I'm beginning to see the attracting of Wordpress - in that whole 'password protect post' kind of way... but I'm staying here for the moment, accepting that I'm not going to be able to write the post that I need to write at the moment.
In other news...
I spent a little time last night with one of my friends, she is always brutally honest and whenever I am with her, when it's just us, I still end up in tears (more often than not she joins me). We both accept that this is the way that things need to be, because it is healing. She started the conversation off with...
'that text was from A, she was were you are for a long time, but she came down on the lucky side of the fence. Actually she got the card 'you're going to be a mother' card that I brought. I kept thinking that I should have got 2 and then your luck might have changed.'
I responsed that it seems unlikely that my luck would have been any different whether or not she had brought two cards.
We then started talking about adoption, and got onto the whole God thing. How this is God's plan for me - in her view... and whilst I have a strong belief in God (and yes it has waivered), I am of the strong opinion that this isn't God's plan for me. How could a loving, caring God have a plan that means so much pain and hurt? I just accept now that 'this is what is', that whilst God is there, and he is a loving God, he has no control over what has happened, to my way of thinking the doctors at the hospital are better people to question over this.
She looked at me quizzically, and I explained the following to her:
that she'd said within the first 5 mins of the conversation that 'we are going to be amazing parents' and how if that was the case, is it that we still aren't parents? That what we have gone through cannot be God's plan, because how can a loving caring God, cause me (and so many others) to suffer through infertility, and whilst we might eventually be able to adopt a child, that isn't the outcome for everybody. How can this possibly be God's plan? 'this is what is'
She acknowledged what I said - but I know that I didn't explain myself enough to convince her. I know that (hopefully) at some point we will have our family. Is it what we dreamed of, no, because if it was why would we have put ourselves through so much. Is it the right thing for us now, yes. BUT that does not make it the right thing for everyone.
12 hours ago