Feelings of doom...

My feelings about boy-o's school are swinging widely at the moment, to how good they are, to how could they let that happen, to yes - thank you for that, to doom...

I'm worried now that next year might be our first year with a teacher for boy-o who doesn't get him. Which as it's his first year in full time education may be a disaster. It was when the words 'well all children do that', left her mouth that I realised she really didn't get it!

Her biggest concern... is health and safety. He chews things and puts them in his mouth, and oh my goodness he might choke! To which I explained about his chewy and how to recognise the signs, and all she said was 'well he's choked in nursery'. And whilst I recognise she has a valued reason for concern, this is easy to sort... watch him first, find out if he is putting things in his mouth, and then work out a plan of action. I know you want them to have freedom to choose things, but surely it's not that hard! If I tell you he's had a bad night, make sure he has something he can chew. If I tell you he's feeling unsettled today, make sure he has something to chew.

She calmly told me that one of their first topics that they study is the family, I commented that boy-o might find this difficult...to which I was told 'well you're his family'... umm yes, but not his only family. If you are talking about people that are important and have looked after him, you are just as likely to hear about his foster parents, as us. If you talk about been a baby, he will talk about his birth mother... and call her such - which might confuse some others in the class.

We talked about his need to be able to know everything... she didn't get it.... well if we put him round this corner, it's quieter and he'll be able to focus more.....no, he will worry about what everyone else is doing, because he will hear the noise but not know what is causing it. We talked about the fact he has a mild avoidant style attachment, and he will keep it together all day at school, but rage when we get to the car/home.... 'that's really common in children of his age' Yes, you often see 4 year olds, hitting, kicking, biting, laying on the floor screaming for 20 to 30 mins.

We talked about his ability to choose dinner, 'it'll be fine' apparently, all he has to do is choose in the morning, whether he wants the meat option, the veggie option or jacket potato, stick his name on the right colour and then he'll be given a band as they walk down to dinner, so the dinner ladies will know what he's chosen! So he has to choose as we arrive at school, when there are lots of other people around, and he'll want to play, and then he has to find his name (and recognise it) and stick it on the correct coloured board (he doesn't do colours). Then 3 hours later when they go down for lunch, he'll be given a band to wear, and given his main meal, and vegetables, then asked to choose his pudding. Not going to be a success I fear - never-the-less we will play it their way for a while.

We talked about transitions; and how difficult he finds it - which of course lead to another of the 'all children struggle' comments. To which I felt like saying, yes, but he finds it harder than most, and will take longer to trust you as a reliable adult.

I asked about photos of the classroom and the adults he will be dealing with. It should have been in our welcome pack, and I don't think she believed me when I said it wasn't. I have a horrid, horrid feeling that she listened to what she wanted to hear, and put her spin on it, rather than actually listening. She gave me a talk about over anxious parents, and how half the things we worry about don't come to anything.

I wonder if half the problem is, that she knows it all about adoption. After all her niece and nephews were adopted.... but on the recommendation of their social worker they weren't told that they were adopted until they were teenagers...I suspect from her age (she's been teaching at the school for 30 years) that we are talking about adoption in the 80's. She cannot get her head around the fact that we openly talk about adoption in our house.

I was very glad that the inclusion manager (SEN Co-ordinator) was in the room, and able to take some of what I said, and comment on it, and add to what I was saying. I'm glad that I feel that I have a ally who is trying to understand this. She was trying to find ways to help, and offer support - and I am glad about that. Sadly though, she's not the one who will be in the classroom, day in day out. And I have a horrid feeling, that having gone through nursery without much of a blimp, next year we are going to be talking to school, an awful lot more! And hearing a lot more of 'he did...', 'he wouldn't do...' and 'he didn't...'

I got the feeling in the end, that she was quite glad that I've said he will stay part time for longer than the others. Something less to think about in the afternoon. I hope I'm wrong, but we have always maintained in this house... if you prepare for the worst, usually you will be amazed at how it turns out. I'm also prepared for all the comments of how good he is, until something goes badly wrong.

I left her with a copy of 'education now' and 'let's learn together' which the inclusion manager rushed off to copy. So hopefully one of them will read it.

Parent's evening

We had parent's evening this evening with boy-o's teacher at school. And we said all sorts of positive things, and talked about all sorts of useful things. And I left happy....

Not because he is doing amazingly well at school - he's not, he is below the appropriate level in everything - he's just turned four, and in the majority of the measures used, he is at 24 months... some things he's at 18-24 months, and some things he's at 24-36 months. Listening/concentration he is further behind in, but she agreed with us, that part of it, is hypervigilance, a need to know what is happening.

BUT... and what a big but this is for us;

He is making progress in all areas.

He is getting better in all areas.

He is making friends and playing with them.

And his teacher (& key worker) understands him, gets him and works with us.

He will start reception next year on the special needs register... what level is still being discussed. Mainly for physical issues; but the assessment will be on all the levels where he is seriously behind his peers.

He will have additional support; the teachers he moves on to, will have documented evidence of who he is, and what he is doing.

But more - and my fellow adoptive parents will understand this... she has promised us, that she will check in on him daily in September, and continue to check in on him routinely. It has taken 6 months for him to trust the staff that he is presently with, and she doesn't want that link broken. She knows he won't transfer that trust as easily as some children, and wants to make sure he is okay.

I can't tell you how wonderful it felt. To talk to this educator; and have her appreciate what he has dealt with, and to appreciate what he needs to move on. She understands why it is important that he moves on with his friends, and will oppose any idea that the two nursery classes should be mixed. She says it has taken him a while to get to grips with it all, but that he is thriving at nursery school.

And I am happy.

Theraplay

I went a couple of weeks ago to a wonderful evening to introduce me to the world of Theraplay; although to be fair our first social worker did tell us about it, and had see still been our social worker when boy-o was placed she'd have done some with us. I really enjoyed the evening, not just because it was nice to be with adoptive parents who are becoming friends but because the information was useful.

Theraplay for those not versed in adoption theory is a 'method of enhancing attachment, engagement, self esteem and trust in others'. The goal is to help the relationship between adult and child so it is secure, attuned and joyful.

The SW who was leading the session pointed out that even a child that was removed at birth and has had minimum moves, they still have a different experience to birth children that have always lived with mum and dad. That they have lost an inherent belief that they will be where they are forever. Theraplay helps by working on structure (and encouraging safety and regulation), engagement (connection and attunement), nurture (regulation and worthiness), and challenge (competence & confidence along with supporting exploration). For more information have a look at their website...theraplay institute

We watched a video of a SW working on some theraplay activities with her son. It was useful to see some of the ideas in practise. We did some of the activities. We had a discussion about some of the practicalities. Thankfully the SW leading the session knows boy-o so when I said 'what about when he won't sit still to do this or that' and she referred me to some of the more active activities.

My plan is to try to do some theraplay activities during the long holiday... it's only 4 weeks away now. I'm going to do some planning and collect some equipment and practise with M! The idea is that the adult leads, and that it's relatively fast paced for a short time. The plan is that if it seems to be helping I might contact the SW's and ask for someone to come and do a session with us to make sure that there isn't anything I haven't missed.

In an aside I spoke to boy-o's key worker at pre-school this morning in an attempt to gather information in preparation for the visit I have booked to speak to next year's nursery class teacher. She can't believe how much he has come on in some aspects, social and communication are amazing to look at. However, he doesn't recognise numbers, colours, or shapes (I knew that!). They also commented on his concentration... he's just too nosey. Which of course makes me wonder about hyper-vigilance; does he need to know where everyone else for safety. They also raised several over issues; which I knew about... can't be helped it's who he. The big question mark I have is over how he will do in a new environment, and how long it will take him to settle. I can't imagine until he's happy and confident in the nursery class he'll do very well at school...but that is the point of making the change now, not in 12 months when he starts school. He can have a year getting used to it.

He will be okay, he's a happy, jolly and social child. It doesn't matter that he can't do what someone else of his age can, it's only someone else's idea of where he should be. He is doing amazingly well... he's progressing in all areas, and in the right manner. He'll get there, and if he doesn't, so what, he's our boy and we love him.

PreSchool

Our local village pre-school takes children at 2 1/2 years, which seems ridiculously early especially as boy-o has only been with us 6 months. But back in April I put his name down on the waiting list and he started in the middle of September.

He attends 3 mornings a week - which if it seems too many I fully intend to cut back on. But he seems to be loving it - it gives him freedom to run about and mix and socialise with other children. He comes home from pre-school talking about what he's done and who he's played with. This is really positive to me - 7 months ago he was barely talking and really only playing alongside other children - he actually interacts with them now.

There is a secondary bonus - it's getting him used to not been with me 24/7... and as I am going back to work in just over 2 months (ugh!) he's got to get used to this.

He comes home with paintings and stickings and activities that he's done. I can tell that he's not entirely settled because he's obviously flitting from one thing to another - but he's getting there. The staff are lovely and have listened when I have spoken about his anxiousness and separation anxiety... they are spending time with him, getting to know him. I wrote what felt like an essay in his second week, explaining that he will sometimes have unusual reactions to what should be common events - flashbacks!

The first week I left him, he was fine. The second week he wanted me to stay and play with him - he likes it there, but would like it more if I could play with him as well! This morning there were tears again - we'll see, we will see...

I've spoken to our SW about it - she is happy that he is settled enough to go. She knows that I will pull him out if there is any problems. I'm seeing the fact that he is upset when I leave him as a positive - he has a good attachment and likes me to be there with him! We send him with a sticker of him plus me, or him plus M or him plus the dog, so he can see us. I've got a photo laminated and put in his bag which the staff know if he gets unsettled they can pull out.

I hope we've made the right decision... sometimes it feels so mean to leave him there!