2013 in review...

January - started with conversations with boyo about having a sibling, and a meeting with a social worker about adoption number 2.  Boyo also started to show more understanding about adoption and the idea that he had a Mummy before me.

February - contained the down days that it does, as I remembered my worst miscarriage, contained a week off work, a birthday. a celebration of meeting boyo and a waiting for paperwork.

March - a month of momentous and less momentous occasions. We went to the LA adoption celebration, I had an OFSTED inspection at work, boyo had a birthday and a party, and we had a parent's evening - including the start of transferring from nursery to reception.

April - thoughts about life story work, and a life story book dominated my mind, along with the progress of a second adoption and meeting friends in the park.

May - contained a holiday - and many thoughts that have now gone from the blog as a couple of people in real life found my blog and caused me to go through and delete things from the past! We also found out about Jelly - and had to take an unbelievably difficult decision.

June - started with thoughts of giving up blogging, an accidental meeting of Jelly (by M), a definate link, a death and a funeral.

July - meant approval panel, school holidays, seeing boyo's birth brothers, the start of the worry about reception year for boyo, and a choking incident at school nursery.

Aug - school holidays and all that means, were pleasantly interrupted by introductions, and some difficult behaviour from boyo

Sept - reception year started with little success, and we had a visit from after adoption to talk about life story work.

Oct - was about survival, and the realisation that things were more than a little difficult and we needed help.

Nov - started with national adoption week, a post I shared on facebook, that made it's way back to boyo's school (must remember 1 of my fb friends works in the other reception class), boyo having a really bad day at school, and a conversation about a 'statement'. There was a week of meetings; from a LAC review for Jelly, to Post Adoption Support for boyo, GP's, health visitor, friends with DLA conversations, and a meeting with the SENCO...oh and complaints about my stance on photos at school!

Dec - was busy - hence the two posts - one Secret Santa post and one review of Christmas - without the hard stuff.

So 2013 has passed, the last few months in a blur. I hope 2014 gives us time to relax more. I have less expectations - can things not get worse please, and can we get boyo attending full time school sometime this academic year - preferably before I go back to work. However, we hope we have one big change coming - a house move is very much on the cards, to a bigger house with a much bigger garden.

Wishing you all a Happy New Year - and for those expecting great things - I hope you have a wonderful 2014.

Adventures in cloth nappies...

Back when we were trying to get (and stay) pregnant, there was never any doubt in my mind. We were going to cloth nappy. It made sense both economically and environmentally. Both my cousins cloth nappied, it didn't seem very difficult, there was no decision to be had.

And then, we adopted, and we adopted a 2 year old, who was on 98th centile, taller than some 4 year olds that we knew. It made no sense to spend money to buy cloth nappies, when he would be potty trained before long, we went straight for disposal nappies... and on the recommendation of my friend with 4 boys we went huggies, and they were fab, never leaked, and did exactly what we wanted. Of course it was well over a year before he potty trained, and even at 4 1/2 he still wets at night, but we made our choice and we stuck with it. Plus buying cloth nappies to fit him would have been more difficult than I needed at that point in my life.

And then we started the adoption process again. And we were linked to a 15 month old (after we made the decision to for go the 5 month old). And he's a great deal smaller, an average 15 month, hovering around the 50th centile for height. And huggies no long sell nappies in the UK anywhere that it is easy to get them... you can get them at some warehouse clubs, who are importing from the USA, but we gave up our membership as a cost cutting exercise... we used to go and spend between £100 and £200 without thinking about it, on stuff we didn't need... nice things, but not necessary things.

So we started thinking about cloth nappies again. And I started talking. One of my best friends had her second child earlier on the year, and she used cloth with her first and again with her second. When she came to visit she brought me a selection to see.... and explained about using them.

I went out (to a bridal shower) and sat chatting to three other friends who all cloth nappied. One said, she always switched to disposals at about a year old, one said, 'I'm not sure, I'd change him at 15 months old' and the other said, 'oh, I've got some liners that you could have, and I think I've got some nappies and wraps left'.

I started researching on line, and decided for during the day I really wanted to use either pocket nappies or 'all in ones'. So I did some searching and researching and came up with a list of 8 different makes and styles that I wanted to try. I managed to get hold of 3 pocket nappies and 3 all in ones of my list, and only brought one new one! I also spoke to our local council who provide cloth nappy packs to babies under 6 months in the area, and after some decision they decided that I could have a trail pack with another 'all - in - one' and a two part (shaped nappy and wrap). I also brought another two part nappy for overnight use.

So there we were several weeks before Jelly joined us, and I had 7 day nappies to try and 2 overnight ones! We played a bit during introductions when he was at our house, and obviously more since he moved in. M and I both know now which nappies we prefer, and how many more we think we need to buy. Pocket nappies are definitely the way forwards in this house and I hate to say it... my friend was right, she raves about the nappy type that we are going for... BumGenius V4...although I might still mix in a couple of Fuzzibunz perfect fit as well.

Overnight.. so far we haven't actually made a full night in washable. Mostly as I wimped out on changing from disposal to washable for first couple of nights, and then last night when I did try, Jelly is starting to realise that things are going back to how they were before (with him at child minder) and had a really bad night's sleep. I'd put one on, and at 1.30 a.m., when there was nothing left I could do for him, I changed it for a disposal... more normal feeling for him. Not that it worked, but at least I knew that there was nothing else I could do to make him feel better!

So Jelly at the moment is been cloth nappied during the day, and I'm probably going to continue in disposals for overnight for a few more weeks. I am lucky, as I have some of the mythical huggies - a huge box that one of my friends did pick up for me at a warehouse shop - but it was the last box on the shelf. If he needs more nappies in that size when they run out, we'll have to start experimenting with other brands...

And if you want some second hand all in one nappies - I have some for sale...

Feelings of doom...

My feelings about boy-o's school are swinging widely at the moment, to how good they are, to how could they let that happen, to yes - thank you for that, to doom...

I'm worried now that next year might be our first year with a teacher for boy-o who doesn't get him. Which as it's his first year in full time education may be a disaster. It was when the words 'well all children do that', left her mouth that I realised she really didn't get it!

Her biggest concern... is health and safety. He chews things and puts them in his mouth, and oh my goodness he might choke! To which I explained about his chewy and how to recognise the signs, and all she said was 'well he's choked in nursery'. And whilst I recognise she has a valued reason for concern, this is easy to sort... watch him first, find out if he is putting things in his mouth, and then work out a plan of action. I know you want them to have freedom to choose things, but surely it's not that hard! If I tell you he's had a bad night, make sure he has something he can chew. If I tell you he's feeling unsettled today, make sure he has something to chew.

She calmly told me that one of their first topics that they study is the family, I commented that boy-o might find this difficult...to which I was told 'well you're his family'... umm yes, but not his only family. If you are talking about people that are important and have looked after him, you are just as likely to hear about his foster parents, as us. If you talk about been a baby, he will talk about his birth mother... and call her such - which might confuse some others in the class.

We talked about his need to be able to know everything... she didn't get it.... well if we put him round this corner, it's quieter and he'll be able to focus more.....no, he will worry about what everyone else is doing, because he will hear the noise but not know what is causing it. We talked about the fact he has a mild avoidant style attachment, and he will keep it together all day at school, but rage when we get to the car/home.... 'that's really common in children of his age' Yes, you often see 4 year olds, hitting, kicking, biting, laying on the floor screaming for 20 to 30 mins.

We talked about his ability to choose dinner, 'it'll be fine' apparently, all he has to do is choose in the morning, whether he wants the meat option, the veggie option or jacket potato, stick his name on the right colour and then he'll be given a band as they walk down to dinner, so the dinner ladies will know what he's chosen! So he has to choose as we arrive at school, when there are lots of other people around, and he'll want to play, and then he has to find his name (and recognise it) and stick it on the correct coloured board (he doesn't do colours). Then 3 hours later when they go down for lunch, he'll be given a band to wear, and given his main meal, and vegetables, then asked to choose his pudding. Not going to be a success I fear - never-the-less we will play it their way for a while.

We talked about transitions; and how difficult he finds it - which of course lead to another of the 'all children struggle' comments. To which I felt like saying, yes, but he finds it harder than most, and will take longer to trust you as a reliable adult.

I asked about photos of the classroom and the adults he will be dealing with. It should have been in our welcome pack, and I don't think she believed me when I said it wasn't. I have a horrid, horrid feeling that she listened to what she wanted to hear, and put her spin on it, rather than actually listening. She gave me a talk about over anxious parents, and how half the things we worry about don't come to anything.

I wonder if half the problem is, that she knows it all about adoption. After all her niece and nephews were adopted.... but on the recommendation of their social worker they weren't told that they were adopted until they were teenagers...I suspect from her age (she's been teaching at the school for 30 years) that we are talking about adoption in the 80's. She cannot get her head around the fact that we openly talk about adoption in our house.

I was very glad that the inclusion manager (SEN Co-ordinator) was in the room, and able to take some of what I said, and comment on it, and add to what I was saying. I'm glad that I feel that I have a ally who is trying to understand this. She was trying to find ways to help, and offer support - and I am glad about that. Sadly though, she's not the one who will be in the classroom, day in day out. And I have a horrid feeling, that having gone through nursery without much of a blimp, next year we are going to be talking to school, an awful lot more! And hearing a lot more of 'he did...', 'he wouldn't do...' and 'he didn't...'

I got the feeling in the end, that she was quite glad that I've said he will stay part time for longer than the others. Something less to think about in the afternoon. I hope I'm wrong, but we have always maintained in this house... if you prepare for the worst, usually you will be amazed at how it turns out. I'm also prepared for all the comments of how good he is, until something goes badly wrong.

I left her with a copy of 'education now' and 'let's learn together' which the inclusion manager rushed off to copy. So hopefully one of them will read it.

History is written by the winners....

The following isn't meant to promote a debate that my family has had many times over the years - it's just a point I am trying to make.

I always remember my education when I am confronted with the title of this post... I was brought up in England, and went to English schools, the IRA was presented as a terrorist organisation which did terrible things for no real reasons. My cousin was brought up and educated in Eire, and her Southern Irish school presented the IRA as freedom fighters. Neither viewpoint was entirely correct or incorrect, but two sides of a very passionate debate.

So we've written boy-o's life story book. We've had to - for all the reasons that I gave on my last past - right or wrong doesn't matter it's just the fact. But it does mean that we've edited the information that we wanted boy-o to have at the moment. There are facts in his past that matter a lot, but that he will not understand at the moment; so we've brushed them under the carpet.... 'there will be time for that' was the point we made.

But in the middle of the night, in one of my insomniac moments - it struck me... 'history is written by the winners' and my boy's story has been written by us. We have presented the information in the way that we want him to have it. We have glossed over some incredibly difficult information.... there are things that I don't want to explain to him until he is a great deal older. We have left out some information that is impossible to comprehend for a 4 year old, actually it's still a little incomprehensible for us to understand.

We've tried to write it with sympathy towards his birth mum, because that is our/my over-riding feeling towards her. I always look at her life story, and think, 'there but for the grace of God', and I know some of my friends have struggled with that fact. I have no bitterness towards her, just great pity. I've met her, she is ruled by a life of hardship and has lived through things that I can't imagine - not just having children removed by social services.

But I still get stuck at the point that we've written it. It is a book for now, and as M has just reminded me, the plan is to go back and add to it at a later stage. We have a roll of lining paper in the loft where we transcribed his report into some sort of date order. We have his report. We have numerous other reports. It's not that we are keeping secrets - but trying to give him a basic story, that we can all build on in future.

But I hope we have put the right information in and left the right information out.