death and balance

I read Mel's posts yesterday about Steve Jobs' Death and the Wolvog. Like so many other people when I heard that Steve Jobs had died my thoughts turned to that family; and that little boy to whom Steve Jobs is/was so important... But as I was reading the second post my heart was filling with sorry, and tears were streaming. It took me a while to realise why it had effected me so much, but eventually it came to me...

In the post, Mel talks about how after they learnt that heroes die, they travelled the path to one day parents die and that eventually they would die.

And that's the point at which my heart broke - both for ChickieNob and the Wolvog and my boy. Because although we repeatedly tell him that we love him, and that he will be with us forever...we also talk about his birth family and why he came to be in care. And occasionally we speak about his birth father and how boy-o only met him twice before his birth father died. And at some point that conversation will start to make sense... and at some point he will realise what death is.

Boy-o's birth father died before he was 2 weeks old.... but at some point boy-o will understand what that means and start making those connections. If his birth father can die - surely that means that my promise of forever isn't true, because one day something will happen to me and M, I want it to happen far, far in the future, but no-one can predict what will happen next week. I've promised my boy that he is with us forever - and that's a promise for a two year old. But at some point in the future my boy is going to realise that forever isn't going to happen. If his birth father can die, doesn't that mean that his mummy and daddy might die? And I don't want him to start wondering these things, I don't want real life to happen, and yet how can I stop it happening?

I want to keep him safe and secure. I don't want him to worry about what might happen, I want him to be happy and loved forever. And yet that isn't realistic; he has a life to live and it will be a real life full of both sorrow and joy. And I know that if there was no sorrow, you wouldn't realise how much the good things matter. If there are no tears, there can be no joy. Ying and Yang... Good and Bad - every life has to be filled with these things... and if it's not, it's not a full life.

But is it wrong to wish for different? It is wrong to admit that I want him to have a blessed life now, where his hopes and dreams can come true. My boy has had enough terrible stuff for one life, and he's two and half! But into each life will come what may, good and bad - the balance will be there, and I hope that we can teach him that's it's okay to be sad, and to cry, as well as to celebrate the good.