A calmer time

The end of another week, the passing of another weekend...but this one has been more peaceful than recent ones, not perfect, why would I want that but more peaceful. 

We had a reflective time this past week, lots of night time awake, and chatting. We know what to do, but putting it into practice is hard. Last weekend by Sunday evening, moods were bad, there had been shouting and screaming and kicking...we all did some of one of them. The week started in the same way, except for one difference....

It didn't matter what boyo did, I did not shout at him. I got quiet, I got patient (very patient), I acknowledged his feelings, I did what needed doing without saying 'you can do that if you try'. When he let go of the pushchair, I stopped and waited. When he chewed toys, I removed them and gave him a chew, when he kicked I just cuddled and said 'I'm sorry you feel so cross'. 

And for this week it worked, the week ended calmer, the weekend started calmer. Who cares that we know he can put his shoes on, right at the moment he can't. Who cares if he can put his trousers on if he thinks about it, right now he can't.

Okay, I lie, we weren't perfect and calm at all times. I don't function on 4 hours sleep...this was more because Jelly was ill than anything else. But, and this is important, each day was a fresh start, and I made sure it was.

It resulted in a lovely weekend, with no lingering resentment (apart from about the lack of sleep).

Now just to do it all again! 

Limbo...

At the moment we are waiting...

Waiting for the community paedriciation appointment, as the acute paedriciation feels it would be better for boyo to be seen at a different place - I don't disagree! But know we are starting from point 1 again with someone who doesn't know him

Waiting for occupational health and physiotherapy appointments..they are supposed to be assessing his motor skills possibly looking towards a diagnosis of dyspraxia.

Waiting for CAHMS to decide whether to assess him or whether he is too young.

Waiting for a decision on DLA, so we can work out what I need to work next academic year, before seeing the head! 

Waiting for the Ed pysch to see him at school, and look at starting the statementing process...or it's replacement, no-one seems sure yet. 

And...finally...we are waiting for a moving date, because we didn't think we had enough going on so decided to move as well...Okay the house has been on the market for a while, and we have found a house with bigger rooms, and most importantly a bigger back garden...which was why I wanted to move! 

So life at the moment is a waiting game...at some point before my adoption leave runs out hopefully things will resolve themselves and we will have answers! 

2013 in review...

January - started with conversations with boyo about having a sibling, and a meeting with a social worker about adoption number 2.  Boyo also started to show more understanding about adoption and the idea that he had a Mummy before me.

February - contained the down days that it does, as I remembered my worst miscarriage, contained a week off work, a birthday. a celebration of meeting boyo and a waiting for paperwork.

March - a month of momentous and less momentous occasions. We went to the LA adoption celebration, I had an OFSTED inspection at work, boyo had a birthday and a party, and we had a parent's evening - including the start of transferring from nursery to reception.

April - thoughts about life story work, and a life story book dominated my mind, along with the progress of a second adoption and meeting friends in the park.

May - contained a holiday - and many thoughts that have now gone from the blog as a couple of people in real life found my blog and caused me to go through and delete things from the past! We also found out about Jelly - and had to take an unbelievably difficult decision.

June - started with thoughts of giving up blogging, an accidental meeting of Jelly (by M), a definate link, a death and a funeral.

July - meant approval panel, school holidays, seeing boyo's birth brothers, the start of the worry about reception year for boyo, and a choking incident at school nursery.

Aug - school holidays and all that means, were pleasantly interrupted by introductions, and some difficult behaviour from boyo

Sept - reception year started with little success, and we had a visit from after adoption to talk about life story work.

Oct - was about survival, and the realisation that things were more than a little difficult and we needed help.

Nov - started with national adoption week, a post I shared on facebook, that made it's way back to boyo's school (must remember 1 of my fb friends works in the other reception class), boyo having a really bad day at school, and a conversation about a 'statement'. There was a week of meetings; from a LAC review for Jelly, to Post Adoption Support for boyo, GP's, health visitor, friends with DLA conversations, and a meeting with the SENCO...oh and complaints about my stance on photos at school!

Dec - was busy - hence the two posts - one Secret Santa post and one review of Christmas - without the hard stuff.

So 2013 has passed, the last few months in a blur. I hope 2014 gives us time to relax more. I have less expectations - can things not get worse please, and can we get boyo attending full time school sometime this academic year - preferably before I go back to work. However, we hope we have one big change coming - a house move is very much on the cards, to a bigger house with a much bigger garden.

Wishing you all a Happy New Year - and for those expecting great things - I hope you have a wonderful 2014.

The highs and lows of a week...

So after last week which was pretty dire... I was hoping for better things this week... and in some respects I got them, and in others...nope just continuation of the same old, same old.


We got very worried on Sunday, as we went to the children's activity church service (if that makes sense) and saw a family friend... who apparently had seen boyo at school on Tues before all this kicked off... he had no recollection of seeing her at all... he has also forgotten bits about swimming (after), going the the park (after) and various other bits. This worried us immensely.

Thankfully in a week of appointments, the first appointment - LAC review for Jelly - brought the health visitor to our house... and say what you like, she has gone away previous meetings and found out about attachment and trauma. And when she walked in the door... I asked for advice - about what to do, did I need to see school nurse etc.... she said GP, paediatrician appointment and CAHMS. We had our LAC review, and at the end, we were asked whether we were ready to adopt Jelly... to which we replied, 'no, not yet' which stunned the independent reviewing officer (our social already knew, and had told Jelly's social worker too). We explained that things were too up in the air, that there were things we wanted sorting out prior to adopting Jelly, including issues with Boy-o, and explained, with our SW input why we are struggling and the lack of input from PAS. He went off to email manager of PAS...

Second appointment was with GP (as HV recommended). He decided it was something and nothing, and would refer us the paediatrician, but didn't see the need for CAHMS. He was more bothered about boy-o's lack of school attendance than anything else. So I left downhearted, but not beaten!

Thursday brought forward Post adoption support...who had clearly been challenged to help us. We had a long chat with the social worker, who had many understanding things to say, and some useful ways forward. Until the issues that make boy-o struggle at school are addressed, he isn't going to do well at school! She will refer us to CAHMS (ha ha ha) and thinks we should be looking for a statement based on emotional and attachment issues (although she didn't know statements are going!). We wait, because if she comes through with CAHMS and Social, Emotional and Behavioural Team into school... I will be happier.

And then today... we went to speak to the SENCO (technically I think she is now the Inclusion Manager) at school. And she listened, and proposed ways forward with increasing attendance... like increasing support (presently at 15hours a week), and not expecting boy-o to do what others are doing, it will be enough that he is at school... he can be playing outside, he can be working with 1 to 1 support, he can playing with playdough, but if he is at school full time by May she will be happy! And she will do what she can to make this happen.

She also listened to us about the attachment difficulties and asked for advice! She has been on a course recently and started to think about behaviour in terms of what that is telling her about the child! I lent her Inside I'm Hurting, and gave her several bits of paper to keep (thank you adoption social and inspired foundations!)

We talked statements and education health care plans. We talked educational psychologists. We talked SEB Team. We talked about things to help him. We talked visual timetable, with a photo of me at the end, so he can see how much more he has to get through. We talked about DLA and her filling in the bit of the form, with help from me.

We left feeling that things might be improving for our boy. That things might actually be put in place to help him. From feeling lots of gloom and despair for his future, suddenly I can see that there may be a glimmer of hope. We wait to see what actually happens from these promises, but I can see a glimmer...

Wednesday...

We all got up on Wednesday morning, feeling a little under the weather. I made the decision that it would be better for boy-o to go to school, rather than not, but agreed to talk when I got there, as he told me he was not leaving the classroom and his friends at all.

I warned the staff when we got to school, that he was 'not good' and not to push going to the room, and to try to think of alternatives to give him a break from the classroom. And it was taken seriously.

When I picked him up I was told he had been very jittery, and not his normal self. He virtually refused to go to singing in the hall. He did go with his 1 to 1 to the library and choose a book, and have some calmer time. But it obviously wasn't great.

I'd arranged the afternoon round him in some respects. Jelly went to bed when we got back from school (I'd love to say he'd had a long nap, but that would be a lie). Boy-o and I did some theraplay activities and played some silly games and got out his play dough. He had his dummy out for the entire afternoon. But even with my sister coming round with her son to play, we had a relatively calm afternoon. He only lost at right before tea time... always the danger time in our house. But knowing that he'd coped at school and for most of the afternoon, meant that I was able to be calm, and hug him close.

It was another difficult night. But he went to sleep with a smile on his face... which M and I regarded as a positive thing.

Monday...

I'm tired this week. It's been difficult, hard, exhausting and emotional this week.

It started with Jelly's social worker came for a visit... this wasn't the one we'd meet previously, this was an earlier one who had returned from long time sick leave. She came very excited because she had brought us a life story book... and as is so often the case (around here anyhow) it was poor. It had a selection of photo's labelled helpful things like 'Your Mummy'... and not of me! It contained information, all gathered together, not written as a story, but a collection of facts. I showed her the one we have prepared for boy-o, she told me that she had done Jelly's and it was adequate and what was I complaining about.  She refused to talk to me about it anymore... and would only talk to our social worker about it.

She also told me that she doesn't think that birth family will want to meet us, or do letterbox. She argued that there was no benefit for her or Jelly, just for M and I. I looked aghast and unbelieving that a child's social worker cannot see the benefit for the child in letterbox contact. I argued, and brought up all sorts of arguments about why it is in Jelly's benefit, but she wasn't having it.

Immediately this meeting finished, I got to go to a meeting at Boy-o's school, and have a hour with his teacher, discussing progress and where things are, and how we can make it better. I took M with me this time, and I think (ok I now know) we started to get somewhere. I took a huge long list of things to talk about, including ideas from primary school teacher friend and boy-o's paediatrician (can I say she is an amazing women). We talked about some ideas to make his time at school easier...some of which has been implemented. I feel confident that progress is been made, but we will see... I have the ear of the SENCo now as well.

I came home from this meeting to phone our social worker, and fill her in on my morning's meetings. This resulted in me having to take Jelly's life story book, Boy-o's life story book and Jelly's later life letter (don't ask) to her offices for her to have a look at. I then had to go to the local stationary shop to buy a pencil that I know boy-o can use, to take to school to say 'this is what you need to have', because I'd given the one we'd borrowed back to it's owner.

My boys...

I did start writing a post last weekend for the #WASO theme of the future, however I got so despondent and upset that I gave up writing it. To be fair - it was following the week where I ended up in tears at boy-o's school at an evening event, partly because I as so fed up with his teacher, and partly because he isn't at the same level as his peers. Thankfully the teaching assistant is fantastic, and didn't laugh at me, but instead listened to my concerns.

However, this week feels in some respects better... a week of no school has improved many things...not least boy-o's sleep. We've only had a couple of nights with wake ups - and one of those was because he was struggling with his cold. It's not to say everything has been perfect and I am more than ready for him to go to school tomorrow... but generally a better than expected week.

So 10 and a bit weeks in, how are things with two boys....

Jelly is a delight mostly - we have had a few concerns and a paediatrician appointment, but generally things are going well. He looks to us for comfort.... when I left him at my mum's for an hour, he burst into tears when he realised I was going, and came and gave me a massive cuddle when I arrived back. He crawled into my lap when M's mum said 'no' to him. He is doing well - and as an aside, he adores his big brother - and boy-o will make him giggle by doing the most stupid of things.

Boy-o is also a delight and joy and we adore him. However, he is still really struggling...with his new normal - both full time school (ha) and a new brother.

He is still only doing half time school - and at the moment no-one appears to have a plan to change this (problem number 1). I have asked for a meeting with his teacher in the next couple of weeks to discuss how things are going... and what they are doing to help him. He has an IEP - which we haven't seen and signed. His teacher keeps telling me - 'others do this, and others do that' without offering any solutions to help him. Over the past couple of weeks I have had some serious conversations with my reception teacher friend and been given some guidance.. which needs to be a whole other post.

Boy-o loves Jelly. Jelly loves Boy-o and they are delight - but I can't leave them together because boy-o gets silly - so when I'm cooking tea I have one of them with me. Boy-o cannot play by himself.. he cannot choose something to play with and do so. He has to interfere with whatever anyone else is playing with. He needs more attention and more reassurance than ever before. He is argumentative for the sake of being argumentative...

IT IS HARD... I feel the need to shout that, because I can't get people to understand... and I'm not sure that I will get them to understand... thankfully our social worker does understand and is an amazing support. Thankfully I have some amazing friends who do understand. Thankfully the twitter community is alive and well and keeping me sane.

Sorting things...

So, on Friday, I had a conversation with a fellow adopter who said 'you need help' and I couldn't disagree...it's all a little hard at the minute. She also suggested that we look into disability living allowance for boyo, as he needs more support than others of his age...and this might enable me to work less hours next year, or simply as M put it, have a take away once a week, so it's less stress for us. After this weekend, something has to give, as we cannot carry on like this, so I have asked for help...

I spoke at length last night to my friend who is an experienced reception teacher. She said that if she had boyo in her class at school, she would be asking for help and guidance, because there is clearly something wrong. And she admitted that actually, it's lots of little things wrong, which makes it more complex. She has given me a list of things to raise with his teacher...and yes I am a qualified teacher, but I needed external input to help me feel confident that I was right in this on, not just seeing things that aren't there.

I spoke briefly this morning to a mate who is a paedriciation, whilst she doesn't know boyo as well as teacher friend, she has seen him around. She has suggested that we might need to get a psychologist to look at him. She also advised that DLA is getting harder to get, but she thinks we stand a chance.

I've spoken to post adoption support...who will send me an appointment for about 6 to 8 weeks time. She didn't think I sounded desperate enough for the duty SW, which is fine, because I then emailed our SW to let her know that I've started things moving and why...she is brilliant by the way, but I need a needs assessment for boyo and that's not her roll.

I've spoken to secretary of our present paedriciation, who is retiring (grrrrrr), who listened to me, and said the paedriciation will phone me back, so she can add extra info to covering letter for new paedriciation. 

I've also asked the mums of several 4 year olds we know to have a look at a list, and tell me what things their child can do, so I can compare him for DLA form! 

And overshadowing all this, we have an appointment for Jelly later in the week...to start ball rolling to see if he has the same genetic illness as one of his siblings!

Things aren't great at the moment, and I'm not looking for sympathy. These are my boys, and thus is what we have chosen...but I want someone with a magic wand to come along, wave it, and solve all our problems! 

A week survived

So much to say...so little sleep...makes a very bad blogger! 

This week has been a funny one, in many respects. It has included differing levels of emotions, as so many weeks do. Safe to say, I am now so tired, that managing the demands of the two boys is becoming very difficult.

I took boyo to Church with me last Sunday (as often happens) and we sat next to some friends of ours, who were at church because of church parade...the little girl sat and whispered to me, 'boyo got an achievement certificate in Friday, but in wasn't in assembly' which was lovely news, and something boyo got to tell M when we got home. On Mon we found out, it was because he did some good number work! 

Earlier this week it was the wave of light in remembrance of all those babies that didn't make it. I sat and had a quiet reflection on all those children of ours, who aren't. And yet, if we had any of those children, I wouldn't have the amazing two boys that we do have, who are so meant to be with us. Life doesn't throw at us more than we can't deal with, although in the dark it's hard to remember, 

I was also contacted this week by our agency, wanting me/us to be an adoption champion. I agreed that I would share our story, our hopes, dreams and aspirations. I also agreed that I would think about appearing on the radio during national adoption week! I might regret that, but we'll see what happens.

I also went to the adoption toddler group this week...and sat listening to all these wonderful things that a selection of first time adopters were saying, and how marvellous they are finding everything! And then I spoke to someone who has adopted a second time, and she asked me how things are...I nearly ended up in tears, because it is so hard, and right now, it's not particularly getting easier, just that I am getting more used to it. We had an interesting conversation, that I will return to in due course. 

So there we are, highlights and lowlights of another week...