Intros

So I have been a bit remiss in writing this - however, not just this - but I seem not to have written any notes from foster carer. It feels odd, I have a note-book full of info from boy-o - social worker comments, medical adverser, foster parents, contact supervisor. I have some random notes for Jelly - but not anything useful in day to day life. It's possibly that I know I can phone foster carer up any time, that I have nodded, and thought, I'll remember that. Equally I have proved myself capable of looking after a child - I don't need copious notes. At some point I will possibly regret it, but not yet.

So Introductions....

The first day, we visited, just M and myself, boy-o stayed elsewhere. It gave us time to get to know Jelly without boy-o trying to get in the way. We spent an hour there in the morning, after our planning meeting, then came away and took boy-o out for lunch! We then went back in the afternoon, having left boy-o with someone else. We took lots of photos to show boy-o though.

The next day M went in the morning for an hour, and then we all went in the afternoon for several hours. Boy-o and Jelly had tea together having played together, and had a fantastic time outside. I have some lovely photos of them playing on the toddler slide.

We all went out with a picnic the following day, including the foster mum. We went to a local estate, and walked, fed ducks, had a picnic, played in the wood and played in the play area. I think foster mum was impressed (or depressed) when I just set to and changed Jelly's nappy after a poo, on the grass in the play area... Somewhere like that I don't see the need for a baby changing room, especially as the toilets there are a little ummm.  

Foster mum and Jelly came to our house in the afternoon, and after 30mins when Jelly was plainly calm and happy foster mum left, and Jelly stayed for tea.

M and I have been taking turns in going in a morning and evening to spend a bit of one-on-one time with Jelly at the foster carers. But both us and the foster mum agreed that the best thing for both boys was to be together at our house, living a relatively normal life.

More of the same sort of thing followed, Jelly came here for lunch, then we spent all day with Jelly - went out for some of the day with M and boy-o. This week Jelly has virtually been here all day, he's had breakfast at foster parent's and then bottle of milk at bedtime, the rest of the time he's been here.

If it hadn't been for a hospital appointment today, he'd have moved yesterday, both he and boy-o were ready. But we needed to get the hospital appointment sorted out, and the foster carer had to be there, to follow up from previous appointment. So tomorrow is the day... M will pick him up in the morning, and then tomorrow evening he will have his first night here.

I'm excited and tired. I'm happy but sad for foster carers and for birth family. This is our future and it is bright, but someone else had to suffer for us to get here.

Two days, Three brothers...

We met up with 2 of boy-o's brothers last week. The twin brothers who are 14 months older than he is, and adopted on the other side of the city we call home - nearly in a different area of the county. I love meeting up with them and their mum, and we had a lot to discuss!

Straight away we were stuck with the similarity in their looks, boy-o looks more like one of the twins than the other twin. They sound alike, they look alike, they act alike. Twin S is also loud, disruptive, stubborn and struggles to settle to anything... except winding up his twin brother. Twin J has many, many more problems than either of the other two and will when there is space transfer to a special school. 

Their mum and I had a long chat. We talked about progress that has been made by all 3 boys since last time we met. We talked over issues with birth family - she never got to meet birthmum. We talked about our next adoption and how he fits into their story. We passed 2 hours chatting in a soft play place with occasional interruptions - 'look at me, Mum', and 'he threw that ball at me' and 'I want to go on that now'...just typical boy stuff. 

She has warned me that her boys have been harder this year (their first at full time school) than ever before. We talked about loudness, inability to settle at tasks, stubbornness (oh my goodness they are stubborn or at least boy-o and twin S are). It is funny to see the three of them together, because they are clearly related and their Mum and I are clearly not. 

And then, yesterday we treated ourselves to a visit that we shouldn't have made... but my boy is going to struggle unless we do and our social worker knows. We called round to see M's family friend, and just happened to sit in her back garden, and be invited through into next doors garden. Which probably means nothing... but I'll refer you back to the title of this post! We spent some time with boy-o's brother (to be) getting the boys used to each other. And listening to more from the foster carers!

And I know we shouldn't and many would frown on it. But he will be our child - even if I have to wait... I am having to wait, he should be with us now, if only his social worker had managed to do her job. And an occasional visit will help jelly get used to boy-o and boy-o to get used to jelly...  Foster mum is very much in agreement with us, and we all think that boy-o is the most important person in this. 

Oh... and jelly probably won't be his name for ever, but he shares a name with a friend's child, who has a lovely little nickname, which lead me to jelly - I'm not explaining more than that though. 

My week in summary.

The last week has been difficult... in many ways!

Not least because someone else that I know found my blog... and told one of my closest mates (who doesn't read it) and I whilst wouldn't have any issues with her reading it at all, that's two people in a few weeks. So I have removed a lot of posts - they are saved in draft form, and I can read them whenever, but I'm sorry, they are no longer accessible to anyone else. I'm having to take some serious decisions about writing a blog - and at the moment I can't think about it. And no - I don't care that the person who found me, has read it, although in a text conversation she did say, that once she realised it was me, she did back out.

My grandmother died at the end of last week. And whilst I am upset, she had dementia... for the last 3 years she has rarely recognised any of us. I have visited her and been all sorts of people - from her history, but also  random people. The next to last time that I visited her, she recognised me, and remembered that I had a little boy... she asked to see a photo. It is a memory I shall carry with me.

The difficulties that are involved - my aunt has decided that she has to be cremated and we have to have a thanksgiving in the area that she grew up... down in Suffolk. My mum would have liked her to be cremated near here, where she was living, and then have a internment of the ashes and thanksgiving in Suffolk at a later date.

So I have to visit Suffolk, it's too long to travel in a day, plus the timing isn't great. I can't take boyo to the funeral, I can't leave him with anyone apart from M. If we had been here, I could have left him with friends or childminder for a few hours, but we can't do that. We are all going south, but only I can go to the cremation and thanksgiving service.

It's been difficult as my Mum (although it was my Dad's mum) has been arguing with my aunt about it. And my aunt has felt awful. On Wed I had texts and emails from both of them which I could not deal with, as I was trying hard to prepare my a level students for their exam. I nearly lost it at lunchtime when I received a text demanding that I phone my Mum immediately... I didn't, I went and had my lunch with some work friends and turned my phone off.

And this has been the story of my week - nothing simple, all high emotions and difficult decisions. And next week isn't promising to be a great deal better...more work than I know what to do with. A level exam on Wed, which means very stressed y13's on Tues. Gathering information that I want boyo's teacher to have for next year. Pre school committee meeting. And making sure that I have sorted out all the issues with taking a boy who doesn't deal with change to a hotel for a few nights!

History is written by the winners....

The following isn't meant to promote a debate that my family has had many times over the years - it's just a point I am trying to make.

I always remember my education when I am confronted with the title of this post... I was brought up in England, and went to English schools, the IRA was presented as a terrorist organisation which did terrible things for no real reasons. My cousin was brought up and educated in Eire, and her Southern Irish school presented the IRA as freedom fighters. Neither viewpoint was entirely correct or incorrect, but two sides of a very passionate debate.

So we've written boy-o's life story book. We've had to - for all the reasons that I gave on my last past - right or wrong doesn't matter it's just the fact. But it does mean that we've edited the information that we wanted boy-o to have at the moment. There are facts in his past that matter a lot, but that he will not understand at the moment; so we've brushed them under the carpet.... 'there will be time for that' was the point we made.

But in the middle of the night, in one of my insomniac moments - it struck me... 'history is written by the winners' and my boy's story has been written by us. We have presented the information in the way that we want him to have it. We have glossed over some incredibly difficult information.... there are things that I don't want to explain to him until he is a great deal older. We have left out some information that is impossible to comprehend for a 4 year old, actually it's still a little incomprehensible for us to understand.

We've tried to write it with sympathy towards his birth mum, because that is our/my over-riding feeling towards her. I always look at her life story, and think, 'there but for the grace of God', and I know some of my friends have struggled with that fact. I have no bitterness towards her, just great pity. I've met her, she is ruled by a life of hardship and has lived through things that I can't imagine - not just having children removed by social services.

But I still get stuck at the point that we've written it. It is a book for now, and as M has just reminded me, the plan is to go back and add to it at a later stage. We have a roll of lining paper in the loft where we transcribed his report into some sort of date order. We have his report. We have numerous other reports. It's not that we are keeping secrets - but trying to give him a basic story, that we can all build on in future.

But I hope we have put the right information in and left the right information out.

Life Story Book

We've done it.... the book is complete. I was determined that it would happen this week, and we've done it a day early.

Boy-o now has a life story book, which starts where we are, and ends where we are. In the middle there is a lot of information and pictures about all sorts of things. His birth parents, his birth siblings, those he does see and those he doesn't. His foster carers - both sets. Contact. Meeting us. Our court date, his Baptism and adoption celebration. It's all there... in a form that my boy can understand.


We first had sight of a life story book for him, shortly before we went to court. Our social worker had asked his, not to glue anything into it in case it needed changing. His social worker turned up with a complete book and obviously expected to be congratulated....

Our names we were wrong in it.

Across a picture of his birth mum, the word 'Mummy' was written. Same for birth dad.

There was incorrect information in there about his birth family.

It included a genogram (family tree) taken straight from his report - which is also wrong.

And that was just the start of it....

Our social worker, offered help, she offered training. It was all refused. His social worker took the book away, to redo...

She changed our names!

The facts were still wrong. The pictures would have confused him. The information would have worried him - even the stuff that was correct would have left him confused and worried.

In the end his social worker came back with the book, and we accepted it, knowing we weren't happy. We showed it to our social worker who was appalled and offered to redo it, but knowing how pushed for time she is, we said we'd do it. And we have... finally.


It's important for adopted children to have accurate and useful life story books. It tells them about where they have come from, and helps them start to understand what has led to adoption. Our boy's book glosses over the deeper darker stuff, and there is deeper darker stuff, but that's because he is 4. When he's 10, or 14 or 16 he will be better able to cope with some deeper explanation...

We talk about his birth mum - well now he has a photo. We have spoken briefly about his birth dad - now he has a photo and an explanation. We've talked about his birth brothers and sisters, we've looked at photos, now he can see how they fit in age. It's got reminders all the way through, that we love him, that his foster carers love him, that his birth mum loves him. He is lovable.

We have the information that is suitable now in a book, we have more to add as he gets older.

Ooops

Sorry - I've made a commitment to myself to blog more; and I'd been managing it but the last two weeks have been busy/difficult/tired.

In summary: illness, meeting, meeting, illness, preparing for birthday party, birthday cake, birthday party, adoption celebration, illness, mother's day, illness, ofsted, ofsted, illness, CRB forms, illness.

As you can see - illness features quite highly, from boy-o's cold at half term, we have all been suffering with a cold, that keeps mutating and getting passed round. It's not been very fun, and M started with another cold yesterday. I think we shall just keep clinging on until Easter, when we can relax and chill!

The birthday celebrations I will keep for another day - as they deserve their own post; party last weekend, birthday is this coming weekend.

Adoption celebration event, is one of the magical things that our LA does for us. We enjoyed it last year, and more so this year, as we knew what we were expecting. It was fantastic to see so many familiar faces from adoption support group, the toddler stay and play, and best of all our preparation course. I talked to lots of people, boy-o bounced lots on the bouncy castle, demanded a balloon model made by our old social worker - nothing else would do. There was sand, tunnels, paint, all which were played with.

Ofsted visited my work this week. It involved lots of extra paperwork, seating plans, lesson plans (usually a powerpoint is enough), results tables... and super planned lessons. I was seen, I am content with what I was graded. I am super pleased with the overall result which we were told at 4.00 yesterday, all the hard work has indeed paid off.

Mother's day - for years I avoided Church on Mothering Sunday, if I have to sit through another service next year like the one I sat through this year, I might have to make sure my boy doesn't go. All about the wonderful bond formed between mother's and their children. And all about how mother's keep their children safe. Thankfully I had my special Brownie sitting next to me, and she focused my attention away from anything else. Boy-o was playing in creche, and didn't hear any of it - but we won't be able to do that next year. Grrrrr.

Second adoption plans are progressing, but been hampered by the workload of our LA. Things are moving, I know they are, but slowly, slowly, slowly. We did eventually get our form to fill in, we have eventually got the CRB forms and the medical forms, but it's all slowly, slowly, slowly. Social Worker A is visiting next week - she is A purely as she was our first social worker...although there may be another reason too.

And the meetings were useful, but two meetings in two evenings is too many.

More will follow - not sure when, but it will!

2 years as a family of 3

2 years ago today I posted this...

'We went to the adoption agency offices this morning to plan out the next couple of weeks. We had some formal stuff to go through, and promises of reports and life story book came from boy-o's social worker, but both us and his foster mum wonder whether it will actually happen. We have planned our meetings with boy-o until next Tues. Because the foster mum has other children, one of whom is having an operation next Wed, we are having a review meeting next Tues, and then will plan from that point!

Having done that this morning, this afternoon we actually meet boy-o. He started off shy, and not at all happy, but gradually he started to come round a bit. After about 20mins, he ended up looking at the book I made whilst sitting on my lap - which I have to say was a truly amazing experience, not having a little boy sitting on my lap, but the fact that this is our little son.

We built towers of stacking cups and knocked them down. He spent time emptying my handbag. He spent time with M, again sitting on his lap looking at the book, but also playing with other toys. We looked at the photo of our dog, and decided that dogs go 'woof'.

When we left boy-o said 'Good bye' and 'see you'. And it's nice to know that in the morning, we will spend more time with him.

I can't explain how happy I feel right now, and I know that I will grow to love this character, who does everything at one speed (fast) and wants to explore and investigate.'

And that last sentence was so true... I did grow to love him, faster than either I or M could believe. He still does everything at that one speed and still wants to explore and investigate. He has learnt so much (and we have learnt so much) over the last two years... it has been an amazing roller coaster  good times and bad times, but so, so worth it. I adore the fact that he's is ours and we are his. 

primal responses

I love my boy dearly, he is amazing and it still gives me a thrill every time I remember I am his mother. His thrill with the world and wonder in what he sees is contagious.

And yet...

If you look under all that amazement and joy and caring; there is a terrified little boy who doesn't let himself fully believe in the good. We try hard to remember, but others don't see it, they are of the 'now he's adopted, it's all okay' opinion - along with 'he was so young, he won't remember'.

Except what they don't see, is that response which is primal... something is different, something is changing, what is going to happen....flight, fight or freeze.

On Monday, we went to my in-laws for a while... and boy-o was playing with his granddad  And his granddad started to tease him, that Father Christmas lives in their box room.

And boy-o burst into tears, came storming into the lounge and wouldn't leave mine or his dad's side for the rest of the time we were there.

'but it was only a joke' 'come on boy-o, I was only teasing'

We calmed him down, he stopped crying. 'You are safe, mummy and daddy are here, our job is to keep you safe, nothing bad will happen, we are here'

'it'll be okay, no harm done'

To which I have to admit I snapped 'except the screaming that will occur tonight, the terrors that will come'

'no, no, that won't happen'

Even M said at that point 'it will'

'no, you're over reacting' 'you make too much out of the fact he's adopted' 'he's okay now'

I did feel like phoning them up every time he woke up screaming that night, to say
'yes, he's ok, this is normal isn't it?'

I didn't. But I wish I could have done.

I wish I could get them to see that little boy that is terrified of 'different', because if I can't get them to see - what chance to I have of getting others to see.

Weekend thoughts

My mind in snippets....

I spoke to my boy's teacher at the end of yesterday and said what I thought had happened... she said 'that makes sense'. I do like her, and one of the assistants; just the one that sends me around the bend. I might accidentally have let his teacher know though, although I hope not. I work with his teacher's sister in law, and she takes keen interest in my boy; as I do her daughter - who is now at Uni. She asked how he was doing on Fri morning, and I told her I wasn't happy and why! She won't go out of her way to say anything, but you know how these things end up happening.

I need to refer you to a fantastic post I've read this week; one of those I shall print out and have pinned up in our house. Quick go read An Adopters Manifesto across at The boy's behaviour if you haven't read it yet, and whilst you are there; have a good look at the Weekly Adoption Shout out.

Still waiting for paperwork from LA for second adopter; it's possible that our social worker's plan won't pan out. Not surprised. Not worried. When it happens, it will happen, the timing will be right for us.

My sister is just starting her homestudy. That's all I'm saying on that at the moment.

Half term is here.... I love it as a teacher, but boy-o craves and needs routine. It could end up being a long week. We only have two real fixed plans at the moment... need to come up with something for the other three days.

I'm 36 very soon. Very, very soon. I didn't give up celebrating my birthday when I turned 30, in fact I very determinedly celebrated it the following year. But it's all still wrapped up in emotion, and I'd sooner it was past.

Life is full of interesting happenings... Church, school, pre-school, Brownies, family. Too much going on, not enough time to devote to any of them really. Each day comes, stuff happens, and it passes.

Christmas has been and gone...

I had to laugh when I was talking to my friend this week... she has brought me a gorgeous notepad and pen for Christmas. This is so, (she explained) that when I can't blog something, I can write it down and blog it later... I will put it somewhere obvious so that I can use it so.

Christmas was too busy, and therefore too much fallout. But because most of the time was spent with people he isn't fully confident with we saved fallout for home.

We started by seeing his foster carers; the weekend before Christmas; as always he loved it, they loved it, we all loved it. But he always struggles a little with those visits - but it's so worthwhile doing. Especially as he brought their present little foster girl out of her shell, and they ended up scattering jigsaws, games and toys all over the kitchen floor. They were delighted because they hadn't seen the girl play with such joy before. We spent time talking about them when we got home, reminded boy-o that he is staying with us, that we might visit them, but he's not going back.

The Sunday brought Santa Express with our friends. We go to a lovely quiet Santa Express, and we got seats just behind the engine, which all the boys loved. It was a good afternoon, and we went back to the friends house afterwards and the boys got to play more.

On Christmas Eve we went to a party at a friends house... it's a house that boy-o is familiar with, and we only went because I knew that nobody there would judge us if we left early... as it was he was happy joining in as much as the next youngest child. And everyone there (bar one family) knows us, and knows him, so he was happy being gorgeous.

Christmas day, was in parts magically, and in parts awful. We didn't wake up until 7.30; and he sat on our bed with his stocking and unwrapped presents. We went to Church, and he took a toy to show off, and then refused to do so. We came home opened presents, went to my parents had a meal. Came home and went to bed. Missing out the strops, tantrums, tears, shouting and the rest.

Boxing day we went to M's sisters - which was lovely as he got to play with this cousins. The following day we went for a walk.

We had spent lots of time dealing with an out of control three year old, or possibly dis regulated. He has struggled, and it has been made worse because he's not been well. He's not caught up on all the sleep he needed to, because he's been awake on average 3 hours in the middle of each night. Needless to say - we also haven't caught up on all our sleep.

We have had a lovely time really, lots of family time, lots of good things. And whilst it not been easy, to be honest it hasn't been as difficult as I thought it might me.

and now - we sit staring at the end of 2012, there are many posts I should have written - there will be many more that I should write and don't. Hopefully sometime later this week I will write again about the possibilities of 2013 - and there are some. 

Christmas is coming...

I'll write more, I optimistically told a friend.

You'll notice I'm failing badly... there are all sorts of excuses I can use; illness, exhaustion, Christmas, too much work, too much volunteering. All are valid - but I'm not sure that's the reason. I seem to blog when I need to get things out of my head, and when we are coping...even if it's only just coping I can leave my blog. This tends to mean that when I blog it is full of angst and anguish. But it's not all like that.

I am making time to blog today, because I am spending the morning with my boy... but he's having a nap. It's Tuesday I should be at work, but it's a consultation day, and my joint form tutor wanted to leave early. I said I was happy to do the later slot, but I wasn't going into work before I dropped boy-o off at nursery. So that is what is happening... which is good because for reasons that I'm not going into right now, I stupidly agreed to work extra days this week! This morning is my time with him.

He's tired at the moment, he's not sleeping well. There is too much happening out of the normal for his comfort. I can see his panic setting in. His teacher at nursery has done her best to accommodate him, but there comes a point when nativity rehearsals have to happen, and they have to happen out of the classroom. He has been thrown by things happening at weekends that don't normally happen...School Christmas Fairs, Village Christmas celebrations. It's all too much for him.

He needs lots of love and cuddles at the moment. We are trying to be therapeutic, we are trying to understand, but it's not easy when we are all tired. It was at the point on Sunday when he didn't want cuddles, didn't want to be carried, didn't want to walk, didn't want to ride on Daddy's shoulders that we gave up and came home, after just 30 mins out in the village.

Every day is a fresh chance, every day starts anew... and everyday starts well.


Some of what we are dealing with is age related. Lots of 3 year old's are tired and not coping. And we do try to assign a lot of the behaviour to this, but at times he gives us a glipse of his bigger worries. And when he does we try to reassure him... at the moment mention a party and he bursts into tears - it's one of his big things, and with so much being different at the moment, he can't deal with the emotions it brings - not that he can tell us that.

Christmas is coming, school holidays are coming, we have visitors staying over night (for the first time in 21months!) I'm dreading all of it - whilst hoping my fears are unfounded. Although we have lots happening in the holidays, we have managed to plan lots of 'us' days where we have nothing to do.

But between all that and now, we have his nativity to get through. We have a Brownie sleepover. We have a fun afternoon planned in the park with some other adoptive families. My old mantra has come back into force... one day at a time, and if not a day, then one hour at a time.

And in the middle of this... we are waiting for a social worker to visit to talk about the possibility of doing it all again!

2011...

I wish I had something inspirational to post in my first post of 2011; but apparently inspiration has left me...

We've spent the time since getting back from my parents just being together and trying to sort bits out. I now have a chest of drawers nearly full of clothes for a little boy. My cousin and my friend have been very generous; and whilst I need to check sizes on some of them; my drawers are nearly full! We've also been given more toys.

Back to work tomorrow, for 7 weeks; and then hopefully my adoption leave starts. 7 weeks today we will know whether boy-o will be our son or not. 7 weeks today a group of people will decide our future. In the meanwhile we have to meet boy-o's foster parents and the medical advisor. Those two appointments are fixed. We also hope that to meet boy-o's mum's social worker and the agency contact supervisor.

We have a list of things that we need to do; things that we ought to do; and things that we'd like to do. Next weekend we start working through the list. But we also know that there are some things that we can't sort out until after we've met his foster parents.

I hope that your hopes and dreams are fulfilled in 2011! I hope that ours will be too.

snippets...

In no particular order - things I need to say:

Adoption approval panel - booked for 18th Oct, which everyone but us thinks is a long way away, but we were thinking Nov!

Got more paper work to fill in, what about this, what about that.

Got a spare bedroom, and a second spare bedroom! We have reorganised things, so that what was our study is now ready to become a child's bedroom. We sat in there earlier in the week planning.... it felt real.

Phone call from a long time friend last night. She was told yesterday morning that she is post-menopausal -not what you want to hear when you are 32. You also possibly don't want to hear 'well what about...' or 'well you never wanted to children' or many other 'helpful things'. I just sat on the phone and cried and swore with her, because there is nothing else to do or say.

In dog house with M... supposed to be going to his sister's tomorrow to build a wall around her patio. For a variety of reasons it would be easier for her if we don't take our dog. Her suggestion leave with M's elderly parents for the weekend, where she isn't allowed out in the back garden without being on a lead (it's not dog proofed). She won't get more than a 10min walk all weekend. We are going away next weekend, and have already asked them to look after her that weekend, because I am at home the week following. I can't leave her there 2 weekends in a row, it's not fair on her or his parents. He is refusing to argue with his sister - I've given two other alternatives, neither of which he is happy about, either I stay home with her, or we go only for the day, not the weekend. He is presently not talking to me!

I only have one more week at school for this year, in fact 4 1/2 days to go. Then a weekend in London, nieces for a week, and one week away, that leaves 3 weeks of me time! Hopefully it will be the last time!

Spare room...

We have our niece (nearly 6) staying with us this week - which is fine because I love her to bits and what are teacher aunties for, if not looking after nieces during school holidays. But I was sorting out our spare bedroom today ready for her, when it hit me; this darling girl, who I adore, should not be sleeping in our spare bedroom but sharing her cousin's bedroom. In a different life, her cousin would have been born 5 or so years ago, and would be less than a year younger than her.

They would be up there now, whispering and giggling, supposedly going to sleep on bunk beds. They would be getting excited about all the things that they would be doing this week. They would be swapping secrets and teddy bears; they would be happy together. I know this because this is what I did with my cousins when I was younger.

Instead of this, she's upstairs asleep (the tooth fairy has already visited) in our spare bedroom. Sleeping in solitary splendor having read her book and had lots of cuddles. We have lots plans but tonight I regret that she hasn't got a cousin to share it with. She's excited and tomorrow I will be too; but for tonight I will dream of what might have been.