Thursday, 20 August 2009

Show-and-tell: The end of an era...

I've been sitting looking at the bits in this photo for days; I cleaned my fridge out earlier this week, and I knew that these were in there, but I had become blind to them. But it seems fitting to take a photo, before I dispose of them. The end of one chapter, the start of another.

The injectables that I haven't yet got rid off - 7 years of infertility, 7 IVF/ICSI cycles reduced to 2 preloaded syringes of Orgalutran, 1 Puregon pen with some Puregon still inside it and 2 needles and finally 1 ampule of Pregnyl (hCg trigger shot) that I didn't use. It's not very much to represent so much heart ache and so many tears.

And I know it's not a clear picture - but taking it reduced me to tears. Because even though I know that we are doing the right thing by moving on to adoption, I am still sad that I will never, ever get to be pregnant. One of those things that you take for granted growing up - that you will get pregnant and have children - won't ever come true for me. And I've had plenty of people tell me that pregnancy isn't so great - but I would have liked the opportunity to find that out for myself.

I will take them to the hospital next time I go, and ask them to dispose of them. Clearing the infertility drugs from my fridge seems like such a huge step for such a tiny job. But they will go and I will re-focus on the path in front of me.

Don't forget to visit Mel's to see who else is taking part in Show-And-Tell this week.


Lin said...

(((HUGS))) Cleaning out is good in the end, but is sometimes so painful in the middle. Clean breaks aren't always possible and sometimes are minds and hearts need to dwell for a bit.

areyoukiddingme said...

Endings are so difficult, especially since results are not yet clear at the new beginnings. Lots of luck.

Kristin said...

Lots of {{{HUGS}}} and prayers for peace of mind for you. Transition like that are so difficult.

Billy said...

It is so sad when a dream, a simple dream not even thought of as as a child, is shatterd in front of our eyes. And the cleaning of the fridge.. the last evidence of what was, what could have been. Sending another big hug.

Jenn said...

I am sending you a very simple yet warm hug.

I am sorry you are at this place....

I have been there myself...that place of letting go of your original hopes & and expectations for your family.

Hopefully you will transition through to new hopes and expectations for your family building journey with ease and grace.


Alison said...

Telling a woman who can't get pregnant that pregnancy isn't that great anyways is like telling a blind person that the grand canyon is just a hole.
As a woman you grow up imagining your children, seeing other pregnant bellies and "knowing" one day that will be you.
It is hard to move on but I'm thinking cleaning those out of your fridge can possibly be cathartic.



HC said...

I am so glad I saw this post. These exact things lie in my fridge too , yet to be cleared out. I have been procrastinating, not having the strength to do that yet. You give me the courage to face the chapter of my life thats over and build a new one with new expectations. Thanks so much.

Fertility Chick said...

Moments of transition are so full of emotion.

I wish you all the very best at the end of an era - as you stand at the cusp of a new beginning.