Life and Loss

Once again I've written a lot of posts in my head in the past month... but somehow they have not made it here. But I am determined to start writing again... partly to clear my head, and partly to record what is happening, so that I can look back and say things have improved.

And I think that's where I should start...things have improved. In the day to day living it's still hard, but it is improving. It's not easy, but no-one said it would be... but it's getting more normal.

This weeks #WASO optional theme is LOSS, which seems to be a good place to start... at the moment we are all in this house suffering with loss.

M & I are suffering with the loss of sleep... which is pretty insignificant compared to my boys. It's also the time of year, when my head turns to all the loss that we lived through and grieved in our journey to this point. The pregnancy that I got furtherest through, would have been due round about now... we could have a 6 year old or two running around. I don't mourn that alternative life, because without that, we couldn't be here, but I do have to reflect on the fact that we started this journey of adoption from a place of loss.

My boys have both suffered loss.. huge overwhelming loss... from the time that a judge decided that their birth families couldn't parent them, their lives have been about loss and we are presently living with the effects of that loss.

Adoption is surrounded by loss.... our loss of dreams, my boys loss of birth family and their history, birth family loss. And this isn't a quick healed loss... I never, ever, ever adovate that old saying 'time heals everything' because it doesn't... time gives us the tools to cope with whatever life brings, but it doesn't heal, the wounds are there, and be can opened at any moment.

In the immediacy my Jelly is grieving the loss of his foster family, even though he is tiny and seems to be doing okay. He is very independent and doesn't NEED us, which is something that we are doing a lot of work on. To be fair to him, he does now seek me out when he wants something, so he is starting to need us. He has lost the contact with his foster family and his birth family... and it all happened close together. He's too little to know what those loses will cause, and we hope for the best, and prepare for the hard work!

Boyo is also grieving at the minute, which is making his life very hard. Going through the intros for Jelly stirred up a whole pile of emotions for him, which he has struggled to verbalise, but has shown us through his behaviour. He repeatedly tells me when I collect him from school (at dinnertime still) that he has missed me and not seen me for ages, which is as close as I am going to get to an admission that he is worried I won't collect him.

Boyo is insecure and suffers with separation anxiety. Not been with us is incredibly hard for him, and when he isn't with us, he is always more aware... this is why school is such a challenge for him... it's very hard to know where 59 other children and 7 or 8 adults are at all times. As much as we have been able to piece together with him, for him, he is convinced he will loose us too, and therefore wants to be with us... and needs us to feel safe. We spend a lot of time talking about who is safe and can be trusted... childminder, teacher, his support assistant... in the hopes that the repeating the message will ease some of the anxiety and help him relax more.

The effects of loss on adoption children is not well understood. As adoptive parents through, we live with those effects. Each day an adventure, and a puzzle to solve.

Old problem revisited.

So after an ill week last week, with boy-o been with either myself or M all week; today he went back to the childminders.

There were tears this morning before he was dropped off. There were tears when he was picked up - and 2 1/2 hours into tonights sleep, there has been shaking and screaming already. Ever think I shouldn't have gone back to work.

I can explain it, I can understand it, but I can't help him. I wish I could. I'm thinking of ordering a photo-pillow case, so that he has our image with him at all night.

I wish that I could reassure him, that although we have to leave him, we will always come back. He is with us for good... Last night I read our 'Owl Babies' book - with the key message, Mummys always come back. Tonight we had 'We belong together'. And he knows - but I come back again to the 'does he understand what it means?'

Nothing more we can do for the moment, except give him what he needs, reassurance!

Birthday madness....

It was boy-o's birthday last week - we had a lovely day; lots of presents, happy people and cake. But we didn't have a party - which is a little controversial amongst some of the Mums that I socialise with... we didn't have a party for a really good reason - but we did spend the afternoon with people that we all love - even boy-o loves them.

Last year just before he came home to us his foster carers had a party - both a goodbye and an early birthday party rolled into one. Included in this was lots of presents for him. And I don't mind, I think his foster carers are fab; but it has left us with a little problem.

Boy-o seems to associate presents with moving on; parties more so. At Christmas we managed to space things out, so it wasn't a big day, just a day with presents and some family visitors. At the start of January he was baptised and we had a celebration of that and his adoption - this brought about 4 weeks of interrupted nights - waking up screaming and shouting.

His birthday has had the same response, but not as extreme. I've not had an uninterrupted nights sleep since.... he has cried 'stay with mummy, stay with daddy' repeatedly. He has woken up screaming and shaking. The nights when I've been at work during the day are worst... we had a review day last Wed; and he'd woken up about 15times in the night - I had to spend the day talking to parents with virtually no sleep!

He knows we love him, he knows when we ask him that he is staying with us 'ever' (forever). But I don't think he understands... and I don't know how to help him understand. His behaviour has been worse - lack of sleep perhaps -and my patience has been thin - definitely lack of sleep. I've got to the point that I want him to be ill, so I don't have to take him to the childminders and I don't have to go to work. How mad is that? and I want him to catch the bug that's going round so we can have it. He needs some time with us, and it's only another week until we have 2 weeks together.

Obviously I don't want him ill, but I want to help him get past this. He has issues with been left and although he loves preschool, and his childminders; at the moment he will cry for extra kisses and cuddles. I can't not leave him when he starts as that seems like a slippery slope - but I do hate it.

Another bridge to cross - more work needed on reassurance.

We will get there.... I am confident. In the future we will have birthdays and parties and all sorts of such jolliness; but I need to help him deal with this now - and I don't know how!