Things we wish our family/friends knew about infertility …

Read this document from RESOLVE and share it with others. Please keep in mind that this medical condition affects 1 in every 6 couples.Things we wish our family/friends knew about infertility …

1. That it is probably the most devastating thing that we will ever experience.
2. That it deeply affects our self-esteem.
3. That it affects our relationships with everyone that we know.
4. That it interferes with our day to day functioning.
5. That the medications make us moody and emotional and cause us to gain weight.
6. That it makes us feel violated.
7. That it is very expensive to go through treatment and to adopt.
8. That it is emotionally draining.
9. That it changes our lives forever - We will never again be the same people that we once were.
10. That people experiencing infertility have depression rates that are equal to those experiencing cancer.
11. That it is a life-altering experience.
12. That it makes us question everything we ever believed in.
13. These are medical issues, not lifestyle issues. Talk to us as you would someone who has heart disease, diabetes, or any other medical condition. Be a sounding board for the tests, results, side effects, etc of the treatments. NEVER suggest relaxing or having sex more often, or adopting (ie: if you adopt, you will become pregnant).
14. Realize that a pregnancy that results from infertility is not the same as others. Infertile couples may have a hard time easing up and enjoying their pregnancy. After being used to receiving disappointment, pregnancy is not yet the end of the road.
15. Even though your intentions are good, you will probably say something that is offensive to us because this is such a sensitive subject.
16. No matter how close the friendship, it will be hard to completely connect with fertile friends.
17. There is always something there that others cannot understand, even when you do try so hard to empathize.
18. Infertility affects all aspects of your life and the pain is inescapable. You are confronted with it at work, at the mall, walking down your street, on television, with family and friends when they don’t even know it. Kids are life’s common denominator. When you can’t participate in these conversations (and they are everywhere) you just don’t fit in anywhere.
19. Baby showers are one of the most painful events that we can be asked to attend.
20. In this day and age people need to be more cognitive that some people may want kids and are having trouble and some people may not want children for certain reasons. It is not up to family/friends to provide a running commentary on the issue. You never know the situation of the person you are talking to (some people are not open about their infertility treatments) so it’s better to err on the side of caution and not make a lot of pregnancy comments/questions.
21. To remember that if I am acting mad at times, I am not mad at you, I am mad at my life.
22. That I will talk about things that are happening with my treatment when I am ready and your probing and questions do not make me any readier to discuss “what I am going to do next.”
23. It’s hard to know what I will be doing next. If there were a script, it would be easier to predict the future, but everyone is different.
24. That unless you have done what I’ve done and been through what I have been through, you can’t possibly know how I feel and can’t possibly know what to tell me to do about the pain and frustration that infertility brings.
25. That I will be okay again, but I don’t know when. So when I seem okay, just accept that as a good thing for the moment, and don’t press me, because I don’t know how long the feeling okay again thing will last.
26. Going through infertility is like being on a roller coaster. There are constant ups and downs and surprising drops We never know what is around the next curve and work very hard to just stay fastened in our seats.
27. Infertility is a journey that will take us to many places we never thought of or knew about and it will shape us into new people (some of our newness will be good and some will not be) and change how we look at and deal with everything in our lives. Once you’ve been on this journey you are never the same again.
28. The thing that I wish people knew is that the sadness that accompanies infertility sometimes comes unexpectedly and at the most awkward moments. I wish I could plan my depression! But unfortunately, it just doesn’t work out like that. Of course, these moments come when I’m surrounded by other people– watching TV with a group and you see a commercial with a couple holding a baby– totally unrelated to parenting, pregnancy or whatever, but it’s just the image that is devastating. Or driving in a car and a song comes on the radio that talks about babies, parents: “Isn’t She Lovely” by Stevie Wonder, “She’s Having My Baby”.
29. For me (as I’m sure it is for a lot of people experiencing infertility) the greatest fear is that I will never have a child. Each failed treatment cycle, especially as your treatment gets more high-tech, makes this fear even larger. If we could just somehow know that we would have a child, a lot of the stress would be alleviated.
30. I wish family and friends could understand why holidays, baby showers, and just hearing about or being around other people’s children and pregnant woman, can be so hard sometimes.
31. That medical treatments are very painful, emotionally and physically That infertility is a degrading experience. We often feel like failures, like our bodies our not our own, like everyone in the world has touched us, and most especially that the most private part of our lives (our physical relationship with our spouse) has been completely invaded.
32. That infertility treatment is very clinical and definitely is not “fun.” That treatment cycles move very slowly, so try to be patient. We are at the mercy of the medical world.
33. That grief is a VERY important part of the healing process for us. Please let us be sad when we need to be. We have to mourn our losses.

5 years and still not pregnant

I can't think of anything else to say just at the minute. The anger, pain, and loss will all follow.

I saw a post today on one of the message boards I visit, and it made me think... really think. I repsonded as follows;

Hi,
So I started to reply on the board for all to see, and then realised that I wasn't comfortable with everyone seeing what I was saying (not because I don't want them to know I am Christian but it's a personal journey) - so lucky you, you get an e-mail instead.

So onto me and what I think... and bare in mind, it is just me, I have no right or wrong answers. Sorry if I offend.

I have had lots of moments of shouting 'Why?'at God, and I think anyone (and I don't mean just people struggling with FI) who is going through a painful experience has moments like that. We were put into a really difficult situation, when told by our Consultant that although there was no medical reason for ICSI he felt that for us it would be the best solution. Now, I had got round IVF in my head in that there was still an element of chance (natural selection, or whatever) as the best sperm would fertilise the egg. Now at the point that I over stimmed, had loads of follies, but then had 7 eggs, none of which fertilised normally, I could see what the Dr was saying - but I wasn't sure it was 'right'.

I had to look deep inside myself, and actually work out my beliefs. I talked and talked and talked BUT not to everyone. I talked to some really good friends that i could trust. I talked to the Minister at Church. And I battled. I prayed so much, and for so many different things, for strength, for courage, for guidance. It was pointed out to me time and time again that... (and this is the difficult bit)

God loves us, and he loves us despite ourselves. He's not here to hurt us. I firmly believe that there is a reason for this journey, and whilst at times the pain is unbearable, there are times of joy as well. God's hand is guiding us to do the right thing. My big hangup was the lack of chance, the lack of just because. But our Minister turned to me and said 'Who are you to say where God is? Who are you to say he's not in the hand that picks the sperm?' Well he brought me up short that day - and reminded me that God's plan is there fore us. I have always believed that I will have whatever children God blesses us with, and if I end up with lots of frozen embies, I will donate them to couples that have no eggs or sperm. I firmly believe that if I could I would donate my eggs - but who'd have my dodgy eggs?

I can't tell you why we decided in the end it was right for us, but eventually after a lot of talking and prayer we did decide to go down the ICSI route, and it worked, I got 3 fertilised eggs, I had 2 transferred. I mourned the loss of the 1 that wasn't good enough for the freezer. I prayed a lot, and a miracle happened, they (or one) implanted. I celebrated, I praised God! And then I started to bleed... I miscarried before I got to my 6 week scan. I was suppose to be having the scan on my 30th birthday. It's now nearly 3 months on, and I am grieving the loss of my babies still. We had 3 lives, and none of the them could make it. Was it God's judgement on us for choosing ICSI? No, I don't believe so, it was a lesson I needed to learn. I thought having battled to get pregnant, that that would be it - not so. I learnt a lot from it and I still am. But my belief is God does not waiver, and the comfort that can be gained.

Throughout my fertility journey I have had the prayer group at Church praying for me, although initially most of them didn't know who they were praying for. Throughout my journey before taking the next step, I have prayed and tried to discover the path forwards for us, and I have always felt God's guiding hand. And when I felt so much pain, that I couldn't feel his hand, I was faced with real words. I have spent 3 months trying to discover if I could face it again. The answer was obviously not - I can't do anything, but with God on my side, maybe I can. We have taken the difficult decision to have another attempt - prompted believe me, when one day you find yourself talking to someone who is prepared to pay for your cycle and then the next day you are in Church listening to a sermon about the fact there are no coincidences - just God incidences, you have to believe you are being led.

It was a startling reminder to me to see a message on the board today asking about ICSI and the morality. Because to be honest, the amount of people that I have said we are having ICSI to, is very small. And I can use the excuse 'but people don't understand' but it is only an excuse. I am not comfortable with people knowing and judging. But why should I worry - God judges and no-one else matters.

I went to the evening service this evening at Church. Which was what was required - a sense of peace, and sermon was basically about the fact that God is everywhere! But we were also reminded that in the Church we are possibly closer to God than anywhere else. God's love is everywhere. How awesome is that?