Sunday, 18 January 2009

Listening but...

Sometimes people listen – but don’t actually hear. I was discussing with a fellow infertile (for which you can read also failed IVFer) at work last week about some rubbish that was going on in my head. We got round to discussing our holiday plans for the summer and how M & I could afford a proper holiday for the first time in years because there was no IVF this year! She said that the previous day they’d been discussing babies in the staff room at lunchtime (and you wonder why I avoid the place), as a colleague had brought her baby girl in.

One of the younger Maths teachers commented that ‘so-and-so (who happens to be a friend of mine who’s been to my school on supply) spent £12,000 on having her babies’.

‘Yes’ agreed my fellow infertile, ‘but at least she’s got two babies for her £12,000. I spent that and got nothing.’

‘I would never, ever spend that much on trying for a baby. I would live without first.’ Came the response. If I’d been there I might have been tempted to say – that you don’t know what you’ll do until you have to take those decisions.

I wish I could really educate people about what being infertile is about. Not just the financial aspect but the physical and emotional side of it. I have some amazing friends who have walked this path along side me and know a lot of it. But even they don’t see the whole picture. The nights of crying, the way it saps you of energy, confidence, and most importantly hope. But to educate people I’d have to be a little braver about shouting out about it – it’s still after all this time hidden from a lot of people – mostly because they have no need to know!


Xbox4NappyRash said...

Horrible, stupid comment.

Makes me mad.

April said...

people so don't get it. usually they partially get the financial aspect of it, but really don't get the emotional aspect or the "craziness" aspect. :(


Chhandita said...

Oh, people don't get untill they go through it themselves!! i am pretty vocal about my infertility..i do get stupid comments but i give it back to them..

Queenie. . . said...

You're so right. . .you don't ever know until you get there. When we started, I said I'd do Clomid or IUI, but no way IVF. It seemed too expensive, too invasive. And now that we're almost two years down this road with nothing to show for it, I'm rethinking everything.

The hard part was not getting here myself (although that's been plenty hard), but getting people to understand what you have to have gone through in order to get here. It's not circus freaks that opt for IVF--it's regular people who've been put through the infertility wringer. It would be nice if someone could just UNDERSTAND without having to explain it to them. Cancer patients don't have to reinvent the wheel--they get the support automatically. I know you don't die from infertility, but still--it's a medical affliction.