5 years and still not pregnant

I can't think of anything else to say just at the minute. The anger, pain, and loss will all follow.

I saw a post today on one of the message boards I visit, and it made me think... really think. I repsonded as follows;

Hi,
So I started to reply on the board for all to see, and then realised that I wasn't comfortable with everyone seeing what I was saying (not because I don't want them to know I am Christian but it's a personal journey) - so lucky you, you get an e-mail instead.

So onto me and what I think... and bare in mind, it is just me, I have no right or wrong answers. Sorry if I offend.

I have had lots of moments of shouting 'Why?'at God, and I think anyone (and I don't mean just people struggling with FI) who is going through a painful experience has moments like that. We were put into a really difficult situation, when told by our Consultant that although there was no medical reason for ICSI he felt that for us it would be the best solution. Now, I had got round IVF in my head in that there was still an element of chance (natural selection, or whatever) as the best sperm would fertilise the egg. Now at the point that I over stimmed, had loads of follies, but then had 7 eggs, none of which fertilised normally, I could see what the Dr was saying - but I wasn't sure it was 'right'.

I had to look deep inside myself, and actually work out my beliefs. I talked and talked and talked BUT not to everyone. I talked to some really good friends that i could trust. I talked to the Minister at Church. And I battled. I prayed so much, and for so many different things, for strength, for courage, for guidance. It was pointed out to me time and time again that... (and this is the difficult bit)

God loves us, and he loves us despite ourselves. He's not here to hurt us. I firmly believe that there is a reason for this journey, and whilst at times the pain is unbearable, there are times of joy as well. God's hand is guiding us to do the right thing. My big hangup was the lack of chance, the lack of just because. But our Minister turned to me and said 'Who are you to say where God is? Who are you to say he's not in the hand that picks the sperm?' Well he brought me up short that day - and reminded me that God's plan is there fore us. I have always believed that I will have whatever children God blesses us with, and if I end up with lots of frozen embies, I will donate them to couples that have no eggs or sperm. I firmly believe that if I could I would donate my eggs - but who'd have my dodgy eggs?

I can't tell you why we decided in the end it was right for us, but eventually after a lot of talking and prayer we did decide to go down the ICSI route, and it worked, I got 3 fertilised eggs, I had 2 transferred. I mourned the loss of the 1 that wasn't good enough for the freezer. I prayed a lot, and a miracle happened, they (or one) implanted. I celebrated, I praised God! And then I started to bleed... I miscarried before I got to my 6 week scan. I was suppose to be having the scan on my 30th birthday. It's now nearly 3 months on, and I am grieving the loss of my babies still. We had 3 lives, and none of the them could make it. Was it God's judgement on us for choosing ICSI? No, I don't believe so, it was a lesson I needed to learn. I thought having battled to get pregnant, that that would be it - not so. I learnt a lot from it and I still am. But my belief is God does not waiver, and the comfort that can be gained.

Throughout my fertility journey I have had the prayer group at Church praying for me, although initially most of them didn't know who they were praying for. Throughout my journey before taking the next step, I have prayed and tried to discover the path forwards for us, and I have always felt God's guiding hand. And when I felt so much pain, that I couldn't feel his hand, I was faced with real words. I have spent 3 months trying to discover if I could face it again. The answer was obviously not - I can't do anything, but with God on my side, maybe I can. We have taken the difficult decision to have another attempt - prompted believe me, when one day you find yourself talking to someone who is prepared to pay for your cycle and then the next day you are in Church listening to a sermon about the fact there are no coincidences - just God incidences, you have to believe you are being led.

It was a startling reminder to me to see a message on the board today asking about ICSI and the morality. Because to be honest, the amount of people that I have said we are having ICSI to, is very small. And I can use the excuse 'but people don't understand' but it is only an excuse. I am not comfortable with people knowing and judging. But why should I worry - God judges and no-one else matters.

I went to the evening service this evening at Church. Which was what was required - a sense of peace, and sermon was basically about the fact that God is everywhere! But we were also reminded that in the Church we are possibly closer to God than anywhere else. God's love is everywhere. How awesome is that?