random thoughts

And as a break from adoption talk...

I love that I have a friend who texts me a message on the anniversary of having my miscarriage confirmed. She has done it every year for the past 3. She doesn't forget. And that is such an important thing, that my little beans aren't forgotten.

Most of my friends couldn't tell you what day my miscarriage was confirmed. I think that most of them know that it happened around this time - partially because I was due to have a scan on my 30th birthday. It's a grim awful reminder to me; I can't forget. I remember going into work and bumping into someone who knew that I should have been having a scan and they just looked at me and I burst into tears. It was hard because it was the first day back after a holiday, and I couldn't let anyone know.

I remember that my boss had gone out to celebrate the birth of her first daughter with some people from work. That she had let slip that I'd just had a treatment cycle, and she assumed it hadn't worked. Someone who knew said to her subtly that actually it had, I'd had a positive test. And it ended up with everyone there knowing that I was pregnant. Except I miscarried, and so that someone had to run around everyone who knew and tell them that I wasn't. And to this day I don't know who knew - and I know two people, who had the politeness to come up to me and tell me, but I don't know who else! At this late point it doesn't actually matter.

I am starting to let more people know about our adoption plans. Not lots, not everyone, because I can't bear to be asked how it is going. But the number of people who know is growing. I'm still processing a lot of information, so expect more adoption talk to happen shortly.