The highs and lows of a week...

So after last week which was pretty dire... I was hoping for better things this week... and in some respects I got them, and in others...nope just continuation of the same old, same old.


We got very worried on Sunday, as we went to the children's activity church service (if that makes sense) and saw a family friend... who apparently had seen boyo at school on Tues before all this kicked off... he had no recollection of seeing her at all... he has also forgotten bits about swimming (after), going the the park (after) and various other bits. This worried us immensely.

Thankfully in a week of appointments, the first appointment - LAC review for Jelly - brought the health visitor to our house... and say what you like, she has gone away previous meetings and found out about attachment and trauma. And when she walked in the door... I asked for advice - about what to do, did I need to see school nurse etc.... she said GP, paediatrician appointment and CAHMS. We had our LAC review, and at the end, we were asked whether we were ready to adopt Jelly... to which we replied, 'no, not yet' which stunned the independent reviewing officer (our social already knew, and had told Jelly's social worker too). We explained that things were too up in the air, that there were things we wanted sorting out prior to adopting Jelly, including issues with Boy-o, and explained, with our SW input why we are struggling and the lack of input from PAS. He went off to email manager of PAS...

Second appointment was with GP (as HV recommended). He decided it was something and nothing, and would refer us the paediatrician, but didn't see the need for CAHMS. He was more bothered about boy-o's lack of school attendance than anything else. So I left downhearted, but not beaten!

Thursday brought forward Post adoption support...who had clearly been challenged to help us. We had a long chat with the social worker, who had many understanding things to say, and some useful ways forward. Until the issues that make boy-o struggle at school are addressed, he isn't going to do well at school! She will refer us to CAHMS (ha ha ha) and thinks we should be looking for a statement based on emotional and attachment issues (although she didn't know statements are going!). We wait, because if she comes through with CAHMS and Social, Emotional and Behavioural Team into school... I will be happier.

And then today... we went to speak to the SENCO (technically I think she is now the Inclusion Manager) at school. And she listened, and proposed ways forward with increasing attendance... like increasing support (presently at 15hours a week), and not expecting boy-o to do what others are doing, it will be enough that he is at school... he can be playing outside, he can be working with 1 to 1 support, he can playing with playdough, but if he is at school full time by May she will be happy! And she will do what she can to make this happen.

She also listened to us about the attachment difficulties and asked for advice! She has been on a course recently and started to think about behaviour in terms of what that is telling her about the child! I lent her Inside I'm Hurting, and gave her several bits of paper to keep (thank you adoption social and inspired foundations!)

We talked statements and education health care plans. We talked educational psychologists. We talked SEB Team. We talked about things to help him. We talked visual timetable, with a photo of me at the end, so he can see how much more he has to get through. We talked about DLA and her filling in the bit of the form, with help from me.

We left feeling that things might be improving for our boy. That things might actually be put in place to help him. From feeling lots of gloom and despair for his future, suddenly I can see that there may be a glimmer of hope. We wait to see what actually happens from these promises, but I can see a glimmer...

Thursday

On Thursday, we had another bad start to the day. Boy-o plainly didn't want to go to school, and was creating difficulties to make sure we didn't get there on time... little does he know, that I allow for this in my planning of the mornings.

Thursday morning for me, was all about friends and conversations about living with a child who is different. It started in the playground, as one of my friends boys is having a tough time, and I left boy-o wobbly and not wanting to be there, and she left her boy in tears. We walked out together, knowing that we are both living through tough times, offering the other one help, but knowing that there is a limit to what we can do. She has however, applied for disability living allowance (DLA) for her younger son, and gave me some tips.

I had arranged for another friend to come and talk to me about DLA and whatever other advice she had to give. And there was plenty of useful information, but very hard to talk about our damaged children, who have other difficulties as well. She has been battling things for the past few years so had lots of tips to pass onto me.

When I picked boy-o up from school, the Senco caught me, and we had a brief chat. As I'd had my brain melted in the morning, I probably didn't make much sense, but she did say that boy-o's teacher had been to see her for some advice... finally! I do need to arrange a meeting with the Senco and chat more to her, the problems that we are having are not all adoption related.

I also squeezed in a phonecall to post adoption support - who are coming to see me next week!

It was another difficult afternoon, but we lived through it, and once the boys were asleep, M and I hatched a plan... and it feels better to have plan. But it does leave us with some decisions to make...about the house, about work, about schools, lots of thinking to do.

Wednesday...

We all got up on Wednesday morning, feeling a little under the weather. I made the decision that it would be better for boy-o to go to school, rather than not, but agreed to talk when I got there, as he told me he was not leaving the classroom and his friends at all.

I warned the staff when we got to school, that he was 'not good' and not to push going to the room, and to try to think of alternatives to give him a break from the classroom. And it was taken seriously.

When I picked him up I was told he had been very jittery, and not his normal self. He virtually refused to go to singing in the hall. He did go with his 1 to 1 to the library and choose a book, and have some calmer time. But it obviously wasn't great.

I'd arranged the afternoon round him in some respects. Jelly went to bed when we got back from school (I'd love to say he'd had a long nap, but that would be a lie). Boy-o and I did some theraplay activities and played some silly games and got out his play dough. He had his dummy out for the entire afternoon. But even with my sister coming round with her son to play, we had a relatively calm afternoon. He only lost at right before tea time... always the danger time in our house. But knowing that he'd coped at school and for most of the afternoon, meant that I was able to be calm, and hug him close.

It was another difficult night. But he went to sleep with a smile on his face... which M and I regarded as a positive thing.

Tuesday...

On Tuesday things felt okay... but my poor boy-o had a terrible morning, which has effected the rest of our week. The type of morning that I wish he didn't have, but usefully it happened at school...so following our meeting on Monday, he showed them on Tuesday that he doesn't react the same way that other children do.

But I'm getting ahead of myself... Tuesday morning, Jelly and I went to a toddler group, and had a lovely time. We also had a wasted trip to the doctors - again, 30mins of my life I will not get back, which wasn't what I needed after Monday morning. But Jelly had a lovely time at toddler group.

I had a phone call from our social worker to say she'd had a look at Jelly's life story book, and she completely saw where I was coming from. She spoke to Jelly's social worker and expressed her concerns... who still didn't get it, however she has agreed (with some pressure) to redo the life story book in a more appropriate manner.

However, I when I went to pick boy-o up from school, everything went downhill. I could tell it wasn't great when his 1 to 1 assistant snuck out of the dinner hall to speak to me, she normally waves and gives me thumbs up or thumbs down. One of our suggestions on Monday had been that he needed some time out of the busy classroom (60 children, 7 adults = too much), to give him chance to calm. This was implemented on Tues - but the room he went to is on the corridor that links reception to KS1. One of the school's autistic children was having a really bad day, and went onto this corridor and screamed and wailed. And boy-o could hear this noise, but not see what made it.

He froze... as in fight/flight/freeze. He went drip white and started shaking. And he's not done that at school before. It was all the teaching assistant could do, to get him out of the room and back into the classroom. I found out afterwards he was so bad, that his teacher picked him up and sat him on her knee (she is not a cuddly woman)!

But then at lunchtime, the autistic child did it again, and boy-o did it again. And even my friend who keeps her eye on him at lunchtime (as in it's her job) couldn't get him to come round. Eventually the class teaching assistant took him out of the dinning hall and sat with him, cuddling him.

I was told this when I picked him up, and I was happy with how it was dealt with. I am happy they tried to implement something that I felt was important. I am sad that the consequence was so awful for him. But been me, I wrote a lot in his home/school diary about adrenaline and cortisol and did some education about brain's.

But he couldn't stay still for the rest of the day... we went to his swimming lesson, because his teacher there gets him. Sadly there was a new child in the lesson, who didn't get to see him at his best, but he swam. We went to the park. We had an easy tea. We had a bath. He went to bed... and he didn't have night terrors (whoop, whoop, whoop) but he slept very lightly and very badly.

A week survived

So much to say...so little sleep...makes a very bad blogger! 

This week has been a funny one, in many respects. It has included differing levels of emotions, as so many weeks do. Safe to say, I am now so tired, that managing the demands of the two boys is becoming very difficult.

I took boyo to Church with me last Sunday (as often happens) and we sat next to some friends of ours, who were at church because of church parade...the little girl sat and whispered to me, 'boyo got an achievement certificate in Friday, but in wasn't in assembly' which was lovely news, and something boyo got to tell M when we got home. On Mon we found out, it was because he did some good number work! 

Earlier this week it was the wave of light in remembrance of all those babies that didn't make it. I sat and had a quiet reflection on all those children of ours, who aren't. And yet, if we had any of those children, I wouldn't have the amazing two boys that we do have, who are so meant to be with us. Life doesn't throw at us more than we can't deal with, although in the dark it's hard to remember, 

I was also contacted this week by our agency, wanting me/us to be an adoption champion. I agreed that I would share our story, our hopes, dreams and aspirations. I also agreed that I would think about appearing on the radio during national adoption week! I might regret that, but we'll see what happens.

I also went to the adoption toddler group this week...and sat listening to all these wonderful things that a selection of first time adopters were saying, and how marvellous they are finding everything! And then I spoke to someone who has adopted a second time, and she asked me how things are...I nearly ended up in tears, because it is so hard, and right now, it's not particularly getting easier, just that I am getting more used to it. We had an interesting conversation, that I will return to in due course. 

So there we are, highlights and lowlights of another week...

Life and Loss

Once again I've written a lot of posts in my head in the past month... but somehow they have not made it here. But I am determined to start writing again... partly to clear my head, and partly to record what is happening, so that I can look back and say things have improved.

And I think that's where I should start...things have improved. In the day to day living it's still hard, but it is improving. It's not easy, but no-one said it would be... but it's getting more normal.

This weeks #WASO optional theme is LOSS, which seems to be a good place to start... at the moment we are all in this house suffering with loss.

M & I are suffering with the loss of sleep... which is pretty insignificant compared to my boys. It's also the time of year, when my head turns to all the loss that we lived through and grieved in our journey to this point. The pregnancy that I got furtherest through, would have been due round about now... we could have a 6 year old or two running around. I don't mourn that alternative life, because without that, we couldn't be here, but I do have to reflect on the fact that we started this journey of adoption from a place of loss.

My boys have both suffered loss.. huge overwhelming loss... from the time that a judge decided that their birth families couldn't parent them, their lives have been about loss and we are presently living with the effects of that loss.

Adoption is surrounded by loss.... our loss of dreams, my boys loss of birth family and their history, birth family loss. And this isn't a quick healed loss... I never, ever, ever adovate that old saying 'time heals everything' because it doesn't... time gives us the tools to cope with whatever life brings, but it doesn't heal, the wounds are there, and be can opened at any moment.

In the immediacy my Jelly is grieving the loss of his foster family, even though he is tiny and seems to be doing okay. He is very independent and doesn't NEED us, which is something that we are doing a lot of work on. To be fair to him, he does now seek me out when he wants something, so he is starting to need us. He has lost the contact with his foster family and his birth family... and it all happened close together. He's too little to know what those loses will cause, and we hope for the best, and prepare for the hard work!

Boyo is also grieving at the minute, which is making his life very hard. Going through the intros for Jelly stirred up a whole pile of emotions for him, which he has struggled to verbalise, but has shown us through his behaviour. He repeatedly tells me when I collect him from school (at dinnertime still) that he has missed me and not seen me for ages, which is as close as I am going to get to an admission that he is worried I won't collect him.

Boyo is insecure and suffers with separation anxiety. Not been with us is incredibly hard for him, and when he isn't with us, he is always more aware... this is why school is such a challenge for him... it's very hard to know where 59 other children and 7 or 8 adults are at all times. As much as we have been able to piece together with him, for him, he is convinced he will loose us too, and therefore wants to be with us... and needs us to feel safe. We spend a lot of time talking about who is safe and can be trusted... childminder, teacher, his support assistant... in the hopes that the repeating the message will ease some of the anxiety and help him relax more.

The effects of loss on adoption children is not well understood. As adoptive parents through, we live with those effects. Each day an adventure, and a puzzle to solve.

So where were we...

It's two weeks since I last posted, which is nothing when things are going well, but I usually post a lot more frequently when things are going pear shaped. And they have been very pear shaped! But right now, Boy-o is sitting on the sofa next to me, relaxing and having some calm time, whilst watching CBeebies, and Jelly is upstairs in his cot, having a nap. It's taken this long for me to be able to sit and type... and even now, I'm getting, what are you doing, why, just noise been generated.

Jelly has a cold, and is miserable with it. We are on the death throes of it hopefully, he seems brighter today. We have been bonding and attaching, he's been in his sling and carried lots. He is a happy thing, who plays well, and is just busy. The cold has caused some problems as he hasn't been sleeping. But the benefit of sitting up all hours giving him cuddles in terms of attachment are amazing. 

He and I went to the adoption playgroup this morning, and one of the social workers who did our prep course first time round was there. She knew we'd adopted again, but was really pleased to see him. I had him in the sling, and she commented on it - I pointed out it's easier than getting the pushchair our of my chair, and it's good for him to be carried. 

Boy-o is feeling more secure and settled... but isn't right yet. We can see from his behaviour that he is still struggling. He was very happy on his half days at school, so I spoke to his teacher about him doing full days this week, like everyone else. He managed Monday really well, but didn't sleep well Monday night (he's not the only one in his class that didn't), but come Tuesday lunch time, I had a telephone call to say, 'you need to come and get him, he's distraught and just wants you', so I went to pick him up and we spent the afternoon doing calming activities. 

(He's just decided to see how close he can sit to me! Typing with one hand now)

In collaboration with his teacher and TA, we've decided to keep him part time for the moment. We have a meeting next week with his teacher, and will discuss how to proceed from from here. I can quite see we won't be full time until Christmas, which is fine, as I am not at work, and he needs the security of been with me, at the moment. However, I am now having to balance, I can't do what I planned as I have boy-o in the afternoon... and it's difficult to find things that both boys are happy to do, without me having to help them both. 

Successes have been a walk in the woods, as I carried Jelly, whilst Boy-o ran and threw sticks and added to dens that have been made. It is a lovely place to go. Going to a park is also good for Boy-o but not as good for Jelly, as he does want to get out of his pushchair and play... and I can't look after him and help Boy-o at the same time. Less successful was yesterday's suggestion by me, that we needed to go and get Boy-o some new trainers. This resulted in a huge strop including a massive nosebleed. 

We are still trying to do theraplay activities with boy-o most days. Some days it works better than others. But M and I can both see the benefit of it for boy-o. I have started some life story work, but that is a blog post all of it's own.

M & I are doing okay, and everyday it gets easier, so we will continue to be okay. 

Ooops... it's all a little difficult here...

We knew it would be difficult. We knew we would have problems. And yet...when our social worker forgot about us on Wed (she is on annual leave this week) I had a crisis feeling. Had text conversation with her, and said we were okay - not easy but okay, and then on Thurs things imploded and I sent a text just after lunch to say 'please come this evening' which she said she could do.

It was the adults who were struggling with how to deal with behaviour. Boyo is very caring and always has been, and as such he is in Jelly's face a lot. He wants to help, but isn't showing it in the best way. He is constantly doing things that we are asking him not to, such as holding onto Jelly, and taking his cuddly off him and countless other things. He wants to show how much he cares.

But he is also very excited and is spending his whole time showing off. And because he's the way he is, he is also been very vigilant - because his world has changed, and he needs to find his new place in this new order.

We have been reassuring him, we have let him regress as he wants, he is been fed, he is having a bottle of milk at bedtime, we have tried all our usual tricks, ignoring the bad and praising the good, rewards, bribery and threats of early nights. Nothing was having any effect, as soon as you praised him, he stopped doing what he was been praised for. Ignoring the behaviour just escalated it. Sitting him with us on the sofa has given us both bruises. I think my low point was when I carried him upstairs, put him on his bed, and sat in his chair, refusing to engage until he calmed down... I had teddies thrown at me for that one, and there are a lot of teddies on his bed.

So we reached out... and asked for help, because we could not calm him. There was nothing that we could do, that would help him, and we wanted to help him, no needed to help him.

We talked things through. We explained that we felt WE were getting into a negative cycle. And that, is what was bothering us most, we are usually good at stopping that negative cycle, but we couldn't find a way forward.

It felt better to hear that it was normal. That virtually every older child struggles when a new child arrives, no matter how they arrive. That we were doing okay, it's not a disaster.

She agreed that we were doing the right thing going out for part of each day. That we were right about gradually starting to introduce people to Jelly, because Boy-o needs normality. That we could separate them if it was easier... it was okay that they didn't spend every minute together. I'd been resisting separating them, on the grounds they need to get used to each other, but she pointed out that they are spending time together, and that they don't have to spend every waking minute together.

And she gave us some ideas. Initially to start theraplay activities again - and if we were struggling with it, she's happy to give up some time to come and help us with it. And then some ideas to work on both his life story and Jelly's... to help him understand better his story and his place in the world. She has given us some super ideas, which I will probably blog about, once we've had a chance to do some of them. I've also ordered some more books...

So I went to bed last night calmer, and woke up feeling more refreshed. And today has been a better day - and when Jelly had his nap, I got out my mysterious box that Boy-o noticed first thing this morning, which I'd loaded with some things for theraplay activities last night. And we managed a 20 minute session with theraplay activities, and followed it up with some general silly playing. I gave him the total time that we had available, and when M came home from work before Jelly had finished his nap (M is working part time for at least another week yet), we planned our afternoon... divide and conquer.

And it worked, the boys went to bed much calmer, because things had been calmer. They both went early, as neither is sleeping especially well, but they have slept so far tonight.

So I'm hoping that we can continue to be calm, and do theraplay work. I'll start the life story work soon, when I've had time to get my head round it a bit!

Why I blog...

Again this week, I faced a 'ummm' moment about blogging and why I blog - I'm not going into why I had the moment, but felt it was time to reflect on the blogging aspect again.

My blog has always been my space; the place where I empty my head and heart without driving M round the bend. That means that what is written is written because at the moment I am writing it, it needs to come out of my head. That those thoughts and feelings need to be put down and thought about, because there comes a point when M can't just listen anymore and needs (man like) to start fixing...

I don't blog to have a huge following - although comments are always nice. I know people read my blog, a few are real-life friends, most are people I've 'met' through the internet, some through infertility and more recently through adoption. It's wonderful to share, but first and foremost this is my space - my spot on the internet - and most people who read would pass me on the street and not know that I am that blogger.

It is wonderful to read others stories, to hear - yes, us too - as you go through another moment. In adoption there are moments that sometimes only people educated in adoption issues would get - therefore it's good to share those stories; and hear others ideas. That is one of the reasons I share.

But to bring this round again - this is my space, if you have read something here that upsets you, or you have read something here that that I might not have told you...this is my space to empty to my head. Nothing is written with any intention of causing hurt, it is just written to empty my head.

And yet this week, I considered walking away  - and in all honesty I might still do that.

Changes....

The theme this week at WASO (see the button on the left) is all about transitions;

I'm boy-o. I'm four. Everyone thinks I am a happy boy. My Auntie R keeps telling Mummy that I will be okay, because I am happy and friendly she says that I draw other children to me.

But I don't like it when things change... and when I don't like it, I worry and get very cross. I don't like it, because although I love Mummy and Daddy lots, before I lived with them I lived with some other people who I loved too, they were called J & G. And suddenly, Daddy and Mummy started coming to see me, and all the things that I used to do stopped, then I left J&G's house and moved in with Mummy and Daddy.

Mummy says she likes I like routine because it's predictable and safe.

When I know what is going to happen, I am happy. But it's no good telling me that something good is going to happen, when things change I get scared, because it might mean that I have to move again. I don't like it when things change or stop. I get scared.

When I'm scared, I have to know where Mummy and Daddy are. I have to be near them, sometimes this makes Mummy cross as she trips over me a lot, but mostly she remembers that I am scared.

When I'm scared, I like to chew. Mummy and Daddy don't like me chewing my clothes, so they have given me a special chew to use. I use this a lot especially when I'm at school nursery, because strange people come into the classroom, or sometimes we have to do different things, like go to the music room. It's scary if you don't know what is going to happen.

When I'm scared I sometimes have bad dreams. I can't tell Mummy and Daddy what the dreams are about, but I do calm down if Mummy or Daddy come and give me a cuddle. I hate it when I wake up and they aren't here, because that is really scary. I know that they only leave me with Granny and Grandad, or Granny and GD, but if Mummy and Daddy aren't here when I wake up, I don't know where they are, and that is even scarier.

Sometimes when I'm really scared I hit or kick Mummy and Daddy. Mummy really doesn't like this, and she is trying to get me to shout and scream and jump when I am cross. She thinks this might stop me hitting and kicking them. I get really upset when I hit or kick Mummy or Daddy, because I love them and I don't want to hurt them, but sometimes I do.



....okay - so boy-o clearly hasn't written this - but this is what change does for us, in this house. And whilst we try to stay calm and help him, it's not always easy! It helps to remember, that when he is scared, he has these behaviors so we can start to help him unpick why he is scared!

Past, present and future news...

I should have updated before... we've had a better week at school, boy-o has taken his chewy to school every day and he has been calmer and listened better. If only they had mentioned it earlier. He's also been sleeping better; and things have generally been calmer at home.

In other news; still no news from our social worker, I will be emailing her next week, all innocent like, just to say I'm concerned that we haven't had the form yet, and could it have been lost in the post.

In old news - I've remembered I'm not especially good at this point in the year. It was brought home to me because I'm working for a new head of year at school and every time he's seen me this week, he's asked if I'm ok.... the last two years I've worked for HoY's who knew why I don't do well and have just accepted it. I can't bring myself to explain, to someone who doesn't need to know why Feb is so hard; but I might just hide next week.

I can't help but remember that miscarriage. I allow myself some space at this time of year, it is my time to grieve, it is only now and an odd day in October when I let myself dwell.

It doesn't take away from what we've got. It doesn't alter how much I love our boy. I cannot tell you how much he has enriched our lives - and I've said many times before we are truly blessed by our boy. But... at this time of year my thoughts turn to those what might have beens.

Birthday madness....

It was boy-o's birthday last week - we had a lovely day; lots of presents, happy people and cake. But we didn't have a party - which is a little controversial amongst some of the Mums that I socialise with... we didn't have a party for a really good reason - but we did spend the afternoon with people that we all love - even boy-o loves them.

Last year just before he came home to us his foster carers had a party - both a goodbye and an early birthday party rolled into one. Included in this was lots of presents for him. And I don't mind, I think his foster carers are fab; but it has left us with a little problem.

Boy-o seems to associate presents with moving on; parties more so. At Christmas we managed to space things out, so it wasn't a big day, just a day with presents and some family visitors. At the start of January he was baptised and we had a celebration of that and his adoption - this brought about 4 weeks of interrupted nights - waking up screaming and shouting.

His birthday has had the same response, but not as extreme. I've not had an uninterrupted nights sleep since.... he has cried 'stay with mummy, stay with daddy' repeatedly. He has woken up screaming and shaking. The nights when I've been at work during the day are worst... we had a review day last Wed; and he'd woken up about 15times in the night - I had to spend the day talking to parents with virtually no sleep!

He knows we love him, he knows when we ask him that he is staying with us 'ever' (forever). But I don't think he understands... and I don't know how to help him understand. His behaviour has been worse - lack of sleep perhaps -and my patience has been thin - definitely lack of sleep. I've got to the point that I want him to be ill, so I don't have to take him to the childminders and I don't have to go to work. How mad is that? and I want him to catch the bug that's going round so we can have it. He needs some time with us, and it's only another week until we have 2 weeks together.

Obviously I don't want him ill, but I want to help him get past this. He has issues with been left and although he loves preschool, and his childminders; at the moment he will cry for extra kisses and cuddles. I can't not leave him when he starts as that seems like a slippery slope - but I do hate it.

Another bridge to cross - more work needed on reassurance.

We will get there.... I am confident. In the future we will have birthdays and parties and all sorts of such jolliness; but I need to help him deal with this now - and I don't know how!

February

February has been a funny month for the last few years - and as I prepare to face this week, knowing that it's the anniversary of my worst miscarriage; but equally knowing that the end of the month will bring about the anniversary of meeting our boy...I feel strange. I want to cry about what might have been, but that takes away from the joy of my boy.

Nothing takes away from what might have been, and time doesn't heal, it just helps you find ways to deal with it. Those babies were precious, as were all the others, but it is this miscarriage that I remember more than any other. Knowing that 5 years ago, I had hope of an entirely different ending to our story.

And yet... I can't imagine any other outcome. I love my boy, I can't think of how I could have loved a birth child more. He is our child, and whilst I wish for him that he had been able to have been brought up by his birth family; I'm glad he's ours.

And yet...I wonder what might have been, who those children would have grown to be. Whether they'd be tall and skinny like M, or shorter and chubbier like me. Would they have liked what we like, would we have cherished their joy of the world, of being outside. Would we have a girl who liked doing craft like me. Would we have a boy who wants to explore how the world works like M. Who would those children have been.

And yet... we are blessed beyond measure. Our boy, is such a boy. He loves being outside and will just run around with the joy of it. He is not afraid of anything (except us leaving him). He finds joy in each new day and each new experience. Everywhere he goes people smile, because he smiles. He is making me grow, because with him I have to be a better person.

And yet... sometimes when I am with my friends with the children born in the month before ours would have been, I wonder. Would their children be good friends with ours. Would they be experiencing everything new with them.

And yet... boy-o loves those children. If you ask him who his friends are... two out of the three (the ones he sees most often) are mentioned...always. Other friends vary, but he loves spending time with those children. He plays so well with them. Perhaps if they had been closer in age it would have been different.

And time passes. The pain becomes easier to absorb. The knowledge of our boy is great, and the shadows are fading. As those potential children become older... I lose sight of them more often. They become more ghost like... a presence rather than actual beings. But I can't forget them totally, they will always be there, waiting in the shadows.

look how far we've come...

I wasn't going to post tonight, but I felt a need to. Please look at my previous post for a quick ICLW intro and questions about pushchairs!

This time last year we'd just been approved to adopt. I'm presently typing one handed as our son is curled up on me. He is asleep but if I try to move him, he'll wake up and start crying. He's been to bed but coughed himself awake, and got into a real state. 'Mummy, mummy, mummy' all he would say until he fell asleep on my lap. Dreams do come true!

I'm sitting here reflecting on the last six weeks, in actual fact the last eight weeks. I'm writing this as boy-o is sitting eating his lunch. I've given him lots of finger food today - cucumber and carrot sticks, chicken bits, bread sticks, grapes and apple. He seems to be eating most of it, although the carrot isn't going down very well - that's because he's lazy!

I started a post two weeks ago, when he turned two and 1 month... just to list his amazing accomplishments - sadly I didn't manage to finish it. He has developed lots since we have known him. He's gone from having about 20 words to having nearer 50. Yesterday he told the dog to 'sit' - or near enough that we knew what he meant. He also has developed some two word sentences - we quite often get told to 'sit ere' with appropriate pointing. Some of his pronunciation needs to catch up with what he thinks he can do, but he knows how to communicate what he wants clearly enough.

His walking has come on dramatically. When he first came home he was unsteady; but because we like to walk, and we've only got him (not plus another toddler and a baby), he has been walking with us. We take Pepper dog for a walk most days, and although he can't manage the whole walk, and rides on his Daddy's shoulders for some of it, he is walking more and more.

The night terrors are no longer a nightly occurrence. We've had some nights where he has slept all the way through without a wake up, and some nights when he's just been a little disturbed. He does still wake up screaming and shaking some nights, but usually when we have done something different. M and I discuss who is going to go to him when he wakes about 10ish, because we both love sitting and holding him, and comforting him. We never dreamt that the chair that we put in his room would get the use that it is.

He knows that we are Mummy and Daddy. He looks to us for comfort and security. He is happy to be with people that he is starting to get to know, but will still look back and check where we are. When entering a room with people that he doesn't know - he likes to be held by one of us, or alternatively will hide behind our legs.

He has had some proper two year old tantrums. 'I want to do this, but you won't let me'. Unfortunately for us, his cry is no different to any other time. We stick to our guns, no you can't have that, but generally I will sit and cuddle him, and comfort him. 'I know you are cross because we won't let you do... but we can't because...' or 'I'm sorry that you feel so cross and sad about...'. Empathy, empathy, empathy - for everything in this house.

We continue to make mistakes, back up, have a think and re-evaluate. M and I were saying only yesterday that we still have time to sort these problems out. The last eight weeks has been unbelievable hard on all of us, but M and I expected that. It's also brought us more joy and delight than we can possibly explain.

Does it take the pain of IF away? How can it, those lessons are deeply ingrained on my heart. But my heart is big and growing each day - I can be happy and sad. I can still feel the pain and regret that there are things I will never experience, see and have. But the process of getting to know boy-o isn't second best, it isn't a replacement, it's just a joy and a delight of it's very own. I know that we made the right decision for us - stopping treatments, before we were permanently broken and pursuing adoption. I know that boy-o is the child that was destined for us; we are so incredibly lucky and blessed - and I shall forever have that blessing.

Thank you for all your comments on my last post, I feel like things have improved over this week. Although we had an hour awake last night, it was mostly between 10 & 11 o'clock, so although I went to sleep late, at least my night wasn't very disturbed. We keep on hugging the boy, and telling him that it's okay. And we'll continue like this.

I am feeling better than I was earlier in the week as well.... although I fully expect it to unravel again. I was helped by having my Social worker validate how I was feeling, trapped and isolated. How when she had her first child she spent 6 months working towards getting her life back. And whilst I don't feel that I am missing my previous life too much at the moment; it was good to hear. She also asked how I felt about boy-o's social worker and could I talk to her, when I pulled a face, she arranged another visit next week. She spent about 45mins talking to me and playing with boy-o.

I got a text from a follow adoptive mum, someone that we met on our preparation course. She'd told me that the second day that her DH went back to work she was in tears. That made me feel better, because although I hadn't cried, I was wondering whether I could actually cope.

I had a visit from a friend on Thursday morning. We were out when she came, so she walked to meet us. We then took boy-o to the park and played on the swings and the slide. We then finally came home, and played outside in the back garden. All this meant that boy-o was relaxed by the time she left. She also has lots of experience of young boys, and therefore was able to say - 'it's okay, don't you remember when...'

I've felt like I've coped better these past couple of days.... I really do. It might have helped M had done a couple of late nights so that I could get more sleep. It's the weekend now, we are both here for the next two days. We'll see how we do next week.

snippets...

In no particular order - things I need to say:

Adoption approval panel - booked for 18th Oct, which everyone but us thinks is a long way away, but we were thinking Nov!

Got more paper work to fill in, what about this, what about that.

Got a spare bedroom, and a second spare bedroom! We have reorganised things, so that what was our study is now ready to become a child's bedroom. We sat in there earlier in the week planning.... it felt real.

Phone call from a long time friend last night. She was told yesterday morning that she is post-menopausal -not what you want to hear when you are 32. You also possibly don't want to hear 'well what about...' or 'well you never wanted to children' or many other 'helpful things'. I just sat on the phone and cried and swore with her, because there is nothing else to do or say.

In dog house with M... supposed to be going to his sister's tomorrow to build a wall around her patio. For a variety of reasons it would be easier for her if we don't take our dog. Her suggestion leave with M's elderly parents for the weekend, where she isn't allowed out in the back garden without being on a lead (it's not dog proofed). She won't get more than a 10min walk all weekend. We are going away next weekend, and have already asked them to look after her that weekend, because I am at home the week following. I can't leave her there 2 weekends in a row, it's not fair on her or his parents. He is refusing to argue with his sister - I've given two other alternatives, neither of which he is happy about, either I stay home with her, or we go only for the day, not the weekend. He is presently not talking to me!

I only have one more week at school for this year, in fact 4 1/2 days to go. Then a weekend in London, nieces for a week, and one week away, that leaves 3 weeks of me time! Hopefully it will be the last time!

grumpy and moody

Sometimes it is hard to shake what you've lived through;

times when someone is moaning about their children
times when someone announces their pregnancy (on facebook no less)
times when I am forced to go back through our infertility journey
times when I am asked when I felt when I miscarried and how we coped
times when you are tired anyway and sleep will not come
times when you realise that you are changed completely from where you started

I'm looking for some positivity from somewhere, and it's hard to find this week. I've been horrid to work with, because I've been grumpy, and I can't shake it. I've been wondering around unable to settle to anything.

Here's hoping tomorrow will be a better day...

getting rid of ideas...

I've just read a post at Mel's and it reflected so accurately my melancholy but from a different angle.

She talks about the heart ache of giving away her precious baby stuff that she has stored as her twins have outgrown it for when they add to their family. About how much giving those things away means accepting that for them that part of the journey is over (at least for now). It's about how we attach so much longing to these things, that others, the more fertile in the world, may never understand.

For me, I'm still going around the 'I'm never going to pregnant' roundabout. I will feel fine about it, and then suddenly there it is again. I have to accept that I will never get pregnant without medical treatment. That I can't put me, or M or our emotional well being through that cycle of destruction again. That I will never have a new born baby in my arms that belongs to us.

And it's not helped by the people who surround me. 'Well you can always try again', or 'perhaps you'll get pregnant once you've adopted' have been comments made by our families. I'm trying hard to educate people about adoption in the UK - we won't adopt a new born, if we were exceedingly lucky we could adopt a 6 month old, but more generally children are about 18months to 2 years when they are adopted (if not older).

Much as Mel has got to get rid of all the physical presence of what might never be, I have to get my head around the emotional presence. And I that I will get there, but will I ever get to the point where I will lose that longing for what might have been?

I sat at Brownies last week helping them make Mothering Sunday presents for their Mums. And one girl, said 'I feel sorry for Auntie G... because she never gets anything on Mother's day' and I had to smile and say, 'I know'. It's hard because not only at that moment did I feel my pain, but also Auntie G's (who by the way I know). I know that adoption will build our family - but will it repair the hurt that infertility has caused - because that's what I long for.

random thoughts

And as a break from adoption talk...

I love that I have a friend who texts me a message on the anniversary of having my miscarriage confirmed. She has done it every year for the past 3. She doesn't forget. And that is such an important thing, that my little beans aren't forgotten.

Most of my friends couldn't tell you what day my miscarriage was confirmed. I think that most of them know that it happened around this time - partially because I was due to have a scan on my 30th birthday. It's a grim awful reminder to me; I can't forget. I remember going into work and bumping into someone who knew that I should have been having a scan and they just looked at me and I burst into tears. It was hard because it was the first day back after a holiday, and I couldn't let anyone know.

I remember that my boss had gone out to celebrate the birth of her first daughter with some people from work. That she had let slip that I'd just had a treatment cycle, and she assumed it hadn't worked. Someone who knew said to her subtly that actually it had, I'd had a positive test. And it ended up with everyone there knowing that I was pregnant. Except I miscarried, and so that someone had to run around everyone who knew and tell them that I wasn't. And to this day I don't know who knew - and I know two people, who had the politeness to come up to me and tell me, but I don't know who else! At this late point it doesn't actually matter.

I am starting to let more people know about our adoption plans. Not lots, not everyone, because I can't bear to be asked how it is going. But the number of people who know is growing. I'm still processing a lot of information, so expect more adoption talk to happen shortly.