Sunday, 25 April 2010

What If

The fantastic Mel (with Resolve) has another project up and running.
And this is my answer to a question; although I started out to answer another question...

What if I can never just be happy with what I have and stop being angry, bitter, and sad about what I do not?

I remember I once very angrily stating to a close friend that 'I am a failure'. I got such a look of horror and shock and a talk about how I am not a failure. And yet I am a failure at one of the core roles that society has given to women, I cannot get pregnant in anything approaching a normal manner, and when I got pregnant I miscarried. I am not a proper woman.

And even now, that is my core belief. And that's the thing with infertility, it changes those core beliefs about yourself. Once, in what seems like another lifetime, I was young, carefree, happy, married and excited about where life was going to take us. And that is gone; and I'm fearful that I might never be carefree, happy and excited about life again.

That core belief has the effect of making me bitter and sad. It's that core belief of failure, and not accepting that my way is going to be as good (although different) that causes me to cry when I see new babies, or hear that someone is pregnant. Even though we have our plan; I still get sad when I think about how easily what I want with every fibre of my being has come to other people.

I get angry, I get irrationally angry. And the angry comes and fades with no warning. That's not normal, but it's my new normal. I can't help what is, I just have to accept it. And that's scary, because what if I never achieve the peace that I find. That whilst I do have peace for a time, it comes and goes.

I can't believe, even at these moments of moving forwards, that I will ever be the same person again. That all the pain will somehow fade; and I can become that care free person again. And whilst there are parts of me now that are ugly and nasty, there are also some good things that have come from the pain.

What if this is a learning curve? What if I have learnt more empathy? What if because of this I am a better person?

If you want to know more
about infertility - visit resolve
about National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW)
the what if questions


Willow said...

I so know what you mean. I do feel like less of a woman because I will likely never get pregnant with my own eggs. I am angry and bitter that this has happened to me when I know so many people who get pregnant the instant they start trying. I too long for the happy and carefree young woman I was when this journey began. I don't think I'll ever get her back. I just turned 30 and because of IF, I feel so OLD. But I do know that part of why I went through this is to lead me to adoption, and I see that your path has taken you there too! Our son, who joined our family through open a year ago, is the greatest joy of our lives. We wouldn't have him if not for all we have suffered, and so I can't wish away any part of our journey, however painful, because it led us to him (I think of the song "Broken Road" a lot ;) ) Good luck with your next steps, and thank you so much for your comment on my blog!

Sonja said...

I could definitely relate to your post.