hours. Crying, screaming, shaking.

If only... They had put his chewy on earlier
If only.... They had let me or childminder know immediately, we could have calmed him this afternoon
If only...

I am sure I will go back to warm cuddly feelings soon, but right now, I wish they had handled it differently, or I had gone with my middle of the night thought, about not working today and kept him with me!

Adoption is all about waiting....

We visited M's parents last weekend, having not seen them for a few weeks as we've been ill and they've been ill. M's mum was asking how things were progressing with our second adoption - our reply, it's progressing! Her comment was about the waiting that we have to do - whereas I can't help but feel that we are rushing through it.

This week has actually been about highs and flat spots....
My work is interesting at the moment, but hopefully one of the big stresses will be sorted out and over with next week. Then a couple of weeks afterwards the GCSE classes leave; so more non-contact time for doing work at school.

Boy-o got our first choice school....which is good because it means the system works. Sadly not all of his friends got in.

We saw our social worker this week. She may have talked about actual children. She may have gone away and sent our old report away to two social workers - and I did say to her that she knows us so well and what we'd like that she can send it to whatever social worker she likes - i.e. children she thinks we may be interested in.

We have a panel date - and the plan is that we will go for approval and matching on the same day.

Argh - it's all happening!

randomness

It's been a funny old few weeks... but the Easter holidays are here and we can all relax and breathe a little easier.... I say this despite the fact, boy-o craves routine and the fact we are off to visit family makes it all worse!

Nursery school are doing good things; well I think they are doing good things. Following our open and honest discussion at parent's evening, they are asking a specialist Early Years team into school to assess him. Hopefully this will give us all a clearly picture of where he is, and what he's particular needs are. It does mean he is now firmly on the special needs register, but I'm not too worried by that fact.

Work - my boss is up to her old tricks. This week two of my friends returned from maternity leave...they were both in tears before the end of their second day. Thankfully working 3 days a week, I can just about avoid her.

We are going to visit my parents for a week. These are the same parents who partly live in the same village as me, and partly live on the Isle of Wight. It's an arrangement that is working for no-one at the moment, and I can't see it continuing. Nevertheless, a week on the Isle of Wight beckons.

Life story book.... it's on it's way, finally I've nearly finished the re-invented book! There may be blurry pictures when I've done it.

Adoption 2... is also underway. We've had two official visits from our SW, we would have done all the questions, but we got sidetracked into talking about the Life Story Book provided by boy-o's social worker... and how shockingly bad it is. I showed it to her, and she agreed. She was cross on our behalf. She's coming back after her 2 week Easter break, twice in one week, once to see boy-o and once to see M and I.

It's cold and we still have snow. Not as much as we had last weekend, but there is still snow out there. I'm hoping my the time we are back from holiday it will be gone for at least 7 months! I can't cope if we have snow in April.

There is much more racing around my head, but I am too tired to write anymore now! Soon hopefully.

Parent's evening

We had parent's evening this evening with boy-o's teacher at school. And we said all sorts of positive things, and talked about all sorts of useful things. And I left happy....

Not because he is doing amazingly well at school - he's not, he is below the appropriate level in everything - he's just turned four, and in the majority of the measures used, he is at 24 months... some things he's at 18-24 months, and some things he's at 24-36 months. Listening/concentration he is further behind in, but she agreed with us, that part of it, is hypervigilance, a need to know what is happening.

BUT... and what a big but this is for us;

He is making progress in all areas.

He is getting better in all areas.

He is making friends and playing with them.

And his teacher (& key worker) understands him, gets him and works with us.

He will start reception next year on the special needs register... what level is still being discussed. Mainly for physical issues; but the assessment will be on all the levels where he is seriously behind his peers.

He will have additional support; the teachers he moves on to, will have documented evidence of who he is, and what he is doing.

But more - and my fellow adoptive parents will understand this... she has promised us, that she will check in on him daily in September, and continue to check in on him routinely. It has taken 6 months for him to trust the staff that he is presently with, and she doesn't want that link broken. She knows he won't transfer that trust as easily as some children, and wants to make sure he is okay.

I can't tell you how wonderful it felt. To talk to this educator; and have her appreciate what he has dealt with, and to appreciate what he needs to move on. She understands why it is important that he moves on with his friends, and will oppose any idea that the two nursery classes should be mixed. She says it has taken him a while to get to grips with it all, but that he is thriving at nursery school.

And I am happy.

Ooops

Sorry - I've made a commitment to myself to blog more; and I'd been managing it but the last two weeks have been busy/difficult/tired.

In summary: illness, meeting, meeting, illness, preparing for birthday party, birthday cake, birthday party, adoption celebration, illness, mother's day, illness, ofsted, ofsted, illness, CRB forms, illness.

As you can see - illness features quite highly, from boy-o's cold at half term, we have all been suffering with a cold, that keeps mutating and getting passed round. It's not been very fun, and M started with another cold yesterday. I think we shall just keep clinging on until Easter, when we can relax and chill!

The birthday celebrations I will keep for another day - as they deserve their own post; party last weekend, birthday is this coming weekend.

Adoption celebration event, is one of the magical things that our LA does for us. We enjoyed it last year, and more so this year, as we knew what we were expecting. It was fantastic to see so many familiar faces from adoption support group, the toddler stay and play, and best of all our preparation course. I talked to lots of people, boy-o bounced lots on the bouncy castle, demanded a balloon model made by our old social worker - nothing else would do. There was sand, tunnels, paint, all which were played with.

Ofsted visited my work this week. It involved lots of extra paperwork, seating plans, lesson plans (usually a powerpoint is enough), results tables... and super planned lessons. I was seen, I am content with what I was graded. I am super pleased with the overall result which we were told at 4.00 yesterday, all the hard work has indeed paid off.

Mother's day - for years I avoided Church on Mothering Sunday, if I have to sit through another service next year like the one I sat through this year, I might have to make sure my boy doesn't go. All about the wonderful bond formed between mother's and their children. And all about how mother's keep their children safe. Thankfully I had my special Brownie sitting next to me, and she focused my attention away from anything else. Boy-o was playing in creche, and didn't hear any of it - but we won't be able to do that next year. Grrrrr.

Second adoption plans are progressing, but been hampered by the workload of our LA. Things are moving, I know they are, but slowly, slowly, slowly. We did eventually get our form to fill in, we have eventually got the CRB forms and the medical forms, but it's all slowly, slowly, slowly. Social Worker A is visiting next week - she is A purely as she was our first social worker...although there may be another reason too.

And the meetings were useful, but two meetings in two evenings is too many.

More will follow - not sure when, but it will!

Past, present and future news...

I should have updated before... we've had a better week at school, boy-o has taken his chewy to school every day and he has been calmer and listened better. If only they had mentioned it earlier. He's also been sleeping better; and things have generally been calmer at home.

In other news; still no news from our social worker, I will be emailing her next week, all innocent like, just to say I'm concerned that we haven't had the form yet, and could it have been lost in the post.

In old news - I've remembered I'm not especially good at this point in the year. It was brought home to me because I'm working for a new head of year at school and every time he's seen me this week, he's asked if I'm ok.... the last two years I've worked for HoY's who knew why I don't do well and have just accepted it. I can't bring myself to explain, to someone who doesn't need to know why Feb is so hard; but I might just hide next week.

I can't help but remember that miscarriage. I allow myself some space at this time of year, it is my time to grieve, it is only now and an odd day in October when I let myself dwell.

It doesn't take away from what we've got. It doesn't alter how much I love our boy. I cannot tell you how much he has enriched our lives - and I've said many times before we are truly blessed by our boy. But... at this time of year my thoughts turn to those what might have beens.

School issues... or home issues?

I've been planning all week to write a positive post, lots of positive things going on...a party with only one bad night afterwards, general calm down in behaviour, new agreement between M & myself about dealing with certain aspects of behaviour, just lots of positives....

Except nursery school blow all that away today. I thought everything there was going fine, that although we'd had some issues at home, it was all fine. I thought he was holding it together, yes we'd had a few episodes of him getting into the car and bursting into tears, but I did think that was just release.

Turns out... not so!

When I arrived to pick him up today, he was chewing on a piece of sellotape (yes, I know not ideal, but it happens). One of the staff noticed, looked at me and apologised, I just pointed out that the cuff on his coat is now missing some material... where he has been chewing. This then launched into a discussion about what else he had chewed in the last couple of weeks; toys, sand, playdough, more toys, magnets, more toys....

And I only found out about this now?

Or at least that is what I wanted to scream.

The fact that he is chewing is telling me that something is wrong, he is unsettled. He's not bad at home at the minute, his childminder would have said if he was chewing more than normal at her's. But they didn't tell me, because...wait for it... it's a good one....

'We know it's something he does, so we weren't concerned!'

I just said something about him been unsettled, and said I'd send his chewy in with him. Sadly it's too big for his pocket; so will have to be in his bag, which they may not remember... even the staff admitted that.

I've been internet shopping tonight and brought him a couple of new smaller chews; one on a lanyard and one on a clip on.

But I still can't get my head around the fact, that because they knew that he chewed things, they weren't concerned enough to tell me. I have to try to unpick with boy-o exactly what is making him wobbly at school. And that's tough with a nearly 4 year old, with the emotional intelligence of a slightly younger child.

As it's not happening at home, or the childminders, I have to assume it's something at school. But equally he knows that we are looking into the possibility of adopting again, and I don't know whether that is bothering him - I did start there, and say
'you remember E had a new sister last year'
'yes, A'
'did anyone have to leave Auntie R's house when A arrived?'
'no, just got a new sister'
'and if we have a new sister or brother, no-one will have to leave here'
'no one go'

So he understands that - I think and hope.

But it does leave me racking my brains... think I may need appointment to talk to his teacher soon! And I did think things were going ok...