school... again

I am ever so grateful to those adoption networks that I mentioned last time; but I am also grateful to the friends that I have on the doorstep - or rather in the play ground at school. I am lucky, one of my biggest supporters through the dark infertility years happens to have some children at the same school as boy-o attends nursery. So when today I was blindsided, I saw her on the way out and along with a lot of other things that we were talking about, I was able to say to her what I'd just been told. And later, when I found out what had actually gone on - you know by talking to my boy - I was able to phone her up and say...all a drama about nothing.

What am I going on about?

Well, when I discovered that boy-o was chewing lots at school, and trying to find reason - I'm convinced it's about grounding and feeling safe - I spoke to his keyworker and let her know that we are thinking of adopting again; and that we have talked about this idea with boy-o. His keyworker obviously let other staff know about this, which is fine, mostly....

Until today - when I got greeted by my least favorite assistant, with 'boy-o's been crying today, and when we spoke to him he said he didn't want the baby to stay'

And she obviously jumped to totally incorrect ideas about adoption and what is going on in our house. Needless to say, I did say 'oh, that's interesting, I wonder where he got that idea from, we don't have a baby, nor are we ever going to have a baby'

When we got to the car - having spent some time chatting to my friend... I was talking to boy-o as we were driving away.

I asked boy-o why he had been crying and he said - 'I wanted to come home' which was a long way away from what the assistant had told me.

It turns out (I think - will ask more questions tomorrow); the little boy who was really upset at drop off time, eventually went home with his mum and baby brother. Boy-o is a caring little soul and the baby brother has some problems and he always asks about the baby.

But... the upset boy obviously got to go home because he was crying, with his baby brother.

My boy isn't silly, he'd told me he didn't want to go, but he'd gone to nursery. He told me he wanted me to stay - but although I settled him, I didn't. But he saw someone he likes upset and able to go home... and I think decided to try it on.

We did talk again about having a 'little brother/little sister' and he now claims he wants 2... he still likes the idea (he may not when they actually arrive). We also talked about how big brothers and sisters don't have to leave because new ones arrive.

I really think he was trying it on, but now I have another thing to discuss with his keyworker!

And yes - I know the assistant means well, but I don't think she listens to him properly. He gets muddled when he's upset and he can do upset really well. Especially when he's as tired as he is.

Roll on next week, some down time, some friend time and some sleep.... and for me some research into sensory integration!

Adoption support networks

Just a really, really quick post... just to remind me that it feels good sometimes.

This evening I have been to the adoption support group and have come home buzzing, because it's so wonderful to meet with like minded people and talk through the day/week/month's issues. I got to sit and chat to all sorts of people, from those who I count as friends because we've been in each other's lives for what seems like forever (really less than 2 years?) and we have adopted children, people who have just adopted, and people in the preparation stages.

I love the contacts that the web brings forth, and the support network here, and the immediacy of it. But I do also love the support group and the chat and talks that we have there... plus I can phone some of these people up at 2 o'clock in the morning, and they wouldn't find it odd.

I have some amazing friends outside of adoption, but there are some things that only a few of them would get, but that all the friends I've seen tonight would get instantly.

And as an aside... I owe the two friends who made it possible for me to go to adoption support tonight instead of another meeting a huge drink each - sometime I will get to go out with them again!



And best of all, I got some ideas of how to get across to school why boy-o is chewing so much at the moment... hurrah!

Past, present and future news...

I should have updated before... we've had a better week at school, boy-o has taken his chewy to school every day and he has been calmer and listened better. If only they had mentioned it earlier. He's also been sleeping better; and things have generally been calmer at home.

In other news; still no news from our social worker, I will be emailing her next week, all innocent like, just to say I'm concerned that we haven't had the form yet, and could it have been lost in the post.

In old news - I've remembered I'm not especially good at this point in the year. It was brought home to me because I'm working for a new head of year at school and every time he's seen me this week, he's asked if I'm ok.... the last two years I've worked for HoY's who knew why I don't do well and have just accepted it. I can't bring myself to explain, to someone who doesn't need to know why Feb is so hard; but I might just hide next week.

I can't help but remember that miscarriage. I allow myself some space at this time of year, it is my time to grieve, it is only now and an odd day in October when I let myself dwell.

It doesn't take away from what we've got. It doesn't alter how much I love our boy. I cannot tell you how much he has enriched our lives - and I've said many times before we are truly blessed by our boy. But... at this time of year my thoughts turn to those what might have beens.

School issues... or home issues?

I've been planning all week to write a positive post, lots of positive things going on...a party with only one bad night afterwards, general calm down in behaviour, new agreement between M & myself about dealing with certain aspects of behaviour, just lots of positives....

Except nursery school blow all that away today. I thought everything there was going fine, that although we'd had some issues at home, it was all fine. I thought he was holding it together, yes we'd had a few episodes of him getting into the car and bursting into tears, but I did think that was just release.

Turns out... not so!

When I arrived to pick him up today, he was chewing on a piece of sellotape (yes, I know not ideal, but it happens). One of the staff noticed, looked at me and apologised, I just pointed out that the cuff on his coat is now missing some material... where he has been chewing. This then launched into a discussion about what else he had chewed in the last couple of weeks; toys, sand, playdough, more toys, magnets, more toys....

And I only found out about this now?

Or at least that is what I wanted to scream.

The fact that he is chewing is telling me that something is wrong, he is unsettled. He's not bad at home at the minute, his childminder would have said if he was chewing more than normal at her's. But they didn't tell me, because...wait for it... it's a good one....

'We know it's something he does, so we weren't concerned!'

I just said something about him been unsettled, and said I'd send his chewy in with him. Sadly it's too big for his pocket; so will have to be in his bag, which they may not remember... even the staff admitted that.

I've been internet shopping tonight and brought him a couple of new smaller chews; one on a lanyard and one on a clip on.

But I still can't get my head around the fact, that because they knew that he chewed things, they weren't concerned enough to tell me. I have to try to unpick with boy-o exactly what is making him wobbly at school. And that's tough with a nearly 4 year old, with the emotional intelligence of a slightly younger child.

As it's not happening at home, or the childminders, I have to assume it's something at school. But equally he knows that we are looking into the possibility of adopting again, and I don't know whether that is bothering him - I did start there, and say
'you remember E had a new sister last year'
'yes, A'
'did anyone have to leave Auntie R's house when A arrived?'
'no, just got a new sister'
'and if we have a new sister or brother, no-one will have to leave here'
'no one go'

So he understands that - I think and hope.

But it does leave me racking my brains... think I may need appointment to talk to his teacher soon! And I did think things were going ok...

A day out of time...

I'm still laughing over Demeter's comment on my post earlier in the week... just in case you didn't pick it up this is someone we know and love - and her L is just a few weeks younger than boy-o. Oh, and she is also expecting an addition to her family, in a different way to ours mind you.



Demeter said...
We had a conversation with L about you also having a second child. I tried to explain that not all families are made by growing a baby in your tummy.
Her response was that "so sometimes you grow one and sometimes, it is like Dumbo and you get one brought and your mummy looks after you just the same?"

So what I think my daughter is saying is that you are a crazy elephant :)


So there we are - forever fixed in minds as an elephant....thanks for that L



 Today we have had a family day.... nobody did the usual things today. I didn't go to work, today M didn't go to work, and boy-o didn't do school nursery. Instead we went to the adoption toddler group and then the hospital this afternoon.

The group this morning was fab, full of people that I know, both from when we went regularly and from adoption support group. It was lovely to see people that I've got to know through the process with their children. It was even nicer to see those people that I relied on for support in the early days. I was able to have conversations about second time adoptions, and know I'd get support.

Even better, the social worker that was their this morning, was the one who we visited last week. When I was talking about it - and someone asked if we were on a roll, I looked at her, and she said 'yes, you're on a roll.' And in parting, she said she'd see us soon.... fingers crossed.

This afternoon was better than expected and worse than expected. The drops went in his eyes better than last time, he didn't complain as much. It worked, his eyes were checked. There was no big change in his eyesight; no reason for his sight not improving. He's been referred to have his optical nerve checked.... I'm not sure that I'm entirely happy over that.

snow

This week, is one to remember... it's been interesting. Snow and small boys mix really well. Tiredness and small boys not so much!

Monday everywhere was shut due to the snow, so we went to the community centre at Church, met up with friends and their children. We did some preparation work for Brownies, we had lunch, the children played. The children played some more; actually it was lovely, we had 12 children aged from 9months to 9years playing nicely with each other.

The snow did make things more interesting; we are reduced to one car on the road - the other has spent most of the week at the bottom of our sloping drive with 6 inches of snow on it! The car that is running has winter tyres on it. It has meant getting boy-o to the childminder before going to work has been more difficult than normal... I've been dropping M and him off in the village at 7.10 in the morning, to walk the rest of the way.

Today we met up with our favourite adoptive family... we went to a local play place and the boys had an amazing time. I spent a couple of hours talking to my friend, and we both allowed ourselves to get excited about the possiblility of number 2 - she has the same doubts and concerns as me. But we both know if it's meant to be, it will be.

Tomorrow is boy-o's eye test at the hospital. He hates it, and I hate it. He hates it because it hurts, I hate it because it hurts him. I'm hoping we'll get some answers though, why hasn't his eyesight improved?

Moments to remember...

My little boy amazed me this evening... I mean he is amazing, and constantly surprises me, but this was a big 'oh' moment.

We are spending a lot of time talking about 'little brother or little sister'. And once again this evening getting ready for sleep we were chatting about whether he wants a little sister like A or a little brother like T (both children he sees pretty regularly). He responded he wanted a sister S (his cousin) and once again I started the conversation with him about how not all families are built like ours, and that 'little brother or little sister' would be living with someone else because their birth mummy and daddy couldn't look after them

And he responded

'they'll have a mummy P.... (his birth mother's name)'

And we I built on that, all the while going, 'wow, wow, he's starting to get it' inside.

We often talk a basically about adoption, and about why he's in care, and about his birth mother. He often appears not to be listening, or taking it in, or just changes the topic (as 3 year old's do). But apparently he is taking it in. I need to get on with that life story book!

And in other news... we saw a social worker this week; our social worker. She scared me, by mentioning that it will not take long to update PAR, and that we could be looking at a child been placed this year; by which I mean academic year. We could (could note) have a child placed by September!