2nd Home Study Visit

We had another meeting with our social worker this morning. I still think that she is nice and knows her job really well. We spent some time doing general chit-chat and then moved onto our family trees/history.

M started with his and looked at grandparents, aunts & uncles, cousins and children of. The idea is that as well as sharing your family tree that we share our memories of the people, and how important they were when growing up and how important they are now. This lets the social worker know about your family life and what things were like growing up for you.

We spoke about his parent's and his sister (and her family) and how they have reacted to the news of us wanting to adopt. We talked about his mum's nervousness about it, but SW seemed really understanding of the difficulties that you can have with potential grandparents. We talked about our nieces and how much we have to do with them.

M spent over an hour on his family tree and I just started mine. It was a short meeting today and SW had somewhere else to be. Therefore the next meeting will be more about my family history, but as we are away next week (hurrah for Scotland) it'll be two weeks before we see her again.

I need to think of a better name for our social worker SW just seems so impersonal!

Isn't it odd, I can go for weeks without an adoption conversation, and then in the week that we start our home study, I can't get away from them.

I've had conversations with all sorts of people, from my friend last night who yet again said 'you will be a good mum, I can't wait for it to happen to you', this was after a long in depth discussion about what happened on Monday. I had a conversation with Head (of the school) about the home study, what the process is, and where we are, he thankfully approved my next 6 appointments for the homestudy with pay. I've had conversations with my Mum, about what is happening, and what she can do to help. I've had to talk through the process of the homestudy, so many times this week, I'm beginning to think that I could do it in my sleep.

But it is all positive. I feel positive. I am sure that we are doing the right thing. And there will be more waiting, but I can see a gorgeous beam of hope shining.

First Home Study Meeting

We've met our social worker... and she seems nice. She arrived early this morning, which I think is a positive sign, I'd hate to have been waiting around for her.

Started off with general chit - chat. We talked about the things that are involved in the home study, and had to dig out passports, driving licences, birth and marriage certificates to show her - luckily we could lay our hands on them straight away.

We talked about how we had found the prep group, and what else we'd like more information about. We talked about the reading that I've been doing and what she suggested a couple more books to look at, Primal Wound and Theraplay, both of which I've looked at, but the library doesn't have and they're not cheap! We discussed the birth mother and the adopted adult (not related) that we met on the prep course and how their stories had impacted us.

We talked about the child/ren that we would like to adopt. She seemed delighted that we didn't necessarily want a tiny baby and the fact that we had rationalised this out. Our argument is that we can't actually have a baby, adoption (from foster care) is different, and therefore we want to acknowledge the difference rather than hide it. We talked about birth families, and that there will always be a child shaped hole in the birth family, and a birth family shaped hole in the child/ren's lives.

We obviously covered lots more than this! General topics included attachment, adoption stories of people that we know (both adopted and adoptees). Stories about children I know through school - i.e. how parenting can have an impact. We talked about schools - she said that she is presently working with a family whose child is in reception and has been excluded from school before they are 5. It's a fantastic school - at least by ofsted measures. I said that I know that a good school might not know how to deal with 'difficult' children, citing where I work compared to the schools just up the road!

We talked for about 2 hours, but this did include about 30 mins trying to sort out the next 6 sessions! After that she will be meeting our families (those that it is possible to) and some of our referees. As she only works part time, she admitted it might take her longer than normal to write up our report for panel, but that we should be approved before Christmas. Then they would hope to match us up with a child/ren within the next year.

I'm relieved that the first meeting is over - and feel happy that we are making progress. She seemed happy that we talk and have talked about adoption issues, and are starting to think about how to parent an adopted child!

First Social Worker Visit

May 17th... that's only three weeks away. Woo!!!

What If

The fantastic Mel (with Resolve) has another project up and running.
And this is my answer to a question; although I started out to answer another question...

What if I can never just be happy with what I have and stop being angry, bitter, and sad about what I do not?

I remember I once very angrily stating to a close friend that 'I am a failure'. I got such a look of horror and shock and a talk about how I am not a failure. And yet I am a failure at one of the core roles that society has given to women, I cannot get pregnant in anything approaching a normal manner, and when I got pregnant I miscarried. I am not a proper woman.

And even now, that is my core belief. And that's the thing with infertility, it changes those core beliefs about yourself. Once, in what seems like another lifetime, I was young, carefree, happy, married and excited about where life was going to take us. And that is gone; and I'm fearful that I might never be carefree, happy and excited about life again.

That core belief has the effect of making me bitter and sad. It's that core belief of failure, and not accepting that my way is going to be as good (although different) that causes me to cry when I see new babies, or hear that someone is pregnant. Even though we have our plan; I still get sad when I think about how easily what I want with every fibre of my being has come to other people.

I get angry, I get irrationally angry. And the angry comes and fades with no warning. That's not normal, but it's my new normal. I can't help what is, I just have to accept it. And that's scary, because what if I never achieve the peace that I find. That whilst I do have peace for a time, it comes and goes.

I can't believe, even at these moments of moving forwards, that I will ever be the same person again. That all the pain will somehow fade; and I can become that care free person again. And whilst there are parts of me now that are ugly and nasty, there are also some good things that have come from the pain.

What if this is a learning curve? What if I have learnt more empathy? What if because of this I am a better person?

If you want to know more
about infertility - visit resolve
about National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW)
the what if questions

Adoption and God

I'm beginning to see the attracting of Wordpress - in that whole 'password protect post' kind of way... but I'm staying here for the moment, accepting that I'm not going to be able to write the post that I need to write at the moment.

In other news...

I spent a little time last night with one of my friends, she is always brutally honest and whenever I am with her, when it's just us, I still end up in tears (more often than not she joins me). We both accept that this is the way that things need to be, because it is healing. She started the conversation off with...

'that text was from A, she was were you are for a long time, but she came down on the lucky side of the fence. Actually she got the card 'you're going to be a mother' card that I brought. I kept thinking that I should have got 2 and then your luck might have changed.'

I responsed that it seems unlikely that my luck would have been any different whether or not she had brought two cards.

We then started talking about adoption, and got onto the whole God thing. How this is God's plan for me - in her view... and whilst I have a strong belief in God (and yes it has waivered), I am of the strong opinion that this isn't God's plan for me. How could a loving, caring God have a plan that means so much pain and hurt? I just accept now that 'this is what is', that whilst God is there, and he is a loving God, he has no control over what has happened, to my way of thinking the doctors at the hospital are better people to question over this.

She looked at me quizzically, and I explained the following to her:
that she'd said within the first 5 mins of the conversation that 'we are going to be amazing parents' and how if that was the case, is it that we still aren't parents? That what we have gone through cannot be God's plan, because how can a loving caring God, cause me (and so many others) to suffer through infertility, and whilst we might eventually be able to adopt a child, that isn't the outcome for everybody. How can this possibly be God's plan? 'this is what is'

She acknowledged what I said - but I know that I didn't explain myself enough to convince her. I know that (hopefully) at some point we will have our family. Is it what we dreamed of, no, because if it was why would we have put ourselves through so much. Is it the right thing for us now, yes. BUT that does not make it the right thing for everyone.

Building the bonds of attachment...

Gosh, it's been a nearly a month - no excuses other than business at work, I could talk about GCSE coursework, and A level practical exams but it would be boring. However, it's the Easter holidays now... two weeks off work!

I've just finished reading a fascinating book 'Building the Bonds of Attachment' (Dan Hughes). I'm not saying it's an easy read, but it looks at the problems that a neglected child (with attachment issues) might face when it comes to living in a foster or adoptive home.

The book starts by looking at Katie's life at home with her birth parents. The acts that show 'good enough parenting' and then eventually the 'not coping'. It then moves through 3 foster homes with experienced and less experienced parents. It talks about the normal therapy that she had. It talks through the eventual break down of foster home no. 3, due to her behaviour and need to control.

The book then talks about the fourth foster home and the new therapist that was found for Katie. It takes about how Katie's new foster mum parented her, so that she couldn't get into so much trouble. It talks about the stresses and strains. It discusses the type of therapy that actually helped, where Katie was allowed to play and become relaxed, but also made to face tough things in her place.

It showed the type of parenting that we might have to do. It was an amazing book. I have to return it to the library tomorrow, but I want to get my own copy. I get the feeling that re-reading the book at a later point will help me get more out of it.