grumpy and moody

Sometimes it is hard to shake what you've lived through;

times when someone is moaning about their children
times when someone announces their pregnancy (on facebook no less)
times when I am forced to go back through our infertility journey
times when I am asked when I felt when I miscarried and how we coped
times when you are tired anyway and sleep will not come
times when you realise that you are changed completely from where you started

I'm looking for some positivity from somewhere, and it's hard to find this week. I've been horrid to work with, because I've been grumpy, and I can't shake it. I've been wondering around unable to settle to anything.

Here's hoping tomorrow will be a better day...

Home study visit 5!

(If you want to read about what we've already covered in our home study click here, here, here and here).

Today's meeting went well, but it turned into the the one I was dreading. We started off with talents, interests and personality. We talked about our relationship, how we met (car crash!), how we got together, how we deal with stress, decision making etc. And then we turned to our route to adoption!

We spent a long while talking about infertility and how that has effected us and how we dealt with it. We talked about the fact that M is aware that sometimes i need him to listen to me rant not be a man and 'fix it'. We talked about what our options were, and why we decided against them. We spent time talking about the emotional impact of the IVF/ICSI cycles. We talked about miscarriage and what an awful time it was. Several things were mentioned and I was struggling with answering questions and the whole 7 years has turned my memory to mush.

I need to think a bit more about it before next week - which was when we were supposed to be having those conversations. I need to get my head back into it - go back through my journals and get some dates and events written down.

We finished with a little thought exercise - which I offer up for you to comment on...
'You've just been contacted by the partner of your cousin Emily, who you haven't seen for about 10years. She has disappeared and no-one knows where she is. She has left her little boy Joe (who's 2) in the care of her partner who is not his father. He wants to go abroad to work. There is no-one who can care for the child apart from you. What information would you want to know?'

So what answer would you have given?

home visit 4

I do like our social worker... even though she was late today! I like the fact that she seems genuinely interested in what we think and do - and yes I know that she gets paid for that, but still. I like the fact that she understands and even respects where we are coming from in terms of the age ranges that we are looking at. I really like the fact that she is honest about how hard it is going to be.

In today's visit we talked about our education, finishing off from last week. And then we talked about employment; what jobs we had, why we'd done different jobs. And we talked generally about the future, what we planned to do when a child/ren are placed with us, and how we would cope financially. We also started to talk about how we might cope emotionally.

And that's it - we talked for over 1 hr 30mins, but that is really all that we covered... because we started off we me asking questions, could she send a letter to school (employment check & reference) before July, whether we could move an appointment, and when she thought approval panel might be - end of Oct/beginning of Nov... which might seem like a long time off, but fits in with our 'approved to adopt' before Christmas plan.

home (visit) again!

We've just had our third homestudy visit... and I was debating putting some pictures up from last week's holiday but that can wait until later in the week. I have to some major catching up to do; no internet access for a week - leaves me debating just pressing the 'read all' button on my reader list!

In our home study visit today we finished off talking about my family, which took most of the 2 hours!!!! I got to talk about how my parents met, and what it was like growing up with them and my brother and sister. I got to talk about how my brother's issues effected life (ADHD and dyslexic). I got to talk about my relationship with my sister; and how that has effected me over the years. In fact I did a lot of talking....

I also spoke about my granparent's adopted daughter - I never met her, she moved Australia when my mum was 18, and never managed to visit. She died from cancer in her 50's. I had to write notes when I spoke to Mum about whys, dates, wheres etc, because to us she has always been one of those mythical people - someone that we know about; but I can't say I know her. I met her husband once, he came to the UK to visit when I was about 20. But it was interesting to hear mum talk about her, and to be able to fill in some of the gaps in my knowledge.

We also started talking about education - which will be picked up next week. M and I have very different stories when it comes to schooling. I went to lots of primary schools, a fee paying secondary school followed by a state secondary school. Michael went to 3 schools - a first, a middle and an upper school. All within walking distance of his home - in fact all within walking distance of our home - although the first and middle school are now primary schools!

2nd Home Study Visit

We had another meeting with our social worker this morning. I still think that she is nice and knows her job really well. We spent some time doing general chit-chat and then moved onto our family trees/history.

M started with his and looked at grandparents, aunts & uncles, cousins and children of. The idea is that as well as sharing your family tree that we share our memories of the people, and how important they were when growing up and how important they are now. This lets the social worker know about your family life and what things were like growing up for you.

We spoke about his parent's and his sister (and her family) and how they have reacted to the news of us wanting to adopt. We talked about his mum's nervousness about it, but SW seemed really understanding of the difficulties that you can have with potential grandparents. We talked about our nieces and how much we have to do with them.

M spent over an hour on his family tree and I just started mine. It was a short meeting today and SW had somewhere else to be. Therefore the next meeting will be more about my family history, but as we are away next week (hurrah for Scotland) it'll be two weeks before we see her again.

I need to think of a better name for our social worker SW just seems so impersonal!

Isn't it odd, I can go for weeks without an adoption conversation, and then in the week that we start our home study, I can't get away from them.

I've had conversations with all sorts of people, from my friend last night who yet again said 'you will be a good mum, I can't wait for it to happen to you', this was after a long in depth discussion about what happened on Monday. I had a conversation with Head (of the school) about the home study, what the process is, and where we are, he thankfully approved my next 6 appointments for the homestudy with pay. I've had conversations with my Mum, about what is happening, and what she can do to help. I've had to talk through the process of the homestudy, so many times this week, I'm beginning to think that I could do it in my sleep.

But it is all positive. I feel positive. I am sure that we are doing the right thing. And there will be more waiting, but I can see a gorgeous beam of hope shining.

First Home Study Meeting

We've met our social worker... and she seems nice. She arrived early this morning, which I think is a positive sign, I'd hate to have been waiting around for her.

Started off with general chit - chat. We talked about the things that are involved in the home study, and had to dig out passports, driving licences, birth and marriage certificates to show her - luckily we could lay our hands on them straight away.

We talked about how we had found the prep group, and what else we'd like more information about. We talked about the reading that I've been doing and what she suggested a couple more books to look at, Primal Wound and Theraplay, both of which I've looked at, but the library doesn't have and they're not cheap! We discussed the birth mother and the adopted adult (not related) that we met on the prep course and how their stories had impacted us.

We talked about the child/ren that we would like to adopt. She seemed delighted that we didn't necessarily want a tiny baby and the fact that we had rationalised this out. Our argument is that we can't actually have a baby, adoption (from foster care) is different, and therefore we want to acknowledge the difference rather than hide it. We talked about birth families, and that there will always be a child shaped hole in the birth family, and a birth family shaped hole in the child/ren's lives.

We obviously covered lots more than this! General topics included attachment, adoption stories of people that we know (both adopted and adoptees). Stories about children I know through school - i.e. how parenting can have an impact. We talked about schools - she said that she is presently working with a family whose child is in reception and has been excluded from school before they are 5. It's a fantastic school - at least by ofsted measures. I said that I know that a good school might not know how to deal with 'difficult' children, citing where I work compared to the schools just up the road!

We talked for about 2 hours, but this did include about 30 mins trying to sort out the next 6 sessions! After that she will be meeting our families (those that it is possible to) and some of our referees. As she only works part time, she admitted it might take her longer than normal to write up our report for panel, but that we should be approved before Christmas. Then they would hope to match us up with a child/ren within the next year.

I'm relieved that the first meeting is over - and feel happy that we are making progress. She seemed happy that we talk and have talked about adoption issues, and are starting to think about how to parent an adopted child!