February

February has been a funny month for the last few years - and as I prepare to face this week, knowing that it's the anniversary of my worst miscarriage; but equally knowing that the end of the month will bring about the anniversary of meeting our boy...I feel strange. I want to cry about what might have been, but that takes away from the joy of my boy.

Nothing takes away from what might have been, and time doesn't heal, it just helps you find ways to deal with it. Those babies were precious, as were all the others, but it is this miscarriage that I remember more than any other. Knowing that 5 years ago, I had hope of an entirely different ending to our story.

And yet... I can't imagine any other outcome. I love my boy, I can't think of how I could have loved a birth child more. He is our child, and whilst I wish for him that he had been able to have been brought up by his birth family; I'm glad he's ours.

And yet...I wonder what might have been, who those children would have grown to be. Whether they'd be tall and skinny like M, or shorter and chubbier like me. Would they have liked what we like, would we have cherished their joy of the world, of being outside. Would we have a girl who liked doing craft like me. Would we have a boy who wants to explore how the world works like M. Who would those children have been.

And yet... we are blessed beyond measure. Our boy, is such a boy. He loves being outside and will just run around with the joy of it. He is not afraid of anything (except us leaving him). He finds joy in each new day and each new experience. Everywhere he goes people smile, because he smiles. He is making me grow, because with him I have to be a better person.

And yet... sometimes when I am with my friends with the children born in the month before ours would have been, I wonder. Would their children be good friends with ours. Would they be experiencing everything new with them.

And yet... boy-o loves those children. If you ask him who his friends are... two out of the three (the ones he sees most often) are mentioned...always. Other friends vary, but he loves spending time with those children. He plays so well with them. Perhaps if they had been closer in age it would have been different.

And time passes. The pain becomes easier to absorb. The knowledge of our boy is great, and the shadows are fading. As those potential children become older... I lose sight of them more often. They become more ghost like... a presence rather than actual beings. But I can't forget them totally, they will always be there, waiting in the shadows.

random thoughts

And as a break from adoption talk...

I love that I have a friend who texts me a message on the anniversary of having my miscarriage confirmed. She has done it every year for the past 3. She doesn't forget. And that is such an important thing, that my little beans aren't forgotten.

Most of my friends couldn't tell you what day my miscarriage was confirmed. I think that most of them know that it happened around this time - partially because I was due to have a scan on my 30th birthday. It's a grim awful reminder to me; I can't forget. I remember going into work and bumping into someone who knew that I should have been having a scan and they just looked at me and I burst into tears. It was hard because it was the first day back after a holiday, and I couldn't let anyone know.

I remember that my boss had gone out to celebrate the birth of her first daughter with some people from work. That she had let slip that I'd just had a treatment cycle, and she assumed it hadn't worked. Someone who knew said to her subtly that actually it had, I'd had a positive test. And it ended up with everyone there knowing that I was pregnant. Except I miscarried, and so that someone had to run around everyone who knew and tell them that I wasn't. And to this day I don't know who knew - and I know two people, who had the politeness to come up to me and tell me, but I don't know who else! At this late point it doesn't actually matter.

I am starting to let more people know about our adoption plans. Not lots, not everyone, because I can't bear to be asked how it is going. But the number of people who know is growing. I'm still processing a lot of information, so expect more adoption talk to happen shortly.