Christmas in short...

I started writing a different post about Christmas but realised that I didn't want to commit this year in total to memory...so a few highlights...

1...seeing boyo interact with the older girls who do playground buddy duty at school...we went to a Christmas Eve party at friends house (the mum of one of the girls) and boyi was so excited because of the girls who would be there

2...baking....we made biscuits, sweets, chocolate, gingerbread reindeer and cakes....I am especially proud of my Christmas tree cake.

3...jelly has got to meet more of our families, in gentle batches but has met more of them, and charmed them

4...boyo recovering some of his joy in life...his best two presents, his marble run and a 2 foot inflatable remote control car...he has actually played properly with both of them.

5.... Jelly right now exploring his cousins playroom... As cousins and boyo are all fast asleep upstairs still! He is having a lovely time thanks

6....spending time with family and the family that we choose (our friends) 

We will not talk about the sleepless nights, tantrums, screaming and black is white syndrome because I will it agree with my Mummy! This too will pass....I hope. 

Secret Santa

So The Adoption Social decided to allow us to give another adoption blogger a present, and receive one in return. The post below is a guest post written by Puffin Diaries, I think it's amazing and hope that you do to. I feel honoured to have the chance to share this post with you, as Sarah at Puffin Diaries is one of the people who started The Adoption Social, which has brought together an amazing community of bloggers and twitterati. 


The Boy by the Tree

I take a wooden reindeer and place it on the tree,
“This one is for my Nana and all she did for me”
The boy has chosen his first and reaches on up high,
“This one for my mum, I hope she is alright”.
The boys face reflected in the bauble,
All shiny round and gold,
He holds my heart in that tiny moment,
And for him I’d give the world.
He’s thinking of his lost mum and wonders does she care?
Will I see her one day, this world is so unfair.
A Gentle rub of back, to ensure he is okay, 
And offer of a chocolate, sweetness to allay, 
All the fear and sadness that sometimes can all only be,
Inside the head of the boy standing by the tree.

The annual debate...-

The annual debate started today outside of school... following an email from school, parents are not allowed to take photos of their child during the Christmas show or allowed to video it. They will be able to take photographs after the show, once those children who school doesn't have photo permission for have left the stage. I missed the conversation, as boy-o is still finishing school early, but I heard it all last year, and I know it's happened as a friend who doesn't want photos of her child online is a little (!) upset/fuming

Parents don't like been told that they can't record their child's show. Apparently it isn't fair that a parent who doesn't want a child to have a photo should stop anyone else recording theirs. How can some parents be so selfish as to stop school (and parents) photos of their children. Moan, moan, groan.

Now, I know that about 50% of boy-o's class mates parents know he is adopted, and appreciate my stance on photos. But there are the other 50% and the whole other class...minus my friend. I will tell anyone who mentions it to me, exactly why I don't want photos of my child... and it isn't just because they are adopted!

When I am at work, I spend a lot of time talking to teenagers about the fact that any photos, any facts, anything that they put on the internet, is there forever. That they can post something, later regret it, delete it, and it will still be on the internet. An image can be copied and stored. Information is stored. It is there FOREVER. And you can't do a thing about it. And that is a pretty good reason, not to record every moment on their life online.

My boys have a right to privacy... like we had. My friends know what I want them to know. They don't know what my parents want them to know... (mostly, MIL is a different story). My childhood is recorded in photos and oral stories, I have a shared history with my parents, siblings, cousins and forever friends. No-one that I meet on the street, in a group, wherever, is going to log into a website and see photos of my childhood... because they are mostly at my parents house (and will remain so). That's not to say that there aren't random photos on fb from my childhood... that I've put up, or one of my friends has. But there is nothing more embarrassing than dodge 90's glasses to worry about.

My boys are adopted within our area (from the local agency). I know where their birth parents live. There are places I don't take them to. I have friends who live near friends, who live in these areas. Someone I know could comment on a photo of boy-o that I am tagged on, someone else could see it and put two and two together. Suddenly birth parents know where we live... and where he goes to school.


If you want to think more about this have a look at these links

http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2013/06/dont-post-pictures-of-my-kids-on-facebook/
http://www.slate.com/articles/technology/data_mine_1/2013/09/facebook_privacy_and_kids_don_t_post_photos_of_your_kids_online.html
http://healthland.time.com/2013/09/06/should-parents-post-pictures-of-their-kids-on-facebook/

The highs and lows of a week...

So after last week which was pretty dire... I was hoping for better things this week... and in some respects I got them, and in others...nope just continuation of the same old, same old.


We got very worried on Sunday, as we went to the children's activity church service (if that makes sense) and saw a family friend... who apparently had seen boyo at school on Tues before all this kicked off... he had no recollection of seeing her at all... he has also forgotten bits about swimming (after), going the the park (after) and various other bits. This worried us immensely.

Thankfully in a week of appointments, the first appointment - LAC review for Jelly - brought the health visitor to our house... and say what you like, she has gone away previous meetings and found out about attachment and trauma. And when she walked in the door... I asked for advice - about what to do, did I need to see school nurse etc.... she said GP, paediatrician appointment and CAHMS. We had our LAC review, and at the end, we were asked whether we were ready to adopt Jelly... to which we replied, 'no, not yet' which stunned the independent reviewing officer (our social already knew, and had told Jelly's social worker too). We explained that things were too up in the air, that there were things we wanted sorting out prior to adopting Jelly, including issues with Boy-o, and explained, with our SW input why we are struggling and the lack of input from PAS. He went off to email manager of PAS...

Second appointment was with GP (as HV recommended). He decided it was something and nothing, and would refer us the paediatrician, but didn't see the need for CAHMS. He was more bothered about boy-o's lack of school attendance than anything else. So I left downhearted, but not beaten!

Thursday brought forward Post adoption support...who had clearly been challenged to help us. We had a long chat with the social worker, who had many understanding things to say, and some useful ways forward. Until the issues that make boy-o struggle at school are addressed, he isn't going to do well at school! She will refer us to CAHMS (ha ha ha) and thinks we should be looking for a statement based on emotional and attachment issues (although she didn't know statements are going!). We wait, because if she comes through with CAHMS and Social, Emotional and Behavioural Team into school... I will be happier.

And then today... we went to speak to the SENCO (technically I think she is now the Inclusion Manager) at school. And she listened, and proposed ways forward with increasing attendance... like increasing support (presently at 15hours a week), and not expecting boy-o to do what others are doing, it will be enough that he is at school... he can be playing outside, he can be working with 1 to 1 support, he can playing with playdough, but if he is at school full time by May she will be happy! And she will do what she can to make this happen.

She also listened to us about the attachment difficulties and asked for advice! She has been on a course recently and started to think about behaviour in terms of what that is telling her about the child! I lent her Inside I'm Hurting, and gave her several bits of paper to keep (thank you adoption social and inspired foundations!)

We talked statements and education health care plans. We talked educational psychologists. We talked SEB Team. We talked about things to help him. We talked visual timetable, with a photo of me at the end, so he can see how much more he has to get through. We talked about DLA and her filling in the bit of the form, with help from me.

We left feeling that things might be improving for our boy. That things might actually be put in place to help him. From feeling lots of gloom and despair for his future, suddenly I can see that there may be a glimmer of hope. We wait to see what actually happens from these promises, but I can see a glimmer...

My plea to school...Talk about behaviour not the child

This week has been harder than it should have been, not by anyone's design, but just one of those things. One of the big discussions we had at school, was about how ineffective their behaviour policy is for our boy (in fact probably most children).

If a child misbehaves he is moved down the ladder (onto yellow?), if they are moved onto yellow too many times in a week, or onto red at all, they lose golden time on Friday.

In our house we are always careful to talk about the behaviour, not the child. We talk about how it was good that you did x, or how we are sad that you did y, or how doing z is silly (or giddy). We do not say things like you are naughty, or you are silly, or you are good because... we talk purely about behaviour. Because every 4 year old will do good and silly things, it does not mean that they are good or silly.

We strongly believe that we don't want to shame our children, it doesn't help them, it is only a release for us. Boy-o has enough to cope with, that to add to his self belief that he is 'bad' would be crippling long term. Just because it is how we were parented, does not make it right or helpful for any child. There is generally a reason for behaviour, and it is worth our time trying to work out why he has done something, so we can talk about understanding. This is still true when he is raging, it tells us is that he can't cope with the emotions that he is feeling and needs to get them out somehow, he needs calm and empathy. Sometimes I move him to a place he cannot hurt anyone, but I stay within sight and sound.

We tried to get this across to his teacher. Besides anything else, what is the point of telling him he will lose golden time, when he isn't at school on a friday afternoon, to lose this time anyway. We like the fact that we are told when he is on the Superstar board, but I dislike the fact that another child finds it ok to tell boyo, that he has to try not to go onto yellow that day. 

I find it hard to believe that any 4 year old can choose to conform or not to conform. They can either conform and do what school think is necessary (sit quietly for registration) or they can't. And if they can't do what is necessary, is it necessary to shame the child and move him down and tell him he's naughty for not doing x, y or z... My boy doesn't choose to fidget, that is who he is, and I, his nursery teacher, the woman from pre 5 team all have suggested he needs something in his hands to occupy them. 

I'm hoping that some good has come out of this week, it has been very draining for all of us, apart from perhaps Jelly...and even he notices when boyo is not himself. The fact that he reacted in a way to a sound, in a way that shocked school may have helped us...in the long term. I'm hoping that his teacher starts to listen to us! 

And in the meanwhile...if you are a parent, educate yourself about shame based parenting and punishments, blame the behaviour, not the child. 

Friday

Friday was always going to be difficult before the week got interesting! It was children in need - so Boy-o didn't have his uniform for school, and he had a hospital appointment and we had no-one who we could leave Jelly with!

Boy-o went to school, got himself wound up and worried, then we had to pick him up early and take him to the hospital. This made him worry and panic and stress... because he has been wobbly all week. The good news is, he did really well, and his right eye is now nearly working at normal level (through his glasses) and his left eye is improving.

After this, because although it had been a difficult week, we had all coped okay, we decided to go for our lunch. This was obviously one thing too much for the boy. We went somewhere we have been before, which was quiet - it's a child friendly place, and it was a cold Nov Friday. He really struggled with eating, as it is a diner style place, and the seat backs are high. He struggled with playing outside, on the lovely equipment they have. He just struggled.

We came home and had some playing time... not that boy-o can play anywhere near jelly this week. And the boys were in their pyjama's at 5.00 and in bed by 5.30. If only they slept through!

Thursday

On Thursday, we had another bad start to the day. Boy-o plainly didn't want to go to school, and was creating difficulties to make sure we didn't get there on time... little does he know, that I allow for this in my planning of the mornings.

Thursday morning for me, was all about friends and conversations about living with a child who is different. It started in the playground, as one of my friends boys is having a tough time, and I left boy-o wobbly and not wanting to be there, and she left her boy in tears. We walked out together, knowing that we are both living through tough times, offering the other one help, but knowing that there is a limit to what we can do. She has however, applied for disability living allowance (DLA) for her younger son, and gave me some tips.

I had arranged for another friend to come and talk to me about DLA and whatever other advice she had to give. And there was plenty of useful information, but very hard to talk about our damaged children, who have other difficulties as well. She has been battling things for the past few years so had lots of tips to pass onto me.

When I picked boy-o up from school, the Senco caught me, and we had a brief chat. As I'd had my brain melted in the morning, I probably didn't make much sense, but she did say that boy-o's teacher had been to see her for some advice... finally! I do need to arrange a meeting with the Senco and chat more to her, the problems that we are having are not all adoption related.

I also squeezed in a phonecall to post adoption support - who are coming to see me next week!

It was another difficult afternoon, but we lived through it, and once the boys were asleep, M and I hatched a plan... and it feels better to have plan. But it does leave us with some decisions to make...about the house, about work, about schools, lots of thinking to do.