Sorting things...

So, on Friday, I had a conversation with a fellow adopter who said 'you need help' and I couldn't disagree...it's all a little hard at the minute. She also suggested that we look into disability living allowance for boyo, as he needs more support than others of his age...and this might enable me to work less hours next year, or simply as M put it, have a take away once a week, so it's less stress for us. After this weekend, something has to give, as we cannot carry on like this, so I have asked for help...

I spoke at length last night to my friend who is an experienced reception teacher. She said that if she had boyo in her class at school, she would be asking for help and guidance, because there is clearly something wrong. And she admitted that actually, it's lots of little things wrong, which makes it more complex. She has given me a list of things to raise with his teacher...and yes I am a qualified teacher, but I needed external input to help me feel confident that I was right in this on, not just seeing things that aren't there.

I spoke briefly this morning to a mate who is a paedriciation, whilst she doesn't know boyo as well as teacher friend, she has seen him around. She has suggested that we might need to get a psychologist to look at him. She also advised that DLA is getting harder to get, but she thinks we stand a chance.

I've spoken to post adoption support...who will send me an appointment for about 6 to 8 weeks time. She didn't think I sounded desperate enough for the duty SW, which is fine, because I then emailed our SW to let her know that I've started things moving and why...she is brilliant by the way, but I need a needs assessment for boyo and that's not her roll.

I've spoken to secretary of our present paedriciation, who is retiring (grrrrrr), who listened to me, and said the paedriciation will phone me back, so she can add extra info to covering letter for new paedriciation. 

I've also asked the mums of several 4 year olds we know to have a look at a list, and tell me what things their child can do, so I can compare him for DLA form! 

And overshadowing all this, we have an appointment for Jelly later in the week...to start ball rolling to see if he has the same genetic illness as one of his siblings!

Things aren't great at the moment, and I'm not looking for sympathy. These are my boys, and thus is what we have chosen...but I want someone with a magic wand to come along, wave it, and solve all our problems! 

A week survived

So much to say...so little sleep...makes a very bad blogger! 

This week has been a funny one, in many respects. It has included differing levels of emotions, as so many weeks do. Safe to say, I am now so tired, that managing the demands of the two boys is becoming very difficult.

I took boyo to Church with me last Sunday (as often happens) and we sat next to some friends of ours, who were at church because of church parade...the little girl sat and whispered to me, 'boyo got an achievement certificate in Friday, but in wasn't in assembly' which was lovely news, and something boyo got to tell M when we got home. On Mon we found out, it was because he did some good number work! 

Earlier this week it was the wave of light in remembrance of all those babies that didn't make it. I sat and had a quiet reflection on all those children of ours, who aren't. And yet, if we had any of those children, I wouldn't have the amazing two boys that we do have, who are so meant to be with us. Life doesn't throw at us more than we can't deal with, although in the dark it's hard to remember, 

I was also contacted this week by our agency, wanting me/us to be an adoption champion. I agreed that I would share our story, our hopes, dreams and aspirations. I also agreed that I would think about appearing on the radio during national adoption week! I might regret that, but we'll see what happens.

I also went to the adoption toddler group this week...and sat listening to all these wonderful things that a selection of first time adopters were saying, and how marvellous they are finding everything! And then I spoke to someone who has adopted a second time, and she asked me how things are...I nearly ended up in tears, because it is so hard, and right now, it's not particularly getting easier, just that I am getting more used to it. We had an interesting conversation, that I will return to in due course. 

So there we are, highlights and lowlights of another week...

Life and Loss

Once again I've written a lot of posts in my head in the past month... but somehow they have not made it here. But I am determined to start writing again... partly to clear my head, and partly to record what is happening, so that I can look back and say things have improved.

And I think that's where I should start...things have improved. In the day to day living it's still hard, but it is improving. It's not easy, but no-one said it would be... but it's getting more normal.

This weeks #WASO optional theme is LOSS, which seems to be a good place to start... at the moment we are all in this house suffering with loss.

M & I are suffering with the loss of sleep... which is pretty insignificant compared to my boys. It's also the time of year, when my head turns to all the loss that we lived through and grieved in our journey to this point. The pregnancy that I got furtherest through, would have been due round about now... we could have a 6 year old or two running around. I don't mourn that alternative life, because without that, we couldn't be here, but I do have to reflect on the fact that we started this journey of adoption from a place of loss.

My boys have both suffered loss.. huge overwhelming loss... from the time that a judge decided that their birth families couldn't parent them, their lives have been about loss and we are presently living with the effects of that loss.

Adoption is surrounded by loss.... our loss of dreams, my boys loss of birth family and their history, birth family loss. And this isn't a quick healed loss... I never, ever, ever adovate that old saying 'time heals everything' because it doesn't... time gives us the tools to cope with whatever life brings, but it doesn't heal, the wounds are there, and be can opened at any moment.

In the immediacy my Jelly is grieving the loss of his foster family, even though he is tiny and seems to be doing okay. He is very independent and doesn't NEED us, which is something that we are doing a lot of work on. To be fair to him, he does now seek me out when he wants something, so he is starting to need us. He has lost the contact with his foster family and his birth family... and it all happened close together. He's too little to know what those loses will cause, and we hope for the best, and prepare for the hard work!

Boyo is also grieving at the minute, which is making his life very hard. Going through the intros for Jelly stirred up a whole pile of emotions for him, which he has struggled to verbalise, but has shown us through his behaviour. He repeatedly tells me when I collect him from school (at dinnertime still) that he has missed me and not seen me for ages, which is as close as I am going to get to an admission that he is worried I won't collect him.

Boyo is insecure and suffers with separation anxiety. Not been with us is incredibly hard for him, and when he isn't with us, he is always more aware... this is why school is such a challenge for him... it's very hard to know where 59 other children and 7 or 8 adults are at all times. As much as we have been able to piece together with him, for him, he is convinced he will loose us too, and therefore wants to be with us... and needs us to feel safe. We spend a lot of time talking about who is safe and can be trusted... childminder, teacher, his support assistant... in the hopes that the repeating the message will ease some of the anxiety and help him relax more.

The effects of loss on adoption children is not well understood. As adoptive parents through, we live with those effects. Each day an adventure, and a puzzle to solve.

Life Stories...

Today we had a visit from a representative of After Adoption Yorkshire...it was something our social worker had set up for us, and we thought would be worthwhile to take the opportunity. The boys are cousins but it is more complex than that, and at some point in the future we will may well need additional help to help them understand their stories. There is money put aside for this in future.

She came and she was lovely. And we talked for 2 hours. About all sorts of things. She collected information for later sessions... what siblings there are, and where they presently are. This may not be the case in future.

We talked about the complexities of the boys relationship, and we explained how we thought we were going to deal with it. She agreed that we seemed to have understood it well, and our plan seemed very reasonable. She also agreed that it might be a long time before the boys actually need to hear the whole story.

One of our concerns is that boy-o may need to hear it before jelly is ready. But she did say, not to worry about that, that the time will come when it's nature to tell them. We have a story to tell them which will need expanding upon as they get older, and can understand more.

We did talk about how we are coping, how the boys are coping and various other things. She said we seemed to have a good understanding of the boy's needs.

We agreed that things are okay at the moment, she will email me a reading list, with some useful books on. And we can ask for more sessions whenever we feel the need for them. We don't have to wait until we want input for the boys. If we have questions, or need advice we can ask at any point.

So we were reassured, and confident that when we need the help, it will be there.

So where were we...

It's two weeks since I last posted, which is nothing when things are going well, but I usually post a lot more frequently when things are going pear shaped. And they have been very pear shaped! But right now, Boy-o is sitting on the sofa next to me, relaxing and having some calm time, whilst watching CBeebies, and Jelly is upstairs in his cot, having a nap. It's taken this long for me to be able to sit and type... and even now, I'm getting, what are you doing, why, just noise been generated.

Jelly has a cold, and is miserable with it. We are on the death throes of it hopefully, he seems brighter today. We have been bonding and attaching, he's been in his sling and carried lots. He is a happy thing, who plays well, and is just busy. The cold has caused some problems as he hasn't been sleeping. But the benefit of sitting up all hours giving him cuddles in terms of attachment are amazing. 

He and I went to the adoption playgroup this morning, and one of the social workers who did our prep course first time round was there. She knew we'd adopted again, but was really pleased to see him. I had him in the sling, and she commented on it - I pointed out it's easier than getting the pushchair our of my chair, and it's good for him to be carried. 

Boy-o is feeling more secure and settled... but isn't right yet. We can see from his behaviour that he is still struggling. He was very happy on his half days at school, so I spoke to his teacher about him doing full days this week, like everyone else. He managed Monday really well, but didn't sleep well Monday night (he's not the only one in his class that didn't), but come Tuesday lunch time, I had a telephone call to say, 'you need to come and get him, he's distraught and just wants you', so I went to pick him up and we spent the afternoon doing calming activities. 

(He's just decided to see how close he can sit to me! Typing with one hand now)

In collaboration with his teacher and TA, we've decided to keep him part time for the moment. We have a meeting next week with his teacher, and will discuss how to proceed from from here. I can quite see we won't be full time until Christmas, which is fine, as I am not at work, and he needs the security of been with me, at the moment. However, I am now having to balance, I can't do what I planned as I have boy-o in the afternoon... and it's difficult to find things that both boys are happy to do, without me having to help them both. 

Successes have been a walk in the woods, as I carried Jelly, whilst Boy-o ran and threw sticks and added to dens that have been made. It is a lovely place to go. Going to a park is also good for Boy-o but not as good for Jelly, as he does want to get out of his pushchair and play... and I can't look after him and help Boy-o at the same time. Less successful was yesterday's suggestion by me, that we needed to go and get Boy-o some new trainers. This resulted in a huge strop including a massive nosebleed. 

We are still trying to do theraplay activities with boy-o most days. Some days it works better than others. But M and I can both see the benefit of it for boy-o. I have started some life story work, but that is a blog post all of it's own.

M & I are doing okay, and everyday it gets easier, so we will continue to be okay. 

Ooops... it's all a little difficult here...

We knew it would be difficult. We knew we would have problems. And yet...when our social worker forgot about us on Wed (she is on annual leave this week) I had a crisis feeling. Had text conversation with her, and said we were okay - not easy but okay, and then on Thurs things imploded and I sent a text just after lunch to say 'please come this evening' which she said she could do.

It was the adults who were struggling with how to deal with behaviour. Boyo is very caring and always has been, and as such he is in Jelly's face a lot. He wants to help, but isn't showing it in the best way. He is constantly doing things that we are asking him not to, such as holding onto Jelly, and taking his cuddly off him and countless other things. He wants to show how much he cares.

But he is also very excited and is spending his whole time showing off. And because he's the way he is, he is also been very vigilant - because his world has changed, and he needs to find his new place in this new order.

We have been reassuring him, we have let him regress as he wants, he is been fed, he is having a bottle of milk at bedtime, we have tried all our usual tricks, ignoring the bad and praising the good, rewards, bribery and threats of early nights. Nothing was having any effect, as soon as you praised him, he stopped doing what he was been praised for. Ignoring the behaviour just escalated it. Sitting him with us on the sofa has given us both bruises. I think my low point was when I carried him upstairs, put him on his bed, and sat in his chair, refusing to engage until he calmed down... I had teddies thrown at me for that one, and there are a lot of teddies on his bed.

So we reached out... and asked for help, because we could not calm him. There was nothing that we could do, that would help him, and we wanted to help him, no needed to help him.

We talked things through. We explained that we felt WE were getting into a negative cycle. And that, is what was bothering us most, we are usually good at stopping that negative cycle, but we couldn't find a way forward.

It felt better to hear that it was normal. That virtually every older child struggles when a new child arrives, no matter how they arrive. That we were doing okay, it's not a disaster.

She agreed that we were doing the right thing going out for part of each day. That we were right about gradually starting to introduce people to Jelly, because Boy-o needs normality. That we could separate them if it was easier... it was okay that they didn't spend every minute together. I'd been resisting separating them, on the grounds they need to get used to each other, but she pointed out that they are spending time together, and that they don't have to spend every waking minute together.

And she gave us some ideas. Initially to start theraplay activities again - and if we were struggling with it, she's happy to give up some time to come and help us with it. And then some ideas to work on both his life story and Jelly's... to help him understand better his story and his place in the world. She has given us some super ideas, which I will probably blog about, once we've had a chance to do some of them. I've also ordered some more books...

So I went to bed last night calmer, and woke up feeling more refreshed. And today has been a better day - and when Jelly had his nap, I got out my mysterious box that Boy-o noticed first thing this morning, which I'd loaded with some things for theraplay activities last night. And we managed a 20 minute session with theraplay activities, and followed it up with some general silly playing. I gave him the total time that we had available, and when M came home from work before Jelly had finished his nap (M is working part time for at least another week yet), we planned our afternoon... divide and conquer.

And it worked, the boys went to bed much calmer, because things had been calmer. They both went early, as neither is sleeping especially well, but they have slept so far tonight.

So I'm hoping that we can continue to be calm, and do theraplay work. I'll start the life story work soon, when I've had time to get my head round it a bit!

Adventures in cloth nappies...

Back when we were trying to get (and stay) pregnant, there was never any doubt in my mind. We were going to cloth nappy. It made sense both economically and environmentally. Both my cousins cloth nappied, it didn't seem very difficult, there was no decision to be had.

And then, we adopted, and we adopted a 2 year old, who was on 98th centile, taller than some 4 year olds that we knew. It made no sense to spend money to buy cloth nappies, when he would be potty trained before long, we went straight for disposal nappies... and on the recommendation of my friend with 4 boys we went huggies, and they were fab, never leaked, and did exactly what we wanted. Of course it was well over a year before he potty trained, and even at 4 1/2 he still wets at night, but we made our choice and we stuck with it. Plus buying cloth nappies to fit him would have been more difficult than I needed at that point in my life.

And then we started the adoption process again. And we were linked to a 15 month old (after we made the decision to for go the 5 month old). And he's a great deal smaller, an average 15 month, hovering around the 50th centile for height. And huggies no long sell nappies in the UK anywhere that it is easy to get them... you can get them at some warehouse clubs, who are importing from the USA, but we gave up our membership as a cost cutting exercise... we used to go and spend between £100 and £200 without thinking about it, on stuff we didn't need... nice things, but not necessary things.

So we started thinking about cloth nappies again. And I started talking. One of my best friends had her second child earlier on the year, and she used cloth with her first and again with her second. When she came to visit she brought me a selection to see.... and explained about using them.

I went out (to a bridal shower) and sat chatting to three other friends who all cloth nappied. One said, she always switched to disposals at about a year old, one said, 'I'm not sure, I'd change him at 15 months old' and the other said, 'oh, I've got some liners that you could have, and I think I've got some nappies and wraps left'.

I started researching on line, and decided for during the day I really wanted to use either pocket nappies or 'all in ones'. So I did some searching and researching and came up with a list of 8 different makes and styles that I wanted to try. I managed to get hold of 3 pocket nappies and 3 all in ones of my list, and only brought one new one! I also spoke to our local council who provide cloth nappy packs to babies under 6 months in the area, and after some decision they decided that I could have a trail pack with another 'all - in - one' and a two part (shaped nappy and wrap). I also brought another two part nappy for overnight use.

So there we were several weeks before Jelly joined us, and I had 7 day nappies to try and 2 overnight ones! We played a bit during introductions when he was at our house, and obviously more since he moved in. M and I both know now which nappies we prefer, and how many more we think we need to buy. Pocket nappies are definitely the way forwards in this house and I hate to say it... my friend was right, she raves about the nappy type that we are going for... BumGenius V4...although I might still mix in a couple of Fuzzibunz perfect fit as well.

Overnight.. so far we haven't actually made a full night in washable. Mostly as I wimped out on changing from disposal to washable for first couple of nights, and then last night when I did try, Jelly is starting to realise that things are going back to how they were before (with him at child minder) and had a really bad night's sleep. I'd put one on, and at 1.30 a.m., when there was nothing left I could do for him, I changed it for a disposal... more normal feeling for him. Not that it worked, but at least I knew that there was nothing else I could do to make him feel better!

So Jelly at the moment is been cloth nappied during the day, and I'm probably going to continue in disposals for overnight for a few more weeks. I am lucky, as I have some of the mythical huggies - a huge box that one of my friends did pick up for me at a warehouse shop - but it was the last box on the shelf. If he needs more nappies in that size when they run out, we'll have to start experimenting with other brands...

And if you want some second hand all in one nappies - I have some for sale...