Getting There

update

2012-01-29T13:33:00.000-08:00

I can't quite believe it's the end of January....many times this month, I've thought I need to blog about that, or think about this. But it's not happened. In brief, work, work, Christening (which was wonderful and deserves a post), parental issues - both mine and M's, work, other people's pregnancies and infertility. It's been a busy month!

I keep wondering if the reason I am struggling to blog, is because I'm a little lost with where to take the blog. Do I continue to blog about my issues with infertility - PCOS and endometriosis haven't been cured by adoption. Do I continue to blog about our adoption journey, what's happening and what's not. Do I blog as a mother? Or do I continue to use this space to empty my head - which is probably what I ought to do, accept that I won't ever keep everyone happy - but remember that this is my space.

2012 has started out to be a normal year. New friends to socialise with, new colleagues at work, old friends to socialise with, old colleagues to relax with. Boy-o is attending pre-school and loving it, although we had a rocky couple of weeks at the start of the month. I'm working 3 days a week, leaving him with 2 different childminders - which is working out really well. He adores his 'main' childminder and the other children that he sees there. He enjoys the experiences that he has with his other childminder. I'm not convinced I've done the right thing going back to work, but equally it is amazing when I'm there in the classroom, doing the job that I love.

However, in my mind there is a looming... boy-o's half brother was born at the end of last summer, last we heard they were starting adoption proceedings for him.....and there in lies the looming. There is a little thought sitting there, wondering... are we ready, is boy-o ready, or do we accept that we will only ever have the one child.

Finally - whilst I was exchanging texts tonight... I reminded myself how lucky we are! We seemed to have been blessed by one of the 1/3 of adopted children who have some problems, not one of the 1/3 with significant problems, or one of the 1/3 with severe problems. However, we did adopt a 2 year old, which we'd never intended to, we'd always talked about a 3 year old or 4 year old, and he has many, many 2 year traits... but we love and adore him, I can't imagine having any other child. He is ours, and he will always be one of us.

that was the year that was....

2011-12-29T13:36:00.000-08:00

As we run swiftly towards the new year, I can't help but wonder at the year that has been.

This time last year - we'd been given some photo's of boy-o, we'd heard about him from his social worker (need I say... she's useless), and our social worker had seen him and his foster mum.

January brought forth meetings, meeting his foster carer, meeting the contact supervisor, and lots of talking. We heard more about our boy - the fact he is placid although active. That he eats anything (nearly), that he is a social animal. That he was behind in speech and motor movement.

February brought forth the most important meeting (meeting him), matching panel and the meeting with the paediatrician. She shared what she knew - she shared what she understood of his health issues; we looked at potential warning signs.

Panel - the day our lives changed forever, seems like a lifetime ago. When we sat in that room waiting for their decision....and then we got the yes - and the planning could begin.

Meeting boy-o came on the very last day of February....

March continued with introductions, then moving day, then his birthday. A review meeting to see how things were going.

April, May, June, July & August were taken up with meeting friends and family. The occasional official visit (review meetings, social workers etc)

September brought a special meeting for me - we met boy-o's birth brothers - who are adopted together. It was amazing to meet them and see how alike and different they are. We also had another hospital visit - with boy-o this time.

October - we meet boy-o's birth mum - the more I dwell on this meeting, the happier I am that we did it. I feel so sorry for her, none of this is her fault...

Nov - court date. Boy-o is ours for good.

and into December - our first Christmas - and it's been amazing.

The year has gone so fast, and has been so deeply wound around our little boy. When we were asked a few weeks ago whether we could remember what we did before he came - the answer was no.

We have so much to be grateful for...this year has been amazing. Next year will bring new joys and experiences, as well as new troubles and grief.

The year hasn't been easy, or full of happy, trouble free times and I apologise if I have ignored my blog a lot. It's been difficult to find time to post, and sometimes inclination as my whole world shrunk very fast. I wouldn't change it for anything - parenting boy-o is harder than I could possibly explain in so many ways, but brings so much joy and delight to us.

I hope that you have many good times to look back upon - and if not - that this coming year brings hope and peace to you.

Happy Christmas...

2011-12-24T13:56:00.000-08:00

It's Christmas Eve and we've had a wonderful day! Cuddles in bed this morning - followed by a day that this time last year was only a wish, a dream.

We went on a family walk this morning - we do like to when we can! Boy-o fell face first into a muddy puddle and M and I struggled all the way round not to laugh when we looked at his mud splattered face!

This afternoon was special - a proper Christmas activity with wonderful friends. We went on a Santa Express train, there was serious awe and wonder - I don't know which impressed boy-o more - the train or Santa. He seriously enjoyed it - then tea afterwards with our friends. He loves those children - they are special - all of them! He had a complete ball - 7 children from 1 through to 12 - and my friend's little girl who is just a few weeks younger than him and he played so nicely together.

We got home, boy-o went to bed and M and I prepared for tomorrow. I'm sitting with a mound of presents.

I can't believe we've made it - that after all the time, and effort that it took, we are finally looking forward to Christmas with our little man. I am very emotional about it - and I cannot wait to see the look on his face tomorrow. We are so blessed by this wonderful child in our life - so, so blessed.

Merry Christmas to you - and if you don't celebrate Christmas I wish you joy and happiness in whatever you do decide to do tomorrow.

Christmas Eve's Eve

2011-12-23T11:52:00.000-08:00

We've been so busy the last couple of days - but we are there. I have made all the remaining Christmas presents - and delivered most of them. I have wrapped.... and wrapped... and wrapped - our spare bedroom is reasonably full of presents. I have made and iced 3 traditional rich fruit cakes - two have been delivered elsewhere.

Tomorrow we are going on a Santa Express with two good friends and their children (plus a few others). After that we are having a party tea with them before coming home and trying to get a small excited boy to sleep. Father Christmas is going to delivery some new pyjamas for all of us whilst we are out - and then come back later for a stocking fill up.

The house is clean, the shopping is done, we are ready! And if we're not - we'll muddle through. Merry Christmas to each and everyone of you - I hope you have something to small to look forward to, even if you are dreading the day itself! M and I for years have gone walking... and I'm not sure we will this year!

Happy ICLW

2011-12-21T10:26:00.000-08:00

Happy ICLW - I promise that tomorrow I will comment and do a proper post - there is one just below if you really want. I've had one of those frantic days that we get in the run up to Christmas and we are out this evening at our one 'Christmas do' - missed all 3 of my work ones - but going to M's tonight!

I'm nh, married to M and this time last year we had just heard about a little boy of 1 3/4... we meet him in Feb, he came home in Mar and he's now ours legally. Lots to talk about - after 10 years finally having a child around at this time of year is taking some getting my head around!

I promise more words tomorrow!

Return to work... and stuff!

2011-12-20T07:10:00.000-08:00

I always feel a little down at this time of year - literally the day we break up for Christmas holidays - tomorrow I will feel fine, but today just a bit bluergh. I think that for so many years the start of the Christmas holidays has been about the ending of another year - and the things that have gone on in that year come and rest a while with me. I wonder if I'm struggling today, because although I have had an amazing year (with difficult patches make no mistake) but I know so many other people who haven't.

One of our Church friends died recently - don't get me wrong he wasn't young, but he lived on our road, and we always stopped and chatted when we saw him. I knew he wasn't well, I'd seen him recently - but to hear of his death.... we looked out the window one day and saw a police car and ambulance responder at his end of the street - and I didn't really think anything of it. Later I was told of his passing - and the fact that he died alone (it turns out his next door neighbour called for the police when he couldn't get a response) and no one at Church knew anything about his next of kin. To know someone, who was well known, liked and respected - and then think about him dying alone...

I have so many friends with so many things going on for them, big things and little things. Friends with partners with cancer, friends with ill children, friends who are spending the festive season alone, friends who are spending their first Christmas without a loved parent. I can't help but let my heart break a little for them. I know what it's like to dread Christmas, to not want to think about new life, to not want to celebrate...

But this year will be so different.... I have so many presents for our little chap. He is going to be spoilt - and not just by us. We are blessed - not just with boy-o (although he is a real blessing) but with so many lovely friends and family.

So that's the stuff - now the return to work!

Which has been good and bad and everything in between. I'm glad that I went back for those few days before Christmas - but it's broken my heart to leave boy-o. It was horrid this morning, when I said bye to him and put my ID badge on and he burst into tears and said 'NO'. He has enjoyed going to childminder 1's because I've kept reminding him that 'x, y and z' will be there who he loves. He also did really well on his day with childminder 2.

Been back at work has been difficult, it felt odd to be teaching - but having done 3 1/2 days, it feels normal again. It's odd not having a base - always had my own classroom in the past, now I travel. Picking up classes that are close to exams is always hard - and I have 3 lots with exams in January.

Seeing most people has been lovely - lots of hugs and smiles and joy. Lots of 'good to see you' and even some pupils threatening to hug me.... I backed away. But nice to know I've been missed. And good to have something other that my boy to worry about.

I'm glad I'm only part time. I'm not sure how I would feel leaving him 5 days a week. Having a long weekend, working 2 days, a day off, another day is actually working out okay - no matter how much the odd day grates! The best part when I picked boy-o up last week one day and we came home and he sat on my lap looking at something with me, giving me the biggest hug possible.

Lots to think about - lots to wonder about..... but I promise my next post will be more positive.... the Christmas spirit will arrive!

Meeting Birth Family...

2011-11-25T13:00:00.001-08:00

Recently we had a chance to meet boy-o's birth mother and her new partner. It was something that I really wanted to do and something that I dreaded at the same time. Am I glad we did it? Yes. Was it as awful as I thought it might be? Yes.

Boy-o has a complicated family history, which I'm not happy going into on here. Enough to say that birth father was considerable older than birth mother. I can't remember if I said, but his birth father died shortly after boy-o was born, he was however in his sixties and had smoked for a long time, and had heart problems because of the smoking. All boy-o's birth family's grandparents are now dead.

I felt sorry for birth mum before we went to the meeting, knowing her history, and I felt even more sorrow for her at the end of the meeting. She has learning difficulties, and therefore it was difficult to think about how the conversation would go.

We did find out some lovely information for boy-o. Things like that his (eldest) brother and sisters love swimming like boy-o does. That brother likes playing football - boy-o loves kicking and throwing balls around.

She didn't choose his name for any other reason than she liked it. That when she first saw him walking at contact, boy-o was running (nothing changes!)

She said that she'd like him to go to Church - we were able to say, that already happens. She'd also like him to learn to swim properly, have opportunities to play football and to go to Scouts. She wants boy-o to know that she's always loved him and always will.

We talked about what she would like to hear about in letters - she said as much as possible. How he is, what he's doing. She asked how she should refer to herself in her letters - our social worker suggested birth mum X.... she wants to make sure she can still call herself mum - which is find, because she is, but at the same time I am his mum. I'm the one he runs to when he doesn't feel secure. She wants to send and receive birthday and Christmas cards - which is fine by me.

She broke down into tears - this is was a big thing for her. She hasn't meet the couple who adopted the twins. She found it as difficult as we did. And I just felt sorry for her.

There was a little more discussed but we didn't really learn anything new, except we have a photo to show that we met. I'm so, so glad that we've met her - and hope that in the future boy-o will want to meet her and try to understand why things happened the way they did. She isn't bad and I can't portray her as such - she's just a desperate women who's had a really awful life.

Thinking about my return to work...

2011-11-22T11:51:00.000-08:00

It's only a few weeks now until I go back to work, it's over 9 months since I taught a class. Honestly, I don't want to go back, I don't want to leave my boy, no matter how much I trust the people looking after him. Whilst, I have missed seeing my colleagues, friends and pupils, but there is real dread about going back.

M & I have thought a lot about what to do for the best with boy-o in terms of childcare. We'd always planned to use a specific childminder, except that she only child minds 3 days a week, and I'm only working 2 of those. She looks after the children of a good friend of mine, and I know another person who uses her for pre and after school care. I've known her a long time and I am confident I am doing the right thing letting her look after David.

She is older and calmer. She is structured and has routines, as well as high expectations. She has lots of toys to play with, but not expensive things, lots of cars, trains, books, dressing up clothes. She makes sure that they are outside for part of everyday. She may not be up to date on the latest childcare ideas, and she is already thinking of the things that she needs to do to prepare for OFSTED later in this academic year. But I don't care about that, she will make sure that my boy is safe, and cared for, in a really good way.

We then had a nightmare as I have to work one day that this childminder doesn't cover. We looked at nurseries, but it didn't feel right. I was talking to a childminder at the toddler group I go to on this day, and she happened to have space on that day - she didn't initially think she could do it, as she have liked to care for a child for more days during the week, rather than just one day.

She is lovely and again calm, although completely different from childminder A. She is very clear about what children should be doing and makes sure that they are developing skills. However she wants to make sure the children she looks after are happy, so if they want to bake, they do, if they want to paint, they do, if they want to play with play dough, they do. She keeps detailed records, and has provided me with all the information I could ever need from her.

They are totally different, but they are both so right for my boy. And if he is happy, then I will be happier going back to work. That's all I really need!

A court date for us!

2011-11-21T10:40:00.000-08:00

I seem to be doing really badly at updating my blog. I don't think it's because I've outgrown it but more because I seem to be so busy at the minute.

Hello if you are here from ICLW... have a look around but briefly - I'm nh, I usually teach secondary school science (presently on adoption leave). I live in Yorkshire, UK, with my husband M, and our boy - called boy-o. We also have a dog, a cat and several fish. Today we've been to court to celebrate the adoption of boy-o - which has been a magical day.

So today... we heard last week as I've already posted that the adoption had been approved and we were legal as of last week. But today was for us! We went into town, along with my parents and M's parents and met at court our social worker and boy-o's social worker. We sat in a court room, and waited.....luckily I had put a little magnetic drawing board into my bag for a certain young man.

After a little while 3 magistrates came in, and said introduced themselves, and asked who were the parents and of course they spotted boy-o. They asked a few questions about how we'd found the process, so I was able to praise the adoption team. Boy-o was presented with a book, I got flowers and we were given a certificate saying that we'd been - although it has no legal meaning, it's still lovely to have.

We then had photos taken. Boy-o, M and I behind the desk, then joined by grandparents, then social workers and finally the magistrates. Lots of photos.

To celebrate we went out for a meal - except GD (my dad) as he had to work :-(... and then this afternoon M and I (with my mum) went to the nearest Build-A-Bear Workshop and my boy picked out a cuddly monkey which we stuffed and then made a birth certificate for with today's date on - so they both have a certificate with the same date on! They are presently in bed cuddling up to each other!

It seems right to have ended with flowers. The real adoption process started back in Feb when I left school - with many flowers and it was formalised last week and today - with more flowers. We were also given flowers from Church to celebrate boy-o's adoption.

Legal!

2011-11-14T12:06:00.000-08:00

It seems some what right that my 400th post is one full of joy and hope.

He's ours, he's ours, he's ours.

Our social worker and his social worker went to court today - the judge decided that 'adoption was in boy-o's best interest' and he is now legally ours.

Boy-o's birth mum went today as well, she was entitled too, which is why we didn't go. She said that she objected to the adoption, which will be put on record, but it couldn't stop the adoption.

As of 4.08pm he legally became one of us - he's been one of us for ages - and initiates family hugs at bed time. But it's joyous to know that we is legal. I was panicking because we should have heard before we did; but they were running late. I'd started to think something had gone horribly wrong, but it hadn't just running late.

Adoption in the news...

2011-10-31T13:56:00.000-07:00

So adoption is in the headlines again today.... which is possibly as it should be as it's national adoption week. However, yet again, it's not positives but negatives and criticisms. Adoption is too slow... children are waiting too long, league tables, naming and shaming. But no solutions offered.

Cameron has decided that it's awful for children to be waiting for so long in the care system. And has published a league table of % of children placed within a year. However, the way to improve this according to the government is to Name and Shame those councils who are worst performing.... which will probably not improve the system at all! And as one of the so called worst performing councils stated - most of their adoptions are successful... slow but when made they stick!

I haven't got the answers - and yes perhaps it should be a little faster - rather than the average being over 2 and half years in care, perhaps the aim should be to get the average down to less than 2 years. But, more money, more training, would surely be an improvement rather than 'naming and shaming'.

Adoption should be the last the resort for children. Therefore surely it is important that social workers carefully consider plans for children. It would be better for my son, not to be my son. It would be better if he was been brought up by his birth mother if it was at all possible. It isn't, but he would have an easier life in some respects if it was. Adoption should not be plan A, or even plan B. It is not a magic answer, which removes all issues.

Many, many children (in the UK) in the care system are damaged by their birth parents. Adoption doesn't remove that damage - it's their for good. Even my precious boy-o, is damaged as at aged 2 he lost his foster carers, the only parents he really knows.

Spending up adoption, without appropriate checks would possibly lead to more newsworthy stories. To have more adoptions, you need to have more adoptive parents - our agency has about 80 children waiting at the moment....and the parents aren't necessarily there to adopt those children. And yes, there are adoptive parents waiting, but they are waiting for different children.

Our agency did okay in the tables - apparently between 80 & 90% of children are adopted within a year of coming into care. Boy-o is in the other 10-20% - he waited 2 years.

Speeding up adoptions is not easy, or fast, or cheap! And there are no quick fixes - and perhaps David Cameron should recognise this!

look how far we've come...

2011-10-21T13:59:00.000-07:00

I wasn't going to post tonight, but I felt a need to. Please look at my previous post for a quick ICLW intro and questions about pushchairs!

This time last year we'd just been approved to adopt. I'm presently typing one handed as our son is curled up on me. He is asleep but if I try to move him, he'll wake up and start crying. He's been to bed but coughed himself awake, and got into a real state. 'Mummy, mummy, mummy' all he would say until he fell asleep on my lap. Dreams do come true!

ICLW and pushchairs

2011-10-20T11:54:00.001-07:00

Welcome if you are here from ICLW - I've not taken part for a few months after a complete failure last time. However, I am trying to blog more again; and I need to start to commenting more again.

I'm nh - married to M, living in a beautiful part of Yorkshire, UK. We met our son, boy-o in Feb, and he moved home in March. He was taken into care at birth; and stayed in foster care until we brought him home. In the next month we will be legal - I can't wait. Unfortunately shortly after that I will be returning to work - boo hiss, part-time, but still work!

I'm having issues about pushchairs/strollers at the moment.... I'd like to hear your opinions!
Boy-o is 2y 7m, however he is very tall for his age, and is robust not skinny! We brought his present pushchair before we met him, and it's done fantastically well and is amazing, but it's getting too small for him (a normal sized 2 year old would be fine in it). We need to replace it, especially as he will be going to a childminder (who doesn't drive) whilst I am at work.

Until he moved in with us, he had never walked outside (apart from in garden). If his foster carers were going out he went in pushchair - I can't blame them. He does now do quite a bit of walking locally (with the dog) but we live on the side of a hill, we either go up and then down, or down and then up. He attends preschool up the hill. He can't walk up there, and when he's finished he's too tired to walk home. We use the pushchair lots.

He's also extremely active and very into everything. When we shop I tend to put him in his pushchair so that he is easier to control. If I am just going into one shop, I will get him to walk, but it's really hard work, as I have to keep constant check on his arms and legs. And yes, I know that's normal! He does walk happily for a couple of miles, but in town he lags and drags and is generally a complete pain and no good if you are rushing.

Because he is so heavy, there are a certain amount of pushchairs that we can't buy - they are only tested to 15kg/33lbs in the UK, so any UK only pushchairs that aren't tested for more than this are out. We have a short list of 3 pushchairs....

Pushchair no1 Chicco - is the cheapest, but won't fit in the boot of my car. Boy-o fits okay, it is an okay pushchair - but it won't fit into my car!

Pushchair no 2 Maclaren Techno XT or XLR - will just about fit in the boot of my car, and can be brought second hand cheap enough. But when we sat him in one, he didn't look particularly comfortable, and whilst there was plenty of room for his body to grow, I'm not sure how his long legs would work as he gets taller.

Pushchair no 3 Baby Jogger Mini City - will fit in the car easily. but I can't find it cheap second hand, it's almost as expensive as I can find it new. When we tried it, he looked comfy, there was a really lovely foot rest, which would keep his feet well away from the wheels. But is far more money, than I actually want to spend.

So what do I do?
Do I start making him walk everywhere - remember 7 months ago he walked nowhere.
Do I buy the cheap pushchair and leave it at the childminders, and make him walk everywhere with us.
Do I buy the second hand Maclaren's - which would be better than where we presently are.
Or Do I fork out the for the expensive buggy and hope I can sell it second hand when we are finished with it?

Decisions, decisions, decisions.... and I have to say - this is a distraction from a big decision that hasn't yet really presented itself, but has been mentioned in passing!

death and balance

2011-10-14T04:46:00.000-07:00

I read Mel's posts yesterday about Steve Jobs' Death and the Wolvog. Like so many other people when I heard that Steve Jobs had died my thoughts turned to that family; and that little boy to whom Steve Jobs is/was so important... But as I was reading the second post my heart was filling with sorry, and tears were streaming. It took me a while to realise why it had effected me so much, but eventually it came to me...

In the post, Mel talks about how after they learnt that heroes die, they travelled the path to one day parents die and that eventually they would die.

And that's the point at which my heart broke - both for ChickieNob and the Wolvog and my boy. Because although we repeatedly tell him that we love him, and that he will be with us forever...we also talk about his birth family and why he came to be in care. And occasionally we speak about his birth father and how boy-o only met him twice before his birth father died. And at some point that conversation will start to make sense... and at some point he will realise what death is.

Boy-o's birth father died before he was 2 weeks old.... but at some point boy-o will understand what that means and start making those connections. If his birth father can die - surely that means that my promise of forever isn't true, because one day something will happen to me and M, I want it to happen far, far in the future, but no-one can predict what will happen next week. I've promised my boy that he is with us forever - and that's a promise for a two year old. But at some point in the future my boy is going to realise that forever isn't going to happen. If his birth father can die, doesn't that mean that his mummy and daddy might die? And I don't want him to start wondering these things, I don't want real life to happen, and yet how can I stop it happening?

I want to keep him safe and secure. I don't want him to worry about what might happen, I want him to be happy and loved forever. And yet that isn't realistic; he has a life to live and it will be a real life full of both sorrow and joy. And I know that if there was no sorrow, you wouldn't realise how much the good things matter. If there are no tears, there can be no joy. Ying and Yang... Good and Bad - every life has to be filled with these things... and if it's not, it's not a full life.

But is it wrong to wish for different? It is wrong to admit that I want him to have a blessed life now, where his hopes and dreams can come true. My boy has had enough terrible stuff for one life, and he's two and half! But into each life will come what may, good and bad - the balance will be there, and I hope that we can teach him that's it's okay to be sad, and to cry, as well as to celebrate the good.

Sibling Meeting

2011-10-12T04:42:00.000-07:00

I know I posted about boy-o's siblings a few weeks ago. At the time Emily commented about the fact that she was surprised that the him and his siblings have been split up so much. I think because the children have been removed at different times they have been placed separately... the two oldest children have sadly been removed and put into care, and then returned more than once. The next two girls were put into care at the same time as the older two, but have never been placed back with the birth family. The twins and boy-o were removed at birth.

The twins were adopted by a couple who have an older adopted daughter. The younger of the twins have some complicated issues which means that they felt unable to adopt boy-o.

I met the twins and their mum a couple of weeks ago. It was an interesting experience - in a good way.

Boy-o shares characteristics with both of the boys. Physically he is more like the younger of the two; when J (boy3) smiled at me, it was like looking at boy-o. Their mum said that boy-o very much reminded her of boy3.

J has mild cerebral palsy; and walked on his tiptoes and tripped and is clumsy - much like boy-o. However, their Mum commented that boy-o is a much better walker than J was at the same age. J also has delayed speech; and is still delayed, he doesn't talk much more than boy-o. He had a small head at birth, and although an MRI didn't show anything, he has off days, where he really can't focus. He also chews everything - which boy-o also does!

S is not at all physically like boy-o. But character wise you can see the similarities. S loves water; as does boy-o. They are both extremely active and happy souls.

I did enjoy meeting the twins and their mum. It was fascinating to chat to their mum about them, and also talk about the birth family - we both know the story and don't need to protect our children by hiding information. I'm looking forward to seeing them again sometime soon.

The last part of Emily's question was:
'I wanted to ask you if you are allowed another adoption of kids in care, and if so if you would consider it.'
Absolutely, if it's the right thing for our family. There is a lot of discussion about it in our house - maybe, maybe not. The only thing I can say right now - is not yet!

School...

2011-10-06T05:06:00.000-07:00

I know - it's ridiculously early to be thinking about school - he's only 2 1/2. However 3 out of 4 of the local primary schools have a nursery attached, which children CAN go to for half days the September after they are 3!

Now where we live we actually have a choice of 5 primary schools, some easier and more local than others. However, none are really local, none are within walking distance for a few years.... so we have to choose.

One of them is an absolute no-no, boy-o is not going there. There is one that is my clear favourite; and the others I am ambivalent about. The one that is a clear favorite is one that has a nursery attached, and boy-o has his name down for a nursery place there - which is why we got invited to their open evening yesterday.

I'm so glad we went. I feel even more positive about it. All the parents that I know who use that school describe it as caring, nurturing and a lovely place, and that is really the impression that M and I walked away with last night. It was a trip back through time for both of us through - M went to that school in a previous incarnation, and my Mum used to teach there, and M's mum was a dinner lady there.

We went, and saw the nursery and reception set up - I was interested to see that they share a play area, and therefore my friend's little girl who will be in reception next year will be about some of the time that boy-o is playing outside... and she is caring little soul and will watch out for him. They have a lovely large classroom for nursery, with lots of areas in it, sand, role play areas, sit quietly areas, drawing etc.

We also spoke to the nursery teacher - and I did apologise for seeming like an over-anxious mother. I'd been primed by my primary school teacher friend (who sends her children there) about specific things to ask, we explained our situation and asked about transition and how they could manage it. I was absolutely reassured to hear that she has friends who have been through the adoption process and therefore she understands more than the average... she is happy that boy-o might need more than the one visit - this is fine. She is happy that he might take a while to settle, this is fine, if needs be we can stay with him. She is happy that he will probably have a photo of us with him, that is fine. Anything to make the process better - it's about building social skills, not education. And later in year they leave the doors between nursery and reception open, so the children get used to the area.

M and I came away having spoken to nursery teacher and assistant, various teachers (including one that taught with my mum), parents and pupils thinking that this really felt like the school for us. The only downside is it really is too far away to walk to... but all the schools are from our house.

It happened to be Brownie night - and I'd missed Brownies - but as soon as we walked in one of my girls came across to speak to us. And at the end I was talking to their parents and some of the others came up. They girls were really selling it - they obviously love school (might be too much to expect for our boy), and enjoy everything about it!

Next year we will tour the other local schools looking for other options, because we need to put three down when he actually starts school. But for the moment, I am happy he is going to nursery there, and hopefully will progress into the main school

PreSchool

2011-10-03T06:09:00.000-07:00

Our local village pre-school takes children at 2 1/2 years, which seems ridiculously early especially as boy-o has only been with us 6 months. But back in April I put his name down on the waiting list and he started in the middle of September.

He attends 3 mornings a week - which if it seems too many I fully intend to cut back on. But he seems to be loving it - it gives him freedom to run about and mix and socialise with other children. He comes home from pre-school talking about what he's done and who he's played with. This is really positive to me - 7 months ago he was barely talking and really only playing alongside other children - he actually interacts with them now.

There is a secondary bonus - it's getting him used to not been with me 24/7... and as I am going back to work in just over 2 months (ugh!) he's got to get used to this.

He comes home with paintings and stickings and activities that he's done. I can tell that he's not entirely settled because he's obviously flitting from one thing to another - but he's getting there. The staff are lovely and have listened when I have spoken about his anxiousness and separation anxiety... they are spending time with him, getting to know him. I wrote what felt like an essay in his second week, explaining that he will sometimes have unusual reactions to what should be common events - flashbacks!

The first week I left him, he was fine. The second week he wanted me to stay and play with him - he likes it there, but would like it more if I could play with him as well! This morning there were tears again - we'll see, we will see...

I've spoken to our SW about it - she is happy that he is settled enough to go. She knows that I will pull him out if there is any problems. I'm seeing the fact that he is upset when I leave him as a positive - he has a good attachment and likes me to be there with him! We send him with a sticker of him plus me, or him plus M or him plus the dog, so he can see us. I've got a photo laminated and put in his bag which the staff know if he gets unsettled they can pull out.

I hope we've made the right decision... sometimes it feels so mean to leave him there!

Beds...

2011-10-02T11:59:00.001-07:00

We'd talked about it for a few weeks, but last weekend we put boy-o into a 'big boy's bed', it's been both positive and negative.

When boy-o moved in back in March, he went into a cot as that was what he had slept in at his foster carers. He settled into sleeping into his new room, in his cot. He isn't necessarily the best of sleepers, but once he is asleep he stays asleep (mostly, we are over the nightly night terrors!). However, he is a tall and well built young man, and lifting him in and out of a cot isn't good for our backs!

Last Saturday we took day his cot, and put a very low bed in it's place. Boy-o was present when M was doing this, we were talking about it for the whole day, we got him excited about his new bed. We went for a long walk in the afternoon, and by bedtime he was knackered... we put him to bed and he pretty much went straight to sleep. The same on Sunday.

During the week it's been a bit more hit and miss. Sometimes he's gone straight off, sometimes he hasn't. But we will get there.

We were told he was a good sleeper, but it's come out over the past 8 months that he's not good at getting to sleep. This is something that we have now acknowledged, and we are dealing with. Once asleep he does mostly stay asleep - until 7.30 in the morning. This morning when I went in to him about 8.00 he'd obviously been awake for a bit and got out of bed to get a book - which he proudly showed me on his bed! 'book, book'

The moral - we were worried about it - no need to be, his sleeping is no better and no worse than it was previously. And the report selling him as a good sleeper - wasn't necessarily correct!

2011-10-01T11:28:00.000-07:00

Still here, still doing okay, just lacking time and the effort needed to keep upto date here, which is very poor. I promise to try to do better this month.

Updates - we have a court date, next month we will legally be a family. We are a family, but I can't wait until we have a new birth certificate with our names on as parents! His old one can go into his box to wait with the reports until he is older. It also means we can wave goodbye to the social workers - and whilst I shall miss ours, I'm not sure any of us will miss boy-o's.

Birth family

2011-09-06T11:43:00.001-07:00

I was hoping this evening to be full of information about meeting boy-o's twin birth brothers. However, the place that we were to meet at was shut, and there was no way that we could go to the local park, it's been raining cats and dogs today! Therefore I meet them briefly in the car park, chatted to their mum, and arranged to go again another day.

However I can't remember how much I've said about boy-o's siblings, whatever, it's time to update... so here goes

Boy 1 - 14 - in long term care at a residential home, has contact with birth mum, everyone is expecting in the next couple of years he will vote with his feet and go and live with bm.
Girl 1 - 8 - in long term foster care and has been since before boy-o was born, previously had lived in foster care and returned home, back to foster care, back to home, has contact with birth mum, but will remain in care
Girl 2 - 6 - in long term foster care, but has a failed adoption behind her, along with Girl 3. The plan for them both now sadly is long term foster care, but still with Girl 3
Girl 3 - 5 - as Girl 2.
Boy 2 & 3 - 3 (although coming up 4) are twins who have been adopted - the ones we should have had a longer meeting with today.
Boy 4 - is boy-o

And very recently a new half brother has been born to bm. Boy-o also has an elder half sister (in her 20's) from bf.

In our brief meeting today I got the impression that boy2&3 (I will have to call them something other than that) are cheeky and mischievous - like boy-o. That they are very alike, and I could see something of boy-o in them, but they are very blond, and boy-o isn't! I am really looking forward to speaking to their mum and finding out more about them.

Hospital visit...

2011-09-05T04:53:00.000-07:00

This morning was filled (mostly) with a trip to the hospital to see the paediatrician - who I'm glad to say reassured us, as she thinks our assessment is pretty much spot on. But I possibly need to start the saga a bit ago

About 3 months ago, coming in from the car, boy-o tripped and fell flat on his face, this unsurprisingly resulted in a nose bleed. I wasn't worried, it stopped after a couple of minutes and although he had a bit of bruising around his nose there were no side effects. The next day his social worker (a.k.a Useless) came to see us. Because boy-o doesn't know her, because she'd decided to come early in the morning, we had a bit of shaking from the boy. We've seen the shaking right from the word go, but the foster carers weren't worried - so we weren't worried. We've put it down (repeatedly) to high anxiety.

However Useless decided to discuss this with our SW (aka Lovely), who had also seen it in her earlier visits, but since boy-o had got to know her he'd stopped shaking. But this combined with his general clumsiness (hello... he's two but looks like a four year old, he falls over!) rang alarm bells in the SW's heads - does he have this? does he have that?

We were asked to take him to the GP, who said, he's a bit young to tell anything, and as long as his eye's aren't rolling back or he's not losing consciousness lets wait and see. We reported this back to both Useless and Lovely and got 'well speak to the Health Visitor about it' and Useless phoned Health visitor to talk to her.

Health visitor came and visited and we discussed the situation. As boy-o is still technically a Looked After Child, she referred us to the LAC nurse, and an appointment at the hospital. Which is what we had this morning.

A summary of this morning discussion: he's a grand lad, tall for his age, clumsy, sounds like high anxiety causing him to sake, speech still behind but coming on, we'll get his visual checked (to which I went YES internally)*, hearing fine, seems fine, coming on a treat, still behind in some areas, but advanced in others, he's a grand lad.

We were there an hour, but I came away feeling relieved that the paediatrician thinks like us, that there is nothing much wrong, and that things are improving. She has taken some blood from him (poor boy) to run some tests on mineral levels but no real concerns, just to rule out things. We will go back in 6 months just for a progress check.

* I'm glad about the visual check, because it has bothered me that nearly all his birth siblings wear glasses, and/or have squints. I asked about it previously and was told not to worry until he was 4, but if it's affected his ability to do fine motor tasks, I want it sorted sooner than that.

Friends and failing to help them...

2011-08-26T00:51:00.001-07:00

or at least one friend in particular.

Sorry this post is something that I need out of my head...

Background history... although I consider where I now live my home and would hate to leave our comfy suburb, my family only moved here when I was 14 (nearly 15), before then we lived a small village in Cambridgeshire. The area we lived in wasn't well populated and villages were spaced apart by miles. It used to take most of an hour to cycle to the next village. We went to school on a bus.... to the next village. And this was common to the area. And very different to where I presently live.

My best friend when I was at primary school had a piano teacher who lived a couple of villages away from us. This piano teacher had a daughter who was the same age as us, and some twin daughters who were a lot younger than us - well 8 years seemed like an eternity when you're 9! The piano teacher's daughter went to the next primary school to ours; the one that we always played at games because most other schools were too far away, so I got to know this piano teacher's daughter.

When it was time for secondary school my parents took the decision to send me (along with my sister) to the public school a few villages away. Not public in the way that American schools are public but a school that belonged to a group of schools who had their own conference - Eton belongs to the this group as well, however our school was nothing like that posh or pretentious. My parents paid quite a bit of money for this school - and I was spectacularly ungrateful, as I had wanted to go to school with my mates from primary school.

However my friend's piano teacher's daughter was also going to this school (her dad taught there). We had got to know each other, and there were other reasons that we gravitated together - along with our third. I spent the next 3 and a bit years hanging around with a super group of people - including this piano teacher's daughter who became so much more, and is so much more. I wouldn't class her as my best friend, but my oldest friend, in fact the only person that has known me that long apart from family!

She has been a constant in my life - in times past through letters and occasional visits, now phone calls and emails and occasional visits. At one point in my teenage years I was banned from using the phone... as was she, trust me there were good reasons for this.

She came to our wedding, met our best man, got together with him, lived together, got married, got divorced. There are many reasons for the divorce, but she and best man still remain friends. Therefore when he got re-married she was invited to reception (best man and new wife were married abroad - so no-one went to wedding).

Last year she was told that she had suffered from early menopause, and although she'd never wanted children she struggled with this news. She also struggles because she never wanted children and doesn't know if she's allowed to feel this way. Every so often she phones in pieces because so and so is pregnant, or something else has upset her. Every time I tell her it's okay, her choices have been removed and that is hard.

When we went for the wedding reception, we stayed with her, that was her choice, I was looking for somewhere else to stay, and she said we had to stay with her. This was the first time she had met boy-o. This was the weekend her ex-husband was celebrating his new marriage. She knew it was going to be hard. We knew it was going to be hard.

She had a fab time playing with boy-o, but she had three glasses of wine in that time. She got ready and her present boyfriend came and picked her up to take to a hotel. This meant we went to reception separately. I carefully kept watch for her arrival.

She did okay when talking to ex-husband and his new wife.... to a point. She'd obviously had more to drink! They had wedding photos on a computer slide show, and she looked at them for a while and then got really upset and went for a walk outside. Boyfriend went after her... but after about 10mins I went to look for her as well. I found them outside on a bench with her trying to explain to boyf how hard she was finding it all... both us with boy-o and ex-husband. I could see what she was saying, but she was blaming boyf for not understanding. I stood and talked and agreed with both of them, yes she was irrational, but since when has a primary requirement of being female been rationality.

We went back in and she had some water to drink and I held my breath and hoped she was over the worst. She spoke to her ex-mother-in-law. She did okay. We left quite early - boy-o was shattered. We went back to her house expecting to see her in the morning.

M and I sat on her sofa enjoying a glass of wine, and relaxing after getting boy-o to sleep. She turned up the worst for wear a couple of hours later, having had a row with boyf. He couldn't see why she was so upset, and she couldn't see why he didn't understand. We then spent two hours talking to her... the worst thing I heard her say, 'was that she couldn't see the point in her life after she gets to 40.' She wasn't talking about doing anything stupid, just that all she can see is her life stretching out in front of her, with no point to it!

All her bad feelings are made worse because she is a salesperson and spends her time driving around the country, not seeing the same people. She has no friends living locally. Her best friend won't talk to her, because of the situation with her boyf (there is a situation there, but I love my friend and won't judge her because of it). Her ex-husband just got remarried. She's expecting one of her sisters to get married anytime soon. She needs to live somewhere else, but can't afford to move.

And I want to wrap her up and bring her here and look after her for a month. To remind her that she is worth something. To try to encourage her to stop drinking (she uses it to keep the pain at bay) ... at least a bottle of wine a night was admitted to. I want her to grow old with me as a happier person, who stills the worth in her life, because I know her worth. But how do I share that with her.... she's one of my oldest friends and I can't help her, other than say our door is always open.

She has always been a constant, we have gone through difficult times together, but I don't know how to tell her that she is worth something. That people would miss her. And this turns in my head and makes me cry, because she is a special person, someone who I want boy-o to know as he gets older. And all I can do is pray and keep hoping that she will re-learn her value.

Blogging and why it's good for me!

2011-08-24T03:38:00.000-07:00

I forgot for a while why I started blogging.... and after a tearful phone call this morning I have remembered. This blog has always been my free therapy... and the need for that hasn't disappeared, no matter how my life has changed. I've hung back on blogging because in the middle of infertility there is nothing worse than stumbling over a blog and finding someone talking about a child. But this is my blog, and I shall write what I need to write here - and I apologise if I upset anyone - but we have adopted, this is now a blog about adoption - and has been for a while. However, that's not to say that infertility is now dead and gone - trust me it isn't, there are little reminders all the time to make me catch my breathe.

There has been a lot on my mind the past couple of weeks, a lot surrounds boy-o, adoption and being an only child, some surrounds my friends - in particular one of my oldest friends, some of it is about family - although how much you want to hear about dementia and the geriatrics in my life is anyone's guess.

I think I need to get back into writing, and when I have done that I shall get back in commenting. I need to remember that this is my space; and I can write what I like about what's going on in my head.

So what prompted all this - the realisation that I hadn't slept well last night because my mind was churning. The consequence was that we took M to work this morning (as he also didn't sleep well) and when I returned I reversed onto the drive as I always do; stopped, but didn't put car into gear or pull the handbrake on enough... my drive slopes... the car slide into the front corner of the house! The house is fine - the car not so! However to my inexpert eye I've just damaged the paint. This means it is cheaper, but it's still money I don't want to spend, especially as the other car also needs some touching up.

I phoned M to let him know; and ended up in tears. And I've been feeling sick all morning. And I need to sleep better... consequently more blogging needs to occur!

2011-08-18T11:17:00.000-07:00

I had to pause and reflect on the difference a week can make! Last week all the news was about how young people (and others) were causing damage in many of our cities (although not our local one!), today I got to see happy and celebrating young people!

I'd made a promise before I started adoption leave that if I possibly could I would go into school for the A level results. I was leaving my year 13 chemistry class, some of whom I'd first met when they were 11; and most of whom I'd taught for 5 years; year 9 through to year 13. It is a real privilege to see them grow from children into young adults, who are setting out into the world, full of hope.

Most of them managed to achieve the grades that they needed to get into the university courses that they wanted to go to. A few didn't get their grades, but most managed to find somewhere to go.

That's what I want for boy-o - not the allure of university, but the chance for him to do what he dreams of, whatever that is. My hope is that he manages those awful teenage years with grace (more than I did anyway) and that he never has to think back and say 'if only...' as just a few of our pupils did today!

Whoops

2011-08-08T12:38:00.001-07:00

I never meant to ignore my blog this long.
I never meant not to update for coming up 2 months.
And whilst I have lots to blog about, I'm not sure where to start.

I could tell you about our middle name discussions... do we go with the name that we always meant to give our son, but doesn't really fit with his other names. Do we go with M's off beat family middle name, which has no meaning to me. Do we think of something else entirely?

I could tell you about our frustations with boy-o's SW.

I could tell you about our frustations with M's parents - who having brought up too children, obviously know more about bringing up our son than we do - or in fact than the social workers do!

I could tell you about some of the amazing friends we have spent time with, and the joy of showing boy-o the world.

I could tell you about the joy of being parents, and the hard work that toddler hood brings.

But I don't know where to start - so for the minute - I'm off to read some of the posts in my reader, there are way too many. I will try to write again soon.

Cake Bites....

2011-06-21T13:47:00.000-07:00

I quite randomly decided last night that I really wanted to make some Cake pops, but of course there were things I had to do this morning, and none of it involved going anywhere near a shop that sells lollipop sticks.... so I've made Cake Bites today!

M and my sister have sampled and said, 'They are something else' (M) and 'I like that' (sister!). Tomorrow is their big test.... going to my friends with some; I'll need to know how long they last after her boys and husband get home.

I made 4 different flavours...
1. plain with jam and milk chocolate to cover
2. plain, coconut with lemon curd, and white chocolate and citrus sprinkles to cover
3. chocolate, covered with milk chocolate and hundred and thousands
4. chocolate with white chocolate drops, covered with milk chocolate and a snowie on top to identify them

I crumbled up my cakes (okay, this time I brought them, but next time I'll bake), added binding agents, (the plain cake I added buttercream icing and jam or lemon curd - the chocolate ones got buttercream icing and chocolate!). Having done this, I rolled into balls, put into the fridge for 30mins (would do longer next time) and covered!

Sadly no photos of producing them.... but photo of finished product... although not a very clear one! I might try harder next time to get decent photos on the way through, but this really was a trial.

Happy Father's Day

2011-06-19T05:52:00.001-07:00

I can't tell you how happy I am to have woken M this morning with a cup of coffee and a card and present! It is Father's day in this house, and finally we can celebrate!

I've spent years thinking about the sort of father M would be, it is wonderful to see him and our son in action together, and I can only think that it will get better and better as time passes....

And although I don't usually post pictures on my blog of me, M or my boy, I think that they are pretty unrecognisable in this if you don't already know them....

Happy Father's Day to all fathers, whether their children are here with them, or in heaven. And for those would be fathers - I hope that you keep on hoping... and that good things will come.

2011-06-17T05:07:00.000-07:00

As a follow on from my last post - don't for a second think that I am more than keeping my head above water. I opened the fridge door this morning to be greeting with an interesting smell... this evening I will have to clean it out! But I do feel more like I am keeping on top of things, even if the whole house is never clean and tidy at the same time.

This week I have been lucky enough to spend time with three friends.... they are all friends from different stages in my life, which makes it more interesting. It also meant that I had three days out - or at least mornings out this week, which helps the days pass better.

On Tuesday we went to the park to play and have a picnic with an another adoptive mum. Her boy was placed in Dec and is a year younger than boy-o but it was good to go and chat about all the odd things that are to do with adoption, as well as suddenly becoming parents. Things that you don't talk about with lots of people, such as social workers, and forms for court, and oh my goodness me, it's only 15months since we did the preparation course and look at us now. Those boys belong to us...it's quite surreal.

On Wednesday we went to see my friend that I meant whilst training to be a teacher. She's the one person at the moment that I would happily leave boy-o with, it's just a shame she lives on the other side of the city! This friend has kept me relatively sane through the past three months, and is my go-to emergency advice person! To be fair we see her most weeks, and I look forward to those days, because it's a bit of a breather from the 24 hours a day being on alert. Although she won't change boy-o's nappy, she will sit and play and read, and look at things with him.

Yesterday we went to a new soft play place with an (ex-)infertile friend. She has twins about 3 months older than boy-o, and it's fascinating to watch how different they all are, and what different skills they all have. The bonus - we loved the soft play place as after about 40mins of settling into it, all three children were happy to run and jump and climb and we sat an chatted (although we did keep jumping up to see that they were okay).

This morning we've been to a play group at Church - the friend that I run Brownies with, runs the group so we always go early and have a chat before lots of people arrive. But what was especially nice this morning, was that as I was waiting to order a cup of tea from the cafe I was talking to two of the older women from Church... who both commented on how well settled boy-o is. These two ladies are experienced in child psychology and development, and it was really nice to hear that they thought he was settled. I mean we think he is, but sometimes I wonder if I am deluding myself!

So 3 months in, we are happy, and settled, although I am sure that in another 3 months, I will feel more settled and more comfortable in this new life!

Our routine...

2011-06-16T05:43:00.000-07:00

So what is our new routine....
M gets boy-o up about 7.30ish whilst I get breakfast stuff ready and do a mini-job (there are three on rotation). Boy-o and I wave M off to work, and then have our breakfast. We then play, or get ready to go out, or bake - depending on what mood takes me.

After boy-o has had his dinner, he has a nap, usually for about an hour and a half. I sort out the anything that needs doing for tea (veggies, making sauces etc), do a cleaning job, and then sit and relax whilst eating lunch.... this is where I squeeze in blogging at the moment, both writing and reading and commenting.

Boy-o and I may go out in an afternoon - to the park, or the library, or to visit friends. But if we are at home, this is when I tend to do messy play - paint, playdough or baking.... We also have fun in the backgarden with sand and/or water, unless it's absolutely horrid. I've made a den in his bedroom a couple of times, which he loves getting his teddies into and having tea parties, or reading books to them (well I assume that's why he shows them the books).

We get tea ready, so pretty much when M gets in, we have tea. After that we take Pepper for a walk - we all have waterproofs! Then bath (if needed) and pajamas, and stories and bed (hopefully around 7.15p.m.)

After that, M and I clear up from tea, and then we'll do another job....

So what are the mini jobs - hoovering the lounge carpet, sweeping the kitchen and hall, and sweeping the dinning room and conservatory. Everything else that needs doing on a weekly basis is done at a lunchtime on a rota basis (okay it might not get done weekly), dusting etc. The exception is cleaning the bedrooms as I don't hoover when boy-o is asleep... they get done at a weekend.

I'm yet to fit in those occasional jobs - cleaning windows and wiping shelves out in kitchen cupboards - and cleaning my oven. But hopefully as I start to get more organised they might happen in and amongst the other jobs.

And we are getting there on the group front... I usually go to two a week, one I am starting to feel that when I go I will see friendly faces. The other, I've not been going to for as long, but I am sure that I will get there. This week I've seen 3 other friends, which passes the time quite nicely. We also try to swim most weeks!

A vist and an update

2011-06-13T04:24:00.000-07:00

Truly I know I must do better, but we really are settling into a routine now, that hopefully will give me chance to post and read and comment. Having said that we are going to my parents in a fortnight, which will probably mean that things will go pear shaped again.

We feel to be doing really well. Our social worker is pleased, his social worker is irrelevant (or just plain pointless). And oh my goodness me, he truly is ours, we love him like you wouldn't believe, and those cuddles that we get....

And yesterday we visited his foster carers. And when we drove up he recognised the house, but when we went in, he clung to M (who was carrying him, due to the rain). He looked at his foster parents and seemed to recognise them, but didn't want to leave the safety of us for a bit. He came round, and went to sit and talk to them. He started to run about and play with their toys. But he kept coming back to us for reassurance.

When it was time to leave, he happily put on his jumper and shoes and left with us having given them huge hugs. He came home and played and went to bed and settled to sleep with no problems. He woke up once during the night - but that might have been because M and I were watching the grandprix and cheered when Button overtook Vettel.

He is ours, we know it, and he knows it. 4 weeks today we will submit his paperwork to court - after his second review meeting. He is ours and he is staying.

And thankyou for all your comments on my past few posts - I do read them, even though I might not have chance to reply to them!

Life is...

2011-05-26T04:23:00.000-07:00

Such fine plans... as usual interrupted by life. I am just about keeping up with commenting for ICLW - just need to do an extra days worth today! I have however got 292 posts in my reader to read... sorry if some of those are yours!

Life is trundling on. We've had a visit from the health visitor this week. She has obviously gone away and done some research about adopted children and attachment issues. When she came for boy-o's review meeting she was very keen that we should do this or that. She backed off totally this time, the most controversial thing that she suggested was getting rid of his nap time dummy in a couple of months - to which I responded, 'yes if he's ready'. No comments about time out, the fact he's still in a cot, about potty training! It was a good meeting.

Our social worker came yesterday. She is really pleased and very happy. We didn't have much to talk about, for me it's just knowing that someone will appear and check up on us every couple of weeks. We can now get the paperwork sorted and apply to court to adopt - he's been here 10weeks which is the minimum time. She said that social services would like us to wait until after the next review meeting - which I have no problem with. I said we were going to wait until we got all the paperwork we should have from boy-o's social worker - she thought that was really sensible.

This morning we have been to a parent and toddler group for the second time. It was good that I recognised some faces from when we went before (a fortnight ago). And some of the mums actually spoke to me. One grandmother was there and was very interested in the fact that we are adopting boy-o. I spent quite a bit of time talking to her, and as she goes regularly - it's someone that I will be able to talk to ago!

That's what I am finding hard - going to toddler groups and seeing all these mums in their little groups - obviously knowing each other. So that really should be my next challenge - to have a proper conversation with someone that I don't already know at a group! The groups that we go to on Fridays are different - the one at Church is run by my mates and I know a couple of other people there. The alternative one that we go to is one put on by the adoption agency - and all the children are adopted - so the conservations start easier and flow more as you have less to explain!

I'm starting to find a new routine, patterns to life and what we do! It's all starting to feel more normal!

HAPPY ICLW

2011-05-21T05:09:00.000-07:00

I checked my email this morning on my posh new phone to discover an email from Mel to remind me that it's the 21st today.... which means the start of ICLW! Click over if you don't know what I'm on about!

So it's May, boy-o has been home for just over 2 months, and we are starting to discover our new normal. There are good things and difficult things, but we are starting to move forwards rather than just moving to stand still.

Briefly.... I'm nh, and I've been married to M for nearly 12 years! We have recently adopted (although not formally yet) our 2 year old son, boy-o. We also have a dog, a cat and several fish. This blog has recorded some incredibly difficult times dealing with infertility, ICSI cycles and even a FET. I've touched on the adoption process and the preparation course that we did. I've talked about the waiting. And now I'm starting to talk about parenting following adoption.... not only am I starting to find a new normal in life, I need to find a new normal in blogging.

I hope you stay a while and have a dig around some old posts. Last month I picked out some of my favourite/most meaningful to me posts. This month I have a plan for something different, we'll see what happens!

Happy ICLW - I'm off to find some blogs to read and comment on.

oooops!

2011-05-17T12:58:00.001-07:00

It's not because I have nothing to say.
It's not because I don't know where to start.
It is because I'm not good with less than 8 hours sleep a night!
Promise I'm not ignoring my blog or any of yours, even though it might seem so.

ho hum... coz that's how I feel!

2011-05-05T04:35:00.000-07:00

I feel like I have lots to say... but I'm not sure where to start, please excuse me if it ends up being another post of randomness.

PLEASE DON'T READ IF YOU ARE IN A BAD PLACE

I'm loving being a Mum... it is everything I dreamed of and more besides, but it's hard. Harder than I thought. And I'm not complaining, because this is what I wanted.

I love spending time with my boy, but sometimes wonder how I will fill the hours that M is at work. Boy-o is 2; and he's now comfortable enough to let us know that he is two. He gets frustrated and has a paddy. He gets tired and has a paddy. He isn't allowed to do what he wants - and has a paddy. And in reality - this is a good thing... the fact he feels able to have a tantrum is good. But it feels hard!

It feels hard because the people who live closest and should be a really good back up for me, have done nothing to toddler proof their house! M's parents baby proofed and toddler proofed their house when the girls were little - but haven't done it with boy-o. I don't know whether it's just that they are older and have forgotten or what. But it means that it is hard work to take him across there. And I get complaints when I don't. So it's a no win situation. And M agrees with me, but won't say anything to them, just comes home and complains!

However, on the bright side. Amazing friends surround me... and even those who are having a bad time of it personally, will phone me up to see how I am. Even better - my dad has a new job.... working for the same company as M. That means they are moving back up north (eventually). They are nearly 15years younger than M's parents, and I will feel more comfortable about letting them look after boy-o for us. Plus my Mum knows about active young boys. She's already toddler proofing her house, and we're not visiting for another 7 weeks!

Anyway.... swimming this afternoon - onwards and upwards!

A reflection...

2011-05-03T04:21:00.000-07:00

I wasn't going to write this post... but somehow I need to!

I grew up in the UK whilst the IRA were attacking innocent people; and yes, they did usually phone and tell the police they had planted bombs, and that probably saved lives, and no, they didn't kill so many people as Al Qa.eda in one go. However at school, we were all taught that the IRA were terrorists and 'bad' people for doing these things. No mention was given to what the British had/were doing.

At the same time my cousins grew up in Eire. They were taught in school that the IRA were freedom fighters, that they were fighting for what they believed in and that was a 'good' thing. They were taught about the awful things that the British army had done in the name of peace, and why the IRA responded the way it did.

Who was right? Who was wrong?

I can't think which attack it was now, but a bomb exploded killing innocent lives whilst one of my cousins was staying with us. She was shocked at the way it was protrayed in the news. She told us about how it would be presented in Southern Ireland. Suddenly we both had a relevation. There is no right side or wrong side. Both sides did things that they shouldn't have in the belief of bringing about a better world.

There is no black and white situations in this world. There is only grey. No one person can be blamed for what is wrong... you have to look beyond and see what has happened before.

Yes, what Al Qaeda did was awful. I remember hearing about it as I left work. I remember worrying because my sister was in Washington DC and had said about going to see a friend who lived and worked in New York. I remember thinking about my Mum's friend, whose son worked in one of the towers. I remember thinking back to our visit two years previously to the States, and New York, and standing at the top of the Empire State Building and looking at the skyline. A picture taken then is still displayed on our walls, showing those tall towers.

But should we celebrate because one man is dead? Does it change anything that has happened? Do you know why he decided that the attack was a good idea? I don't. I don't know enough about the history of the middle east, and his history. I do know that there are many, many people who will know proclaim him a martyr. And that there are many, many people who will replace him.

Who decides who is right and who is wrong? Not me. I'm sorry that all those people died on 9/11, just as I'm sad that so many innocent lives have been taken in return. There are two sides to every story... and as one of my friends said on her facebook page

"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy."

Not by Martin Luther King as she stated... but nevertheless a good quote.... and finally;

And in case you think the situation in Northern Ireland is solved - not so. New groups continue what the IRA has ceased to do. People still die in the name of freedom.

Lucky? Saved?

2011-04-27T05:04:00.000-07:00

Myth: People adopt to “save a child.”
I have a personal hate in all this adoption malarkey. The amounts of time we have been told 'what a lucky boy boy-o is'. He isn't lucky, and we haven't saved him!

He isn't lucky, if he was lucky he would have been born to a birth mother who was able to care and love him. If he was lucky, he would be with his birth family, getting to know them, getting to understand their ways. If he was lucky he wouldn't have been removed at birth.

We are not saving him, we haven't rescued him. He was happy in his life in foster care; and I know enough about his foster carers that they would have altered the type of fostering they were doing and would have kept him as a long term foster child if adoptive parents hadn't been found for him. He would have been loved and looked after, even if we hadn't adopted him.

We did not rescue him, decisions were taken about him before he was ever born by a large number of people, not including us. And those decisions were not taken lightly. No-one thinks that removing children from their birth families is actually the best thing. Adoption is never plan A for a looked after child - that's why there are so many damaged children in the care system.

We came to adoption after much heart ache and sorry and grieving. It is (as I've said before) the right thing for us. We didn't do it to save a child, we did it to complete our family. We did do it to have a child - we haven't saved him, he has saved us. He is not lucky, we are, to have such an amazing person enter our lives.

It's National Infertility Awareness Week (in the USA). Resolve have challenged bloggers to bust myths about infertility. There were many I could have chosen about infertility - but I wanted to talk about adoption - and my little pet peeve.

I possibly need to restate what I've said before - adoption is different in the UK. He wasn't given up as a baby, he was removed by social workers, and that decision was made by a whole team of people, who looked at his birth mother, her circumstances and how she had managed previously with her other children. The closest thing to compare with is foster to adopt, however, we although he is technically a looked after child still, we are not fostering him, there is no chance that he will return to his birth family. In about 4/5 months time we will go to court and have it officially confirmed, that he is our child.

For more information about infertility and it's effects - click here
For more information about National Infertility Awareness Week - click here

2011-04-26T03:54:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here reflecting on the last six weeks, in actual fact the last eight weeks. I'm writing this as boy-o is sitting eating his lunch. I've given him lots of finger food today - cucumber and carrot sticks, chicken bits, bread sticks, grapes and apple. He seems to be eating most of it, although the carrot isn't going down very well - that's because he's lazy!

I started a post two weeks ago, when he turned two and 1 month... just to list his amazing accomplishments - sadly I didn't manage to finish it. He has developed lots since we have known him. He's gone from having about 20 words to having nearer 50. Yesterday he told the dog to 'sit' - or near enough that we knew what he meant. He also has developed some two word sentences - we quite often get told to 'sit ere' with appropriate pointing. Some of his pronunciation needs to catch up with what he thinks he can do, but he knows how to communicate what he wants clearly enough.

His walking has come on dramatically. When he first came home he was unsteady; but because we like to walk, and we've only got him (not plus another toddler and a baby), he has been walking with us. We take Pepper dog for a walk most days, and although he can't manage the whole walk, and rides on his Daddy's shoulders for some of it, he is walking more and more.

The night terrors are no longer a nightly occurrence. We've had some nights where he has slept all the way through without a wake up, and some nights when he's just been a little disturbed. He does still wake up screaming and shaking some nights, but usually when we have done something different. M and I discuss who is going to go to him when he wakes about 10ish, because we both love sitting and holding him, and comforting him. We never dreamt that the chair that we put in his room would get the use that it is.

He knows that we are Mummy and Daddy. He looks to us for comfort and security. He is happy to be with people that he is starting to get to know, but will still look back and check where we are. When entering a room with people that he doesn't know - he likes to be held by one of us, or alternatively will hide behind our legs.

He has had some proper two year old tantrums. 'I want to do this, but you won't let me'. Unfortunately for us, his cry is no different to any other time. We stick to our guns, no you can't have that, but generally I will sit and cuddle him, and comfort him. 'I know you are cross because we won't let you do... but we can't because...' or 'I'm sorry that you feel so cross and sad about...'. Empathy, empathy, empathy - for everything in this house.

We continue to make mistakes, back up, have a think and re-evaluate. M and I were saying only yesterday that we still have time to sort these problems out. The last eight weeks has been unbelievable hard on all of us, but M and I expected that. It's also brought us more joy and delight than we can possibly explain.

Does it take the pain of IF away? How can it, those lessons are deeply ingrained on my heart. But my heart is big and growing each day - I can be happy and sad. I can still feel the pain and regret that there are things I will never experience, see and have. But the process of getting to know boy-o isn't second best, it isn't a replacement, it's just a joy and a delight of it's very own. I know that we made the right decision for us - stopping treatments, before we were permanently broken and pursuing adoption. I know that boy-o is the child that was destined for us; we are so incredibly lucky and blessed - and I shall forever have that blessing.

Happy Easter...

2011-04-24T10:56:00.001-07:00

or at least if you believe along in such things with me! I hope today brought you much joy, and chocolate. We had a busy day, starting with breakfast at Church, followed by the Church service and then an Easter party, with an Easter egg hunt and egg rolling. In all we had a lovely day.

Our Minister based his sermon today on 'the real Easter egg'... we talked about the real meaning of Easter, which was lovely and is published on the side of the egg box. Which I decided is what I actually what to share with you today; I'm a bit tired to think of anything else.

'The Real Meaning of Easter

Easter is all about cute bunnies, fluffy chicks and eating too much chocolate, right? Well, not quite. We happen to think it’s a bit more meaningful than that.

That’s because billions of people all over the world believe that Jesus died on the cross on Good Friday, then rose again three days later… on Easter Sunday.

Actually, many believe that chocolate eggs represent the boulder that sealed his tomb. And with eggs being widely thought of as a symbol of hope and new life, the custom grew where people exchanged gifts of chocolate eggs at Easter. So now you know.

Just think… when you give someone The Real Easter Egg you’re not just giving them a delicious chocolate treat, you’re giving them something much more meaningful.

Welcome to ICLW

2011-04-21T04:33:00.000-07:00

Well it's that time of month again, ICLW - and once again I nearly didn't sign up, but then realised I'd miss it if I didn't. So I decided that I would find the time to join in, write more, and read more. All this is of course complicated by the four day weekend, and the plans that seem to be forming....

So who am I - I'm nh; I've been blogging here for just over 4 years... I missed that date, I've just looked 15th April 2007 was my first post. In that time I've covered a lot; IVF/ICSI, dealing with miscarriage, failed cycles, what next, life, holidays, dealing with stupid people, preparation course for adoption, home study, meeting our little boy, bringing him home and just lately life with a 2 year old. Some of these things I've talked about lots, some I've glazed over, but the last four years of my life are here.

At the moment I am on adoption leave from work - which should continue to be the case until next Jan time, however, we shall see. Our son, boy-o, moved home with us on 14th March, so has been here just over a month. But what a month, highs and lows, and happiest and sadness. And I've really not recorded that.

It seems appropriate to direct you to some of my favourite (no - that's not the right word, but it's the best I can do) posts from each year

2007 -Broken

2008 - Welcome to my head
2008 -Dear me

2009 - What to say
2009 - I know but do you

2010 - The end of one chapter, the start of another
2010 - Can't stop smiling

2011 - Meeting boy-o

I'd love to say I'm off to find new blogs to read right now, but between cooking tea for tonight and writing this post, my lunchtime nap is nearly over. I will have to read this evening! Happy ICLW everyone.

happy times.

2011-04-19T13:15:00.001-07:00

again... a bit of stream of consciousness - I'm tired.

Today has been an entirely lovely day for me (not for everyone though)! And this was after not much sleep last night.

This morning, me and my boy walked up to the local shops to get a few bits; we stopped off at his grandparent's (M's parents) and collected nieces. We came home and boy-o got to play outside with two girls who mother him something rotten. They played in his sand - built castles for him to destroy. They played in the water, and didn't complain at getting wet. They chased around the garden dancing and making him giggle.

They both insisted on seeing his bedroom - and it's the room that they used to sleep in, and we've changed it round a bit. Apparently it's very cool!

We did some crafty work - pictures with sticky bits and decorated some polystyrene eggs for Easter. They all had a fab time.

Before lunch they went back to grandparent's, so we had a quiet lunch, and a nap!

This afternoon, we met up with some people from school. The people that I am closest to in my department. We met at a cafe, sat outside (it was positively summer like) in a local market town. Boy-o had a blast people watching and I got to catch up on all their gossip. 8 weeks without seeing them is a long time, and there was lots to tell. I've promised to take boy-o into work soon, so that our 18 year old's can see him, before they leave for exams!

We picked M up after work on our way home, and had tea and then went for a walk... a gorgeous spring evening. Boy-o and the dog ran around the field like mad things. We came home for a bath and bed for our littlest person.

That was all good. What was not so good, but at the same time was good was the phone call that I had with a good friend this evening. She has just come home from hospital following her fifth miscarriage. And we had a chat about whether wanting a fourth child was worth the pain of trying again. We talked about God and his plans, and his amazing ability to love and heal no matter what. That eventually God's peace appears in our hearts if we look for it long enough. And we both draw comfort from that, and from the love that we share for each other and for God.

I know enough, not to ask if she's okay, because how can she be. She knows enough to know, no matter how much we love and cherish our precious boy, it wasn't the original plan. But I did explain that I don't think that the pain and suffering that I've been through was part of God's plan for me, that it's this world's medical experts that have 'failed' (not really the right word) by failure of a body. But I do believe that it's God's plan that we should have a family, and that plan is now here.

But she is one of the people that I can be most honest with. This isn't what I planned. This is hard - but not harder than I thought it was going to be. That being a parent isn't all bells and whistles and there is a daily grind that wears everyone down.

still here...

2011-04-15T04:57:00.000-07:00

I've been nagged.... so I am writing a post, although I actually want to curl up for half an hour with a cup of tea and some cake! However, I'm tired and this may just be a stream of consciousness, rather than a proper post.

We are doing okay, some days are better than others. Some nights are definitely better than others. Boy-o is still waking up screaming most nights - but usually only once now. He is obviously processing what has/is happening at night time, and that is inducing night terrors (we think). We now know what we can do to calm him, and sit and cuddle him for 30mins or so, because there is nothing else we can do.

We talk to him, and say 'it's okay, you're okay, we're here, everything is okay'. I still talk about his adoption story to him during these times - but that's for my benefit not his.

We made a photo book for him, with his foster family shown and named. To start with he looked at it several times a day, and spoke about how it is okay to miss them, and feel sad, and how sad we feel that he feels sad. This week he's looked at it on just a couple of days.

He is settling. We are getting there. He will come to us for comfort.

We went to the adoption agencies stay and play this week. It's the first group that I have taken him to, but he was so used to going with his foster mum that I wanted to get to something this week. He clung to my legs to start with, but did settle and start playing with toys and other people. I got to meet some more local adopters; and catch up with one of the people from our preparation course - their son was placed in December. It was a good place to go and we shall be going back.

We took him swimming this week. M had the day of work, and we decided to do some jobs in the morning - but in the afternoon we swam! Boy-o loved it, and something that we shall be doing more of.

Will try to post more... but also trying to keep on top of things like ironing, and cleaning and tidying. Oh, and sleeping.

Mothering Sunday and attachments...

2011-04-03T11:26:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting on the sofa relaxing after my first Mothering Sunday. I'm still struggling to believe that we've actually got to this point; we are a family of 3! Our little boy is settling in, and is getting an attachment, but what is causing some upset is that he is more attached to me than M. On Friday evening we had a bit of a blow out; but we've talked through it.

M got home from work on Friday tired, boy-o was also tired. I went upstairs after tea, as usual to give them some time together. They feed the dog without a problem, then the cat, but somehow the cat's food ended up on the floor. Obviously M wanted to get it cleared up, so told boy-o firmly to stand out of the way. Boy-o started crying; so I came down to comfort him; and tell him that it didn't matter.

M then let the dog out into the back garden, the dog started digging, so M shouted at the dog. Boy-o burst into tears, as M didn't reassure him. Boy-o then came to the bottom of the stairs and started crying for me. I ignored him, and M came and took him away for a bit. But he came back and started crying again. I asked him where Daddy was, and got a very short and grumpy response from M.

I then came downstairs, and said (without thinking,because I'm also tired) that perhaps if he hadn't shouted over the cat food, then shouted at the dog, all without reassuring boy-o, it might be better. M stormed out into the back garden. I gave boy-o a chance to stop sobbing and we went out to see Daddy, so that boy-o could see he was okay. Thankfully M picked up on my hints, and managed to play and smile with boy-o.

We got boy-o to bed, and then M returned to his sulk, when I said I wasn't having a go at him, just trying to explain why boy-o was upset. I spent the evening being ignored, and eventually went to bed.

Boy-o had a really disturbed night, we had him up several times. The first time, just as I was going to bed, wasn't a problem. The next time was about 1 o'clock in the morning. I got up and brought boy-o into our bed, where he was wriggling, he kicked me and Daddy several times. Eventually without saying anything M got out of bed and stormed downstairs. Once I got boy-o calmed down, we went down to see M, so that boy-o could see that Daddy was okay.

I put boy-o back into his bed, and then got some books off the bookshelves; took them downstairs and basically said that either he started talking and listening, or he'd better read the books that I've read. And I went back upstairs. M did eventually come back to bed, again without saying anything to me.

When boy-o woke up again, I deliberately ignored him, forcing M into doing it (he has been doing his share, don't worry). After 20 mins of trying to get him settled, M brought boy-o back to our bed, and he spent the rest of the night in our bed with us...

We put it behind us on Saturday morning, and got on with amusing boy-o. At lunchtime when boy-o had his nap, we finally had our discussion. We came to some conclusions; M pointed out that during the week he only sees boy-o in an evening when he's tired. I pointed out that he's not actually doing much to help an attachment to form. We both agreed that the other was right, and decided to see what we could do about it.

I got my Theraplay book out, and suggested some activities for M to do with boy-o. And I said what I thought he was doing well already. I also pointed out that I get frustrated with boy-o, but that nobody actually sees it, that I too make mistakes, perhaps I should share these with him in the evening. We agreed that we'd get up a little earlier in a morning, and the M would walk the dog, and then play with boy-o for a while before he goes to work, without me being in the way. If we can't do it, I'll walk the dog, whilst they play. The only concern that I have is that sometimes boy-o is grumpy when he's tired and therefore he might want his breakfast rather than to play. But we will give it a go for this week, and review it next weekend.

The other thing we did to help this weekend, was the M took boy-o out on his own. He's not done that up to now, and they didn't go out for long just an hour or so. So on my first Mothering Sunday I was cleaning (didn't want to waste the opportunity).

I did nearly email our social worker, and say Help, please talk to M for me! But hopefully I won't need to.

2011-03-29T05:09:00.000-07:00

I really had intended to update more regularly over the past 2 weeks, and it's just not happening. However, I am starting to feel like I can cope with this. Today after boy-o went down for his nap, I managed to clean all my hard floors (hall, dining room, conservatory, kitchen) and I've made dinner and some flapjack. And I've still managed to sit down for a few minutes.

This is my second week by myself, the first full week. And I'm not quite so scared. Last week, the weather was fab, so we managed to get out shopping (without buying anything) most mornings and play outside most afternoons. This week might be more difficult as it looks like the weather isn't going to be so good.

One thing that has helped; I've given myself permission to go out and about, and if we meet people that we know, so be it. That means I can go up into the village, and shop at the local shop. I'm trying to keep it short, and fast, but we have met a few people. I also decided it was time for me to have a mental break and talk to an adult; so we visited a good friend of mine and boy-o played with her youngest son, and I got to talk and got sensible replies. We are still going slowly and making sure that boy-o doesn't get overwhelmed, but he is getting more settled. And I am feeling better for it.

2011-03-25T12:30:00.000-07:00

Thank you for all your comments on my last post, I feel like things have improved over this week. Although we had an hour awake last night, it was mostly between 10 & 11 o'clock, so although I went to sleep late, at least my night wasn't very disturbed. We keep on hugging the boy, and telling him that it's okay. And we'll continue like this.

I am feeling better than I was earlier in the week as well.... although I fully expect it to unravel again. I was helped by having my Social worker validate how I was feeling, trapped and isolated. How when she had her first child she spent 6 months working towards getting her life back. And whilst I don't feel that I am missing my previous life too much at the moment; it was good to hear. She also asked how I felt about boy-o's social worker and could I talk to her, when I pulled a face, she arranged another visit next week. She spent about 45mins talking to me and playing with boy-o.

I got a text from a follow adoptive mum, someone that we met on our preparation course. She'd told me that the second day that her DH went back to work she was in tears. That made me feel better, because although I hadn't cried, I was wondering whether I could actually cope.

I had a visit from a friend on Thursday morning. We were out when she came, so she walked to meet us. We then took boy-o to the park and played on the swings and the slide. We then finally came home, and played outside in the back garden. All this meant that boy-o was relaxed by the time she left. She also has lots of experience of young boys, and therefore was able to say - 'it's okay, don't you remember when...'

I've felt like I've coped better these past couple of days.... I really do. It might have helped M had done a couple of late nights so that I could get more sleep. It's the weekend now, we are both here for the next two days. We'll see how we do next week.

ICLW

2011-03-22T05:39:00.000-07:00

Welcome if you are visiting from ICLW. You arrive a time when we are undergoing great change. After 9 years of trying to start a family, last Monday we brought home our 2year old son via adoption.

I'm nh, and I'm married to M. We live on the outskirts of a Yorkshire city, in the UK. We very recently brought home our son (boy-o) through adoption; and I'm starting to find out about how to be a mother, and we are starting to find out how to be a family of three!

I had planned on updating more regularly, but the last three weeks has been a complete whirlwind. We meet our son 3 weeks ago today at his foster carers. Right now, he is upstairs in his cot having a nap (or not, he is at least having a rest!). He is a little star, although obviously confused and upset that he is now with two people that he doesn't know very well as opposed to his foster carers where he had been for 21months.

Last Tuesday whilst talking to our social worker, we said that we were pleased that he had slept through the night (his first night home). Well that was the last time that he did. We now have good nights of a quick wake up; and bad nights of hours and hours of it. There have been a couple of nights of very little sleep. Part of the problem, was that he was coughing himself awake. After two nights of this, we took him to the dr's where we were told that he has a chest infection. We also have a niggling thought that he is teething!

We have tried all sorts of things. Obviously he is a scared little boy when he wakes up in the first place.... so we go in, and lift him out of his cot, sit on a chair and give him a hug for a while. Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn't. He might go back into his cot and sleep, or he might go back in and scream, or he might go back for while and lay quietly for 5 mins and then scream. Because of his age, because he is in unfamiliar surroundings we respond to each and every scream. And we don't know if that is a good thing to do, because we wonder whether he is pushing his boundaries to see what he can get away with.

As I said, we have spent a couple of nights with very minimum sleep. That meant that about 3 o'clock on Sunday night M and I had a talk... We've decided that the first time he cries after a period of sleep, we will get him out and hug him, and calm him in a hug (body to body contact) for about 30mins. After that if he is calm, he can go back. If he then kicks off again (immediately), we will go in and lay him down as his foster carers did, and keep doing it until he gets the picture.

After deciding that, I have to say that last night was a better night. A usual wake up at 10ish; I sat with him for 20mins until he was calm and relaxed - back into cot, back to sleep. Same again at 5ish. No continued sobbing... so the new plan still hasn't been tried out!

Thoughts please... if you have any. I'm looking for advice. Am I being soft by going to see him each time he screams? Am I being harsh by just laying him down he if continues to kick off? What do you think? What experience have you got? I promise I will not be offended - I shall just ignore anything that I don't like the sound of....

2011-03-14T12:34:00.001-07:00

So much for updating daily... totally failed! However I endured the wait for the first visit, and boy-o, M and his foster parents arrived. We spent an hour playing and looking over the house, and then back to the fosterers for lunch and a nap. Boy-o was a little unsure about our dog, infact on first meeting he screamed!

The following day we went and picked up boy-o and his foster mum mid morning, and brought them back to our house. We played a bit, fed him lunch, put him to bed for a nap (and held our breaths). He went down with only one re-visit, but there really was a lot of breath holding and sitting on the edge of seats. When we were all convinced he'd gone, M took foster mum home! When boy-o woke up we walked the dog, played, had tea and gave him a bath, all before taking him back to foster carers.

The next day the foster carers had a party for him, so that their family and friends could say goodbye to him. We have photos - they had a good time. And as it's his birthday this coming week - he got presents.

Yesterday we went to pick him up in the morning, and spent the day at our house. Again we got him ready for bed before taking him back to his foster carers... then today we picked him up for the last time, he's asleep upstairs in his cot right now (it's 7.45pm)!

His foster carers gave us a pile of things yesterday, we have his memory box with all sorts of firsts in it; both from them, his previous foster carers and his birth family. There are all his first birthday cards in there... we will have to get another box to put his adoption cards and his second birthday cards in. I spent time yesterday evening, labelling who gave him what in the box, and who different people are (because I will forget). We got a USB stick full of photos, we've got his first shoes, we got the last of his belongings.

We decided we needed to do more than the nice photo frame that we'd brought. So we hunted down a Will.owtree Figure called 'heart of gold' which is a little boy holding a golden heart! We gave them that yesterday evening as well. It meant this morning, we could get in and out fast; we were all nearly in tears, but couldn't let boy-o see that!

I can't begin at the moment to explain how I feel about finally reaching this point that our boy is upstairs asleep... I will pause and reflect in a day or two. But for the minute - he's home, he's home, and we are all happy.

waiting...

2011-03-10T02:01:00.001-08:00

M's gone to pick up boy-o and his foster parents, I've been left here so the house isn't empty when they arrive. But I hate sitting and doing nothing, but I can't start anything. I'm slowly going mad....

intros....

2011-03-08T13:06:00.000-08:00

Sat - we took boy-o out with his foster mum and other foslings to the soft play centre in the morning... he had loads of fun sliding, and climbing and chasing. Lunch there then walk back with all children in pushchairs for a nap.... After the nap, we stayed, we played we did tea, and put him to bed with foster mum.

Sun - we took boy-o out for our first solo visit. Ended up at local countryside estate, fed ducks, did some walking, played on swings and slides. We had a picnic; then took him back to his foster carers for lunch.

Mon - was supposed to be a day out.... morning was fine, but after lunch we decided to go for ride in car, as we couldn't go for walk in the area that we were in. Boy-o slept for about 45 mins, before waking up and throwing up all over the carseat and his clothes. We headed straight back to foster carers - once we'd cleaned him up. He threw up twice more on the way back. We took him in, got him cleaned up. Then he sat quietly for a hour or so, before perking up a little. We don't know if it was car sickness or a virus. He didn't sleep well last night, but was okay today.

Today was busy - we got him up this morning, gave him breakfast, had first social worker visit of the day. Followed this with walk into town for speech therapy (which he is now signed off from). Home, for lunch and nap - during which we had second social worker visit of the day (to arrange rest of intros). Following that we went to a park and played on swings for a little while - but had to get back for nurse to visit to get update on him. Following that, tea, play and bed.

Safe to say - we are knackered and now need to sleep! But we are falling in love with the boy!

Introductions day 4 & 5

2011-03-04T13:03:00.000-08:00

Gosh - not sure what happened yesterday, and I've got a pile of ironing to do this evening, so it's only a short update.

Yesterday, we went just after breakfast and stopped through lunch. Boy-o didn't want to go down for his nap, and therefore we ended up stopping longer. When we arrived he was looking out of the window and waved at us. When we left we got hugs!

Today, we went late afternoon, played, feed him tea, and gave him his bath. We got him ready for bed; although his foster mum put him to bed. He came to us as soon as we arrived, and wouldn't let the other toddler who is being fostered there come anywhere near us. He is starting to realised that we are his, and he is ours.

More tomorrow or sunday - got to iron, might not have time next week!

Part 3

2011-03-02T13:02:00.001-08:00

Today we did day 3 of our 15 or so days of introductions (no Emily, don't think I said it before!)

We had a morning to ourselves - which we filled with exciting activities such as going to the bank to talk about the mortgage, cleaning the fish tank, as well as doing all the usual fun stuff like walking the dog!

We headed to the foster carers after lunch. I got boy-o up from his nap, and he didn't protest at all. He was a little jittery, but apparently he's always that way. He came downstairs with me, saw his foster carer, and wanted to sit with her for a minute, but that's all it took before he came to us.

We played the afternoon away, and had a lovely time. When he was told 'no' he burst into a world-ending cry! When his foster mum said 'no' he came to me, when I said 'no' he went to his foster mum!

We stayed through tea and bath. I feed him his tea, which he eat really well. Then he played for a little longer - very manic half hour is how his foster carer describes it. Then he had his bath, which we observed, and played with him for a bit in the bath. When he was ready for bed, we left for this evening, because we'd spent a lot of time together, he was tired and we thought he'd settle better for his foster carer.

Another, really, really lovely time, learning more about him!

day 2 of intros

2011-03-01T11:36:00.001-08:00

We got to spend more time with boy-o today. We went across this morning, and played for a couple of hours with him. He was more confident today, and although went to foster dad when we went in, he very soon calm to see us, and emptied my handbag again.

We've had his toy box emptied all over the floor today, and played with all sorts of things that he has. He also emptied the other little boy's toy box, and climbed in and on. He wants to explore and is full of confidence, but isn't dangerous with it. Having said that, M and I both wonder how long it will be before he ends up at A&E with broken bones.

We got to stay and watch him have lunch, which vanished quickly, and how his foster mum puts him down for a nap - very matter of fact with no fuss!

Tomorrow we get to go and get him up from his nap, and then spend time with him in the afternoon. Officially we should leave just after tea, but seeing how things are going at the moment, we may end up been there later.

We both think that he is a cracking little boy, with a huge character. And I can't wait until we get him home now. Getting so very real and we are getting so very excited.

meeting boy-o...

2011-02-28T08:24:00.000-08:00

We went to the adoption agency offices this morning to plan out the next couple of weeks. We had some formal stuff to go through, and promises of reports and life story book came from boy-o's social worker, but both us and his foster mum wonder whether it will actually happen. We have planned our meetings with boy-o until next Tues. Because the foster mum has other children, one of whom is having an operation next Wed, we are having a review meeting next Tues, and then will plan from that point!

Having done that this morning, this afternoon we actually meet boy-o. He started off shy, and not at all happy, but gradually he started to come round a bit. After about 20mins, he ended up looking at the book I made whilst sitting on my lap - which I have to say was a truly amazing experience, not having a little boy sitting on my lap, but the fact that this is our little son.

We built towers of stacking cups and knocked them down. He spent time emptying my handbag. He spent time with M, again sitting on his lap looking at the book, but also playing with other toys. We looked at the photo of our dog, and decided that dogs go 'woof'.

When we left boy-o said 'Good bye' and 'see you'. And it's nice to know that in the morning, we will spend more time with him.

I can't explain how happy I feel right now, and I know that I will grow to love this character, who does everything at one speed (fast) and wants to explore and investigate.

a week gone...

2011-02-27T13:03:00.000-08:00

I meant to update daily this past week.... I failed. But I've had a good week, seeing friends, and sharing time with them!

Tuesday involved a meal out with some dear friends from Church. They have seen me through some tough times and tears. Equally I have seen some of them through tough times!

Wednesday involved... having my feet nibbled by fish with two amazing friends. We met, we had our feet done, we had coffee, we went shopping (briefly) and we still had things to say.... and I talk to these two people regularly.
Thursday was a running around day; went to drop work off at school, and having my hair done.

Friday was spent with another selection of friends - my infertile friends, except looking at us soon, you wouldn't know that. 2 of them now have two children, and the other one has one... and soon so will I. I was spoilt, loved and looked after, plus given some lovely things for boy-o.

I've had some moments of shear panic this week. What if I can't do this, what if everything goes wrong? What if I've forgotten something major. This evening having cleaned my house, fitted the car seat, and produced a book for boy-o introducing our house, I'm calm. There is nothing I can do now, this is it. Tomorrow we meet our son!

More details about Panel...

2011-02-22T08:02:00.000-08:00

So yesterday saw me in a state of high nervousness. I spent the morning doing mundane, boring jobs but kept very busy. Eventually though, time passed and we went to panel.

We started off in a meeting room going through the questions and discussing with our SW, his SW and his foster mum. As our SW had a bad back, she wasn't sure she would make it and had phoned earlier in the day and spoken to her manager, who'd apparently said that panel were more than happy with the match (unusual info to have before hand). Eventually we were collected slightly late but still. We went in to see some faces that we recognised from our previous panel, which helped because we knew how some of these minds worked. We spent about 30 mins being introduced and asked questions. We showed the pictures we had prepared for boy-o, and his foster mum showed photos that she had with her of him (sadly no more photos for us!).

When we finished we headed out to the waiting area, and within a couple of mins the chair of panel followed us out to say 'congratulations, we think it's a really good match, and there are some really good reasons (which she listed but I can't remember) for it to go ahead'. And that was that.... we are going to be parents. We had to wait for our matching certificates, which allows for me to have time off and get adoption pay, but it was done, soon enough!

So the questions
What attracted you to boy-o? We talked about how we felt drawn to him when we read about him, and how everyone that we've spoken to who knows him as encourage that feeling. That he's lively, and boisterous and that it sounded like a child we could deal with. We also spoke about that gut response to him when we read his report.... I didn't say and perhaps I should have that we were ready to say no, simply because he was the first child we were given details on.

Could panel have an update with regard to boy-o's health, development and attachment? His foster mum and social worker took this one, and described his development as normal, his attachment as good (I'm waiting on this one) and his health as everything that we have been told about. Chesty when he has a cold, susceptible to infections if he cuts himself and having speech difficulties.

What did the adopters take from their meeting the with medical advisor with regard to boy-o's various health issues and uncertainties? We responded with information that we had been given, the fact that we knew before we agreed to the link that there were risks to his health, but that is all they are, risks.

How will boy-o be helped to be introduced to our dog? We talked about the fact that our dog is used to children, that although she is bouncy, she will go to her bed when told. We talked about the fact we are going to get her puppy crate out again, so that she has somewhere she feels secure.

Will we be keeping boy-o's first name? Yes, our social worker did raise the issue about the unusual nature of his name and what we had talked about in regards to that in the future. Everyone was happy with what was said, so that is positive!

How will we manage the fact that boy-o is not yet talking to help him through introductions? His foster carer actually answered this one and pointed out that although he is having difficulties with speech his understanding and communication abilities are fantastic.

Question about older siblings...

Is it planned that the adopters will meet members of the birth family? How do we feel about this? How does boy-o's birth mum feel about it? We'd discussed this at length, and feel that it would be positive for boy-o and his birthmum that this meeting happens. We also discussed meeting the two siblings that have been adopted, if their parents are happy for this. It was also mentioned meeting other birth siblings, particularly the two older ones who have been at contact with boy-o. And although yesterday was the first time this was mentioned, we agreed that it sounded like a sensible idea for boy-o and for his birth siblings.

How will the adopters help boy-o to understand his difficult life story? We answered slowly and over time. We will have a life-story book from his social worker (although I half way expect to a) have to chase this up and b) to have to re-write it anyway!). His social worker also had some input on this.

Question about older siblings...

How would I manage if she were to come across any of boy-o's siblings in future through her school? (asked by the women who deals with the agencies looked after children at my school) And I was able to confidently say, with our social worker nodding her head, that we'd talked about this when boy-o was first talked about. That there is a real possibility for some of his siblings, but that the head is compassionate and understanding and I may be able to avoid teaching them, and if not... we'll we'd talk it as it came!

YES!

2011-02-21T10:40:00.000-08:00

Hurrah.... we're going to be parents! Now to wait to meet our son...
More details tomorrow!

ICLW...

2011-02-21T02:17:00.000-08:00

I nearly didn't sign up for ICLW (go on click over to Mel's if you've no idea, I'll wait) this month. And then yesterday I was thinking, but I've a whole week of waiting to get through, perhaps I'd better.... today is the big decision day, the day that we go to panel. I'm excited (a little) and nervous (a lot) but in 4 hours time we should know the outcome.

What, I hear you ask, am I going on about.... here in the UK the adoption process is different to the US. The boy who hopefully will be our son, is presently living with foster parents, and has been for many, many months. If we get the go ahead today, all the talking and listening that we have been doing over the past couple of months will become real.... and next week we'll meet our boy-o.

I'm nh, and I teach science at high school - except I don't because if today goes well, I'm on adoption leave for the next 'x' months.... 'x' is still to be determined, and I don't have to say when I am going back to work until 8 weeks before I want to start back. I can have up to a year off, but we'll have to see how finances go. I've been married to M for a long time now, we started trying for our family nearly 9 years ago. We've been through IVF and ICSI, miscarriages and no results, and pain, grief and despair. And today we might finally be able to start talking about our family of 3!

If you are a first time visitor - welcome, have a look around. Most of the past few months have been adoption talk; but there are odd other bits in there. I'm off to find new blogs...

leaving work... part 2

2011-02-19T08:18:00.000-08:00

Sorry - this is long and is mostly for my memories....

The last couple of days have been bizarre. I walked into walk yesterday feeling more than a little odd. And I left feeling full of hope for the future. Thursday was saying goodbye to some very special people that I have taught for a long time. People that I watched grow in height and character from being 11 years old and nervous at starting school to truly wonderful (mostly) young adults who are ready to continue their journey on. It happens every few years that you get to teach the same children over and over again.

I taught some of these children on that horrid Friday afternoon when I started to miscarry and yet felt that I had to stay at school. I taught them through the bleakness and despair that followed, and continued to follow. But through the hope as well. They don't know that, of course, but I do. But they do know that we are adopting a little boy - they were the first students at school to know, and they were lovely about it. They are deeply upset for themselves, but so happy for me. They baked a cake, got a card which they all signed, two of them wouldn't leave my classroom yesterday, I had flowers and hugs from them. And even though I don't teach them on a Friday, they all passed through my room at least once.

Friday was strange. It started with my boss having a dig at me over going out for a meal with friends - not the whole department. I have to say the day ended at the pub - with the same friends! Friday is assembly day for my form, so there we went. My other boss (year head); came up and asked me if the pupils knew why I was leaving to which I responded that my form did... a little into the assembly after his usual weekly spiel he said 'it's a sad day today, because we have to say goodbye to Mrs ....' He spoke about the fact I was adopting a little boy, and how pleased he was for me. He then called me forward and I received a bunch of flowers which another head of year gave to me, along with threatening to sing or give me a full on snog! My year head then preceded to give an assembly about heroes and finished with the challenge to the pupils to figure out who the heroes were in the world, celebrities or people who do special things like adopt little boys. I could have cried at that point.

My first lesson was a non-contact and I spent a lot of time moving things from my classroom. I was visited by some of the year 13's, with a bunch of flowers. At break time I was given another bunch of flowers, this time from the science staff, along with a speech about how I will be missed. My year 12's presented me with a card, hugs and chocolates. My year 11's turned up with cake. And at the end of the day, the people I teach chemistry with gave me another bunch of flowers. All sorts of teachers and assistants passed through my classroom, and some came baring gifts and cards. Some just to say 'good luck'.

At the end of the day, I went to the pub for a few quiet drinks with some friends. But lots of people turned up to wish me well. I eventually left after many hugs but no tears; and came home feeling very odd. It's strange to think that I won't be going back to teach at the school for a long time. And that everyone is so happy for me. When I got home, I re-read my cards, and I cried. Because the words that have been written are so lovely and caring and cherishing. These people are the reason that I've stuck it out for so long at that school.

My life is about to change, in a way that I've dreamt of for so long. And it's good to know that so many people have my back.

leaving work...

2011-02-18T12:03:00.000-08:00

I've left work today, to start my adoption leave (I hope and pray). So many good wishes, and so many hugs. I kept thinking I was going to burst into tears - but I did hold it together until I got home, and re-read some of the cards. Some of these people have supported me for many years and watched me cry many, many tears.

More tomorrow, today I'm going to look at the 4 bunches of flowers that I've been given, along with lots of bits for boy-o!

an evening out...

2011-02-10T15:25:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here shortly before midnight on a Thursday evening with tears running down my face. Not because something bad has happened - oh no, because the unbelievable seems to be about to happen.

Earlier on this evening, as I sat chatting to Michael it suddenly occurred to me, that this evening, something amazing was happening. This evening I have been out with some colleagues from work - my friends - and we have celebrated that I am leaving work in just over a week!

I'm actually starting to believe that this will happen. That after 8 1/2 years I will actually be a Mum and M will become Dad.

I've celebrated and relaxed with some of the people who have supported me over the last few years - and some newer friends. I've celebrated with people who have stood where I have, and have had the same outcomes and have had relationships split up. I've celebrated with younger people who are still to commit to relationships. But they were all happy for us, and I have had an enjoyable evening, and spent time with some lovely people.

A moan - I'm sorry...

2011-02-02T12:52:00.000-08:00

I wish I could tell you about our meeting yesterday with the adoption agency's medical advisor - but that is boy-o's story and not mine. Enough to say - we weren't worried by anything that we heard.

I can tell you about my Brownies (young Girl scouts) meeting that I have just been to. I can tell you that I work with 2 other leaders, who tonight for the second meeting in a row sat and chatted whilst I ran the activities with the girls, but wait a minute, it's only fair because I'm having time off after half term.

I've been told quite pointedly on a couple of occasions that when leader k had her last baby she didn't miss a meeting - which is perhaps more understandable if you realise that it was her 3rd baby and child care was in place and will established, I wish my mum lived close enough to come and babysit for me every wed evening.

Tonight they went one better, by basically not talking to me.... to the point that when I had dealt with the brownies for an hour by myself, I got them playing a game and left the room to go and put some stuff away. And text that excellent friend of mine who promised to do unmentionable things.

When they did decide to talk they decided to tell me that I must be excited. That I have to go shopping and buy lots of new clothes. That I need lots of new toys. That I absolutely have to do this, that and the other. I just said 'actually my good friend C has given me some cast off clothes and toys and boy-o will be coming with some more - and that I was going to wait until I saw what he actually needed' - but that's not good enough apparently.

No matter how I try to explain that our son is coming to us with a history. That we need time to allow a bond to grow, because after all, all he can remember is living with the foster carer's where he is now. That actually I have done my preparation course, my home study, chatted with our social workers, and done lots of book reading and internet reading and I know more about adoption than they do.... the response I get is 'it'll be okay, it'll be fine, M can put him to bed you don't need to miss Brownies.

I'm also wrong for not allowing myself to get excited. I'm wrong for not letting my heart grow too attached. How can I, when in just over 2 weeks time a group of people make the decision about whether boy-o is a good match with us or not. How can I get excited when I know so many times in the past I've had my heart broken. What's more how can two people who seen me go through all that we've been through not appreciate that I need time, space and belief before I can truly believe that this will happen.

Sorry - just needed to get it down - finished and over with now. I will try to be more positive...

Another meeting...

2011-01-25T12:45:00.000-08:00

We met yesterday with the contact worker who supervised all boy-o's visits with his birth mother and eldest brother and sister. It was a useful experience, and we got some more photos including some of boy-o with his brother and sister.

The contact supervisor J.P. described boy-o as a lovely little boy, who is lively, mischievous and happy go lucky. She also commented that his brother and sister are nice natured. She doesn't think that boy-o has any attachment to his family, and although he enjoyed the visits, he would have enjoyed them if she'd sat and played with him for the time. He enjoyed being the centre of attention.

J.P. met boy-o's dad once, and supervised one contact meeting between them before his birth father died. She couldn't comment any more on him.

J.P. says that birth mother is really likable and has her own difficulties and has been taken advantage of in her life. J.P. thinks that birth mother loves and cares about her children but she herself is vulnerable and emotionally unready to cope with children. However she was good at changing boy-o's nappies, feeding him bottles and giving him baths when he was a young baby. Initially contact was 5 times a week, but that was reduced to 3 times a week, and then once a week. The reasons for the reduction was because birth mother has some illness and was unable to go to contact. There was a suggestion that not all the illness was genuine.

Birth mother's new husband has been to contact as well, and has been described as good with children. Both birth mother and husband have been easy for JP to work with; they haven't caused any problems. JP did say that she thinks birth mother has moved on with her life.

JP said that contact had been a happy time, shared within the family. Boy-o's birth mother was proud of his achievements, and his brother and sister were protective over boy-o. For example, when boy-o was learning to walk and kept toppling over his brother would rush over and pick him up. Boy's birth mother was proud when he managed to walk without problems.

-They spent time laughing over boy-o's healthy appetite and the fact that he will eat anything.
-Boy-o at one point bit his sister's shoulder, she was more upset that her brother had bitten her than actually physically hurt. It was something that was referred to on more than one occasion during contact.
-Boy-o broke JP and birth mother's necklaces when he was attracted to the shiny jewellery - that might be a lesson for me to learn!

Happy ICLW

2011-01-21T10:39:00.000-08:00

Welcome if you are here from ICLW - if you have no idea what I'm talking about, hit the big blue button on the left, Mel explains it all!

You join me at a time of waiting, we are a month off a meeting that will change our life. One month today is our matching panel, and if they agree we'll meet our son the week following. I keep hoping and praying that nothing will go wrong now. I will try to write a proper post tomorrow, but this week has been madness. I'm going out soon, but I wanted to write a brief welcome.

Meeting boy-o's foster parents...

2011-01-13T13:09:00.000-08:00

We have spent 1hr30 with boy-o's foster parents today, and we got to hear a lot more about him. We still feel very lucky, very blessed and as if this is the child that is meant for us.

Boy-o was described as placid and easy going. He is however, lively, boisterous and clumsy. He is very caring and will often run up to his foster parents and give them a hug for no other reason than because he wants to. He apparently cries when he doesn't get his own way (sounds like he's entering the terrible twos). He has been known to hold his breathe in annoyance, but his foster mother says she just ignores it and he gives up.

He sounds like a problem solver. He will work something out, and just when his foster parent's think that they have stopped him doing something he will figure out a way around it. Apparently he loves fruit, and they have a fruit bowl in the middle of their table; boy-o figured out that if he pulled the table cloth he could get to the fruit bowl if he climbed on the chair.

He is usually a happy chap, but can get fractious when hungry. He eats virtually anything, although isn't so keen on porridge or rice pudding.

He is a climber; and loves going upstairs but isn't so keen on walking down them properly. We think that perhaps we will be getting 2 stair gates one for the top and one for the bottom of the stairs.

He doesn't have much wrong medically. He can get chesty after a cold, but in this house with two asthmatics we can deal with that. He is tongue tied which is possibly the reason that his speech isn't as clear as it should be. He develops and grows in spurts and then has a break, it's not a gradual development. He is up to date with his vaccinations. He has been known to get infections when he has cuts in his fingers, but foster mum doesn't believe in putting anything on cuts or covering them with a plaster - we may change that if he's going to get infections.

He presently attends Playgroup 3 times a week. He will have a go at anything, and really enjoys being around adults and children. He loves soft play centres, ball pools and slides. He has no real favourite toys, or TV programmes. However, he does have some toys that he will bring with him; which are his. His foster parent's have said that he will bring clothes, toys, his sippy cup and plates and cutlery with him. He has recently had some new shoes fitted, along with some boots.

He is well attached to his foster carers, and doesn't like being left in an unfamiliar situation. However, this could be because he has recently seen two other foster children been moved on, including one that had been in the home since boy-o arrived.

His foster parent's will obviously miss him when he moves, they describe him as 'a little cracker'. His foster father said that they'd said that if no suitable adopters could be found, they would have adopted him. This worried me slightly, until our Social worker phoned after we got home and said that they couldn't have adopted him as they live too close to where his mum lives, as well as being too old.

Our social workers view point is that he is well attached, and therefore as long as his foster parent's give him permission to trust us, there should be no problems with him moving. Panel is fixed for 21st Feb, and we are to meet boy-o on 28th Feb, slightly over 6 weeks to go.

We did come home and look around and think what we needed to do and move!

Surprises

2011-01-05T12:47:00.000-08:00

Isn't it funny? I've had some super, unexpected support at work this week. I've been showing off my photos to friends and others have seen, and commented. I've been promised more clothing and toys...I've been offered all sorts of assvice...and I've been congratulated and asked about what time off I'm having.... and when I've responded that I'm expected to take about 10months off; most people have commented what a good thing that sounds.

This evening I've been to my Brownie (young girl scouts 7 yrs through to 10yrs) meeting. I mentioned to one of the other leaders - who I thought would be more understanding that I would be having some time off in March & April. Her response was that when she'd had her last daughter she had no time off from Brownies at all, and surely M would be alright to sort boy-o out.

I tried to explain that actually as he's nearly two and been with the same foster parent's since he was 2 months old, HE WILL BE GRIEVING... and that this might mean that we need to make sure that he is really settled before we start going out before he goes to bed. He has to be reasonably settled before either of us leave him at times when he's not expecting it. Yes, M, will be going back to work; but we need to provide stability and care. He needs to know that we are here permanently and that when he wants to see us; within reason we will be there.

There is a huge difference between M going back to work; to earn money, and me going to Brownies where there are 2 other leaders and parents who will help out. It is volunteer work, it is something that I do because I enjoy it (mostly). It is something that I have done for a long time; but boy-o has got to come first...

And now I need to think about how I can possibly explain this to two people who can't put themselves in the shoes of a little scared 2 year boy!

2011...

2011-01-03T13:05:00.001-08:00

I wish I had something inspirational to post in my first post of 2011; but apparently inspiration has left me...

We've spent the time since getting back from my parents just being together and trying to sort bits out. I now have a chest of drawers nearly full of clothes for a little boy. My cousin and my friend have been very generous; and whilst I need to check sizes on some of them; my drawers are nearly full! We've also been given more toys.

Back to work tomorrow, for 7 weeks; and then hopefully my adoption leave starts. 7 weeks today we will know whether boy-o will be our son or not. 7 weeks today a group of people will decide our future. In the meanwhile we have to meet boy-o's foster parents and the medical advisor. Those two appointments are fixed. We also hope that to meet boy-o's mum's social worker and the agency contact supervisor.

We have a list of things that we need to do; things that we ought to do; and things that we'd like to do. Next weekend we start working through the list. But we also know that there are some things that we can't sort out until after we've met his foster parents.

I hope that your hopes and dreams are fulfilled in 2011! I hope that ours will be too.

Happy New Year

2010-12-31T11:43:00.000-08:00

Wishing you all the best for 2011. I hope that your dreams come true...whatever they are.

I am looking forward to 2011 unlike some of the previous years. I am confident that there will be a change in our lives in this year. I hope and pray that it involves boy-o. There is much to do; and much to think about in the next few weeks. I hope you continue to journey along with me.

Merry Christmas

2010-12-24T09:43:00.000-08:00

I wish all those who are celebrating on Saturday a very Merry Christmas, may the day bring what you desire. For those who aren't celebrating... I wish you a very happy and peaceful Saturday.

and whilst I wish I could insert a video - I can't, so I'm going to give you a link to my song of the season.... and whilst it isn't neccessarily a Christmas song, it comes off the end of a Christmas album, and I love it and the message that it contains....

Annie Lennox - Universal Child

Enjoy...

Snippets from my mind

2010-12-23T10:26:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry if this is snippets... it's the way my mind is functioning today!

We've travelled down the country today to visit my parents... we were really lucky (or wise) in our early start; and made it in good time... in fact we made it to the ferry two hours earlier than the one we were booked on. Luckily they let us on the earlier ferry!

In our car I had some very special photos; 3 photos of boy-o to give to his grandparents to be. It was something extra speical that I could bring them for Christmas - photo's of all our futures.

Next year is going to be so different, this year we had a packed car with my Gran and my brother; as well as us and the dog. Next time we come down, we'll have our son with us (hopefully!).

M and I are still recovering from the flu that we both had last week. We got up this morning at 4.oo am to get on the road by 4.30. My mind is frazzled, I'm sure I've got some more to say... but that's it for the moment.

ICLW and waiting

2010-12-20T03:36:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my blog... if you are hear for the first time, or just an occasional visitor I need to fill you in on some details....

I'm nh and I've been married to M for 11 years. We live in a suburb on the outskirts of a Yorkshire city, and am blessed to have some glorious scenery around our home, especially at the moment when it is covered with snow and frost. We presently share our home with our dog and cat, we have tried to change this situation for the past 8+years.

It seems likely though, that this is finally going to change, we are (hoping madly) going to adopt boy-o, who is presently 21months old. It still seems a little unreal, but we are hoping that after our social worker visits him and his foster carers today that we will start to believe it is actually going to happen. So much of the adoption process in the UK is about waiting, at the moment we are waiting to meet boy-o's foster parents, his mum's social worker, and the medical adviser (this is the only appointment that we have so far).

So at the moment we are cautiously preparing for our boy to come home, in March. Which seems like forever when I write it down like that; but when we think over what we have to do, it seems like no time at all. And it is difficult to explain, that although we know about this child, we don't get to meet him until the very end of Feb!

In more recent news - I've brought a second hand pushchair... I had the offer of one to borrow, however after a lot of thought and research we decided that we wanted one that boy-o could sit in and face us. But he is two, and we know that he might not be in a pushchair for long; so spending hundreds of pounds on a new one seems a little over board! We went and found the pushchair in a shop yesterday - in one of those shops that I've spent years avoiding. We were both happy with it, so I've brought a second hand one, we collect it tomorrow!

more about boy-o

2010-12-13T05:36:00.000-08:00

Boy-o is the youngest son of his parents. He has 7 full siblings (although one died as a new born) and 1 half sibling. There is no hint of use of alcohol or drugs in pregnancy, it's simply that his parent's couldn't cope with the number of children that they had.

Although there has always been concerns about the family by social services and some input; no children were removed from their care until the fifth child (fourth living) was 6 months old. It became apparent then that boy-o's parents were not coping with the number of children that they had.

It was decided after a lot of investigations that the eldest two children could return to their parents and that social services would have a lot of input and the parents should be able to cope with these two. For the others it was felt that it would be better if they became looked after children. At this point boy-o's mum gave birth to a set of twins (who are 15months older than boy-o). These were also taken into care.

There was a lot of assessment to see if mum & dad could look after the new babies, and a lot of work was done with them. However it was deemed to be in the best interest of the babies for them to be adopted. The same thing happened after boy-o was born, however boy-o's dad died a week after he was born, and it was felt that his Mum couldn't cope. At the moment all the children are in care except the twins who have been adopted.

Can't stop smiling....

2010-12-10T13:22:00.001-08:00

Sorry Emily! I couldn't update until today....

After the visit on Wed, we were promised a phone call yesterday.... spent the whole day on tenderhooks and heard nothing. However today, just before lunch (whilst the student teacher was teaching my lesson) I happened to check my emails - to discover an email!

Boy-o's social worker is happy to go with us. Matching panal is booked for Feb - we will meet him at the end of Feb. Got some meetings to do over the next couple of months... Medical Advisor, foster parents, his mum's social worker. But we can't stop smiling.

Boy-o's name is a lovely old fashioned name; one that I really like. It's in fact my brother's name. Which is why I shall continue to call him boy-o.... my brother grow up with 2 sisters and 4 female cousins - no other boys. My Grandad always called him boy-o... and it's something that we all picked up. It's a long time since I thought of it, but it seemed right to give our little boy a nickname (for the blog) that really meant something to me. You have to think of it being said with a real Yorkshire accent.

More information to follow.... of that have no doubt!

Ssssh, don't tell...

2010-12-04T13:06:00.000-08:00

Because we had a voucher to spend, we've brought a present for a child.... we hope it will be a second birthday present.

Because ours and boy-o's social workers are visiting this week, we've been out and brought some safety things today; cupboard locks etc.

Because I had to buy some birthday presents for my friends children, we went to a toy shop today, and fell in love with a teddy bear. It's sitting upstairs in our empty bedroom.

I hope, hope, hope so much that this week we will have our meeting and boy-o's social worker will like us and think that we will be a good family for boy-o.

Oh.... and we sent some questions to our social worker to pass on to his. We were worried about this, but our social worker replied to my email with a lovely response, 'Excellent questions, very well thought through. I have forwarded them on to boy-o's social worker.'

Let it be wednesday quickly.... please.

Things I have learnt...

2010-11-30T08:39:00.000-08:00

Social workers work at their own pace; and even when you think you are getting somewhere, it's never as fast as you would like.

That 7 years of infertility teaching you patience isn't enough... you can never be patient enough. I thought I'd learnt this, but apparently not.

Switching social workers just after panel means that you second guess yourself. Is it alright to call, to email. With our old social worker I would have done it with no concerns, no second guessing - but now... 'am I being too pushy'

That things that you hear that sound awful when you first hear them; can seem liveable with, with you've lived with them for a while.

That life carries on around you, no matter what.

That my DH was as happy as I was to hear from our social worker today, to arrange an appointment to meet boy-o's social worker next week.

That I love that man so much for all the comfort he's given me. That he lets me talk, and talk, and talk even when he doesn't want to. Because in this instant, he's the only one I could talk about boy-o to.

Tough moments...

2010-11-24T13:29:00.001-08:00

I had a hard time this evening at Brownies... and I think it emphasised to me how much the waiting is wearing on me. There is unfortunately nothing that I can do about it; but it's obviously taking it's toll.

I'd had a text message yesterday suggesting that we could book a pack holiday in April. I wouldn't have minded but the leader who sent it knows that boy-o exists (the reasons are complicated); and knows that we might have boy-o or another child placed with us in the spring. And yet she wants me to commit to going away for a weekend in April.

My main problem is that she has another friend who has adopted a son (this one); who doesn't seem to have educated any of her friends about adoption. She's just carrying on as if nothing has changed and she has always had a young son. And I while appreciate that this is one way to do things, I also know that if we adopt boy-o, he'll be just shy of two before he comes home (she hopes, oh, she hopes). I know that we'll have to work on bonding and attachment, I know that I want to. And this leader thinks that I'll need no time to do these things, because M could always put the child to bed.

I got so frustated with her attitude (again), that I could feel myself getting teary.... so I went to see how the Brownies were doing, and had a walk. I can't (or rather I won't) commit to a weekend away. I won't commit to much, and most people (including family) understand. If I can do something at the time, I will, but I am making no promises. We don't know what the next few months will bring.

So how do I explain this to someone, who thinks that I am making a big deal about nothing? Possibly I am - but I've waited so long, and this is the closest I've got. We will be bringing a child home, we're not sure when, but we know it will happen. We have hope and belief and it's such a long time since I've believed that this will happen. Which is fantastic, but how do I make her understand this?

Waiting, waiting...

2010-11-23T10:05:00.000-08:00

I got an email today from our social worker to say that boy-o's social worker is off work ill. We don't know how long for, but I need to hope that it's a short term bug (there's plenty going around at the moment). The longer we dwell, the longer we think about it, the more convinced we are that this is the right child for us. We want to meet his social worker to discuss with her, and for her to give her confirmation that this can go ahead.

Welcome to November's ICLW

2010-11-21T08:59:00.001-08:00

and if you don't know about ICLW - please click across to Mel's where she'll be happy to tell you all about it!

So welcome if you don't visit my blog regularly.... you arrive in exciting times!

Last week we heard about a little boy who we're interested in finding out more about. We are hoping to meet his social worker, sometime soon. We have questions, but we also have great peace about this - he seems to be the one for us, if his social worker likes us. I'd love to share more details - but at the moment it's difficult; 1) he may not be our son, and 2) a couple of my IRL friends read here, and I need to guard what they know in case of 1! (sorry!)

I'm nh, I teach secondary school science/chemistry. I'm married to M who does engineering things and we share our house with a dog and a cat. We live in Yorkshire and have done for a long time (M longer than me). We love our home, our family and friends and our community.

Wishing you lots of reading in this ICLW week - and I'm off to find new blogs!

news at last....

2010-11-19T09:50:00.000-08:00

We've met our social worker this week. She told us about a little boy (which I shall refer to at the moment as boy-o). He's a little younger than we had been thinking - 20months, so not so young. I'm not going to share very much, because we still have to meet his social worker (the one who sat on our report for 3 1/2 weeks before reading it!).

Keep your fingers crossed that our social worker can arrange a meeting in the next week or two with boy-o's social worker.

P.S. I like his actual name - it's not a name I would have chosen, but there's a real reason for that.

No news is no news...

2010-11-10T13:05:00.000-08:00

We've been to a training about FAS and Substance mis-use in pregnancy this evening. It was very informative and interesting and I will share some things will you on another day when I've had chance to reflect.

But... our SW was there. She had spoken to the family finder today for the child whose social worker has our report. Child's social worker still hasn't read our report. Our SW will phone us on monday to let us know, because apparently child's social worker will read report before then (hah!). If child's social worker doesn't get back to her, or doesn't read our report, we will be considered for other children in their meeting on Tuesday.

Hope that makes sense!

Happy birthday M

2010-11-05T13:45:00.000-07:00

It's M's birthday today - fireworks to celebrate and all.

Have I said recently how much I love that man. He's presently talking on the phone to a friend - having the same conversation that I've heard him have at least 5 times this evening. 'No, no news yet - but we are waiting for the social workers to find a good match for us. So happy we were approved. So excited.'

I am so blessed that I have this man in my life. I truely am. He's not good at sharing his emotions but I know he's excited about this adoption process. I can hear it in his voice. I nearly brought a card that said 'Happy Birthday Daddy' ready to adapt to Happy Birthday Nearly Daddy' - but I'm trying not to jinx the situation.

I am honoured to have known this man, since I was 15, he has been part of my life for nearly 18 years. We've been married 11. Today he is 40 - and I love him still. Happy birthday, honey.

News or not...

2010-11-04T11:22:00.001-07:00

It's been another funny old week, and the weather hasn't been great either.

Having promised us a phone call by the end of Wednesday... we finally got an email this afternoon. Only to say that our social worker hadn't heard back from the child's social worker. She could have let us know that yesterday rather than putting me through an extra day's angst. Roll on next week.

meal with other prospective adopters (mk2)

2010-10-28T14:58:00.000-07:00

We've just got back from our second meal with the other prospective adopters from our preparation course. We had a lovely time, because these are other people that are going through the same things as us.

The next three panels have significance for the others we've been with. Just married couple are up for approval panel 2 weeks on monday. Racing ahead couple are going to matching panel 4 weeks on monday. Singleton is going to approval panel 6 weeks on monday.

We've seen photos of racing ahead couples baby boy. He's very cute and adorable. Very excited for them. We've been discussing all the things that they need to do, and what they need to buy.

It did remind me of all the conversations that M and I have had in the past 24hours, when we've suddenly realised that we might have a child placed in the new year. We've lots we need to do, some we ought to do, and some things we'd like to do. It seems a little overwhelming at the moment.

snippets

2010-10-27T14:09:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to be positive - but I need to offload, however, if you want positive only scroll right down to the bottom - there's something there for you...

We spent the weekend at my Aunt and Uncle's (Aunt is my godmother and we've always been close). Aunt has MS and is doing okay at the moment, but only okay as an MS sufferer. She's in the middle of emptying their bungalow loft, whilst she can still get up there. My Uncle is not well, he's struggling with prostate cancer, arthritis, and a bad chest infection. He couldn't walk up their hall way without stopping half way along.

8 years ago when we started trying for a family, I would have been confident that they would both be around to enjoy and spoil our child. Now I have to face the reality that Uncle is an old man, and my Aunt will have to succumb to a wheelchair sooner rather than later.

I had a text this morning from one of my best friends. Her mum's heart had stopped. She was resuscitated by the ambulance crew and taken to hospital. But her heart had not been beating for a long time, the mother my friend knew was gone. This afternoon her body followed her. I went round and spent time with my friend, helping her pack and get ready to go her parents. For the past 5 years she has struggled with the fact that she lives over 2 hours away from her parents, and more than once said she was going to move closer to them.

I was speaking to another close friend tonight, who told me that her marriage is over. But, at the moment she is being guilted into staying with her husband. There is so much that she needs to be clear on - not least of all, thinking of some way that she can support herself and be independent from him.

So much grief, present and future. So much emotion. So much hurt. I'm really hurting for my Aunt and Uncle, that they might never know my child. I'm hurting for the loss of my friend's mum, for my friend and her family. I'm hurting for the end of a marriage. These aren't things I can do anything about - but should you believe in such things, say a prayer for my friends that they can find the comfort that they both need so much.

POSITIVE NEWS - I did promise some after all....
We've seen our social worker today, who has told us that we were put forward for a child last week. The social worker is looking at our report. There is a question about a health issue, which they are trying to sort out before telling us anything more about the child. We are hoping that next week we'll hear from our social worker that the child's social worker wants to meet us. At the moment we're not telling anyone about the potential link, because the social worker might not like the look of us, or alternatively the health question may be too much for us to deal with.

Abide with us over the next couple of weeks as we wait for more information.

And as a little aside... as we are not telling anyone about this link, please don't mention it to your Mum or sister if we actually know you in real life (and don't mention to M that you've read something about it here). Pretty please!

ICLW

2010-10-20T13:23:00.000-07:00

Welcome if you are here for ICLW!

A brief outline if you've not visited before...

I'm nh, I teach secondary school science (11-18year olds), I've been married to M for 11 years. We live on the outskirts of a Yorkshire city (UK). At the moment we share our house with our dog and a cat.

However, this situation might actually change at some point in the next few months. Just this Monday we were approved as adopters. This means that our social worker (SW) can start putting us forward for children that she thinks are appropriate for us. We have been approved to adopt one child (from foster care) up to the age of 5.

So here we sit - back to waiting... new SW is coming to see us next week.

YES!

2010-10-18T09:27:00.000-07:00

We got a yes... how exciting - although actually it feels like a bit of anti - climax!

We got there at the time we had been told, expecting to be told that they were running late... which they weren't.

We went into a meeting room and spoke with our SWs (both old and new) and discussed the questions that we the panel had put together for us. There was nothing unexpected it was as SW told us it would be.

After 15 mins, the vice-chair (chair of panel was absent) of panel came in and introduced herself to us, and asked us to go into the room where panel was sitting. The first thing that they did was introduced themselves; there was; Vice Chair, Adoption Agency Representative, two Minute Takers, an Adoptive Parent, Local City Councillor, Social Worker, Adoptee, Medical Advisor and one more person whose job I can't remember. Plus us and our two social workers.

The vice chair talked for a bit about what they perceived our strengths to be, and said that the report was a really good report. Then they got onto the scary bit... asking questions - 7 in total... the first two are standard questions.

1. Can you tell us about your experience of working with the Agency so far on your adoption assessment?

2. Can you tell us about the child or children that you can imagine in your family?

3. Can ME update panel about how she is doing with regards to her weight? (this was asked by medical advisor, who also explained that my medical condition (PCOS) made this harder than it was far some others)

4. What impact do Me and M feel placement of a child will impact upon their voluntary work?

5. Could M help panel understand his journey to adoption and what helped him to feel this would be OK?

6. Could M tell panel more about his particular interest in a boy?

7. What is the thinking about the age range of child M and Me are wishing to consider?

We were praised afterwards for being totally honest and our SWs were really pleased with how we had answered the questions. Old SW had a couple of comments to add after we'd given our answers, but they were impressed.

We went out and sat in the post-panel waiting room. We'd just about got ourselves sat down and chatting when the Vice-chair came in and said 'congratulations'. We talked a bit about how well they thought we'd considered the differing aspects of adoption and that the decision was unanimous. She left us to get ready for the next panel, and we spent a little time chatting to our SWs about next.

And next... next is waiting. New SW is coming next week to chat to us, and bringing us some mocked up profiles so that she can see what sort of child we are drawn to. We know that there will be no placement until after x-mas, but we might (if we are lucky) hear about a child sometime in the next couple of months.

approval panel

2010-10-17T12:09:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is our big day... approval panel.
We have to wait until 2.45 to met our social worker, who should have some questions for us.
We go into panel at 3.00.

I keep trying to remind myself that if there was any doubt our social worker wouldn't have let us get to panel.

But my mind freezes and I worry...

It'll soon be here, won't it?

other people's news...

2010-10-14T13:33:00.000-07:00

I've just got an email from one of the other couples who was on the preparation course with us back in Feb. They've met the social worker today and been told that they have been linked with a baby boy. They will go to matching panel at the end of nov and he should be home middle of dec. How lovely is that.

a wandering mind...

2010-10-13T12:52:00.000-07:00

I'm not quite sure what to title this post...my mind is split into many pieces. Bare with me as I get it through it.

Today is the third anniversary of my estimated due date for the pregnancy I got furthest into. The one that broke my heart into a million pieces. The one where I started bleeding at school teaching a class of 14year olds. Some of those (now) young adults passed through my classroom today for a lesson. It's hard to connect the pieces sometimes.

I've dealt with the not being able to have a child. I want to raise a child, to have complete our family. I could even deal with not having a child (which I've only just realised). But somehow at this time of year, the darkness surrounds me and comes back. It's nothing like it was, it's not all encompassing, but it surrounds me still.

And yet - it's 5 days until panel, and whilst I am worried about it, I'm starting to feel hopeful. People keep telling me that panel is a done deal, that as we've got this far we will be approved. Still worried, mind you.

Possibly this time next year, we might have a child. Maybe next October will be different. But I've got to get through this first.

A break...

2010-10-11T12:25:00.001-07:00

I've been taking a break. Not just from blogging, but from reading blogs as well. No real reason, other than I needed some more time. I'm not sure that I'm really ready to start writing again. I feel like I'm treading water... there's not much I can say. We're waiting. And in reality we'll still be waiting for a few more months yet.

Next Monday we go to approval panel. Following that... a meeting with our new social worker the following wed, then we're expecting the great quiet. We need to wait, to have patience, to have faith that a child's social worker will read our report and think, I want to know more about these people.

I've spent a lot of time talking adoption with people over the past few days. At times it's felt like the same conversation over, and over. But it's a positive thing, people are supportive & I'm talking to more people about it. This of course does mean that I have to deal with the occasional 'once you've adopted, you'll get pregnant' type comment. People look a bit surprised when I say that I really don't think that will happen.

Bear with me, I'm sure that I'll be typing more random thoughts over the next couple of weeks.... and I will get back to reading and commenting!

ICLW

2010-09-21T12:17:00.000-07:00

It's the 21st - time for ICLW! I'm looking forward to finding new blogs and reading old favourites.

It's been a busy couple of weeks both school wise and also my friends.
School seems to be very busy at the moment, but hopefully things will settle down.
My friend who was 11 weeks pregnant found out last week that she'd lost the baby.

Our social worker came yesterday, with our soon to be new social worker. They dropped off the report for us to look at, which we still need to do thoroughly. We discussed possible questions that panel might ask. And we talked about the placement of a child.

I'm off to find blogs to read and comment on...

naming...

2010-09-07T13:13:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer - I'm writing out my thoughts and pondering them ... and remember that we are adopting in the UK; from foster care, it is not the same as infant adoption, these children have a history and a birth family who they have been removed from as for some reason they couldn't care for the child or keep them safe!

I nearly had a fall out with one of my friends last week, and it was over something silly and in the end I realised it was because I was disappointed. This particular friend has another friend who is adopting; and I had hoped that this other friend had been educating our mutual friend oabout adoption issues - apparently not.

My friend is the one of the people that I run Brownies with... the other leader is pregnant and I laughingly said 'will you be okay come March if R and I are both off at the same time?'

Her response was 'why? You'll be able to leave your child with M and he can put it to bed'

Ummm - hello, we are hoping to adopt a 3 or 4 year old. We will need to work on attachment and bonding. We will need time, it won't be a case of a child coming home one week, and life carrying on as normal the next week.

Later on the evening we were talking about her other friend, who is going to matching panel at the end of September. I actually share a social worker with this person, and I know how fab our social worker is. So I was really surprised to her that the people who are adopting are going to change the name of their son. When I heard this I spluttered, and asked 'why?'

The response I received really shocked me; 'she would never have chosen name A, she doesn't like it, why should she call her son by a name she doesn't like for the rest of his life?'

I just felt like shouting, because that's what happens. She is adopting her son. She (sadly) doesn't get the right to try to re-write history. He has a name, and yes, it might not be a name that they like (it's very old fashioned), but to change his name, which is the only thing he will have from his birth family just seems so wrong. It's also against correct wisdom in the UK, remember this isn't infant adoption, we are talking a young child, who has been called by his name since he was born. My friend seemed really surprised that I thought that this couple shouldn't change the name, and said 'Well Social Worker doesn't think it's a good idea either, but his social worker isn't bothered.' (possibly because they won't have to pick up the pieces in the future)

I am disappointed that this woman hasn't taken the opportunity to educate her 'best' friend about adoption. I am upset that I now have to try to explain why we are doing this, that or the other. We are adopting a child, who comes with a history, and no matter how much you might want to, you can not wipe that history - you have got to work with it.

Too much information...

2010-09-02T11:15:00.000-07:00

I was going to blog about something else entirely today... but I heard something on the radio today which irritated me so much that I've changed my mind.

One of our government ministers has issued a statement due to rumours circulating about him having an improper relationship with one of his advisers. Nothing wrong with that; in fact there wasn't much with anything that he said, but the response I heard to what he said upset me.

He said that he and his wife would love to start a family. That it had proved more difficult for them than most couples, that they have encountered difficulties and suffered multiple miscarriages. That they are aware of the stress of infertility can often strain a marriage but in their case it has brought them closer together.

He said that they had never made the information public because of the distress it would have caused their families - and he was only doing so now because of the rumours questioning the state of their marriage.

(info taken from bbc website - http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-11159278)

On the radio this morning 'too much information, we don't need to hear about their miscarriages'.

I spluttered and raged to myself all the way to work. It's sad that he needed to explain why they don't have a family. But 'too much information' it's not. We need more people in the public arena to say 'infertility is effecting us too'.

We all know how isolating infertility is. We all understand how terrible to feel that you are the only people that this is happening to. We know this because we've been there. Miscarriages are horrid, repeated miscarriages are heart breaking. We can't get past those facts. And every person that it happens to, will have their heart broken. Until there are more people who are willing to stand up and be counted, those people will feel alone.

I'm pretty open about what we've been through, and what we are doing. But someone at work yesterday asked me what I needed to see the Head for... I blustered and said 'I'd rather not say, that he'd know'.

And perhaps I was wrong to do that; I should have responded 'to talk about what's next in the adoption process for us'.

Because the more open I am about it, the more people will hear that I am adopting and perhaps the next time someone at school has a miscarriage or discovers that they are infertile, they will start to wonder about our story, what brought us to adoption. And I'm not really shy about telling our story; and I'm not shy about supporting someone who is going through what we've been through.

I'm lucky I found out about blogging and started writing down my thoughts and feelings. And then I started looking further and found the ALI blogosphere; and discovered that I am not alone. And I'd love to think that we could stop people thinking that they are alone; that there are many, many people out there who have been through what they are going through.

Oh...

2010-08-31T10:49:00.001-07:00

We've just got back from my parents to a phone call from our social worker. She has been assigned a different role, and therefore after panel in Oct we will be getting a new social worker. I'm a bit bemused and sad about that at the minute.

Photos

2010-08-28T08:21:00.000-07:00

We've managed a couple of walks - so here are some photos...Two men and their dogs... M and my dad, striding out!

St Catherine's Lighthouse - not far from my parent's house, and at the southern tip of the island.

St Catherine's Oratory - up, up, up the hill from the lighthouse - my Dad thinks it's funny to walk down from their house, then up great heights... However up there you can see the water all around the island!

Just a pleasant island view

My parent's new puppy - 18week old Springer Spaniel, and believe me he springs!

Holiday and watching the slide into old age...

2010-08-26T08:09:00.001-07:00

We've been at my parent's for 5 days now, and my holiday has not been what I planned. The weather hasn't allowed us to get out walking much, but we are hoping for better things over the next few days.

I haven't done the reading that I wanted to - and so haven't written about the books, because I'm watching two old ladies that I love dearly, and have always been part of my life sliding into the end of theirs.

My grandma lives with my Mum, she has dementia, I knew she had got a lot worse since I saw her last. She does sometimes recognise me, sometimes she confuses me with my mum, or the cleaner. The other day she said 'there is a strange man sitting in Dad's study', (Dad meaning her husband who died nearly 9 years ago)... it was my Dad, her son - it's his study, but she didn't recognise him. She'll ask for my Mum, and when Mum goes she'll say 'what are you here for, I didn't want you, I want Val' (Val is my mum).

I knew all of this, and was prepared. It's not easy, but I knew what I was expecting. It's hard work for my Mum, caring on a daily basis, but I can't do anything when I am at home. I have helped out by cleaning and cooking and letting my Mum visit with her Mum, who we brought down with us.

What I also knew was that my other grandmother, my Gran (mum's mum) was struggling to hear. We all know she needs a new hearing aid to replace the ailing one that she has got. But her mind is wandering into the past as well. She is nowhere near as bad as Grandma, but there are things that I've noticed this visit that I haven't seen before. She can't remember what her present dog is called, so she calls him by her last dog's name. She can't remember what all her grandchildren are called (and although in a rush she's called us each other's names before, she could always remember the full list).

The sliding can only go one way eventually... and that is what is so sad. These wonderful old ladies who looked after me, spoilt me, cooked with me, taught me to knit and sew - they have gone. We can still sit and talk about when they were young, (if you can battle through the misheard statements), but those wonderful ladies of my childhood are slipping away.

My children will not know them as people just as old ladies. But I suppose that is the circle of life - when I was born I had 5 great-grandparents living. I have memories of three of them, and I know that I am lucky, for those. But it saddens me to think that my child will not have those wonderful ladies in their lives. And my Mum and M's Mum will spend time and teach them those things that I was taught... the circle of life continues.

Welcome to ICLW

2010-08-20T13:56:00.000-07:00

umm... how did that happen? how did it become 20th august already?
It's time for ICLW - click across to Mel's if you're not sure what that is, if you are visiting because of it, WELCOME!

I'm nh, and I've been married to an amazing man M for the past 11 years (nearly). We live in the UK, and following several unsuccessful attempts at IVF/ICSI we decided last June that we would investigate adoption. We are now waiting to see the report that our social worker has been compiling on us during her homestudy visits; then we go to approval panel in Oct... which really isn't that long away.

I've documented the process that we have been through so far; and will continue to do so, but for the next week, I'm hoping to write about some books that I've been reading and perhaps share with you some scenes of the countryside on the Isle of Wight, were we are going tomorrow for a while to see my parents.

Lots has happened since I last posted... very briefly
We had our final homestudy visit; we next see our social worker on 20th Sept, when she brings us her report for us to read through.
I've had lots of time with friends, lunch's out, lunch's in, walks, weekends away
We've had results day for our A level students and it's not long until school starts again.
and I've packed for our holiday to the Isle of Wight...

Cake

2010-08-06T02:35:00.000-07:00

Happy 300th Roundup! For those who don't know what I mean; every week the amazing Mel at Stirrup Queens manages on top of everything else that she does, to produce a post detailing some fantastic blog posts that she has read that week. Today she's publishing the 300th Roundup (umm, 200th) post!

Blogging itself is good for me, getting those thoughts and feelings down helps me sort out my head. But then I stumbled onto the ALI community and realised that there were other people writing the same things as me, that other people understood what I was going through. When the world seems against you, no matter how well meaning your friends are, there is something amazing when you find people who have been there too. It's an amazing place for support, comfort and 'I understand' and without it, I'm not sure that I would have recovered so well from my darkest moments.

My hope and wish is that it continues to be that amazing community. That when someone is having a bad time, people will go and 'visit' and sit and wait with a blogger who needs it. That we can find it in our hearts to continue to celebrate the good, commiserate the bad, and cry along side others. That we can comment, and say 'I know how you feel, and I'm sorry that you are there'.

And in an aside to my two amazing real life friends who know I write this blog... if you look carefully, C provided the candles and B provided the inspiration for the cake. Which by the way isn't very celebratory, but is good and healthy as a Carrot and Pineapple Muffin!

evening out

2010-08-06T01:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday evening M and I had a meal with some of the people that we met on the adoption preparation course. We had a lovely meal, and had good adoption discussions. A & P have just this week being approved; and we spent a lot of time talking about their panel, and what happened. We talked about how our home studies were going.

It seemed so odd, to be going and meeting people, that we had met in such odd circumstances. It is even funnier that M's dad knows the dad of one of them. However, it was a good thing to do, and we have all agreed to do it again sometime soon; and to keep doing it.

Wow!

2010-08-06T00:56:00.000-07:00

I spent Tuesday night camping with 5000 other people, including some of my Brownies.

On Wednesday we celebrated 100years of girlguiding; we had a huge party. There were 20, 000 people there, and it was one of those amazing once in a lifetime opportunities. I am so glad that we went.

Homestudy

2010-08-02T12:28:00.000-07:00

We had another joint session today; since she last visited us our social worker has visited two of our referees, and M's parents and spoken to M's sister on the phone. She has arranged to see my sister next week.

Today we spoke about what we found out when we visited the adopters, and what we thought about that. We then went onto what is possibly the worst thing so far, although we were expected it. We looked at some children's profiles and discussed what different terms meant. We started to think about what we could cope with.

She has left us with some more profiles to study, an old copy of Be my Parent and some information about children that she has worked for. Next week we will look in detail at the list of issues that we can deal with, or not, or deal with in a limited way - i.e. we would need more information about that issue before taking a decision about a child. It's a horrid thing to have to do - but we have to be realistic.

Report finished!

2010-08-01T13:08:00.000-07:00

65 pages of report written! Plus additional 4 pages on placement considerations and 3 pages on the dog! But it's done - at least until tomorrow when our social worker visits and needs some more work done!