Wednesday, 7 April 2010

Adoption and God

I'm beginning to see the attracting of Wordpress - in that whole 'password protect post' kind of way... but I'm staying here for the moment, accepting that I'm not going to be able to write the post that I need to write at the moment.

In other news...

I spent a little time last night with one of my friends, she is always brutally honest and whenever I am with her, when it's just us, I still end up in tears (more often than not she joins me). We both accept that this is the way that things need to be, because it is healing. She started the conversation off with...

'that text was from A, she was were you are for a long time, but she came down on the lucky side of the fence. Actually she got the card 'you're going to be a mother' card that I brought. I kept thinking that I should have got 2 and then your luck might have changed.'

I responsed that it seems unlikely that my luck would have been any different whether or not she had brought two cards.

We then started talking about adoption, and got onto the whole God thing. How this is God's plan for me - in her view... and whilst I have a strong belief in God (and yes it has waivered), I am of the strong opinion that this isn't God's plan for me. How could a loving, caring God have a plan that means so much pain and hurt? I just accept now that 'this is what is', that whilst God is there, and he is a loving God, he has no control over what has happened, to my way of thinking the doctors at the hospital are better people to question over this.

She looked at me quizzically, and I explained the following to her:
that she'd said within the first 5 mins of the conversation that 'we are going to be amazing parents' and how if that was the case, is it that we still aren't parents? That what we have gone through cannot be God's plan, because how can a loving caring God, cause me (and so many others) to suffer through infertility, and whilst we might eventually be able to adopt a child, that isn't the outcome for everybody. How can this possibly be God's plan? 'this is what is'

She acknowledged what I said - but I know that I didn't explain myself enough to convince her. I know that (hopefully) at some point we will have our family. Is it what we dreamed of, no, because if it was why would we have put ourselves through so much. Is it the right thing for us now, yes. BUT that does not make it the right thing for everyone.


SassyCupcakes said...

I hear you. I don't believe that any God would put anyone through infertility for any reason. And when it comes to adoption, there's so much loss for everyone involved that I find it unsettling when people thank God for what they've gained when wouldn't he also be responsible for what was lost? And can you really say that it's worth the loss? I don't think so.

It's all so complicated. I'm sorry your faith has been challenged and that you can't blog the way you want to. I'm a fan of Wordpress passwords but it has it's downsides too.

Becky said...

Thank you so much for your comment!

The question of where God is and what part He has in the pain and suffering of this world is such a difficult one. I really had to wrestle with this question after we lost our baby (conceived through IVF after 4 years of infertility). I certainly don't have all the answers, but I have settled this question for myself. I won't go into my opinions about it (seems inappropriate for a first comment!), but I am happy to share if you are interested.

I look forward to following your journey towards adoption.

Lost in Space said...

My question for people who use the "God's will" cliche is "So do you have a direct link to God? How do YOU know that is His will for me?" I think it is one of those things people say out of habit when they aren't quite sure how to respond to a difficult situation. I think it comforts them more...

I'm sorry you even had to try to explain yourself. It's frustrating enough to question these things on our own without input from others.

Tammy said...

I would have to agree that I can't wrap my head around the whole idea of "meant to be" or "this is God's will for you" in adoption either. And believe me, I've thought about it alot. As you say, that would mean it was God's will for you to suffer the heartache as you have, and that just doesn't jive with the God I know. It would also mean that it would be God's will for another woman to suffer as well, through the agonizing decision of reliquishing her child for adoption, or it would mean that a child suffers as well, as they lose their original family when they are placed in another home. So yeah, I'm with you on this line of thinking.

That said, as a mom through adoption, and a woman of faith, I have come to accept the fact that God moves in ways we can't understand. I've come to accept the fact that we are Plan B for our children who were placed in our home through the decisions of their first parents. And Plan B isn't bad, it can be a good thing as we work to make the most of a difficult decision and situation to give our kids what they need to be who they are created to be. And accept the fact that God's Plan A doesn't work out and sometimes, as hard as it is in the process, embracing Plan B with all its struggles and stresses, can be a wonderful thing.

Best of everything on your journey!

Here from ICLW