My week in summary.

The last week has been difficult... in many ways!

Not least because someone else that I know found my blog... and told one of my closest mates (who doesn't read it) and I whilst wouldn't have any issues with her reading it at all, that's two people in a few weeks. So I have removed a lot of posts - they are saved in draft form, and I can read them whenever, but I'm sorry, they are no longer accessible to anyone else. I'm having to take some serious decisions about writing a blog - and at the moment I can't think about it. And no - I don't care that the person who found me, has read it, although in a text conversation she did say, that once she realised it was me, she did back out.

My grandmother died at the end of last week. And whilst I am upset, she had dementia... for the last 3 years she has rarely recognised any of us. I have visited her and been all sorts of people - from her history, but also  random people. The next to last time that I visited her, she recognised me, and remembered that I had a little boy... she asked to see a photo. It is a memory I shall carry with me.

The difficulties that are involved - my aunt has decided that she has to be cremated and we have to have a thanksgiving in the area that she grew up... down in Suffolk. My mum would have liked her to be cremated near here, where she was living, and then have a internment of the ashes and thanksgiving in Suffolk at a later date.

So I have to visit Suffolk, it's too long to travel in a day, plus the timing isn't great. I can't take boyo to the funeral, I can't leave him with anyone apart from M. If we had been here, I could have left him with friends or childminder for a few hours, but we can't do that. We are all going south, but only I can go to the cremation and thanksgiving service.

It's been difficult as my Mum (although it was my Dad's mum) has been arguing with my aunt about it. And my aunt has felt awful. On Wed I had texts and emails from both of them which I could not deal with, as I was trying hard to prepare my a level students for their exam. I nearly lost it at lunchtime when I received a text demanding that I phone my Mum immediately... I didn't, I went and had my lunch with some work friends and turned my phone off.

And this has been the story of my week - nothing simple, all high emotions and difficult decisions. And next week isn't promising to be a great deal better...more work than I know what to do with. A level exam on Wed, which means very stressed y13's on Tues. Gathering information that I want boyo's teacher to have for next year. Pre school committee meeting. And making sure that I have sorted out all the issues with taking a boy who doesn't deal with change to a hotel for a few nights!

Food...baking one of our favourite activities

Boy-o, as I've said so many times needs sensory input...

One of the things he really loves to do, is to make biscuits; making the dough with our hands fills his need for tactile input. Rolling the dough and cutting biscuits is also good fun. Then the best bit, decorating them.

This may not be the best picture - but it's some that I have a picture of!

Our biscuit recipe
3oz plain flour
2oz butter
1oz sugar
1/2 teaspoon of mixed spice/ginger/cinnamon if you feel like it!
Dash of milk

Put the butter, flour, sugar and spice (if using) into a bowl and mix with your hands. It should go breadcrumb like, then all lump together. If it's too dry add a little milk.

Flour your surface and roll and cut, and roll and cut.... tip - it won't take too much working, I also do half the mixture and add to it.

Put your cut biscuits onto an oven tray (line it with greaseproof) and cook for 10-12 mins at 170 oC (in my oven at least). When the biscuits start to look brown, take them out, and allow to cool on a cooling rack.

Make icing - we use glace (water) icing. Divide your icing into small bowls, and add colour. Spread on biscuits and add sprinkles! Eat at least 2, before you've finished!

Boy-o loves this activity, he can do most of it, including measuring out ingredients with help. He can mix. He can roll, he can cut out. He's not so good at transferring to a baking tray, or positioning cutters! I tend to put the icing on, whilst he decorates!

Decision made - and link made

I need to write; and the aspects of thinking about blogging and where to blog are driving me around the bend at the moment!

We had a visit today... two social workers came to call! We have a definite link, we have a date for approval panel, we have a date for matching panel (it's not when I wanted it -but what was best for child's social worker). 

We have a link... can I tell you that again, we have a link. 

We decided, after a lot of thinking and hearts to go with our guts; because my head at least refused to make a decision. We are going with boy-o's cousin (need a blog name). There are many reasons for this, which I cannot and will not sure here. 

So now, we sit and twiddle our thumbs whilst his social worker gets her act together... although to be fair; she is the second social worker this child has had since we started talking about him, and the third in total. I wasn't impressed, I get the feeling that she will need to be pushed all the way - thank goodness for our amazing social worker. 

Now, we have to spread the news that we have a link, and that we have another child (who still needs a blog name) who will come and live with us soon - I'm not going back to work in September soon! 

And in a slightly bizarre twist of fate... we know where he is presently; we know his foster parent's next door neighbour and someone in this house might have gone to see next door neighbour whilst I was at work on Tues, and might have seen foster carer (who knew who he was) and small boy playing. Someone might even have been invited round so that boy-o could see their tortoises. Not that I am jealous! 

And in M's defence - what little there is - he had gone round to see next door neighbour to pre-warn her what was going on, and to ask her a favour. Because our big worry is that when M's mum find's out where this child is, she will go rushing round to her friend's house (next door neighbour) and demand to be taken next door to see child. M would not have done it if we weren't 100% sure that this child is coming to us - there is no way the family finder (we love her too) and our social worker will let this one go. It is the right decision. 

I have unofficially been told that neither our social worker or the foster carer would care if I happened to walk by their house and peer into the garden sometime soon! 

Why I blog...

Again this week, I faced a 'ummm' moment about blogging and why I blog - I'm not going into why I had the moment, but felt it was time to reflect on the blogging aspect again.

My blog has always been my space; the place where I empty my head and heart without driving M round the bend. That means that what is written is written because at the moment I am writing it, it needs to come out of my head. That those thoughts and feelings need to be put down and thought about, because there comes a point when M can't just listen anymore and needs (man like) to start fixing...

I don't blog to have a huge following - although comments are always nice. I know people read my blog, a few are real-life friends, most are people I've 'met' through the internet, some through infertility and more recently through adoption. It's wonderful to share, but first and foremost this is my space - my spot on the internet - and most people who read would pass me on the street and not know that I am that blogger.

It is wonderful to read others stories, to hear - yes, us too - as you go through another moment. In adoption there are moments that sometimes only people educated in adoption issues would get - therefore it's good to share those stories; and hear others ideas. That is one of the reasons I share.

But to bring this round again - this is my space, if you have read something here that upsets you, or you have read something here that that I might not have told you...this is my space to empty to my head. Nothing is written with any intention of causing hurt, it is just written to empty my head.

And yet this week, I considered walking away  - and in all honesty I might still do that.