Wednesday, 15 July 2009

shadows of darkness...

It's strange to think that this time last year I had just had my last fresh ICSI cycle and returned to work with yet another negative. It's strange to think about that passing of time, which in some respects seems such a long time, but equally has passed in the blink of an eye.

It's come back to me today, because I've been running around so busy for the past few weeks, and then today, although I should have been busy preparing for next year, I was distracted and not getting on. And I was thinking back to last year at this time, the fact that I'd returned to work before I was ready to cope, and that I although there were some good things that happened (giving up my responsibility was the best decision I made in all that pain), it was an awful time.

I've been looking back today for a couple of reasons; one I was discussing camera's with a colleague and friend at work, and knew that I had some pictures on my blog that demonstrated what I wanted to show her, so logged in. Which obviously started a conversation about the blog, which I said was my way of coping and that not many people who actually know me (IRL) are allowed to read it. Hopefully because I explained it was infertility this and infertility that she won't go looking for it and if she does I don't think she'll find it anyway. She's not that sort of person - and if she ever should find the blog and reads this, I hope she'll tell me, or at least not tell anyone else.

The second reason was because I was sat with a good friend of mine who is pregnant for a second time chatting. And we were talking about our old deputy who used to be such a comfort to both of us (her first baby is a clomid & met baby) who I saw recently and whilst I was chatting he admitted that the reason he understood so well was that his daughter was going through the same thing.

All of which (coupled with the hormones) has made me more melancholy than I wanted to be. And I can't help but reflect on the hope that I had then, and the fact that I am working to accept that I will never have our genetic child. We will push on, but I think I have to accept that every so often there will be a shadow of darkness. That whilst I am doing ok (well even) on a day to day basis - that sometimes it will all be a little too much, that there will be times when I need to sit and cry for what might have been.

But I shall look forward, a holiday followed by the gentle movement forwards on our adoption journey hopefully.

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